Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

Hopefully this will be a unique feel sorry for me story...

I suppose this will sound very awkward but I think I reached a point where I don't [censored] care and just want to see what everyone else has to say.

I think no one can rival my anger and rage at myself when I play poker. My rage has turned very severe the last couple months. Tonight it reached near epic proportions as I repeatedly beat my new laptop that I just got in the mail today at 10 in the morning into a corner of a wall for about ten good hits. The reason I got a new laptop was because exactly one week ago I obliterated my 6-month old machine with my bare fists and finished it off with a poker chip box holder right to the screen. Both laptops were bought for 1k. In the process of destroying my laptop last week I also destroyed my 1-month old 24 inch monitor accidentally as the poker chip box flew open and all the chips flew open and struck the bottom of the screen.

Also of late I have began to yell uncontrolably throughout my sessions. I now have to play with a pillow next to me to stuff in my mouth as to not get the cops called to my place as it probably sounds like I am getting stabbed repeatedly throughout the day.

In addition to this I have ripped numerous shirts in half, thrown a wine glass and a water bottle into a wall leaving holes that my friends get suspicious about. Last year I also broke 2 20" dells and another cheaper laptop.

I am seriously considering building some kind of enclosure around my laptop so that I cannot easily access the inside. I am also going to try to keep my old destroyed laptops close by so perhaps I can destroy them instead of the new one I am about to purchase right now.

What's weird is that I feel very good after I destroy something. I mean I felt phenomenal the second I destroyed my laptop after the ensuing -2500 dollar streak that happened in about 20 minutes at 2/4 and 3/6.

I actually had my best month ever last month and was having a very good day today until the last 100 hands.


Outside of anything competitive I am usually very easy going and don't get bothered by much. I give to charity more than most and do community service. I just have 0 control whenever I get bad beat or play bad.

Thoughts?

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

I'm no psychologist, so I apologize if I'm way off here.

It sounds to me like you have some sort of need to be in control of situations, and when things happen that you can't control you respond with rage against the physical things you can actually bend to your will.

Did you have super strict or overbearing parents or experience bullying when you were younger? Anything like that which could cause you to feel so powerless and have such a need to vent your frustrations physically and tangibly against your physical environment?

I don't know what to tell you honestly, except to say that your behavior is definitely not normal. Lots of people feel the rage and anger you are talking about - that's part of life and certainly part of poker for some - but being unable to control such destructive impulses strikes me as indicative of a serious emotional problem. Talking to a professional really could help you work out whatever is causing it and learn to deal w/ frustration better.

Good luck.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

Totally agree with the whole need to be in control issue.

I basically had 4 parents growing up with my grandparents living with us. I also was very spoiled and never really had many responsibilities as a kid.

I have also destroyed more than a dozen golf clubs.

I still feel somewhat confident that one day I will be able to detach my emotions from the game and be in control. Perhaps this is because I have done relatively well in the past and I believe I can easily get back to that state. For whatever reason the eruptions have really flared up this past couple months.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

I was going to say you shouldn't play poker but then I saw the golf clubs so now I don't know what to say. You should probably not do anything competative.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

What's changed in your life over the last few months?
Work?
Relationships?
Financially?
Legally?

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
Hopefully this will be a unique feel sorry for me story...

I suppose this will sound very awkward but I think I reached a point where I don't [censored] care and just want to see what everyone else has to say.

I think no one can rival my anger and rage at myself when I play poker. My rage has turned very severe the last couple months. Tonight it reached near epic proportions as I repeatedly beat my new laptop that I just got in the mail today at 10 in the morning into a corner of a wall for about ten good hits. The reason I got a new laptop was because exactly one week ago I obliterated my 6-month old machine with my bare fists and finished it off with a poker chip box holder right to the screen. Both laptops were bought for 1k. In the process of destroying my laptop last week I also destroyed my 1-month old 24 inch monitor accidentally as the poker chip box flew open and all the chips flew open and struck the bottom of the screen.

Also of late I have began to yell uncontrolably throughout my sessions. I now have to play with a pillow next to me to stuff in my mouth as to not get the cops called to my place as it probably sounds like I am getting stabbed repeatedly throughout the day.

In addition to this I have ripped numerous shirts in half, thrown a wine glass and a water bottle into a wall leaving holes that my friends get suspicious about. Last year I also broke 2 20" dells and another cheaper laptop.

I am seriously considering building some kind of enclosure around my laptop so that I cannot easily access the inside. I am also going to try to keep my old destroyed laptops close by so perhaps I can destroy them instead of the new one I am about to purchase right now.

What's weird is that I feel very good after I destroy something. I mean I felt phenomenal the second I destroyed my laptop after the ensuing -2500 dollar streak that happened in about 20 minutes at 2/4 and 3/6.

I actually had my best month ever last month and was having a very good day today until the last 100 hands.


Outside of anything competitive I am usually very easy going and don't get bothered by much. I give to charity more than most and do community service. I just have 0 control whenever I get bad beat or play bad.

Thoughts?

[/ QUOTE ]

Totally standard. I've busted two laptops. Have some soft stuff around you like stress balls or pillows so you can punch and throw against walls. I find a release of rage to be healthy psychologically and to help my poker game. You're a human being. You're meant to feel emotions. Just make sure it doesn't hurt your game by having an outlet. Smashing laptops gets expensive and time consuming having to set the [censored] up, so buy pillows or a punching bag.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

I suppose being an adult and accepting you need to practice self control is out of the question?

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
I suppose being an adult and accepting you need to practice self control is out of the question?

[/ QUOTE ]

If he wasn't able to accept that I doubt he would have made this post asking for help to begin with. This is psych, people are allowed to have problems here.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I suppose being an adult and accepting you need to practice self control is out of the question?

[/ QUOTE ]

If he wasn't able to accept that I doubt he would have made this post asking for help to begin with. This is psych, people are allowed to have problems here.

[/ QUOTE ]

And am I not allowed to point out the blindingly obvious?

Too many people are looking for answers elsewhere when the answer lies at your own doorstep. Take responsibility is all I'm saying. Too simple an answer eh!

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

I have to agree with Rek.