[notfreemoney]

Hey,
Remember, the admissions person that reads your essay probably spends ~45 seconds on your essay so you really need to concentrate on making it read easily. Like someone above said already... go through and try and eliminate some of the jargon/ cliche terms (life on the pine and "hey theres always next year right?".

I like that you picked a different topic than many people would pick but in the end they want read this and get to know something about you and WHY they should admit you. You start to do this in your last paragraph but it went all downhill with the girl comment. The admissions committee has no interest on whether or not you can get with a girl. This is the clincher paragraph. Make it more serious and really try and present a mature paragraph on how you have grown from your high school experience and how you will carry this to college.

Couple ideas for last paragraph:
1. maybe basketball did teach you to study harder and maybe it taught you to get the girl but I think it might sound better if you attempt to portray that basketball made you "realize" that you have used the same principles in many aspects throughout your life. Then pick 2 or 3 topics and show how you have worked hard, found a way to solve a problem or just achieved something.
For example- "study harder" seems bleh- try saying that you make the effort to go to the teachers office hours after class before practice or form a study group with your friend or used a tutor sounds better and more on the level of what college kids would do

random afterthought- the paragraph in the middle kind of seems like its too much failure. I would try and downplay the fact that you didnt make it into the game and u made it sound like ur coach never even noticed you. You can take a paragraph like that and turn it into some specific accomplishments. Say something like although I didnt see any playing time, my offseason practice was not in vain. Then say some of the things that you saw that you accomplished... i was in better shape than my teammates, my FG% during drills went up by so and so points, I gave up less shots on defense and was better at rebounding. That makes it sound more positive instead of leaving it with meh oh well theres next year...
sorry for rambling but hopefully theres some good advice in there