Since KKF such good advice....A short story I wrote...etc.
 

I actually wrote this a while ago, but out of the blue a friend asked me for another copy of it yesterday so I was editing it (are they ever really finished?) Anyways, would appreciate any and all criticisms (just or unjust).

This much metal has no right to be this high up.

Only a terrible beast could swallow up all these people and take them away from their homes. In the version I always heard, the whale never charged Jonas three hundred dollars and crammed him in coach. There are no urgent meetings that require defying gravity; there are no family holidays or long awaited vacations pressing us to retract sanity. It is simply a matter of eight-hundred thousand pounds having no business 30,000 feet above earth.

Every so often I open the shade and glance down trying to catch a glimpse of the towering metal pole that I am sure is holding us afloat. I could sooner rationalize a giant rope tethering us to earth’s solidarity propelling us outwards in some colossal centripetal device than buy into the hocus-pocus pseudo-physics of flying. I curse the Wrights, Bernoulli, Earhart, Boeing, Newton, the smiling stewardess serving drinks, and anyone or anything ever associated with the circumstances leading up to commercial flight.

I curse Amy for taking a marketing job in San Francisco.

I loosen my seatbelt and sink down further until my knees bump the chair in front of me. I curse our decision to try to “make things work,” and I curse the visible elbows of the man reclining his chair directly to my front. I envision two kinds of people in this world, those who recline their seats on an airplane and those who don’t have their head up their ass.

Thousands of feet in the air with nothing for miles in all directions and I need more space. I had it yesterday, lying on my couch, watching Road House; space from the faceless elbows; space from Amy.

I doubt the wisdom in expansion; I question multiple cities and dream up a sprawling metropolis where no matter what, Amy will always be just across town.

Eleven Million to one: the fantastic odds of dying in a plane crash, certainly not much rarer than the estimated odds of me making this transcontinental flight again.
I am not afraid of flying, at least not more so than say driving, swimming, crossing the street, needles, or any sized arthropod. I am, however, deathly afraid of heights. I repeat, I do not fear flying; I fear plummeting towards earth like a lawn dart (or alternately O-Town’s Career).

In physics, there is something called a safety margin. If a bridge is to hold 10 tons, then it is said to have a safety margin of ten if it can actually hold 100 tons. An airplane has a safety margin of 1.17. Figures begin flashing through my head: the lady at the gate with five suitcases and one child, the one third of all Americans classified as obese, the morbid behemoth slowly body checking me into the window, and the oversized carry on bag preventing the woman in the aisle from sealing the overhead compartment. Some quick mental math confirms that we have no business up here; all of us are going to die.

A lanky cowboy defies the fasten seat belt signs to help the woman close the overstuffed carry on compartment. A baby three rows back cries and is consoled, and the white knuckled businessman across the aisle loosens his tie apologizing for nearly frying his companion’s laptop with his fresh bloody mary.

I’ve never met anyone who died in a plane crash, nor have I ever heard of a plane that went down due to turbulence. Even though taking off scares the hell out of me, I was once told by a recreational pilot that the landing is the real killer. It’s before disembarking, deceptively close to the safety of earth, that you are facing the abyss.

Amy did this to me; she propelled me miles above earth. Sometimes I look for a sturdy structure or at least a rope that is surely holding us up. And I realize profoundly that an airplane that has crossed its safety margin is in no danger of crashing-It won’t make it off the ground.

Thanks in advance.


-JP

Re: Since KKF such good advice....A short story I wrote...etc.
 

Wow. Nice work pal. I might get rid of the O-Town reference, other than that it's really good. You have some talent.

Re: Since KKF such good advice....A short story I wrote...etc.
 

Awesome, JP. A beautiful style and vocabulary, with a nice flow that linked some word themes in there. My favorite was the graph focusing on the various kinds of space. Very well done.

I'm not sure the word "solidarity" is used correctly in the third graph. You're probably looking for something more like "sprawling mass."

I'm impressed. You've got skeewallz.

Re: Since KKF such good advice....A short story I wrote...etc.
 

I like it... though I think you're too eager to show off your vocabulary. It distracted me. Here, for example:

[ QUOTE ]
I could sooner rationalize a giant rope tethering us to earth’s solidarity propelling us outwards in some colossal centripetal device than buy into the hocus-pocus pseudo-physics of flying.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't really get why this paragraph is there. It sorta feels like the protagonist looks around and suddenly notices these things, but it's not really connected to the rest of the story.

[ QUOTE ]
A lanky cowboy defies the fasten seat belt signs to help the woman close the overstuffed carry on compartment. A baby three rows back cries and is consoled, and the white knuckled businessman across the aisle loosens his tie apologizing for nearly frying his companion’s laptop with his fresh bloody mary.

[/ QUOTE ]

However, the opening sentence is freaking genius:

[ QUOTE ]
This much metal has no right to be this high up.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm serious. That's brilliance right there.

Re: Since KKF such good advice....A short story I wrote...etc.
 

Great story, you have talent.

Re: Since KKF such good advice....A short story I wrote...etc. *DELETED*
 

Post deleted by samjjones

Re: Since KKF such good advice....A short story I wrote...etc.
 

[ QUOTE ]
Wow. Nice work pal. I might get rid of the O-Town reference, other than that it's really good. You have some talent.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thanks.

The O town thing was a joke for a friend of mine, its not really in the story.

-jP

Re: Since KKF such good advice....A short story I wrote...etc.
 

[ QUOTE ]
Awesome, JP. A beautiful style and vocabulary, with a nice flow that linked some word themes in there. My favorite was the graph focusing on the various kinds of space. Very well done.

I'm not sure the word "solidarity" is used correctly in the third graph. You're probably looking for something more like "sprawling mass."

I'm impressed. You've got skeewallz.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thanks.

Sol·i·dar·i·ty /ˌsɒlɪˈdær& #618;ti/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[sol-i-dar-i-tee] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
a Polish organization of independent trade unions founded in 1980: outlawed by the government of Poland in 1982.

I guess your right.

hrmmm but I like solidarity!!! ill think on it.

-JP

Re: Since KKF such good advice....A short story I wrote...etc.
 

[ QUOTE ]
I like it... though I think you're too eager to show off your vocabulary. It distracted me. Here, for example:

[ QUOTE ]
I could sooner rationalize a giant rope tethering us to earth’s solidarity propelling us outwards in some colossal centripetal device than buy into the hocus-pocus pseudo-physics of flying.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't really get why this paragraph is there. It sorta feels like the protagonist looks around and suddenly notices these things, but it's not really connected to the rest of the story.

[ QUOTE ]
A lanky cowboy defies the fasten seat belt signs to help the woman close the overstuffed carry on compartment. A baby three rows back cries and is consoled, and the white knuckled businessman across the aisle loosens his tie apologizing for nearly frying his companion’s laptop with his fresh bloody mary.

[/ QUOTE ]

However, the opening sentence is freaking genius:

[ QUOTE ]
This much metal has no right to be this high up.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm serious. That's brilliance right there.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think overall my vocab in this isnt too out of hand although I DEFINITELY have that tendancy. You are correct that that one sentence is tediously verbose (heheh). Maybe if I cut it to "I could sooner rationalize a giant rope tethering us to earth's ...[insert word for solidarity] than buy into the hocus-pocus psuedo-physics of flying. I felt propelled outwards as if in some colossal centripidal device. " or something. A sentence break is the idea. That or drop "propelling us outwards"

That paragraph about the cowboy etc is definitely a change of pace. Im willing to ditch it if need be but I wanted something to grip the reader momentarily out of the narrator's head and propel the story a bit. Plus it connects nicely from "were all going to die" to "Ive never met anyone who died in a plane crash" Almost connecting people I know are going to do to people I know who never did die.

Thanks for your advice.

Oh yah and "This much metal has no right to be this high up." I think this literally ever 2 minutes while on a plane. In reality, im not really scared of flying and have a pretty acceptable grasp on the physics, but that doesnt change the fact that it blows my f'n mind.

-jota pey



-JP

Re: Since KKF such good advice....A short story I wrote...etc.
 

[ QUOTE ]
There's always barber college.

[/ QUOTE ]

I read this post confused like 8 times till i realized who posted it.

unfortunately ive never actually watched enough of roadhouse to make the connection and was contemplating changing the reference to Point Break or at least to something remotely connected with the theme.

-JP