[JackAll]

I've recently been through something similar with regards to a chick. Shortly before we split, I was having some serious issues. I was always fairly emotionally stable enough to never really lose it. Then when I just felt like things were going to hell and that it was all my fault (even though it wasn't), I just felt like I couldn't handle life anymore. This just got worse and worse. I didn't have a breakdown, but I guess this is the direction of what it would be like. I just couldn't really deal with anything. Small problems seemed so huge and everything just seemed so overwhelming that I couldn't deal with anything. After we split, all the other problems (probably similar to how you mentioned your weight, as well as things that I can deal with in a week or a month or 3 months like non-urgent money issues) seemed to be so unimportant again.

I'm still kinda on life tilt (people don't really get what that means when they use the phrase). I just kinda quit everything after breaking up. I don't go anywhere or do anything. I spent most of my spare time with her when we were together and didn't have time for other things, so steadily stopped doing lots of stuff. Then when it all went to hell, not only was I severely depressed, but I had nothing left in my life. And no motivation to do anything because everything seems so pointless in the greater scheme of things when you aren't with the person who you feel is the point of existence.

I am also the type who prefers a few close friends rather than lots of friends who are not so close. I have (or rather had) a few close friends here. One very close one moved away a couple of months ago and will be back in 3 months. Another very close one is 6 hrs drive away, but comes down every couple of weeks, but that's about it. Another is a good person but not quite as close. One other one moved away too. So I'm also in the same boat with regards to being quite isolated.

Anway, I did find that she obv didn't have the same feelings as I did because she met someone so soon after. This hurt like a kick in the nuts that lasted for hours on end for chunks of most days, but also helped me be really angry at her for lying about saying she cared which led to me allowing myself to care for her so deeply. Until I heard about this I really couldn't do anything. I guess I don't do much yet (still don't go out hardly ever), but I am moving towards a dull emptyness that I had before I was with her instead of the intense pain of thinking I ruined my possibly only chance to be really happy.



I guess if I was to give any advice, it would be that I think what you really need first is to sort things out with your woman. This really made me emotional. I suspect your anger is due to relationship issues. I would suggest meeting up with her and asking her blatantly if she cares for you enough to commit to being with you through problems. It will be horrible if the answer is no, but you need to find this out. Until then you will continue to be an emotional wreck. I just can't see how it can improve until you have the peace of mind of knowing that she will try to make things work when it gets tough. While I never tried drugs other than alcohol, I suspect that your anger is related primarily to this emotional situation than to drugs. Obv I can't comment on the drugs though. Once you get something with your woman sorted, you will see that everything else is not as overwhelming as it seems right now.




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Here is why i feel like i have been a horrible boyfriend:

-i allowed myself to start doing drugs again which made my love show through less than it should have

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This is normal man. It hurts so much that just about anything that makes it stop is a completely understandable. Don't be hard on yourself for this. Obv it is bad for YOU, but has no bearing on being a bad bf.

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-i got lazy and allowed myself to get fat. the girl i love deserves better and i am now going to work my ass off to get back into the shape i once was in.

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This has nothing to do with anything. If the relationship was real on her side then this means nothing. But often we don't really know exactly how the other person feels, and we are totally oblivious to this while we are high as a kite in love. Really - being fat is a non-issue.