[SoloAJ]

Firstly, thanks folks.

Note: I submitted this entirely unedited for the moment. It is the rough rough draft. I did this because I didn't want to start changing things before getting some options out of it. So I don't feel TOO bad that "it sucks" [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] That said, here are some responses.

Haha, I forgot that I left that "choice" thing in there when I copied and pasted the story. Clarification: Yes, it is a choose one or the other, and the parenthesis aren't going to be there. It would just be put in the story non-parenthetically.

I agree that the Chinese thing is a lame generalization and should just be a specific meal. Granted. Additionally, with the wife, what I was really going for was to set a scene where she is .just. finishing her meal (napkin on the plate). Any ideas for a better way to do this other than "last mouthful of soggy fried rice and put the napkin on her plate?"

John Deere tractor I put in because I'm sort of from John Deere land. Lots and lots of kids end up with small John Deere toy tractors. I figured a two word detail would be beneficial at this point to bring local readers in a little more. Does that change the perspective any?

Rothko, what puncuation are you dissatisfied with?

Fyodor, I don't open it with anything but fingers, but I know a couple people who, for whatever reason, do it with their teeth instead. Maybe it's an unnecessary detail.
-Silently was put in to relate to the deaf aspect, yes. I used it once at the beginning (the tractor) and once at the end (his nodding...this one I thought reinforced him being deaf....)

All, thanks for the responses thus far, and obviously hoping for more.

The idea was to have a subtle revelation with some punch. Not necessarily and "a-ha!" moment, but something to turn the tide a little bit. I figured after the first paragraph, the readers wouldn't suspect he was deaf at all. However, apparently the reader doesn't suspect that he is deaf at all after the 2nd one? [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] Haha.

Should I try and end the story on the revelation that he is deaf? I felt that the chronology of the scene didn't work very well doing that, hence the extra sentences following where he is happy knowing that his daughter is uttering words (unlike himself, etc.) Should I make it a blunt obvious fact that he is deaf? I figured between "loud enough for the room to hear" and her "signing" that the reader would pick it up when he is "confused." But since I wrote it, of course I think it's obvious.

More feedback please? I want to get something in that damn contest paper and this is the only one I've written thus far.