Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

Fellow Loungers, please help me with a short short fiction piece that I have written. Since I'm looking for actual input, criticism, and recommendations of all kinds, I am posting this in the Lounge.

(Is this my first time starting a thread in here? Without checking, it might be, and wow to that. You've all been lucky so far :-p)

Anyway, a local paper is running a 'contest' for short stories of less than 200 words following one of three prompts. The prompt for this story is "involving a fortune cookie." It is open to lots of revision and a tentative title.

Please respond candidly, truthfulness is welcome. Though I ask if you say something is particularly weak, you offer some insight as to why or a potential solution. No "it blows" please. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

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Jackson's Fortune

Jackson’s teeth ripped through the plastic wrapper concealing the fortune cookie. He removed the hardened batter and cracked it open as he glanced across the room. His wife was taking her last mouthful of Chinese food and placing her napkin on the plate. Their baby daughter, Emily, was silently pushing a toy John Deere tractor back and forth on the carpet. Jackson crunched the first bite of his cookie and looked down at the fortune. “You will soon hear some pleasant news” said the (otherwise blank slip) (slip with a decorative outline of a fortune cookie background). He rolled his eyes and smirked to himself. As he did this, Emily suddenly garbled out “dada” loud enough for the entire room to hear.

Jackson, still smirking, looked up and saw that his wife was excited. Confused, his smirk dropped, eyebrows lowered, and his head tilted to the right. His wife quickly signed to him “She just said her first word! Dada!” Jackson’s eyebrows raised and his eyes got a soft glow in them. He shifted his gaze to Emily and his heart began to flutter. He glanced back at his wife and revealed to her the biggest grin she had seen on his face in seven months. He felt something in his hand and remembered the fortune. He looked down at it and then, smiling, silently nodded to himself.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

Please read the story before reading this post...

I wanted to add, but not in the OP. Because I want this to be something people consider after reading it. But I have been advised that the story might just be better off ending at the first paragraph. While this changes the story significantly, if the meaning behind the story is better if I cut it in half, so be it.

So please consider advice for both ways, full length and cut.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

I think it loses a lot of substance if you end it after the first paragraph. That said, it could end somewhere in the middle of the second paragraph, maybe after "...heart began to flutter."

I prefer "otherwise blank slip" to the alternative.

This sentence...

"His wife was taking her last mouthful of Chinese food and placing her napkin on the plate."

...might be more effective if you make it something like...

"His wife was finishing her last mouthful of food at Chin Lo's, placing her napkin on the plate." i.e., personalizing it with a place name or something, I think, brings the reader in better than "Chinese food," you know?

Good luck.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

a decent idea, but not very well-written, which shouldn't be so obvious in something this short.

basically, it all needs to be rewritten. here are a few pointers to start with:

the cookie isn't "concealed" by the wrapper

"hardened batter" is pointless substitution, technically inelegant variation

"Chinese food" is lame, use a specific dish

"toy John Deere tractor" awkward specificity, nix John Deere

change what the fortune says, unless his wife is a promiscuous girl

options in parentheses, neither

punctuation throughout

second paragraph is useless

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]
I think it loses a lot of substance if you end it after the first paragraph. That said, it could end somewhere in the middle of the second paragraph, maybe after "...heart began to flutter."

I prefer "otherwise blank slip" to the alternative.

This sentence...

"His wife was taking her last mouthful of Chinese food and placing her napkin on the plate."

...might be more effective if you make it something like...

"His wife was finishing her last mouthful of food at Chin Lo's, placing her napkin on the plate." i.e., personalizing it with a place name or something, I think, brings the reader in better than "Chinese food," you know?

Good luck.

[/ QUOTE ]

the story needs to end with a punch, not punch blah blah blah my heart fluttered.

john is correct that "Chinese food" sucks, but his suggestion is not good either.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

"the story needs to end with a punch, not punch blah blah blah my heart fluttered."

Yeah, but I think the punch is in learning he's deaf.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]
"the story needs to end with a punch, not punch blah blah blah my heart fluttered."

Yeah, but I think the punch is in learning he's deaf.

[/ QUOTE ]

nobody cares about jackson. the story doesn't care and the reader doesn't care.

edit: on second thought, i'm gonna go with john on this one. disregard my previous comments on this point. in fact, i am insisting that you keep that angle in there. anyone who says that "the second paragraph is useless" is an obvious moron.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]
nobody cares about jackson. the story doesn't care and the reader doesn't care.

edit: on second thought, i'm gonna go with john on this one. disregard my previous comments on this point. in fact, i am insisting that you keep that angle in there.

[/ QUOTE ]

Heh, I can go along with that. [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]
Heh, I can go along with that. [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

you, sir, know what you're talking about.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
"the story needs to end with a punch, not punch blah blah blah my heart fluttered."

Yeah, but I think the punch is in learning he's deaf.

[/ QUOTE ]

nobody cares about jackson. the story doesn't care and the reader doesn't care.

edit: on second thought, i'm gonna go with john on this one. disregard my previous comments on this point. in fact, i am insisting that you keep that angle in there. anyone who says that "the second paragraph is useless" is an obvious moron.

[/ QUOTE ]

You missed the punch on first read, didn't you rothko?... maybe it needs to be easier to catch...

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

i liked the story

im not a grammar nit so i dont know the answer to my question but can you do
(parentheses) (back to back parentheses)

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

Maybe it's just me but I have never considered opening a fortune cookie wrapper with my teeth. They are pretty easy to pull apart with your fingers. And yes, I'm talking about the plastic wrapping.

'hardened batter' doesn't work for my either. How about he just cracks it open?

No need to say his wife is eating Chinese food when you've already introduced the fortune cookie.

I was thinking the adverb "silently" was unnecessary, but perhaps it has some relation to the final paragraph.

I wouldn't use either of the parenthesi following the message. Keep it simple.
(and Shadowrun - I believe it's a choice - pick one)

Ok now the main thing. Like rothko, and I suppose the person who first made the recommendation to you, I too entirely missed the fact he was deaf on first read. I actually read 'signed' as 'signaled' and paid no attention. I thus thought the 2nd paragraph totally detracted from the story.

I guess you have 3 choices here.

1- dump the 2nd paragraph and change your intended message
2- revise the 2nd paragraph to make it more obvious
3- solicit more intelligent readers [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

btw I personally had no problem with "John Dere" but it might be because I have nephews who have had one.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

Yes: He thought (but only for a moment(disdaining any ordinary logic)). [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

Of course, you can kick cats, too, but I wouldn't do it.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

Look at this sentence:

[ QUOTE ]
Jackson’s eyebrows raised and his eyes got a soft glow in them.

[/ QUOTE ]


How about: "his eyes glowed." Avoid "got" by all means. You can add the "softly" if you feel you need it.

One final note: Plastic wrappers on fortune cookies don't "conceal" them, at least not the ones I've seen.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

Firstly, thanks folks.

Note: I submitted this entirely unedited for the moment. It is the rough rough draft. I did this because I didn't want to start changing things before getting some options out of it. So I don't feel TOO bad that "it sucks" [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] That said, here are some responses.

Haha, I forgot that I left that "choice" thing in there when I copied and pasted the story. Clarification: Yes, it is a choose one or the other, and the parenthesis aren't going to be there. It would just be put in the story non-parenthetically.

I agree that the Chinese thing is a lame generalization and should just be a specific meal. Granted. Additionally, with the wife, what I was really going for was to set a scene where she is .just. finishing her meal (napkin on the plate). Any ideas for a better way to do this other than "last mouthful of soggy fried rice and put the napkin on her plate?"

John Deere tractor I put in because I'm sort of from John Deere land. Lots and lots of kids end up with small John Deere toy tractors. I figured a two word detail would be beneficial at this point to bring local readers in a little more. Does that change the perspective any?

Rothko, what puncuation are you dissatisfied with?

Fyodor, I don't open it with anything but fingers, but I know a couple people who, for whatever reason, do it with their teeth instead. Maybe it's an unnecessary detail.
-Silently was put in to relate to the deaf aspect, yes. I used it once at the beginning (the tractor) and once at the end (his nodding...this one I thought reinforced him being deaf....)

All, thanks for the responses thus far, and obviously hoping for more.

The idea was to have a subtle revelation with some punch. Not necessarily and "a-ha!" moment, but something to turn the tide a little bit. I figured after the first paragraph, the readers wouldn't suspect he was deaf at all. However, apparently the reader doesn't suspect that he is deaf at all after the 2nd one? [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] Haha.

Should I try and end the story on the revelation that he is deaf? I felt that the chronology of the scene didn't work very well doing that, hence the extra sentences following where he is happy knowing that his daughter is uttering words (unlike himself, etc.) Should I make it a blunt obvious fact that he is deaf? I figured between "loud enough for the room to hear" and her "signing" that the reader would pick it up when he is "confused." But since I wrote it, of course I think it's obvious.

More feedback please? I want to get something in that damn contest paper and this is the only one I've written thus far.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]
Look at this sentence:

[ QUOTE ]
Jackson’s eyebrows raised and his eyes got a soft glow in them.

[/ QUOTE ]


How about: "his eyes glowed." Avoid "got" by all means. You can add the "softly" if you feel you need it.

One final note: Plastic wrappers on fortune cookies don't "conceal" them, at least not the ones I've seen.

[/ QUOTE ]

Both points duly noted. These and the hardened batter seem to be easy fixes given how much dislike there was. Fair enough.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]
Jackson, still smirking, looked up and saw that his wife was excited. Confused, his smirk dropped, eyebrows lowered, and his head tilted to the right.

[/ QUOTE ]

I feel like the structure of the second sentence here doesn't easily convey to the reader that Jackson is confused by his wife's excitement. If that is true, maybe fixing the sentence will help readers to understand that he is deaf (ie. why is he confused here?...sort of prepping the reader to look for signs?)

Maybe?


Edit: Also, laugh out loud at my last four sentences being so bush-league. He,he,he,he. I rule.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]
You missed the punch on first read, didn't you rothko?... maybe it needs to be easier to catch...

[/ QUOTE ]

yes, i didn't notice the word "signed" and had no idea jackson is deaf. when john mentioned that i was like, "huh, he is? oh, right, but who cares? that's just dumb and distracting."

however, with closer consideration, i likey. it adds to the "fortune" and his reaction. at first, the reader thinks jackson smirks at the message, because he's not superstitious, but then we learn that it's the word "hear" that provides the catalyst.

it doesn't need to necessarily be clearer that he is deaf. it's not solo's fault that some of us missed the word "signed" and any other clues. with short pieces like this it's okay and often better if the reader has to go back and reread it.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]
Note: I submitted this entirely unedited for the moment. It is the rough rough draft. I did this because I didn't want to start changing things before getting some options out of it.

[/ QUOTE ]

that's not really a good idea. it's not our job to write this thing for you. struggle with it, get it to where you feel good about it and then ask for input. this is one of the reasons that i hate responding to these things, because usually the piece needs a complete rewrite.

[ QUOTE ]
I agree that the Chinese thing is a lame generalization and should just be a specific meal. Granted. Additionally, with the wife, what I was really going for was to set a scene where she is .just. finishing her meal (napkin on the plate). Any ideas for a better way to do this other than "last mouthful of soggy fried rice and put the napkin on her plate?"

[/ QUOTE ]

this is an example of what i am talking about. we've let you know that "Chinese food" is lame. you're the author, fix it.

[ QUOTE ]
John Deere tractor I put in because I'm sort of from John Deere land. Lots and lots of kids end up with small John Deere toy tractors. I figured a two word detail would be beneficial at this point to bring local readers in a little more. Does that change the perspective any?

[/ QUOTE ]

the use of "John Deere" isn't the problem, rather the four words together, "toy John Deere tractor". it's too much. if you really want the brand, nix "toy" or "tractor".

[ QUOTE ]
Rothko, what puncuation are you dissatisfied with?

[/ QUOTE ]

rewrite and then i'll get nitty.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

Rothko,

The reason I submitted it for feedback prior to the rewrite and edit is because I overlooked some of the obvious stuff (like the Chinese food generalization). I might have noticed it during rewriting, but after reading it over a few times before posting it, I hadn't seen it. So there is something incredibly helpful about posting it now and then reposting it after I get some of the obvious feedback and rewriting it.

And thanks for the clarification about the John Deere thing. I understand what you're saying, and actually agree...though I worry the effect is lost by removing a word. So like the napkin/being done quandry, I will have to work on this during rewrite to convey more effectively what I mean.

Re grammar: For real? I tend to do all right with grammar and I'm surprised there is enough in there that it isn't a quick mention. I see a couple errors in what is posted above, but whatever. I'll fix those and then when I repose the rewrite we can have a discussion on prescriptive and descriptive if I'm lucky.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]
Rothko,

The reason I submitted it for feedback prior to the rewrite and edit is because I overlooked some of the obvious stuff (like the Chinese food generalization). I might have noticed it during rewriting, but after reading it over a few times before posting it, I hadn't seen it. So there is something incredibly helpful about posting it now and then reposting it after I get some of the obvious feedback and rewriting it.

[/ QUOTE ]

of course, it's helpful for you. the point is that you shouldn't really bring a "rough-rough draft" to us, as our help should be limited.

[ QUOTE ]
And thanks for the clarification about the John Deere thing. I understand what you're saying, and actually agree...though I worry the effect is lost by removing a word.

[/ QUOTE ]

the language should be smooth. you don't lose anything that you don't want to by making it flow better.

[ QUOTE ]
Re grammar: For real? I tend to do all right with grammar and I'm surprised there is enough in there that it isn't a quick mention. I see a couple errors in what is posted above, but whatever. I'll fix those and then when I repose the rewrite we can have a discussion on prescriptive and descriptive if I'm lucky.

[/ QUOTE ]

no, no, you were actually quite fine in this department, which is refreshing. often, people post stuff that doesn't even seem proofread.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

While this has served me greatly, Rothko is right about doing more close editing before submitting it. I guess my main problem is that I wanted to see what was appealing as it was and what wasn't.

What matters to me and what might get me as one of the "contest winners" vary. That all said, I'll repost a final-ish draft once I get done with it in a day or two.

Thanks for the advice so far guys.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

I think the twist is very clever. I'm feeling perplexed as to how to critique such ultrashort fiction, but the fact that this blurb extracted a smirk from me is certainly a good thing.

One line that has been bothering me:

"As he did this, Emily suddenly garbled out “dada” loud enough for the entire room to hear."

After this line, we learn Jackson is deaf and hence make the conclusion that despite Emily being so loud the "entire room" could hear, in fact Jackson did not hear. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Despite third party narration, we assume in a generality as such that everyone in the room heard the cry.

Being that it is from Jackson's POV, is Emily really silently playing with her toy, is Jackson really silently nodding... or is this all just allusion to the fact that he is deaf?

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]

Being that it is from Jackson's POV, is Emily really silently playing with her toy, is Jackson really silently nodding... or is this all just allusion to the fact that he is deaf?

[/ QUOTE ]

The latter...at least that was my hope. Lots of allusions toward the fact. Not that she or he was making noises and he just couldn't hear, but rather...just playing on the "theme" of silence. (I say theme somewhat lightly, as it is flash fiction).

I agree about the "everyone heard it" confusion. I spent a lot of time toying with that line and trying to think if there was a better way to take that segment of the story. There is definitely a conflict between the 3rd person narrative focusing on Jackson vs. Jackson's perspective.

In the end, I decided that it was going to stay roughly what it is right now. Like I said, for me, and ideally for my audience, the compelling aspect of this story is the rereadability.

In fact, I have decided that when I have people read this, my first judge of 'did I succeed with MY goal?' is if they immediately want to reread the story. For me and my goals, the intriguing part is how rich the story is with those aforementioned allusions and the realization that the story's opening changes meaning entirely once you realize that Jackson is deaf.

So, for that reason, I think that if the person is compelled to reread it and find the little nuances I added, then I feel like I have succeeded.

I realize that the story is not entirely polished and some have qualms with certain aspects (and I have edited it a fair amount at this point, I'll post in a day or two, as said)...I really like the piece right now. I find an incredible richness to the text, considering its length. And I know that the works of other authors that I like, a lot of times relies on MY recognitiion of richness. Whether or not it is really there, doesn't matter. And in the end, that is my hope here....that my readers find richness in it...maybe it won't have been intended, but IF their enjoyment matches my hopes...all the better.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

I agree with what others have said about spicing up/smoothing out the language a bit, and want to throw in my vote for ending it with this sentence:

"His wife quickly signed to him “She just said her first word! Dada!” "

And perhaps make it more abrupt if you can swing it.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

More abrupt in what manner? Having the closing revelation be that he was deaf and ending it there?

The two worries I have with your recommended ending spot are such: (1) The prompt for the contest is about a fortune cookie. The current ending really involves the fortune cookie in the story. (2) It loses some of its sappiness that I think some people (not most) would attach to a little bit. The idea that the deaf man is getting such great pride from his baby's first words that it reminds his wife of the birth. Shrug.

I know this needs more refining, but I'm getting there dangit!

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

Oh, and I'm a senior English major, fwiw. Beat: Only taking one creative writing class in my two years in the major. That is why I generally do very well with grammar and such, but poorer in conveying the ideas that I'm trying to get across.

Most of the time that I try to convey a point, it comes out like it is from a scholarly paper. Bleh.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

That's a good point about the sappiness actually. You have to consider your audience. To me what's interesting about this is the "he's deaf" trick, and the last few lines are pointless. But little old ladies reading it in a newspaper might be looking for something a lot different than me, so yeah go with your judgment on that.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

Dane, I do agree with you that it might make the deaf aspect more powerful. I truly do. As this thread evidenced, and from outside readers, only about half the people are even getting that he is deaf without being told. So maybe ending the piece with "She signed to him, blah blah" would make it more emphatic. But even then, if I take out the sappiness I would probably have to add something to make it more obvious he is deaf.

Something about the piece is making it really hit or miss about whether the reader sees the deaf part. And yeah, let's face it, that is the crux of the story. If you read this without realizing he is deaf (and then rereading) then the story is incredibly mediocre. There is nothing worthwhile to be found in it, in my opinion, without the deaf aspect.

So I really do see your point. But I do like the idea of a wider audience appeal as well. Most Loungers probably aren't going to read this and enjoy the sap. But there are tons of ladies, like you said, that might end up thinking it is a great story just because of that or something.

All in all, it is decisions like this...that I asked for counsel from the Loungers. I know these are ultimatley my decisions, but I want to get readers' opinions before I go with my final decision that I send into the contest.

Variance: Seriously, if the contest judges read this and don't pick up on the deaf part, there is no way in hell this gets published. Zero chance. I mean odds are it won't even if they do, but at least there would be a chance. Haha.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]
Like rothko, and I suppose the person who first made the recommendation to you, I too entirely missed the fact he was deaf on first read. I actually read 'signed' as 'signaled' and paid no attention. I thus thought the 2nd paragraph totally detracted from the story.



[/ QUOTE ]

Same here. When I first read your story I read "signed" as "signaled" and missed the fact that he was deaf which makes the story not quite as profound [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

I have two problems with this piece.

First, you are being almost too descriptive with the actions of the characters. Description is nice in stories, but when so many sentences in a paragraph describe a series of actions (especially personal body movements) it feels awkward to me.

"Jackson, still smirking, looked up and saw that his wife was excited. Confused, his smirk dropped, eyebrows lowered, and his head tilted to the right."

A little description is good but too much and it starts to sound forced.

Second, to me the story seems to be from the point of view of Jackson. So when the reader learns that Emily garbles out "Dada!" loud enough for everyone to hear, it's understandable we assume that Jackson has heard it. So then we go into the second paragraph and we are under the assumption he heard it so we naturally interpret the wife "signing" as her merely signaling. You have led your reader to think this by confusing the POV, imo.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

Bleh. It seems really obvious that most readers are passing over the fact that he is deaf. My contention to this is that a few people got it really easily. I think the story loses some of its effect if I make it any more blatent than "She signed to him." This is quite a dilemma for me, as I feel that I am changing the meaning behind the story by forcing it out so openly.

I am torn. I have until Friday to submit this, but the numbers are piling up of people who aren't getting it the first time through. It seems that I'm going to have to do something to make it more obvious, and if that means revealing lamely "he's deaf" then it might have to be. Bleh.

I understand your sentiment about the detailed movements katy. The entire story is describing actions. The reason for this is that the story started as me having the idea of 4 or 5 steps that would have to happen chronologically. So, the entire story is just described with action sequences.

I will look at trying to edit that a little, and those two sentences in particular maybe. The problem is that my rough rough rough draft (haha), the one I wrote before the OP, had detail and was written better. It was also 300 words, so I had to cut it down a lot. Because of the word constraint, I kept all of the action...unfortunately it is all action now.

I will try and look at these things. Hopefully I can find a balance.

Thanks for the response katy and others! Greatly appreciate it. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]

Second, to me the story seems to be from the point of view of Jackson. So when the reader learns that Emily garbles out "Dada!" loud enough for everyone to hear, it's understandable we assume that Jackson has heard it.

[/ QUOTE ]

Specifically, I used the phrase "loud enough for the room to hear" because then the reader should assume he heard it. Then him being confused should tip the reader off that something isn't right.

Shrug. I'm trying...

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

Second, to me the story seems to be from the point of view of Jackson. So when the reader learns that Emily garbles out "Dada!" loud enough for everyone to hear, it's understandable we assume that Jackson has heard it.

[/ QUOTE ]

Specifically, I used the phrase "loud enough for the room to hear" because then the reader should assume he heard it. Then him being confused should tip the reader off that something isn't right.

Shrug. I'm trying...

[/ QUOTE ]


It kind of just popped into my head that this sentence is the crutch. I think the reason that the sentence with the word 'signed' is being passed over is because of the sentence telling us the room heard. It is just setting us up for confusion.

My advice: hit us with the twist, or more deftly allude to it as soon as we learn the whole room should have heard something but Jackson didn't. The fact that we have to retrace to the last sentence of the first paragraph to realize he didn't hear it probably weakens the story and confused the POV perspective of Jackson, not good things. I'm curious how you can close the gap between just a few (2?) sentences.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

He rolled his eyes and smirked to himself. As he did this, Emily suddenly garbled out “dada” loud enough for the entire room to hear.

Jackson, still smirking, looked up and saw that his wife was excited. Why? Confused, his smirk dropped, eyebrows lowered, and his head tilted to the right. His wife quickly signed fluently to him “She just said her first word! Dada!”

----

The first might be a reach. But it's the best I have so far.
The second is a bit awkward because of the adverb barrage, but the idea is that it draws attention to "signed." The adverb barrage, in fact, draws attention to it. I don't think people will read it so quickly as 'signaled' with that....

Thoughts on the two ideas?

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

Maybe you could stress the "signing" part a bit by describing the actual motion she makes with her hands? Like, "his wife touched her fingers and her thumb together, then moved them in a circle, signing..." Perhaps something like this would draw closer attention to this critical sentence.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

Dane, agreed. But I'm two words under the limit right now. So it is hard to add that much to it. My first inclination was the same though. I just don't know how to add all the motions like that in a word or two...hence I stuck the adverb in.

Having a whole 20 minutes to look at this, I like the fluently (it makes it more obvious IMO..at least I hope). I don't much like the 'Why?' because it doesn't fit the theme of the story and makes it way too obvious.

I want it to be subtle, and maybe casual quick readings would miss the deaf part....but I really don't want it to be impossible or entirely obvious.


Again, let me thank all of you for bearing with me and giving input as we go along. It is as much The Lounge's piece as it is mine at this point. I just control the direction it goes [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

Actually, the word "fluently" seems awkward to me, partly because it seems redundant to call a deaf man's wife's sign language "fluent" (it sounds sort of like you're trying to congratulate her on her signing), and partly because I don't think fluent really fits the situation. Fluent means graceful and smooth, but here she's excited, so I would think her signing would probably be the opposite.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

[ QUOTE ]
He rolled his eyes and smirked to himself. As he did this, Emily suddenly garbled out “dada” loud enough for the entire room to hear.

Jackson, still smirking, looked up and saw that his wife was excited. Why? Confused, his smirk dropped, eyebrows lowered, and his head tilted to the right. His wife quickly signed fluently to him “She just said her first word! Dada!”

----

The first might be a reach. But it's the best I have so far.
The second is a bit awkward because of the adverb barrage, but the idea is that it draws attention to "signed." The adverb barrage, in fact, draws attention to it. I don't think people will read it so quickly as 'signaled' with that....

Thoughts on the two ideas?

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solo, neither idea is good. you are correct in what you are trying to accomplish with the second edit, but "signed fluently" is wrong. something as simple as "signed with her hands" emphasizes it just enough to help the reader pick up on it.

also, why are you using the word garbled? it's not right. you're trying to make the point that she said it loud enough for everyone to hear, but it's garbled? use a different word there.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

I used garbled because it seemed like a fitting word to describe a baby's first word. Perhaps it isn't the right word, but it seemed babyish to me.

And fair enough on the fluently thing. I'll have to work on something....I think I'm at 197 right now with fluently...so it will be hard to say "with her hands" maybe, but I will try and work something out.

Thanks for the feedback on the new ideas gents.

Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece
 

you've got lots of other stuff that can be cut. that part is the pivot, don't sacrifice it for other less important areas.