[kemystery]

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*****nit alert********

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Phil Hellmuth's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF Phil Hellmuth!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't [censored] with Phil!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

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This one doesn't really work.

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beat: you read that far into the OP