serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

I have no clue what to say. This is so [censored] up, she found out this morning and I just found out about it a few hours ago. He was 25, her oldest brother. I really don't know what to do or what to say to her. Any advice is appreciated. thanks.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

Unfortunately I've been in this type of situation too many times. You're best thing to do is just be there for your friend. I've seen people deal with this in many different ways... Getting hammered, Beating the [censored] out of something, Crying, Keeping it inside. I'd do my best to keep her away from the booze over the next few months though... A friend of mine committed suicide last spring, and about 6 weeks ago his sister finally became a drunken wreck and lost it... She was civilly committed to an institution and just recently got out. Let me know if there's anything I can help you with.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

I don't know if there is anything you can do or say for her. Just... be there.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
I don't know if there is anything you can do or say for her. Just... be there.

[/ QUOTE ]

qft

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

That sucks, just be there for your friend.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

Part of my struggles with the fact that she is like the sweetest nicest girl I know and all of a sudden this happens. The other part of me is angry because I don't understand suicide at all, I mean my biggest fear is death, I just have never understood why someone would do it to themselves. [censored]

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
I don't know if there is anything you can do or say for her. Just... be there.

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

This is very sad. COndolences to your friend. Be there for her and be sure to let her talk it out.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
Part of my struggles with the fact that she is like the sweetest nicest girl I know and all of a sudden this happens. The other part of me is angry because I don't understand suicide at all, I mean my biggest fear is death, I just have never understood why someone would do it to themselves. [censored]

[/ QUOTE ]

I feel you here, but do the nath thing with a healthy dose of stfu.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

I think having to listen to a million people tell you "Im so sorry" would be exhausting.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

If she's a really good friend, why would you need advice on this...

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
I think having to listen to a million people tell you "Im so sorry" would be exhausting.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yea I'm pretty sure everyone knows it sucks. But this is the first time something like this has happened to me so I figured some advice from people with similar experiences would be good. Thanks for your help.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

Well this may be a bad post, whatever. I just felt like getting it off my chest. Time to sleep it off. Any more ass hole comments are appreciated.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

My goodness, that is horrible. The "be there" advice is really all that can be said. There are many possible reactions to sudden deaths in general from rage to despair to self-destruction, so there cannot be any pat answer for you or for her. Just support her through this as you would through any other enormous tragedy.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
Part of my struggles with the fact that she is like the sweetest nicest girl I know and all of a sudden this happens. The other part of me is angry because I don't understand suicide at all, I mean my biggest fear is death, I just have never understood why someone would do it to themselves. [censored]

[/ QUOTE ]

google some stuff about suicide, I had to research some data for a paper once, found a lot of disturbing message boards/web sites by people who use the internet as their only means of expression/communicating their feelings.

at least for me, I sympathize with them, because its tough to really understand what they are going through internally.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

Anything along the lines of "That's really [censored] up; is there anything I can do?" is fine.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
Yea I'm pretty sure everyone knows it sucks. But this is the first time something like this has happened to me so I figured some advice from people with similar experiences would be good. Thanks for your help.

[/ QUOTE ]

i kinda dont understand how anything happened to you here...ive been in your situation once (not exactly because the girl whose brother killed himself wasnt as close to me as this girl seems to you) but I kinda just let her grieve alone for a while with family...then tried to be there to get things back to normal...weve never talked about it to this day

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
I have no clue what to say. This is so [censored] up, she found out this morning and I just found out about it a few hours ago. He was 25, her oldest brother. I really don't know what to do or what to say to her. Any advice is appreciated. thanks.

[/ QUOTE ]


The truth about the situation is that you know there were big problems in that person's life, of which a 95% chance that it had to do with their family, and thus the girl you are talking about has some issues (most likely unexplored issues), and now you are affraid to ask the questions that need to be asked. If you want to help someone, you *have* to open up the discussion about the core of the matter.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

are u by chance from indiana?

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
I don't know if there is anything you can do or say for her. Just... be there.

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
Anything along the lines of "That's really [censored] up; is there anything I can do?" is fine.

[/ QUOTE ]

Isnt saying "thats really [censored] up" going to make her feel a lot worse? Its pretty obv she knows it sucks, pointing it out seems counterproductive.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

offer sympathy sex

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
offer sympathy sex

[/ QUOTE ]

hahah i am going to hell for laughing at this.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

thinly veiled brag by OP to show that he does indeed have a friend who is female.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Anything along the lines of "That's really [censored] up; is there anything I can do?" is fine.

[/ QUOTE ]

Isnt saying "thats really [censored] up" going to make her feel a lot worse? Its pretty obv she knows it sucks, pointing it out seems counterproductive.

[/ QUOTE ]Yeah...I don't like that play at all.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

I know someone who said nothing in this type of situation and regretted it and later apologized about withdrawing b/c he didn't know what to do/say. His friend said that's what everyone did and he just wished someone was there to talk to...

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
I don't know if there is anything you can do or say for her. Just... be there.

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

There you go. Be there so she can talk to someone when she is ready!

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
The truth about the situation is that you know there were big problems in that person's life, of which a 95% chance that it had to do with their family, and thus the girl you are talking about has some issues (most likely unexplored issues), and now you are affraid to ask the questions that need to be asked. If you want to help someone, you *have* to open up the discussion about the core of the matter.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is not true at all. Also, if you aren't a professional you have no business playing amateur psychology sleuth. Everyone else is right, be there for your friend.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
The truth about the situation is that you know there were big problems in that person's life, of which a 95% chance that it had to do with their family, and thus the girl you are talking about has some issues (most likely unexplored issues), and now you are affraid to ask the questions that need to be asked. If you want to help someone, you *have* to open up the discussion about the core of the matter.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is not true at all. Also, if you aren't a professional you have no business playing amateur psychology sleuth. Everyone else is right, be there for your friend.

[/ QUOTE ]/cosign

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I have no clue what to say. This is so [censored] up, she found out this morning and I just found out about it a few hours ago. He was 25, her oldest brother. I really don't know what to do or what to say to her. Any advice is appreciated. thanks.

[/ QUOTE ]


The truth about the situation is that you know there were big problems in that person's life, of which a 95% chance that it had to do with their family, and thus the girl you are talking about has some issues (most likely unexplored issues), and now you are affraid to ask the questions that need to be asked. If you want to help someone, you *have* to open up the discussion about the core of the matter.

[/ QUOTE ]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I have no clue what to say. This is so [censored] up, she found out this morning and I just found out about it a few hours ago. He was 25, her oldest brother. I really don't know what to do or what to say to her. Any advice is appreciated. thanks.

[/ QUOTE ]


The truth about the situation is that you know there were big problems in that person's life, of which a 95% chance that it had to do with their family, and thus the girl you are talking about has some issues (most likely unexplored issues), and now you are affraid to ask the questions that need to be asked. If you want to help someone, you *have* to open up the discussion about the core of the matter.

[/ QUOTE ]

OP,

I'm not sure what you should do, but definitely ignore this guy.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Anything along the lines of "That's really [censored] up; is there anything I can do?" is fine.

[/ QUOTE ]

Isnt saying "thats really [censored] up" going to make her feel a lot worse? Its pretty obv she knows it sucks, pointing it out seems counterproductive.

[/ QUOTE ]

Maybe I overestimate people, but I think adults are capable of expressing "I am so sorry, anything I can do to help" without actually having to have the exact words written on their hand or a cheat sheet.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

Everyone reacts differently to these situations, but there are some little things you can do that are somewhat universal.

Bring over some food. When someone is grieving it's tough to do the little things like shopping, cooking or even bothering to eat. So coming over with some food and dining with her will make a difference.

Keep her active. You don't have to force her to do things she doesn't want to do, but keep up with the suggestions and gentle prodding.

Have her spend some time with little kids that don't know what happened. Tell some jokes, goof around a little now and then. Some laughter can be great therapy.

She'll want to talk about her brother and what happened, listen to what she has to say.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

Show up. Say "I'm so sorry" and if she wants a hug, hug her. Then don't say much at all, really. Comments like "This is so messed up" will just upset her more, but if she is making them, you can wordlessly agree.

If you knew her brother at all, try to remember some stories about him in case she starts talking about remembrances. Be prepared for your conversation with her to veer suddenly from her crying and saying how she can't believe this is happening, to joking about random stuff from last week, to her breaking down. Just go with it.

If you had a mutual friend, visit the girl with her. Call before you go and ask whether this is a good time to go, and if not, when a good time would be.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

my advice. yes, do the "i'm sorry, is there anything i can do for you?" thing. it's standard.

but because it's standard she probably realizes most people just say this without really meaning it. and yes you mean it in the sense that you'll go get [censored] up with her, or brign her soup or something, but most people who say this, say it cause it's standard and do the things cause they're expected.

give her time to process the stuff. then ask her if she wants to talk about it. and be sincere. most people can sense when you don't really want to talk about it, and most people dont' really want to talk about it.

i have tons of really really close friends, that i can talk about most anything about. but there are some things i can't because i can sense they don't want to.

no one likes to feel vulnerable.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

most of the advice here is good obviously, just a few things to add.

1. Dont say "I know how you feel" (you don't, its obv. but ive seen tons of people say it when they don't know what to say).

2. Suicide, unlike other tragic forms of death still has some stigma attached to it. Be sensitive to how the family is dealing with it. Many families even if it is undeniable will not openly acknowledge that this was how he died. So, be very careful when the subject of his death is broached in how you interact with her.

3. Many people will be there for the family in the immediate aftermath of his death. The hardest part will be the months (and years) ahead when people are going back to their everyday lives (as they should) and they are left with this tragedy. As a good friend those moments are as important as the upcoming weeks.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

I lost a family member to suicide last year.

My emphatic advice to you is to be there. By "be there" I mean, call her. Even if she doesn't call you back, call her. Invite her to do random, unimportant crap. You don't have to talk about it. Just be with her, contact her, whatever you do, DON'T avoid it because it's an uncomfortable situation. I will never forget how absolutely left out in the cold I felt from the reactions of some of my "good" friends. Also, this applies not only for now and this week but next week, and the next. Two months from now she will still be feeling awful and I PROMISE will appreciate efforts you make to spend time with her and check up on her. And let me reiterate - if she doesn't call you back, don't take it personally. And don't stop trying.

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I have no clue what to say. This is so [censored] up, she found out this morning and I just found out about it a few hours ago. He was 25, her oldest brother. I really don't know what to do or what to say to her. Any advice is appreciated. thanks.

[/ QUOTE ]


The truth about the situation is that you know there were big problems in that person's life, of which a 95% chance that it had to do with their family, and thus the girl you are talking about has some issues (most likely unexplored issues), and now you are affraid to ask the questions that need to be asked. If you want to help someone, you *have* to open up the discussion about the core of the matter.

[/ QUOTE ]



no. unless op is a psychologist he should not be the one asking these questions. trying to open up discussion about why he killed himself when she is still grieving seems like a horrible idea. if she wants to talk to him about it she will

edit: all he needs to do is be available.

the fact that you would suggest that is an indictment of your own arrogance and possibly a lack of empathy

Re: serious post: My really good friends brother just commited suicide
 

[ QUOTE ]
I think having to listen to a million people tell you "Im so sorry" would be exhausting.

[/ QUOTE ]
It is.

OP,
please pay attention to MLG's and FFK's posts, they are very good. Don't avoid the situation; honestly, it won't even matter if you do or say something dumb as long as she can tell your heart's in the right place and you're trying to help. If you really are that good of friends, just do what you've always done/what she would do for you.