[SomethingClever]

Have you ever gotten stuck in line behind people who don't know how to order pizza? This [censored] happened to me again today, and it reminded me I'd been meaning to make a post about it.

*** SC's Pizza Ordering Guidelines ***

Step one: So you've decided to have pizza for lunch. Great choice! After reaching this decision, whether you're going solo or with a group of friends, consider what kind of pizza you might like. Perhaps you have a favorite topping, like pepperoni, mushrooms or sausage. Really, what sounds good? The options are endless, but, here's the important thing: Try to take two seconds to consider what you might want before you even depart for the pizza venue.

Step two: Are you a woman? If so, you probably like dumb toppings on your pizza. Like chicken or feta cheese... or no cheese at all. Anyway, if you like dumb toppings, have your dumb topping recipe memorized, so you don't have to spend 5 minutes thinking about it at the register.

Step three: Really, there is no excuse for taking more than 30 seconds at the register once you arrive at the pizza parlor. If there is an exotic topping ("ooh, should we get the bacon and avocado pizza lol?") available, I will allow another 10 seconds for you to consider it. If you fail at steps one and two, and haven't considered for one second what kind of pizza you might like until you actually reach the pizza place, try to use the time waiting behind other idiots to think about what kind of pizza you want. Really, what we're striving for is basically the opposite of the following:

Pizza Guy: Hi, what can I get you.
Woman (with three girlfriends): Ooooh, pizza! Ok, what do I want. Oh look, they have barbecued chicken, kalamata olive and leg of lamb pizza!
Pizza Guy: Is that what you'd like?
Woman: Oh wait... maybe I want no cheese. Nah, I'm doing Atkins. Okay. Can you tell me the difference in size and price between the slice and the mini?
Pizza Guy: Uh, our slice is this big... and our mini is this big. Like, you see those cutouts on the wall?
Woman: Oh, right, ok! Now, if I get tomatoes as a topping, do you put those on before or after cooking?
Pizza Guy: Before.
Woman: Hmm. I don't know. Nancy, what are you having?

Step four: Just order pepperoni for [censored]'s sake!