[Kowalski]

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beats in bold:

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This past weekend I went out on one of those gambling boats with one of my friends and his grandparents, mom, uncle and his uncle's girlfriend for our graduation. I brought like $250 of my graduation money with me but spent over $100 at Target/movie/dinner the night before. So I was sitting with about $150. I didn't expect there to be much poker on the boat, and was just going to play blackjack/roulette/rigged machines for a few hours and hope to get lucky. I get on the boat to see a registration sheet for poker, the lowest they have is 2-5NL. Min. buyin was $100. There were about 4 tables of people, so my friend and I both signed up. I tried to get his grandpa to stake me another $200 so I didn't have to play short, but he was drunk before we even hit international waters.


So I hit the poker table and bought in for the minimum ($100). Leaving me with $50 to put on red when I lost. The table looked like it would be pretty easy. I was sitting to the right of the dealer. Behind me was a man who was missing several fingers who I will refer to as Lobster Claw, to his right was a guy who looked like George Lopez. My friend was next to him, followed by a nice Jamaican guy who actually played a solid game. There was one other white kid, who like me was young and bought in for the minimum. Apparently, he had played one time previously and turned his $100 into $1250. The rest of the table consisted of hispanic males who bought in for the full $300.

The first few hands were uneventful. I had to play tight and aggressive if I wanted to propel my chipstack(josem: wtf does this even mean?). I don't normally shortstack, so this was either going to end with me buying a Wii, or me going busto. My first button I open with KQcc to $15 and get 2 callers, the flop misses me. It's checked to a turn which gives me a flush draw. I bet and miss the river. Lobster calls down with bottom pair. I tell him nice hand. Next hand 5 people limp and I see AJ. I shove and the blinds are folded to me(josem: if people limp, they're not blinds). It gets back around to me in the SB. I have A4. Flop is T 7 4. Button bets $15 and I call. Turn Q. Both check. River is 7. I bet $30 and he auto-calls (Josem: wtf? with what? pocket threes?). My 4 was good. So I am building back up. I pick up 55 on the button and make another raise, and get callers. Flop KQ2. BB checks and I check too. He hesitates and bets $20 on the J turn and I reraise $20 more. He goes into a long monologue, pulling his beanie over his head, muttering hispanic expletives under his breath, giving me the WSOP stare down. He folds and gets up from the table fuming. He smokes a Paul Mall cigarette and seems to debate which side to light. I laugh at his obvious frustration. I start picking up a few more small pots.

My friend is stuck over $340. He lost a huge hand with 99 on a board of Q 9 K 4 Q to Q9 with his money in on the turn, then straight vs. runner runner flush, and then Q8 to K9 for $89 on a flop of 2 5 8. I tell him to get up and leave before he loses the 1k he brought with him. He doesn't play much and just wanted experience. He moves downstairs to the rigged games.

I'm close to $200 when the next hand comes up. I had been card dead for about 30 minutes. I raise 67cc from the cutoff. The big blind is a fat guy with a lot of chips. Maybe 800 behind. He calls. Flop comes TJQ rainbow. He bets $25 and I raise $50 more on a tell I had. He auto-mucks. I show my bluff to the table and theyre like "you didnt even have a draw!". Georhe Lopez lookalike points out I could've hit runners for a flush, thanks buddy. I tell the table I have ominous fortunetelling abilities and saw the clubs coming, and thats why I bet. I limp AQ next hand and someone shoves for like $90 more. I fold like a nit. Next hand I have 33 and just limp it. 5 people see a flop. It's T-3-9. It's checked to me and I bet $20. The fat guy from my bluff hand calls and the turn brings an 8. I bet $40 and he immediately pushes me all-in. I think for a second and call. He shows J-6 and he hits his Q on the river felting me. I get up and try to be a gentleman about everything. I shake everyone's hand, except lobster claw, whom I merely exchange a thumbs up with. I thank the dealer and give him an extra $5 in addition to the standard tips I had already given during the course of the hands, since he seemed like a nice guy and he had one of those cool Eastern European accents. As I'm walking away the fat hispanic guy tells me the only reason he did it was because "he had ominous fortunetelling powers and he saw it coming" I explode a little on the inside, and try not to insult him to the point where he would pull out a knife and stab me. I bluntly tell him that "Your father should've pulled out". He doesn't understand, and neither does half the table. A few people laugh and the dealer tells me nice hand.

I make my way downstairs. I look at the roulette table. The last 6 spins have been black. I put my last $45 on red. It's obviously black. So I have to kill 2 more hours on a gambling boat with $0 in my pocket. I find my friend and he's playing some game called Let It Ride. He hit some ridiculous luck and got up for the night with Quads. He then proceeded to spew most of it back at a blackjack table, ending up $50 for the night. I find his uncle and he asks me if I want a drink. He orders me some alcohol. I down it fast. And he repeats the process probably 15 times in the next 2 hours. The uncle is playing quarter slot machines. He hands me a quarter and tells me to try my luck. I hit it for 10 quarters. I bet max this time. And hit 40. I cash out and move to a new machine. I sit there drinking and playing slot machines for the next hour. I hit it big for $80, one symbol thingy away from 1200. I cashout my money and go put my head down. I stumble off the boat drunk with a family I didn't know, stealing one of the casino's fake plastic trees. They tell me to give it back to them in exchange for balloons. I take the balloons and stroll off happily. I find my friend and his family and thank his grandparents for taking us. I tell them I had a great time. They respond with "but how much did you lose?" (Josem: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha) Thanks to the slot machines I was only down like $65 for the night, I'm sure that will be the only time in my life I'll ever be able to say that. On our way home I figured I'd try to get unstuck playing the lotto. I bought 2 scratch-off tickets under the assumption that I was 50/50 to win, I would either win or I wouldn't, and 1/2 + 1/2 = 1 or a 100% of winning. I must've done some math wrong and somehow excluded the 100% chance of losing side from it too. I take a long pee. I play a 24person $10 donkament at someone's house on memorial day and win $120 putting myself up for the weekend. I get home to find $75 more in grad money. Once I dig up the spare change in my couch cushions I might have enough to buy-in full at 2-5 to bust some donkey who floats me with J6o.

Beat: Drug dealers who have so much money they float you with any 2

Brag: I got piss ass drunk for freeeee and got balloons

Variance: I won money on a slot machine (wtf?)

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Hahaha would read again