[adanthar]

I hope this isn't the last one because it's sad [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

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I have been busto for nearly two months, haven't been able to pay any bills. I'm sure I will have
my utilities/phone/cable turned off soon. I have been depressed since losing a good job about a
year and a half ago.

I got another job with a guarantee of promotion after 3 months of working, when a position was
going to be created. The promotion would almost double my pay and I would have been making good
money. So for 3 months I worked for little money thinking I would get that promotion. I didn't get
the promotion I was told I would get, got super pissed and quit.

After that I got another job that lasted nearly a year, which I was good at, but I hated it. The
people there were pretty cool, but the work sucked. I was forced to work overtime and I worked 7
days a week most weeks, and I worked [censored] evening hours so i basically had no life. I stopped
going to my job after feeling really depressed from a fight with my girlfriend in which she left me
for about a week.

Today I almost committed suicide. I had been comtemplating it for some time and spent a little
time researching the best method. I went with carbon monoxide. Easy, clean, cheap. I put some
charcoal on a grill and left it outside while I sealed all the vents in my bathroom. I got a photo
album, my MP3 player and some vodka. I opened all the other windows in the house and turned on the
fans so when my girlfriend found me she wouldn't die as well, and so my dogs wouldn't die since
they were in their cage in my living room.

After the charcoal burned for about 25 to 30 minutes, I brought the grill into the bathroom, put a
wet towel at the bottom of the door, and started the bath water (I was wearing my swimsuit so I
wasn't naked for the EMS or whoever showed up). I put on my favorite album of all time (Grace by
Jeff Buckley) and went about looking at the photo album.

Time went by and it didn't seem like anything was happening. Soon, I started to feel the effects.
I was light headed, started getting dizzy and sleepy and obviously my thoughts were jumbled and I
wasn't thinking clearly. I got through the entire album. And I was so close to falling asleep
but for some reason I decided I didn't want to die. I got up, and was so dizzy I could barely
stand. I stammered out of the tub and tried to open the door and realized it was locked. I unlocked
it and tried opening it again. I couldn't get it open and looked down and saw the towel I had put
there kept me from opening it. I pulled as hard as I could at the time and got it to open and
closed it behind me

I stumbled out into the hallway and into my living room, where I sat on my couch, soaked. I sat
there with my head in my hands trying to regain my thoughts. I sat there for probably 5 minutes.
I went and stood by the window and tried to breath in the fresh air. After I felt fairly
levelheaded again I went back in the bathroom, pulled the grill out and took it out on my porch. I went
back in the bathroom and started the fan in there and took the tape off of the vents I had sealed.
I couldn't tell if the dizzy feeling I had was still from when I was in there the first time or
because I had gone back in and there was still a lack of oxygen.

Then I cleaned up any evidence I could think of that my girlfriend might see when she comes home.
Now I'm sitting here typing this, still feeling the effects, which are making it hard to type. I
have only smoked weed and never done any hard drugs, but I will assume this is sort of what it's
like.

I'm pretty sure if I would have been in there another 5 minutes I would have been asleep and would
never have woken up. I have no idea how I even managed to get up and get out in the stupor I was
in. I still don't feel normal after being out of there for nearly an hour, and who knows if this
will leave much permanent damage on my brain.

I'm still broke and in the red in my checking account, and I have no idea what i'm going to do
with my money situation, since given my situation I hardly doubt I can get a loan from an
institution, and I won't ask for this kind of money from friends/family, neither of which probably have a few
thousand just sitting around. I'll probably go through with this soon.

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