Two Plus Two Newer Archives - The Greatest Movie Sub-Genre: Zombie Flicks

Spare me the "these movies don't have the thought-provoking sincerity of (pussy-ass movie such-and-such)" already. For those of us who love zombie movies we know that they are the only evidence of the existence of a loving god that has ever meant anything. Secretly, every zombie-flick lover longs to wake up to a zombie-infested world so that he or she might have the blessed opportunity to take up a baseball bat, crowbar, shotgun or steak knife and go kill some [censored] zombies. As is common knowledge cited in my sources from Wiki to Britannica to the Library of Congress, the only thing more badass than zombies is killing zombies. This point needs no discussion or debate.

I will hereby offer up a meager suggestion of some of the most killer and badass zombie movies that this good earth has graced me with the time to see. If I could choose between the world I live in now and a world filled with zombies and myself and a few survivors (obviously you need some survivors to outlast) I would rationally choose the zombie world. A world of zombies is better than this world in a number of respects. Firstly, zombies don't post in the politics forum. Zombies don't wear giant sunglasses or wear tube-tops when they're too fat to look hot in them. Zombies wear flannel shirts and jeans. They eat babies.

Here's what sucks about most people:
http://images.quizilla.com/H/H0/H0T/...173_preppy.jpg

Need I say more? No, I didn't think so. I think any rational and emotional human being would rather see people like this eaten by zombies. If zombies are not available to eat these people we can only hope that their heads explode such that the zombies may feed on their corpses before we wage our glorious, holy war against them.

Like this:
http://www.best-horror-movies.com/im...-explosion.jpg

Now wasn't that satisfying? Of course it was. But to get back to business: although it goes without saying that a zombie world far exceeds our current world in terms of awesomeness, badassness, beauty, love and majesty, there are still some who fear being eaten by zombies. My girlfriend, for example, loves horror movies but is actually afraid of zombies. I try to tell her (always with a forlorn look on my face while I scratch my nails across my wrists) that zombies don't even exist so she has nothing to fear. She can barely sit through 2 or 3 consecutive viewings of Severed - Forest of the Dead without being scared and nervous. As a student of zombies I am fully qualified to kill at least three or four dozen zombies with only the contents of the average American kitchen. I could easily protect her. Plus my zombie-killing-weapons finding skills are far superior to 99.999999% of living humans. Within 1 to 2 hours of a zombie infestation I could harness the power of a multiply-chainsaw-armed vehicle and several buckshot-loaded shotguns. Still, my girlfriend's hesitance to watch zombie movies with me suggests two things:

1) she is of weak moral fiber and is not worthy of my magnanimous love
2) she is a zombie

I realize at this point that some of you are still doubting my assertions that a zombie world is better than the present world. Let your doubts wash away.

http://www.best-horror-movies.com/im...-zombies-2.jpg

Yes. That would be so much cooler than a bunch of deuchebags with dyed hair-tips shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch hitting on fat white girls. So much cooler than poor people wearing sweatpants asking for change. The greatness of a zombie world is immeasurable.

I sense that you are doubting your worthiness to exist in the sheer awesomeness that is zombie world. You're right, you are not worthy even to be a lowly zombie who gets eaten by other zombies. Here is a brief list of the criteria needed to be badass enough to live in zombie world:

1) you must be me, since I am obviously the authority here
2) you must be him: http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia...ing_Rhames.JPG

Let me briefly comment on faux-zombie-flicks. "Rage" is not zombies. 28 Days Later, while a good movie, is not a zombie movie. Land of the Dead sucked too much to be a zombie movie. Also, that retarded dude who was in spawn negates any zombie content present in it. It is disbarred from zombie-movie-awesomeness.

This guy is a [censored] loser:http://img299.imageshack.us/img299/8499/lozaryi0.jpg

I realize that very few (if any) of you are worthy of the awesomeness of zombie movies. For the elite few among you, I ask you OOT:

What is the best zombie movie you have ever seen? Here is a poll to help you answer more correctly than your weak, flawed, non-zombie brains will otherwise allow you to do.