This is a sizable chunk of an old screenplay i wrote a few years ago.
I am a semi-regular poster here posting as a gimmick so there is no bias from people that typically like or dislike me, and because i prefer to be distanced from my work.
Anyhow, I am a fan of oot's sense of humor in general, so I thought I would post it if anyone cared to read.
There are some random working notes interspersed, mostly towards the end, just disregard them, as this was the only copy I had on hand on this computer.
Thoughts? (other than tl;dr).
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EXT. MCGUIRE'S GUITAR STORE - DAY
The sky is overcast and it is evident that a large storm has
just passed. A silver Ford Probe pulls into a parking space
in front of the music store. The windows are down and indie
rock music is playing loudly. Both doors open simultaneously
as two young college men step out, BRIAN and JOHN. Brian is
wearing a Velvet Underground shirt, khaki shorts, and birkenstocks. John
is wearing a Beastie Boys shirt, jeans, and flip flops.
JOHN
(laughing)
...and that my friend is why I would
choose death.
(beat)
Anyway, what are we for again?
BRIAN
I told you, I have to get a tuner and
some picks. I probably should have just
ordered everything when I got the guitar.
Oh well.
They open the door and enter the local music store. As the
door shuts a tall, heavyset man walks down the road in the
background.
INT. MCGUIRE'S GUITAR STORE -DAY
The store is full of guys browsing, playing, and talking to
the workers. Everyone is over 30 and the two young men look
out of place. The workers do not pay any attention to them
and go about their conversation. BRIAN begins to wander
around the store trying to find a tuner. JOHN walks over to
the wall and starts to look at a mandolin as the OLD MAN next
to him notices.
OLD MAN
Do you play?
JOHN
What?
OLD MAN
I ask if you play the mandolin boy.
JOHN
(with a slight false country
accent)
Oh, no sir. You see I play the dulcimer.
OLD MAN
Well, now that sure is interesting.
JOHN
Yes, I sure do love it. It was handed
down to me by my granddaddy. You see he
was one of the finest dulcimer players in
all of....
BRIAN walks over and interrupts.
BRIAN
Hey, I couldn't find it. Let's just go
ask the guy working and get out of here.
JOHN
(still with the country accent)
I reckon that is a grand idea friend.
(to the old man)
Well it was nice talking to you sir.
He waves goodbye to the OLD MAN.
BRIAN
Why are you doing that gay thing with
your voice?
JOHN
(still with country accent)
I reckon I was a-[censored] with that old
man. I tells him I play the dulcimer and
how my granddaddy played it before me.
Brian's cell phone rings once. He reaches into his pocket and
silences the ringer.
BRIAN
Gotcha. Anyway, this thing had better be
cheap. I only have twenty bucks on me.
JOHN
Well maybe if you stopped blowing all
your money on handjobs from the chef at
Fazoli's, money wouldn't be such a
problem.
BRIAN
Yeah, well I guess I'll have to go back
to getting the free ones from your mom.
JOHN
Well at least that way you are only
blowing one of your wads.
BRIAN
Hey nice work on simultaneously being gay
and lame.
BRIAN and JOHN approach the counter. Brian has to strain to
get the attention of the STORE EMPLOYEE.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Excuse me, can you help me out?
The STORE EMPLOYEE is dressed in black, has a ponytail, and a
beard. He has a very smarmy demeanor and does not want to
deal with BRIAN.
STORE EMPLOYEE
Well that's what I am here for. What do
need big guy?
BRIAN
I'm looking for a guitar tuner for my new
acoustic.
STORE EMPLOYEE
And can you be more specific please? We
have a lot to choose from here.
BRIAN
Well I'm hoping to find one for under
twenty dollars. Do you have one like
that?
STORE EMPLOYEE
Well then I have exactly what you need.
He reaches down and grabs a box.
STORE EMPLOYEE (CONT'D)
Here we go. This is fifteen bucks, comes
with a battery, and works like a charm.
Need anything else?
BRIAN
So this will tune acoustics?
STORE EMPLOYEE
Sure will. Acoustics, electrics, bass,
dulcimer; you name it, it will tune it.
BRIAN
Okay. And umm, do you have any picks?
JOHN, standing next to BRIAN, notices a large display of
picks on the counter. JOHN makes a face to the store employee
as if to say 'sorry, my friend is retarded'.
STORE EMPLOYEE
I believe there may be some right there.
The STORE EMPLOYEE does an exaggerated point towards the
display.
STORE EMPLOYEE (CONT'D)
We would not be much of a music store
without picks, now would we?
JOHN
Yeah, sorry he is mildly retarded.
STORE EMPLOYEE
It seems so. How many and what type do
you need?
BRIAN
What? Oh, I will take 5...of the medium
kind.
STORE EMPLOYEE
That will be $17.88.
The register clinks. BRIAN and JOHN exit the store.
EXT MCGUIRE'S GUITAR STORE - DAY
BRIAN
Holy hell that guy was a total jerkoff.
That smarmy [censored].
JOHN
(laughing)
You are just pissed off that you looked
like a [censored] asking for picks.
(beat)
What does that even mean, smarmy?
BRIAN
It means like, effusively unctious.
JOHN
And that means...?
BRIAN
(pauses)
It just means he is a [censored] jerkface.
(beat)
So what do you want to do?
JOHN
I don't know. Doesn't matter to me.
Brian and John open the doors to Brian's car and get in. The
doors and panels have small dents in it.
INT BRIAN'S CAR - DAY
Brian starts the car as John looks at the guitar tuner
packaging. The interior of the car is littered with bottles
and various garbage. A bobble-head koala is mounted on the
dashboard and two leis hang from the rearview mirror.
The car backs out of the parking space and pulls out onto the
road.
BRIAN
Grab the 'Marcus eats dogfood' mix.
JOHN
Red CD, right?
BRIAN
Yeah, it should be on the left.
John looks down between the two seats where forty or so CDs
are vertically held in place on each side of the emergency
brake. He grabs the left half and quickly removes a red CD.
On it is a cartoon of a stick-man using a spoon to eat from a
can of dog food. Underneath the drawing "Marcus eats dogfood"
is written in permanent marker. He hands it to Brian.
JOHN
Here you go.
Brian places the CD into a portable walkman that is connected
to the tape deck and powered by a cigarette lighter
attachment.
Brian removes his black cell phone from his pocket and checks
the missed call.
BRIAN
That was Adam who called. Give him a call
back.
As Brian presses play and begins to search through songs,
John gives Adam a call from his shiny silver cell phone.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
You realize that phone makes you look
like eurotrash, right?
JOHN
(starting to say something to
Brian)
What does...
(into the phone)
Hey Adam what's up?
(beat)
Not much really.
(beat)
Sure, right now?
(beat)
(to Brian)
Want to go the mall?
BRIAN
Sure why not.
JOHN
(into the phone)
That's cool. We will swing by and pick
you up. Later.
The car continues down the road. Occasionally large muddy
puddles of water lie on the side of the road.
BRIAN
So are you pretty much ready for finals?
JOHN
Not really. More so than you I'm sure.
BRIAN
If you got an automatic A in each course
for peeing in your pants during the
final, would you do it?
JOHN
Do I have to do it for each class I want
an A in?
BRIAN
Yeah, for each time you pee in your
pants, you get an A for that course.
JOHN
And everyone would see me?
BRIAN
(nodding his head)
Of course.
JOHN
Probably not because I will end up with
decent grades anyway. Well maybe for calc
2, but that is only because there aren't
any cute girls in there. Would you piss
your pants for an A?
BRIAN
Hell yes I would. But see, I would beat
the system. I would pee right before I
walked into the class room. Then, I would
force myself to pee as soon as the exam
started. By the time it is over, my
little pee spot will have dried up. Easy
A and no embarressment.
JOHN
Wait a minute, you can't do that.
BRIAN
Why can't I?
JOHN
(frustrated)
Because it is cheating. It's like...if
you wore a diaper to the final and just
pissed in it. It doesn't count. No A.
BRIAN
(astonished)
Diaper huh? Damn why didn't I think of
that? That is genius.
John grabs the CD walkman and begins to change the song as he
notices a man walking down the side of the road. John notices
he is right next to a large puddle of water.
JOHN
(excited, hurriedly)
Swerve in puddle! Swerve in puddle! Quick
swerve puddle. Do it!
Brian jerks the wheel to the right just as the car passes the
man walking down the road. It goes directly through a large
pool of water, splashing a large amount of mud and water all
over the man. The pool of water turns out to be laying in a
deep pothole that the wheel crashed down into. Brian and John
scream as they realize what has happened.
As it impacts, the entire car jumps and shakes as the right
front tire blows sending the car of the road about 20 yards
in front of the puddle. This causes the CD walkman to fall to
the floorboard which changes the song as it hits. John
Lennon's "Instant Karma" begins to play. Brian and John sit
in silence for a few moments.
BRIAN
(subdued)
[censored].
JOHN
I'm pretty sure it blew out the tire. Do
you have a spare?
Before Brian has a chance to answer a hand reaches into the
window and opens the door from the inside. The large man
reaches in with both hands, grabs Brian by the shirt and
pulls him out of the car and onto the ground.
BRIAN
(yelling)
Oh [censored]!
Brian stands up.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
I am sorry sir. I apologize I am sorry.
It was an accident. I'm so sorry.
LARGE MAN
[censored] punk kid!
The large man, now covered in water and mud, runs at Brian
and punches him in the stomach, dropping him to the ground.
John, remaining in the car, leans over to the driver side and
rolls both of the windows up and locks the doors as Brian is
being kicked in the background. The music drowns out Brian's
cries for help.
FADE TO BLACK.
OPENING CREDITS
EXT - CAMPUS DORMS - DAY
FADE IN:
Two large dormitory towers rise about 20 stories above the
ground. Each is surrounded by four low-rise dorms. The sky is
gradually clearing up from the rain earlier in the afternoon.
A small number of college students congregate in the small
common area between the buildings as Brian and John walk
towards one of the smaller buildings. Brian is limping
slightly and clutching at his stomach. His lip and eye are
slightly swollen and clothing dishevelled.
INT - DORM LOBBY - DAY
A man sits behind the lobby desk playing a video-game on his
computer. Gothic techno music is playing on a portable stereo
on the counter. He has dark orange dyed hair and a goatee. He
wears a black silk shirt with green dragons up the sides and
has on a pair of dark black sunglasses. He is Earl.
EARL
(To Brian)
What the [censored] happened to you?
BRIAN
(pissed)
Nothing
EARL
Aww, did your girlfriend kick your ass
for having such a little dick?
BRIAN
No
(Beat)
And I am not dating that skank anymore
anyway.
JOHN
(smiling)
A hobo beat him up.
EARL
(laughing)
How did you manage to get into a fight
with a hobo?! Did you like touch.....
BRIAN
(cutting him off)
He wasn't a hobo. Just this big guy
walking down...
JOHN
(cutting Brian off)
It wasn't really a fight either. That
implies Brian did more than scream.
EARL
So a hobo beat your ass huh?
Brian shakes his head and begins to walk towards the
stairwell.
BRIAN
Anyway, we are here to get Smith. Later
Earl. That music is trash by the way.
Brian exits the lobby through the stairwell door. John walks
towards the desk and looks at the computer screen.
JOHN
What are you playing?
EARL
(excited)
The new Aurora-Force Warlocks and Witches
expansion pack. It has this all new
mantra magic system and extra
elemental....
JOHN
(disinterested)
Ehh.
John walks off and exits the Lobby as Earl continues to speak
and look at the computer screen.
INT - STAIRWELL - DAY
Brian slowly walks up the last few steps to the second floor
as John quickly jumps to steps at a time to catch up.
BRIAN
Hey should we give Frazier a call and see
if he wants to go?
Brian and John exit the stairwell and begin to walk down the
hall to Adam's dorm room.
JOHN
No, he is back in Bourbon County for a
horse show I think.
As they turn the corner they see Adam Smith sitting on the
hall floor, propped against the wall reading an agricultural
textbook. Adam is wearing cargo shorts and a
hampsterdance.com t-shirt. He stands six feet tall and has a
muscular build. His short buzzed hair shows a receding
hairline. He looks up and smiles when he sees Brian and John
approach.
ADAM
About damn time.
(noticing Brian's bruises)
What happened to you?
BRIAN
(before John can begin to talk)
Why are you sitting out in the hall? Is
Joe in there changing or something?
ADAM
No he went to the gym I think.
(quickly)
You all ready? Let's go. I have a lot of
studying to get to tonight.
Adam stands up.
JOHN
Yeah. So why were you sitting out in the
hallway?
ADAM
(passively)
There was a wasp.
BRIAN
What, a wasp? In your room?
ADAM
Yeah...
BRIAN
Well why didn't you just kill it?
ADAM
I don't know. It kept buzzing around
me...I didn't want to get stung.
JOHN
Understandable.
They begin to walk towards the steps, Adam with book in hand.
BRIAN
So are you going to put that in your room
or just carry it around all day?
ADAM
I'll just leave it at the front desk with
Earl.
INT DAY - DORM LOBBY - DAY
Earl still sits at the computer on the desk. He is no longer
playing a videogame, and a plate of food is on the table.
ADAM
Earl, mind if I leave this book here with
you?
Earl lets out of a huff of frustration and quickly turns away
from his computer screen
EARL
(aggrevated)
Must you interrupt me? I am in the middle
of a virtual picnic with my e-girlfriend
at the moment.
Brian and John look at each other.
EARL (CONT'D)
Anyway,
(beat)
Why don't you just put it in your room?
BRIAN
(chiming in)
Huge wasp in there.
EARL
(as if understanding the
important of the situation)
Oh, okay.
(beat)
Just set it on the counter.
Adam sets the book on the counter.
EARL (CONT'D)
It's the Carrion Faeries by the way.
ADAM
What?
EARL
(to Brian)
The group I am listening to. It isn't
[censored] trash.
BRIAN
Later Earl.
EXT - DORM COMPLEX - DAY
Brian, John, and Adam are walking towards the car.
JOHN
(to Adam)
So what do you need to get?
ADAM
A new pair of shoes and a movie.
BRIAN
What movie?
ADAM
(hesitantly)
I don't really know.
Brian slides his key into the driver side door as John and
Adam walk over to the passenger side. Upon getting to the
other side, Adam sees that the front right tire is now
replaced with a tiny, tiny donut spare wheel.
ADAM (CONT'D)
(laughing)
What happened to the wheel?
BRIAN
The tire popped. That is a spare.
Adam leans over and looks at it closer and gives it a kick.
ADAM
(still laughing)
But it looks so stupid.
Brian gets in the car, starts the car, and rolls the windows
down. John and Adam are seen through the window, both with
their right fist resting in the open left palm.
JOHN
Two out of three.
(beat)
Go.
They are playing paper-rock-scissor. Adam throws rock; John
throws paper. The second hand they both throw scissors. The
next hand Adam throws rock again and John again beats him
with paper. John raises his arms triumphantly.
JOHN (CONT'D)
(to Adam)
To the back with you!.
Adam climbs into the tiny, cramped, garbage riddled back
seat.
ADAM
(muttering)
Stupid [censored] rock.
John gets into the passenger seat, shuts the door, and
reclines the seat back, crushing Adam even more.
JOHN
(laughing, to Brian)
He throws it every time.
EXT - FAYETTE MALL - DAY
The mall. It resembles every other fairly nice mall across
America. A bum sits propped up by the entrance. He has a
cardboard sign which reads: "God Bless America"; and a small
cup for change.
As Brian, John, and Adam walk by, Adam puts some change into
the man's cup. The bum nods his head in appreciation as the
guys enter into the mall food court.
INT - MALL - FOOD COURT - DAY
The three begin to walk through the mall. Brian is constantly
looking around at women.
BRIAN
(to Adam)
Did you just give that bum money?
ADAM
Yeah, like a quarter. Why?
BRIAN
But all he was doing was sitting there.
JOHN
Well, he IS a bum.
BRIAN
Yeah, but personally I think that bums
should have to work a bit harder to earn
their money.
ADAM
Well, he had a sign.
JOHN
Not to totally agree with Brian, but that
sign was pretty lame.
(beat)
I mean, relying on patriotism is just a
bit too obvious to make me hand over my
change. He could have at least attempted
some bum humor and had the sign say
something like "Screw Food, I Need
Beer!". It was just a total lack of
motivation and effort on his part.
BRIAN
I agree. Than again, if he were motivated
person he probably wouldn't be a bum in
the first place.
JOHN
And yet you want him to perform in order
to get your change?
BRIAN
Exactly.
ADAM
Geez, shut up about the damn hobo
already. I only gave him a quarter.
BRIAN
Well in that case can I have a quarter?
Me and John are heading to the arcade.
Just meet us in the food court when you
are done.
JOHN
Adam, not a hobo. That guy was a bum.
Hobos migrate. That's the difference.
Adam shakes his head and heads down a walkway as Brian and
John head in the other direction. The customer service desk
is being staffed by two fairly attractive young women.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Check it out, hot customer service chick.
BRIAN
No, the girl in the blue is 'customer
service chicks older sister.' Hot
customer server chick looks just like
her, but more petite and a bit cuter.
JOHN
But they aren't really sisters, right?
BRIAN
Yeah, I'm just saying they look alike.
(beat)
And that other girl is 'mini-backpack
purse girl.'
JOHN
Who?
BRIAN
Remember, like a year ago at that party
off Sherrard Circle...She was one of the
only two cute girls there. She had that
heavy blue makeup on her eyelids and was
always talking to the slutty blonde that
was in the pink top. She was wearing one
of those tiny backpack purses.
JOHN
The blonde [censored]?
BRIAN
No, mini-backpack purse chick. Anyway,
that was her.
JOHN
Your ability to remember crap like that
about girls you see for maybe, like five
seconds, is uncanny.
(thinking for a second)
I love it when a girl with blonde hair is
wearing pink. It is a perfect
combination...so hot.
Brian notices a woman walking in the opposite direction.
BRIAN
(motioning with his head
towards the woman)
Like her?
John looks and sees a woman with bleach blonde hair and a
baby pink top. She looks to be around 60 years old.
JOHN
Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Wassup stinky boo?
They continue to walk for a few seconds when Brian notices a
group of three 16 year old girls sitting at a bench.
Something catches his eye as he stops and turns.
BRIAN
Oh my dear Lord.
JOHN
What?
(seeing the girls)
They are like 8 years old you pedophile.
BRIAN
The poster jackass. Hanging up.
John looks past the girls and sees THE POSTER. It is hanging
from the show window in the Victoria's Secret store. The
woman on the poster is model Adriana Lima. She has dark skin,
dark brown hair, and shining blue eyes. All that she is
wearing is a purple sheer set of bra and panties and a gold
chain around her neck.
JOHN
Holy sweet God damn.
(beat)
That is incredible.
Brian and John walk up in front of the window and stare up at
the poster. It is eleven feet tall and five feet wide.
BRIAN
This is the most beautiful thing I have
ever seen in my life.
JOHN
I would honestly punch you in the face
right now to make out with that woman.
BRIAN
And I would let you.
(beat)
You do realize that we are going to have
to steal this right?
JOHN
Yes. Yes we do. Soon.
They continue to stand in front of the poster, both staring
up at it.
JOHN (CONT'D)
It's the gold chain. That's what does it
for me. Perfect.
BRIAN
No no. It's the look in her eyes. Like
she is about to have her way with me.
(beat)
We had better get to the arcade before we
start creeping people out.
They begin to walk away, both looking back with eyes locked
on the poster.
INT - MALL - OUTSIDE ARCADE
Brian and John enter the arcade.
INT - MALL - INSIDE ARCADE
The arcade is relatively dark inside. As Brian and John get
change from the machine, patrons are seen playing various
games. Two fat kids, whose t-shirts are soaked through with
sweat, jump in sequence as they play Dance Dance Revolution 3
while another chubby kid watches. A seventy year old man is
skillyfully throwing skee-ball.
Brian and John approach the two-man shooting game Time Crisis
II and drop their quarters in.
JOHN
I swear that old guy is always here
playing skee-ball. He is like a pro or
something. Just watch him
The old man swings the ball back, approaches the ramp, and
gracefully releases. The ball drops into the tiny 1000-point
hole and the old man pumps his fist. The machine dispenses
more tickets to the already enormous pile laying on the
ground.
Brian presses start and the two begin to shoot at the screen.
BRIAN
My theory is that he is retired, has
nothing to do with his time, and loves
those giant pixie sticks I bet he gets
with all those tickets.
(beat)
Anyway, about that poster. We need to get
it, seriously. It would look so badass in
the apartment.
JOHN
Yeah it would. Just a matter of planning
it out and taking it. We need more people
to help obviously.
BRIAN
I'm thinking the two of us and three or
four others would be...
Brian gets shot in the videogame.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
(pissed)
Damn it could you give me a little help
once in a while? I'm doing like eighty
percent of the work here.
(beat)
I'm pretty sure Frazier will be up for
it. Jake too. Then Marcus and Adam would
make six.
JOHN
Yeah we can talk Marcus and Adam into
anything. Make you pay attention to
everything when we walk back by so we can
map it out later.
BRIAN
Will do.
Brian gets shot again and slams the gun down into the
holster.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
(pissed again)
You just got my ass killed!
John starts laughing as Brian turns and looks over at the
skee-ball machines. The old man throws two balls
simultaneously, one with each hand, up the ramp and into the
thousand point holes. He pumps his fist and turns and makes
eye contact with Brian. He points at him with his hand shaped
like a gun and winks as he "fires". Brian stares back blankly
and gives him the thumbs up.
INT - MALL - FOOD COURT - DAY
Adam sits alone at table drinking a milkshake. He is no
longer wearing sandals and is instead wearing unique looking
blue tennis shoes.
Brian and John approach and notice the shoes.
JOHN
I see you got some new shoes. What are
they?
ADAM
"No Boundaries". Fourteen bucks at Tim's
Discount Shoery" You all like em?
Brian and John almost begin to make fun of them, but realize
that they are pretty nice.
BRIAN
Nice, I like them.
JOHN
Fourteen bucks huh?
(beat)
Did you get your movie?
ADAM
No. Do you all mind going to Walmart?
DVD's are cheaper there.
BRIAN
That's fine I need more ping pong balls
anyway. Have you seen the huge poster at
Victoria Secret?
ADAM
Yeah, hot girl in the purple. Why?
BRIAN
We are going to steal it. Will you help
us out?
ADAM
(looking around, quietly)
What? Like right now?
JOHN
Not right now. We will plan it out later.
ADAM
Yeah I guess. Only if I'm not too
involved though.
BRIAN
You won't be.
Brian stands up.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Well let's go. I have important things to
do today.
John and Adam get up to leave and as the three exit, they
pass the old man from the arcade sitting down. He has a large
number of giant pixie sticks in one hand and is dumping one
in his mouth with the other hand. He is also wearing a number
of black plastic spider rings.
EXT - WALMART - PARKING LOT -DAY
Brian's car pulls into a parking space in the enormous packed
lot. They get out of the car, Adam again getting out of the
tiny back seat, and begin to walk towards the store. They
pass three fourteen to sixteen year old skateboarders smoking
and sitting around a cart drop-off. One of the skateboard
punks notices Brian's shirt as they walk by.
SKATEBOARD PUNK
(to Brian)
Hey man, hate to break it to you but
Weezer sucks my ass.
Brian is caught off guard as the punks all start laughing.
BRIAN
(still walking)
Yeah well too bad that...
(awkwardly)
you suck.
The skateboard punks, along with Adam and John, laugh again
at the lameness of the comeback.
ADAM
You just got punked out by those kids!
BRIAN
(pissed)
I didn't get punked out! I can't stand
little jerk faces like that.
JOHN
Don't be pissed that they are just cooler
than you.
BRIAN
They aren't [censored] cooler than me.
JOHN
Well they are at least wittier.
(beat)
You should have called him out for his
'dirty teenage mustache'.
The vocal punk lightly strokes the dirty mustache he has
spent the past fifteen years of his life growing.
BRIAN
They caught me off guard.
Brian, John, and Adam go into the entrance on the right side
of the store. By the other entrance on the on left end of the
store, a bum lays asleep.
He sits up, reaches into a potato sack and pulls out a coffee
can full of change and an old style boom-box. He sets the can
down in front of himself and presses play. The song "Best
Looking Boys" by the Promise Ring begins to play. The bum
begins to dance wildly as a small crowd instantly gathers.
They begin to clap along and throw change and dollar bills
into the can. The skateboard punks can be seen walking toward
him in the background. They quickly run by and swoop up the
can full of money and take off running. The bum immediately
stops dancing and runs after them out of frame. The stereo
continues to play and moments later of the skaters run into
frame and kick the hell out of the stereo.
CUT TO:
INT - WALMART - DAY
Brian, John and Adam walking through the store.
JOHN
What movie are you getting?
ADAM
The Postman.
JOHN
(high pitched)
Whaaaaaaaaaat?
BRIAN
Why do you buy such bad movies? I think
you have a raging hard-on for Kevin
Costner.
ADAM
(seriously)
It is a scavenger movie. I'm a scavenger.
I like scavenger movies.
Brian and John laugh.
BRIAN
Well I am going to see if they have any
three-stars while you go scavenge up your
Costner movie.
Brian and John walk off to the sporting goods as Adam heads
to electronics.
INT - WALMART - SPORTING GOODS - DAY
Brian is looking at the ping-pong equipment and sees only 1
star (low quality) balls.
BRIAN
(muttering)
Pieces of crap.
JOHN
(O.S.)
Check it out!
Brian turns and sees John smiling and holding up a package
containing a silver pistol.
BRIAN
Badass!
INT - WALMART - ELECTRONICS - DAY
Adam stands with the Postman in hand looking at the other
movies as Brian and John walk up.
ADAM
You all ready?
(noticing the guns)
What are those?
JOHN
Tampons.
(beat)
What the hell do they look like?
ADAM
Well are they real?
BRIAN
In a sense, yes. They shoot plastic
bullets. 20 bucks
ADAM
That's cool, but I prefer the real thing.
Adam motions to his waistline and presses on his T-shirt to
reveal the outline a pistol.
BRIAN
We appreciate your protection Mr. Heston.
They approach the checkout lanes where an old woman in heavy
makeup is working. Brian grabs a pack of Mambas from the
candy stand as she checks John out. Brian places the gun and
Mambas on the counter.
OLD CASHIER WOMAN
(sternly)
I.D.
Brian doesn't realize what she is asking for.
OLD CASHIER WOMAN (CONT'D)
I.D. please. You have to be at least
sixteen to purchase this.
Brian removes his wallet and shows his license to the woman
and begins to put it back in his pocket.
OLD CASHIER WOMAN (CONT'D)
Take it out of your wallet sir.
Brian removes his wallet and takes the license out and hands
it to the woman.
She looks at it, looks at Brian, then looks back at it. She
holds it out with extended arms and Brian begins to reach for
it. She pulls it back from his hands, holds it up to the
light, flips it over, looks again, and finally hands it back.
Brian snatches it out of her hand and hands her his credit
card.
JOHN
I thought you didn't have any money?
BRIAN
I don't. Putting it on my Mom's card;
tell her its groceries or something.
Brian is handed his bag as Adam sets his movie down.
OLD CASHIER WOMAN
Oh I love scavenger movies!
ADAM
Me too!
(motioning to Brian and John)
They made fun of me.
The woman looks over and gives them a dirty look.
EXT - WALMART - DAY
The three are walking out to the car.
BRIAN
I can't believe that old [censored] I.D.'d me
like that.
ADAM
I thought she was nice.
BRIAN
You think that only because she has a
crush on Kevin Costner too.
JOHN
Wouldn't the mere fact that you have a
license entail that you are at least
sixteen?
BRIAN
I know!
JOHN
What a cashier nazi.
ADAM
Maybe she thought it was fake.
BRIAN
Yeah I had forgotten about all of the
young kids using fake I.D.'s to buy cheap
plastic guns.
ADAM
It's possible.
They continue to walk for a moment.
BRIAN
Let's go throw frisbee.
JOHN
Can't, have to study.
ADAM
Same here.
BRIAN
That is a cop out. Come on.
JOHN
It's not a cop out. Some people actually
care about their classes; I'm going to
study.
ADAM
Not everyone can just guess on their
exams and still manage to get a B.
BRIAN
(to Adam)
Come on. You will just end up watching
The Postman.
(to John)
And you will end up playing videogames
and napping all day.
(beat)
I will give Jake a call.
INT - DILAPIDATED HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
A rotary phone, ringing, rests on the counter next to the
refridgerater. An electrical guitar is being played in the
other room. A dry erase board on the refridgerator reads:
'Jake - We need last months electrical and cable NOW -
$43.86'
A man walks into the kitchen. He looks to be about 18 years
old trying to appear 28, sporting a beard and glasses. He
answers the phone.
BEARDED GUY
Hold on.
He walks out of the kitchen and down a hallway where a quilt
is hanging in front of the entrance to the next room. He
moves the quilt aside to enter the living room. He walks in
to find a young guy butt ass naked, save for the guitar slung
low over his genitals. The naked guy does not notice his
appearance and continues wailing on the guitar. The living
room is full of musical equipment: amps, guitars, a drum set.
It's walls are covered in various quilts and blankets in an
attempt to soundproof the room.
BEARDED GUY (CONT'D)
(yelling)
JAKE!
Jake, still playing, doesn't notice.
BEARDED GUY (CONT'D)
(yelling louder)
JAKE!
Jake looks up while continuing to play.
The bearded guy mouths "phone" while holding his hand to his
head. Jake nods in understanding and stops playing. The
bearded guy begins to exit through the quilt, stops, and pops
his head back in.
BEARDED GUY (CONT'D)
And could you put some [censored] clothes
on?
EXT - LIBRARY - LATE - DAY
The expansive library rests against a now clear blue sky. A
large number of students are walking about the area.
INT - LIBRARY - TOP FLOOR - DAY
A large number of students study at rows of large wooden
tables. Ambient classical music plays. We follow behind an
attractive young woman as she walks by a number of the
tables. At the end of the row of tables to walks by a window
and looks out of it.
In an open field out the window, four small figures are seen
running around.
EXT - OPEN FIELD NEXT TO LIBRARY - DAY
Brian, John, Adam, and Jake are throwing frisbee. A brief
montage show them running, throwing, and making a number of
impressive catches: diving, between the legs, behind the
back. At the end of the montage everyone is standing around
out of breath.
JAKE
That was badass.
JOHN
Too wet, could't run well.
BRIAN
Blah. We suck ass now. Too much frolfing
lately has thrown everyone off.
JAKE
What are you all doing tonight? We should
frolf before it gets dark.
JOHN
Sorry can't. Going to study now.
ADAM
Same here.
JAKE
[censored] thats right, your finals are coming
up.
(to Brian)
Want to pong?
BRIAN
Yeah, I have my stuff in my car right by
the Seaton Center.
(to John)
I'll be up there later after I shower and
crap. Fifth floor tables?
JOHN
Always. Holla.
INT - SPORTS & REC CENTER - RACQUETBALL ROOM - DAY
Brian and Jake are in a wooden-floored racquetball room where
a ping pong table lies in the middle. They are both sweating,
rallying the ball back and forth like pros. On a catwalk
overhead, an Asian man and woman watch them play. Jake rips a
winner off the back of the table and raises his arms in the
air.
JAKE
(yelling)
[censored] RIGHT!
BRIAN
DAMMIT.
(picking the ball up)
Ten All. Your serve.
They continue to play.
JAKE
So are you just not even worrying about
studying for finals?
BRIAN
Not much one can do at this point. I mean
I will study a bit, but I am pretty much
locked into whatever I am going to get in
everything.
JAKE
So after this semester you will be
totally off of your scholarship? Your mom
is going to be pissed.
BRIAN
No way, that has been totally lost for a
while now. Was on probation last fall,
and you know how that went. She will be
pretty pissed though when the grades come
in. I am just ready for the summer to
start.
JAKE
Yeah. I can't wait until next fall starts
back up though. It sucks being away from
everything and work has been killing me.
The money is nice but I regret taking the
semester off.
BRIAN
Are you going to keep working there over
the summer?
JAKE
No, teaching tennis again. Easy money and
it is pretty fun. Are you working this
summer?
(beat)
Game point by the way.
BRIAN
Probably not. Hopefully my parents will
still cover rent and I will just live off
the rest of my savings and take it easy
all summer.
(beat)
Bring it chimpo.<b