[almostbusto]

You are me except:
change nebraska to idaho.
middle class to upper class (for idaho at least, so maybe back down to middle class if you are coming from the "fake middle class" angle).

DROP the balding/poor vision stuff.
ADD emphasis to the lazy characteristic.

EDIT: didn't notice it was lazy EYE and not just being lazy. my eyes are fine, but i am pretty damn lazy.