Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
a decent idea, but not very well-written, which shouldn't be so obvious in something this short.
basically, it all needs to be rewritten. here are a few pointers to start with:
the cookie isn't "concealed" by the wrapper
"hardened batter" is pointless substitution, technically inelegant variation
"Chinese food" is lame, use a specific dish
"toy John Deere tractor" awkward specificity, nix John Deere
change what the fortune says, unless his wife is a promiscuous girl
options in parentheses, neither
punctuation throughout
second paragraph is useless
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