Two Plus Two Newer Archives - Beat: My New Years Eve

So all my friends are in New York for New Years. I have no friends back home. They invite me to go to new york to party with them. Obviously I have a bad day playing poker, lose 12k, and dont [censored] feel like doing anything, so I end up not going (poker is ruining my life btw). I sit at home and just down the case of Corona I bought a few days ago. My bro comes home later on with his friend and my cousin. They're all like 18, 19 years old (I'm 22). They start having some beers with me. My bro chugs with his friends and loses horribly. I call him a vag and challenge him to chug a cup of canadian whiskey with me. He loses again. A 6 pack and a cup of whiskey later, I'm obviously pretty hammered. My cousin is like "yo lets go to this party I hear they have a keg." So I'm like whatever and roll out to this random high school party (huge beat)

I get there and I'm easily the oldest dude there. Everyone's like "yo dude what's up" like they all know me but I dunno who the [censored] anyone is. Suddenly this one kid accosts me and is like "yo i heard you play poker. I played on stars once but it's so rigged man. Like I flop sets and lost like 3 times this one day so i quit!"

I have no patience for this obviously and I'm tanked so i jsut flat out tell him, "dude, you're a fuckign idiot if you think that. you probably just suck at poker" and i walk away.

There's no keg at this party and I feel like a huge toolshed for being there. I decide to just play beerpong and get tanked some more.

Sadly, we dont play beer pong at my school and I suck so I lose pretty handedly to these 2 high school chicks. They laugh at me. Naturally I walk over to their side, grab a few cups of beer, and dump it on said chicks' heads. Silence fills the room but nobody wants to say or do anything to the crazy old guy at the party so i just leave the room and go upstairs.

About an hour later, I'm hooking up with one girl i dumped beer on in the bathroom (treat 'em like dirt they'll stick to you like mud, kids). I later find out that said girl is a junior in high school (she told me she went to uvm). I am so dirty.

I run into her friend a little while later and she makes some snotty comment to me

oh no, this bitch is gonna get it

A short while later the ball finally drops. It's new years at last. I grab a bottle of champagne and hunt to snotty bitch girl. She's sitting on the couch giggling with her friends. I walk up to her with my champagne...

"HAPPY NEW YEARS, WOOOOOOOO"

I shake the bottle up good, pop the cork off while holding it in my crotch, and proceed to spray it all over her face, money shot style. She sits there in horror and gets drenched. Dear god what am i doing?

At this point things get a little hazy. I make out with another chick who happens to be <18 who is pissed at her boyfriend (who, unbeknownst to me, is actually at the party). Lots of people are angry at me. My friends drag me home...

I suck at life

-Moonshine