[NT!]

The boys should be able to get behavioral therapy, counseling, supervised visits w/ Mom, all sorts of stuff that would almost certainly help to stabilize them. Caseworkers tend to be ridiculously overworked and undertrained (some of them are lousy but it's usually not their fault), but if you advocate for yourselves you can get access to a lot of help.

There are foster parent groups that meet to discuss these kinds of issues as well, share strategies, give mutual support, etc. Your wife might find this useful, or maybe not. Worth suggesting either way.

The boys are going to pick up on the tension between you and your wife, too. Kids are very perceptive about this kind of thing, even if they don't say anything or don't even seem to be aware of it.

Involve them in the decision. Talk to them about what the options are and what they would prefer. They may have said they don't want to go to grandma before, but now that they have been in care for a while and may be faced with going to a stranger, they may feel differently. Try to be prepared for court and have a first, second and third plan just in case. Make sure they know that you care about them and will be a resource for them no matter what happens, even if they have to go.

It's really important for your wife to hear how much you mean to her and that you understand her concerns. Over and over. And over. She is probably feeling trapped and overwhelmed. The worst thing, in that scenario, is not having anywhere you feel you can turn.