Re: Emotional Affairs
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Third, trying to envision how I would react if some guy I was really attracted to kissed me in a casino has tilted me pretty badly. I tend to be a pretty straight and loyal person so this whole exercise started by me is sort of flipping me out.
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Ok, I feel a little guilty about that since I brought it up, but just a little. I think the self questioning that came out of it is healthy. Rather than just saying "I wouldn't do that!" you're actually looking at where you're temptations/weaknesses may lie. In doing so, I personally think we're less likely to fall to temptation because we'll be more aware of it as it's happening.
Consider this. Some insane percentage of married people cheat, like 60% for men and somewhat lower (though climbing over the years) of women.
I would bet that most of them, if you asked them a year before they cheated "Would you cheat on your wife?", that they'd say "Definately not! I'm a loyal person." And they believe it. There are pobably some exceptions, but people don't get married or in committed relationships with the intent to cheat.
So, we've got, say 1/2 of people physically cheating. Now, how many more were tempted, had an "emotional affair" that they shut down before it took the next step? While I have no idea, it's at least some since logic dictates not every tempted person actually cheats, so the 50-60% of cheaters is only a portion of those that were tempted.
So, essentially, we can state that most people experience this problem. An emotional attachment to someone other than their spouse that's strong enough to be tempting. Again, <u>most</u> people!
Given that, if I look at myself, I have to think odds are this is something I'll run into. Far better I really think about who I am and what might tempt me than just blindly go through life hoping not to be caught by suprise when my heart and body are synch up and desire flourishes.
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Just to tilt Katy further... [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img], a tldr section as an example of a harmless, yet not harmless, situation that could easily occur (hell, has occurred for me, except I had no desire for the woman so there was no subtle foreplay):
Let's say you and I met because our spouses are in the same line of work (insurance, lawyer, doctor, whatever) and we all became friends. You and I, there's a spark of sorts there, but it's low key. We have happy lives, we're all friends, nothing kicks that spark enough to matter.
We're all talking and realize next Friday our spouses have a CE (continuing education, many professionals have to do this). My wife says, "Why don't you and Katy have dinner and we'll meet you at the theatre next door around 8pm?". You and I probably both have a flash of doubt about dinner together, we know there's a little something there. But, our spouses just suggested it, it's hard to turn that down without looking odd, and really, a part of us would like to have the dinner together.
It's a nice restaurant. I suggest a bottle of wine. You hesitate, but I say "Come on, it's Friday and we've got an entire movie afterwards to get sober". Fine, you figure what the hell. A while later we're laughing and having a good time. I ask what you've done for the day, smalltalk. You mention a manicure.
The wine has my inhibitions a little lower, if I'm honest with myself, I'm feeling that spark. I take your hand and admire the nails. Really, maybe even subconsciously, it's an excuse for physical contact. But, hey, it's just your hand, right?
I make a comment like "Very nice, cute, red is sexy". You're going to feel a rush, maybe blush. A guy you like just touched you and complimented you. You're slightly tipsy and relaxed. Well, we both are.
So, I comment on your earrings...and touch your neck as I move them about... Moving in closer to see. At that point, I can guarantee both our pulses would have skyrocketed. We know we're playing with fire, yet, it feels so nice to be admired, desired. Little is more intoxicating that feeling our own desire reflected back at us in the eyes of the person we're with.
And so on...
All very innocent to begin with, and likely nothing will happen, but did a part of you want it to? This kind of thing happens, well, maybe not all the time, but frequently. People meet, have friends, and you know enough people and there will be someone in the group this could happen with. It's just inevitable the more people you know.
You can either be a hermit and live in fear of it, or you can look inside yourself and acknowlege the situations you think you might be weak in and just adjust slightly to avoid a bad situation.
"Not sure I want a full dinner, maybe go to the (loud and unromantic) sports bar down the block instead and have a burger and catch the first 1/2 of the Broncos/Steelers game before we go to the movie?"
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