[youtalkfunny]

Navy is the best way to go: no matter what happens in the world, or where you are sent, you always get three hot meals and a bed.

But those white uniforms look horrible on fat guys like me (see Rip Torn at the end of "Down Periscope"), so I couldn't join the Navy.

I'm too laid back to be a Marine, so that was out. It was either Army or Air Force for me. Flying sounded cool, so I went to the AF recruiter first:

HIM: Can I help you?
ME: I'm thinking about enlisting.
HIM: (skeptical) To do what?
ME: I dunno. Fly planes, maybe?
HIM: Do you have 20/20 uncorrected?
ME: I don't think so.
HIM: Then you can't fly a plane. Do you want to fix planes?
ME: (I don't like this guy's attitude) No, I don't.
HIM: Well, if you can't fly planes, and you don't want to fix them, I can't use you.

So that's how I ended up in the army.

Somebody asked about intelligence MOS's. I put up super-high numbers on all the aptitude tests, so they steered me towards MI (military intelligence). I was a 98G (Intelligence Interceptor/Analyst). My job was sit on the DMZ, strap on some headphones, and listen to the North Koreans (this was WAY before 9/11/01, the North Koreans were the closest thing to a viable threat at the time).

After Basic Training, I was sent to the DoD's Foreign Language school in Monterey, CA, where I was given a one-year crash course in Korean. My work day was in a classroom, 7 AM to 3 PM, M-F, with about 4-6 hours of homework/studying each night. Because they want you to focus on your studies, they didn't make a big deal about making your bed perfectly ("civilian bedding authorized" means, "Just throw a comforter over it!") and crap like that.

After sweet, cushy year in beautiful Monterey, the plan was to go to Fort Huachuca in Arizona to learn about the radio equipment I'd be using...then off to DMZ land. Lucky for me, I got discharged at the end of my stay in Monterey (overweight--not "lazy and malingering", but "busting my ass and still unable to get below the max numbers for my height"). My friends who went on tell me that Korea sucked ass, big time. They each had to room with a Korean soldier, and they were told to only speak Korean whenever possible (it's the only way to learn). Major suckage. Korean is HARD. It's not Spanish or French.

I don't understand all the love for the "elite" units like Rangers and Seals. That stuff's hard. Go MI, it's easy!

"C-130 coming down the strip
Ain't no MI on that trip
MI, MI, working hard
Drinking coffee, playing cards!"