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BEAT: Some girl pooped on my carpet.

I come home from work at 3:00 AM and there is a girl passed out on our futon. I make nothing of it because my roomates are huge partyers and we almost always have someone who crashes on our futon on the weekends.

I wake up at 10:00 and get ready for my other job and as I head downstairs I notice brown stains on the carpet. I am in a hurry for work so I don't really make a big deal about it. Girl is still on futon.

I come home from work to tis delightful conversation:

Roomie #1: Dude, did you hear what happened?
Me: No, I have been at work all day.
Roomie #2: Some girl [censored] on our carpet!
Me: What!? What the hell? Who?
Roomie #2: Whitney.
Me: The girl on the futon?
Roomie #2: Yeah. Check the trash can.
*checks trash can*
Me: Oh my god she [censored] in the trash can! Her nasty panties are in here too! How the [censored]. She had to walk past the bathroom to get in the to the trash.
Roomie #2's [censored] buddie: Yeah I remember waking up and walking downstairs for water and seeing that a girl squatting over the trash.
Me: How did you not say anything?
Roomie #2's [censored] buddie: I don't know. I was wasted.

EDIT: For a while we thought maybe Roomie #2's [censored] buddy was the pooer and she was covering for herself by blaming it on the girl crashing on the futon. I mean its really hard to imagine seeing a girl squatting over a trash can and not saying anything to the people living there. However, the girl on the futon admitted to her dirty deed readily when confronted that evening.

BRAG:

Being the enterprising young lad that I am I made a deal with poo girl that my roomates and myself would never speak of this again to anyone if she cleaned our apartment once a week from now till the entire end of the semester. I feel a little guilty about taking advantage of this poor girl who was obviously too wasted to know what the hell was going on but on the other SHE [censored] ON OUR CARPET AND IN THE TRASH CAN! She gets to save face too so its not really that bad of a deal for her.