Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

Hopefully this will be a unique feel sorry for me story...

I suppose this will sound very awkward but I think I reached a point where I don't [censored] care and just want to see what everyone else has to say.

I think no one can rival my anger and rage at myself when I play poker. My rage has turned very severe the last couple months. Tonight it reached near epic proportions as I repeatedly beat my new laptop that I just got in the mail today at 10 in the morning into a corner of a wall for about ten good hits. The reason I got a new laptop was because exactly one week ago I obliterated my 6-month old machine with my bare fists and finished it off with a poker chip box holder right to the screen. Both laptops were bought for 1k. In the process of destroying my laptop last week I also destroyed my 1-month old 24 inch monitor accidentally as the poker chip box flew open and all the chips flew open and struck the bottom of the screen.

Also of late I have began to yell uncontrolably throughout my sessions. I now have to play with a pillow next to me to stuff in my mouth as to not get the cops called to my place as it probably sounds like I am getting stabbed repeatedly throughout the day.

In addition to this I have ripped numerous shirts in half, thrown a wine glass and a water bottle into a wall leaving holes that my friends get suspicious about. Last year I also broke 2 20" dells and another cheaper laptop.

I am seriously considering building some kind of enclosure around my laptop so that I cannot easily access the inside. I am also going to try to keep my old destroyed laptops close by so perhaps I can destroy them instead of the new one I am about to purchase right now.

What's weird is that I feel very good after I destroy something. I mean I felt phenomenal the second I destroyed my laptop after the ensuing -2500 dollar streak that happened in about 20 minutes at 2/4 and 3/6.

I actually had my best month ever last month and was having a very good day today until the last 100 hands.


Outside of anything competitive I am usually very easy going and don't get bothered by much. I give to charity more than most and do community service. I just have 0 control whenever I get bad beat or play bad.

Thoughts?

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

I'm no psychologist, so I apologize if I'm way off here.

It sounds to me like you have some sort of need to be in control of situations, and when things happen that you can't control you respond with rage against the physical things you can actually bend to your will.

Did you have super strict or overbearing parents or experience bullying when you were younger? Anything like that which could cause you to feel so powerless and have such a need to vent your frustrations physically and tangibly against your physical environment?

I don't know what to tell you honestly, except to say that your behavior is definitely not normal. Lots of people feel the rage and anger you are talking about - that's part of life and certainly part of poker for some - but being unable to control such destructive impulses strikes me as indicative of a serious emotional problem. Talking to a professional really could help you work out whatever is causing it and learn to deal w/ frustration better.

Good luck.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

Totally agree with the whole need to be in control issue.

I basically had 4 parents growing up with my grandparents living with us. I also was very spoiled and never really had many responsibilities as a kid.

I have also destroyed more than a dozen golf clubs.

I still feel somewhat confident that one day I will be able to detach my emotions from the game and be in control. Perhaps this is because I have done relatively well in the past and I believe I can easily get back to that state. For whatever reason the eruptions have really flared up this past couple months.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

I was going to say you shouldn't play poker but then I saw the golf clubs so now I don't know what to say. You should probably not do anything competative.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

What's changed in your life over the last few months?
Work?
Relationships?
Financially?
Legally?

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
Hopefully this will be a unique feel sorry for me story...

I suppose this will sound very awkward but I think I reached a point where I don't [censored] care and just want to see what everyone else has to say.

I think no one can rival my anger and rage at myself when I play poker. My rage has turned very severe the last couple months. Tonight it reached near epic proportions as I repeatedly beat my new laptop that I just got in the mail today at 10 in the morning into a corner of a wall for about ten good hits. The reason I got a new laptop was because exactly one week ago I obliterated my 6-month old machine with my bare fists and finished it off with a poker chip box holder right to the screen. Both laptops were bought for 1k. In the process of destroying my laptop last week I also destroyed my 1-month old 24 inch monitor accidentally as the poker chip box flew open and all the chips flew open and struck the bottom of the screen.

Also of late I have began to yell uncontrolably throughout my sessions. I now have to play with a pillow next to me to stuff in my mouth as to not get the cops called to my place as it probably sounds like I am getting stabbed repeatedly throughout the day.

In addition to this I have ripped numerous shirts in half, thrown a wine glass and a water bottle into a wall leaving holes that my friends get suspicious about. Last year I also broke 2 20" dells and another cheaper laptop.

I am seriously considering building some kind of enclosure around my laptop so that I cannot easily access the inside. I am also going to try to keep my old destroyed laptops close by so perhaps I can destroy them instead of the new one I am about to purchase right now.

What's weird is that I feel very good after I destroy something. I mean I felt phenomenal the second I destroyed my laptop after the ensuing -2500 dollar streak that happened in about 20 minutes at 2/4 and 3/6.

I actually had my best month ever last month and was having a very good day today until the last 100 hands.


Outside of anything competitive I am usually very easy going and don't get bothered by much. I give to charity more than most and do community service. I just have 0 control whenever I get bad beat or play bad.

Thoughts?

[/ QUOTE ]

Totally standard. I've busted two laptops. Have some soft stuff around you like stress balls or pillows so you can punch and throw against walls. I find a release of rage to be healthy psychologically and to help my poker game. You're a human being. You're meant to feel emotions. Just make sure it doesn't hurt your game by having an outlet. Smashing laptops gets expensive and time consuming having to set the [censored] up, so buy pillows or a punching bag.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

I suppose being an adult and accepting you need to practice self control is out of the question?

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
I suppose being an adult and accepting you need to practice self control is out of the question?

[/ QUOTE ]

If he wasn't able to accept that I doubt he would have made this post asking for help to begin with. This is psych, people are allowed to have problems here.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I suppose being an adult and accepting you need to practice self control is out of the question?

[/ QUOTE ]

If he wasn't able to accept that I doubt he would have made this post asking for help to begin with. This is psych, people are allowed to have problems here.

[/ QUOTE ]

And am I not allowed to point out the blindingly obvious?

Too many people are looking for answers elsewhere when the answer lies at your own doorstep. Take responsibility is all I'm saying. Too simple an answer eh!

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

I have to agree with Rek.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

perhaps you should try running as a sport before or after you play. it keeps me calm. always.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I suppose being an adult and accepting you need to practice self control is out of the question?

[/ QUOTE ]

If he wasn't able to accept that I doubt he would have made this post asking for help to begin with. This is psych, people are allowed to have problems here.

[/ QUOTE ]

Actually you are right I never have accepted the fact that I am in control and that it is me who is ultimately responsible for my own actions. I love to pass blame to something else, like bad luck or blame the fact that I was born this way and I am unchangeable. I say to my brother who lives with me and also plays poker that "you don't know how it feels to be me."

Another piece of the puzzle: My rage is much less severe when no one is in the house. I don't think I've damaged anything when alone. This holds true in golf as well. When I play by myself I generally stay fairly calm. My entire life I have had problems unmatched when it comes down to losing.

I actually think I know the right steps to get myself under control I just refuse to sit down and make a plan because of laziness.

I just really hate to think I no longer can do anything competitive because I erupt, but thats what its looking like. I really will try and not play poker until I come up with some semblance of a plan.


Thanks for all the advice.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
Another piece of the puzzle: My rage is much less severe when no one is in the house. I don't think I've damaged anything when alone.

[/ QUOTE ]

I would have expected the opposite. I don't believe in losing control. As far as I'm concerned it is a weakness. People are usually better able to control themselves in the presence of others. I can count the number of times that I've been upset in the last ten years on one hand but even those times I waited till I was alone before I let show.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

A simple bit of advice that helped me fwiw - don't root for cards to come. It'll just make you more emotional.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

"In addition to this I have ripped numerous shirts in half"
... hulk style rip?

and is this really self destructive? or you just destroying objects near you... I think you should just invest in things to break that arent your computer... like a punching bag

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

my first thought was that you shouldn't be online gambling period.

But that probably isn't doable so you need to drop down stakes immediately. You can't handle the swings and taking a 2 outer for stack.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
I'm no psychologist, so I apologize if I'm way off here.

It sounds to me like you have some sort of need to be in control of situations, and when things happen that you can't control you respond with rage against the physical things you can actually bend to your will.

Did you have super strict or overbearing parents or experience bullying when you were younger? Anything like that which could cause you to feel so powerless and have such a need to vent your frustrations physically and tangibly against your physical environment?

I don't know what to tell you honestly, except to say that your behavior is definitely not normal. Lots of people feel the rage and anger you are talking about - that's part of life and certainly part of poker for some - but being unable to control such destructive impulses strikes me as indicative of a serious emotional problem. Talking to a professional really could help you work out whatever is causing it and learn to deal w/ frustration better.

Good luck.

[/ QUOTE ]


this is so on point regarding my anger issues. My dad was just a big bully who controlled my every move. I remember one time he beat me up because I went home at 10pm on a friday night and I was 16 years old. He also had some control issue like forcing you to do stuff. I felt like a maid when I was living at my parents home. Im now having probably a mild-to sever depression because of this. I dont know how to deal with it. I have aches and pains which is a tell tale sign of drepression and I can become bipolar in a snap.

any good suggestion on how I can let this memories forgiven? My dad and I get along fine now but then again I dont live with them anymore.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

The first step would be to not blame others for you inability to have self-control.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
I'm no psychologist, so I apologize if I'm way off here.

It sounds to me like you have some sort of need to be in control of situations, and when things happen that you can't control you respond with rage against the physical things you can actually bend to your will.

Did you have super strict or overbearing parents or experience bullying when you were younger? Anything like that which could cause you to feel so powerless and have such a need to vent your frustrations physically and tangibly against your physical environment?

I don't know what to tell you honestly, except to say that your behavior is definitely not normal. Lots of people feel the rage and anger you are talking about - that's part of life and certainly part of poker for some - but being unable to control such destructive impulses strikes me as indicative of a serious emotional problem. Talking to a professional really could help you work out whatever is causing it and learn to deal w/ frustration better.

Good luck.

[/ QUOTE ]

Normally I hate this type of analysis, but here, good job. I am similar, except instead of being influenced by childhood factors, I am influenced by my last 4 years of college of everyone always having to be right on every damn point all the time. Except I don't get upset when I'm sucked out on really, I get upset when I feel like I made the wrong play and get sucked out on, even if I put my money in way ahead. This stems from my feeling that I should never show any weakness, ever, from my college days of needing to argue with pretentious, "upstanding" individuals all day, and only losing control when it is me that fails to prove a point (even if Im right, its being unable to demonstrate my side that puts me in a combatative state).

TO analogize it a little better, when someone sucks out, a lot of people tilt b/c of that- similar to how when people are trying to prove a point and someone is being bullheaded and doesn't listen, i.e. in both situations people are being influenced by factors out of their control. However in my case, when someone sucks out, or someone just isn't listening, it doesn't usually upset or anger me (unless its really really bad), unless in some way I see it as my own fault for the situation occuring. This is good usually for tilt control, until I question or doubt myself, wherein then when they suck out I will feel I did something wrong.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I suppose being an adult and accepting you need to practice self control is out of the question?

[/ QUOTE ]

If he wasn't able to accept that I doubt he would have made this post asking for help to begin with. This is psych, people are allowed to have problems here.

[/ QUOTE ]

Actually you are right I never have accepted the fact that I am in control and that it is me who is ultimately responsible for my own actions. I love to pass blame to something else, like bad luck or blame the fact that I was born this way and I am unchangeable. I say to my brother who lives with me and also plays poker that "you don't know how it feels to be me."

Another piece of the puzzle: My rage is much less severe when no one is in the house. I don't think I've damaged anything when alone. This holds true in golf as well. When I play by myself I generally stay fairly calm. My entire life I have had problems unmatched when it comes down to losing.

I actually think I know the right steps to get myself under control I just refuse to sit down and make a plan because of laziness.

I just really hate to think I no longer can do anything competitive because I erupt, but thats what its looking like. I really will try and not play poker until I come up with some semblance of a plan.


Thanks for all the advice.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm impressed Greek - I thought you would reply negatively.

So many people are looking for reasons why they are like they are. Whatever the reason (dad beat me up, mum didn't love me, big sister dressed me in girls clothes, uncle did bad things to me, school bully stabed me with pencils......) you do not have to let it dictate the future.

Put the past where it belongs - don't let it affect how you react from today. You can't change what has gone, but you own the future.

Good luck - take control, only you can do it.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

dude i dont have much advice but i just wanted to say i totally understand how you feel about all the yelling and destroying. not that i destroy things but whenever i played online, i did do a lot of yelling when some crazy bad beats occurred. thing is, for people like you and me, i dont think online poker is the answer. there is so much going on in online poker that those bad beats and bad streaks are inevitable. i suggest you stick to live poker. i banned myself from online poker because of all those emotions i felt sitting behind a computer. in a live game, i never show that i'm upset because that's not the kind of person i am in real person. but when you're alone behind a computer, you let yourself loose because you can and no one will see it. so my advice to you, try playing live because i feel your pain and the online bad beats will keep happening. plus there are less bad beats in a live game i think. not many fish to the river if you make the right plays. trust me. they all have this sense of pride not to be considered a fish but behind a computer no one really cares.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
because that's not the kind of person i am

[/ QUOTE ]

Me neither, and since I've started playing real money I've thrown things several times. People I know would be SHOCKED. I'm kind of the quiet type. I haven't destroyed anything though. I can't afford to be tearing up my stuff.

OP I empathize.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

I think the advice to start some kind of exercise routine or get a punching bag is solid. I used to have major anger problems when I was a teenager, punching holes in walls, breaking things, etc. I started doing Tae Kwon Do and it really helped me relieve the tension and learn self control.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

Standard, one time I accidently stabbed my cat 48 times when some donk hit a 16 outer on me with two cards to come. If you've never completely obliterated your house playing internet poker you're probably a sociopath and should see a psychologist, NOT ME BITCH, im how you should be.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

Greek,

You're obviously struggling with many things in life. This is a very bad time for you to play poker. You should seek professional help, maybe get on some sort of medication and start dealing with all your problems. Sort it out before even thinking playing poker semi-seriously, concentrating on poker right now is probably very bad for your mental health.

If you feel like you really have to play and/or want to hone your skills, drop down several levels so you're 110% in your comfort zone, and read books & study your play a lot to keep yourself occupied.

Conclusion: poker = bad

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

Psych: I'd encourage you to seek couselling. I know it's hard to admit you need help even to yourself sometimes, but please consider.

On the practical side: Why don't you get insurance? I have a job where I have to carry my laptop to places that if it's dropped it has zero chance of survival, plus I have children. So when I bought my laptop I got a complete replacement policy for about 200bucks. Regardless of cause, even if my kids pour soda in it and then I drop it from a helicopter, it's replaced for free [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
Psych: I'd encourage you to seek couselling. I know it's hard to admit you need help even to yourself sometimes, but please consider.

On the practical side: Why don't you get insurance? I have a job where I have to carry my laptop to places that if it's dropped it has zero chance of survival, plus I have children. So when I bought my laptop I got a complete replacement policy for about 200bucks. Regardless of cause, even if my kids pour soda in it and then I drop it from a helicopter, it's replaced for free [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

Two absolutlyfuckingbrilliant ideas there!

I live with my oldies, so have learnt 2 be very quiet, as then i can play all night, etc.

My best advice is not too get too happy when you win!

Why? well, poker is the ups and downs, and we all get on the happy and sad side of variance. Im on the neg side at the moment, capped off by getting it all in (and of course losing) with bottom set vs top pair to bubble out of a sat seat.

If you allow yourself to get up, happy and high when the cards fall your way, your thinking changes, and thus, your game as well. So, we prolly arnt playing our A game, but a B-, which is not good.

Then, when we go down, we tend to link the results with our level of happiness, and feelings of inadequacy, then horrid tilt can rear its head.

But, i find, if i just try and stay level headed when I am up, really up, or sideways, i can really play my A or B+ game when i am tilted, instead of my D-game.

Its kinda like the 'dont be results orientated' bullshiiit you continually see throughout the forums. You just have to be good enough, and have the bankroll for the stakes you are playing.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

OP, you are just plain nuts. a whacko.

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

[ QUOTE ]
Thoughts?

[/ QUOTE ]

None of what you've described anger wise matters much if you are a winning player. (and can afford to replace destroyed laptops and the like). If you are a losing player you should either quit playing or seek professional help.

Anger at inanimate objects is good unless of course you bust your knuckles or forehead or something. Those things could really hurt.

pokervintage

Re: Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice
 

1) I'm glad that there is online poker. I'd hate to play with you in a card room.

2) You have some anger management issues for which you should seek professional counseling. Even if this behavior is confined to poker and bad beats now, I'm sure that over time you will break something or hurt someone in some other context that will leave you or someone else injured or dead.

3) If there were no bad beats in poker (variance), then it would be chess. And fewer people would play. And you'd make less money in the long run.