Re: have you ever felt so depressed that you want to commit suicide?
I'm almost sure any professional therapist would tell you to quit Poker, and this is probably good advice.
But my advice is the opposite.
Poker isn't alcohol, and it isn't roulette. Poker is a game. Games can be used to intoxicate, to escape, and to self-destruct. But good games can do more than that. And Poker is a good game.
I would recommend totally changing your attitude to the game. I think you should approach Poker as a martial art. Think of it as an established discipline, of which you are a student. Approach it with humility and respect. Don't just plop down in front of the computer and toss out your game and see what happens. Enter into the game as if you were entering into a sacred place. Practice your game the way that serious martial artists practice their craft - as a form of moving mediation. Respect the game, your opponents, and yourself. Embrace the proper "extra-game" techniques (bankroll management, tilt control, results indifference, away-from-table study) the way a martial artist embraces the established customs and rituals of his school - without question. Learn to breathe.
It's clear from your stories that you are a lover, not a fighter. But I fear that if you don't make a serious effort to master and control your warrior spirit Poker will kick your ass over and over again.
I wish you the best.
/mc
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