[jonkeponke]

Backstory: Live next to a kid who's kind of a douchebag. While drunk my roommate (incredibly scrawny) started a fight with him. Here is resulting drunken tilt message:



Subject: I just wanted you to know, you're an [censored]

Hey Chris,

I may be drunk now, but you should know, there is nobody in our two suites who does not find you to be a douche. I'm not telling you this to insult you, but that you may mend your ways.

Honestly, how dare you come in our suite and say that our not sharing our pizza with you (which we paid for with our own money) is reason for you not to share your allegedly $300 wireless internets (which your parents probably paid for) with us. Let me explain this to you: IT WAS OUR [censored] DINNER. GET YOUR OWN DINNER AND STOP BITCHING. If you had ever expressed interest in sharing Imo's with us before then, we would have gladly included you in a fair share of our pizza. By a fair share, by the way, I mean not a free slice but half an extra-large for $7. This, if you're not aware, is the going rate. We're not yours to USE for free Imo's whenever you [censored] feel like a slice of pizza. THIS IS NOT HOW THE WORLD WORKS, AND IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE WOULDN'T SHARE, THEN YOU'LL NEVER GO ANYWHERE IN LIFE. It boils down to this: there's no such thing as a free lunch.

And furthermore, how many hours do you think you've spent in our $6000 dollar suite playing Mark's $400 Xbox 360 and Michael's $200 Gamecube? I'm guessing if we totaled it all up you'd end up on the short end, considering nobody from our suite ever spends time in yours. I find it laughable that you came into our room with the pretense of doing work in here, just to bring up a petty squabble about a [censored] slice of pizza. If I could go back to the beginning of the year, I would gladly trade your riddance for no wireless in our common room (except, oh wait, we could have just used Joy's wireless... Whatever would we have done!).

Also, the whole "I can't take make diagrams on my computer, so I wasted money on my computer, while you saved money by investing in a pencil" joke was negative funny the first time you made it. It only got worse when I shared my notes with you every weekend so you could do the homework, yet you still found it necessary to bite the hand that fed you, and steal his pizza rolls. Was there even a single time where that joke was available that you didn't make it? I don't think so. Are you seriously insecure enough that if you depend on somebody you have to mock them for the action that makes them dependable?

Anyways, the point is I was generous to you to the point of sainthood, even in the face of ridiculous douchiness, and you repay me by telling me that "you'll kill me if I ever touch you again". I guess everybody who's sober is too nice to tell you this: You've been an [censored] this year. I hope you can stop doing this in the future.

Personally, I'm fed up with your [censored]. I probably won't leave my suite tomorrow except to go home, but if I see you I'll probably punch you in the face. Congratulations on your A in quantum, I'm glad you had "fun" mocking me while I helped you through it.

-Frank

P.S. Honestly: there were many times when you revealed your giant douchehood last year too. But back then I believed you were a good person. So much for faith.



BRAG: encouraged him to fight the kid/send the message
BEAT: he apologized to him the next day
VARIANCE: impeccable punctuation while drunk.