Two Plus Two Newer Archives - Walk Straight you C&*^$^%*&^T!!!!!!!!

This is a story about lines.

Sportsmen know all about lines. They run them to get into menacing positions, taunt defences, deliberately collide with others and bust gaps.

Some sportsmen know more about white lines in the toilet. Just ask Robbie Fowler, Lawrence Dallaglio or Lance Armstrong.

This story is not about sports lines; it’s about pedestrian walking lines and lines in McDonalds.

Living in Hong Kong can be darned challenging at times. If you’re like me, these most challenging times mostly occur when you’re under the influence of a spectacular hangover. It’s during those times when things just seem so unbearable; when you hate your life, your job, your mum and Hong Kong.

“Get out of my [censored] way!!!!!!!!” you scream inside your head, as the clown in front of you meanders aimlessly along the footpath changing direction and pace without any apparent purpose. “Get off my [censored] line!!!!!!!!”

This purposeless walking technique, made famous in Hong Kong, is something I have never come to grips with. Oddly, in Taiwan, China, Singapore, Malaysia and any other country in the region, the folks don’t seem to have a problem with walking in a straight line and alertness to the actions of those around them. It’s only in Hong Kong that there is no respect and appreciation for the immediate five metres that we move within.

People will clamber out of busses, trams, shops and trains directly into busy pedestrian traffic and then scowl when somebody bumps into them. It’s always your fault. And don’t get me started on umbrellas.

But while we’re talking about umbrellas, you’ve gotta laugh don’t you? Bloody impossible! It’s an eye-threatening experience on a rainy day on those narrow footpaths. An old man poked me in the ear with his brolly in Happy Valley in 1998 so I crushed his umbrella in the gutter. He belted me in the ribs, and we left it at that.

Even odder is that driving in Hong Kong is not as perilous as most other countries in the world. Horn blasting aside, Hong Kong drivers are pretty bloody good. Give them a footpath and it all goes awry.

In my mind, the correct way to approach pedestrianism is that one must appreciate and respect the “established line” of others. If you are changing directions or pace, then it is YOU that must give way or priority to another that is already on a purposeful and fixed line - an established line.

You should not come blasting out of a shop onto someone’s line. Instead, you should pause at the exit of the store (tram, bus, mtr, etc), look left and right to scan the immediate flow of human traffic within a 5 metre radius and then join the flow seamlessly and slickly without interrupting any existing, established lines of fellow pavement occupiers. The world would be a better place.

Don’t start me about door opening courtesy. But while we’re on the subject, here’s another tip. When going through a self-closing door that opens towards you and when there’s clearly somebody behind you - rather than pry it open 10 centimetres and slip through, leaving it to close on the person behind you; why not open the door a little further and gesture for the follower to follow you through. Would that be too difficult? You might make more friends.

Escalators piss me off too. Try and decide what direction you’re going to take BEFORE you reach the bottom. Try also not to take an immediate sharp left or right and walk right across the path of folks boarding the upwards escalator. That is just plain rude. At the airport, the moving walkway is not some kind of amusement park ride (Seinfeld). It’s there to help you walk long distances quicker. It’s not there for you to simply stand idle, blocking the path with your [censored] oversized hand luggage. [censored]. But this happens in any city.

Queues at McDonalds are the worst when you’re hung-over. Here’s some tips for queuing at Maccas;

1. Try and decide what you’re going to order before you get to the front of the queue. That’s why they put those massive menus overhead.
2. Don’t get to the front of the queue and then ask what kind of food they have.
3. Don’t look at the overhead menu as if it’s the first [censored] time you’ve seen it. Everybody’s been to McDonalds before. The menu doesn’t change every week. It’s all [censored].
4. Don’t point at every item and ask “what’s inside it” or if it comes with a toy.
5. Don’t ask to look at all the toys so you can decide which one is the best
6. Don’t ring your colleagues back at the office and ask them if they want Fanta or Sprite with their McShit meal. There is a hungover, lawless person behind you clenching his teeth and fists.
7. Don’t have your four friends all join separate queues and see who can get their first so they can order for all four of you
8. Don’t take a table until you’ve got food. This is McDonalds. In the time it takes you to [censored] about in the queue and at the counter, several other people could have used your table that’s being reserved by granny and five bags on seats. Don’t panic – there will be a table for you.

And here’s some tips for the McD’s staff –

1. Don’t let students and insurance salespeople clutter up your tables doing homework and selling insurance plans when there are others with food that need a seat. Kick the [censored] out. They finished their small coke 2 hours ago. This is not an office or classroom.
2. Let the counter staff change $500 notes by themselves. They don’t need to call the manager, they can do it.
3. On the menu it says “smiles are free” – so how about a [censored] smile?
4. When I order a Big Mac, double cheeseburger, filet fish, large fries and large coke – don’t ask me if I want an apple pie.
5. No need to say “thankyoubyebyecomeagain” in one seamless breath.
6. In fact, no need to say “come again” at all. This isn’t Disneyland. It’s McDonalds and you know I’ll be back. Do you really think that by saying “come again” that it will have any impact at all on whether I will ever come back again? Do you really care? Because when I do come back, you never say “oh welcome back. So glad to see you again”
7. When I visit the same store every single morning and get served by the same person every single time, it wouldn’t hurt to show some recognition and not act as though it’s the first time you’ve ever seen me. I am 6 foot tall, blond and have a big nose. And you don’t need to say “come again”
8. Employ more retired and mentally challenged people – they’re the only ones that seem to enjoy working at McDonalds. And they do a far better job.
9. When you employ new staff, rather than give them a name badge that says “Trainer”, give them one that says “Trainee” or, better, just give them a badge with their [censored] name on it. I don’t need to know if they’re new or not.
10. “Big Mac wait 3 minute”. Nuff said.

But overall, Hong Kong is a great place.

I’m lovin’ it.

Boozer