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post a joke
let's do it again.... post a joke. it can be cheesy, dirty, offensive, or (preferably) all three.
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Re: post a joke
Three guys are walking down the street. Two of them walk into a bar, the third ducks.
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[ QUOTE ]
let's do it again.... post a joke. it can be cheesy, dirty, offensive, or (preferably) all three. [/ QUOTE ] How do you get a witch pregnant? You [censored] her. |
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3 Tomato.................ketchup
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Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
They fall through the holes in his hands. |
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Why do women fake orgasms?
Cause they think we care. RB |
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[ QUOTE ]
Why do women fake orgasms? Cause they think we care. RB [/ QUOTE ] I prefer this joke as: How can you tell when a woman has an orgasm? . . . Who cares! |
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Woman goes in for plastic surgery and comes out with no ears. She wanted her love handles removed.
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What's the best part about sleeping with twenty-nine year olds?
There's 20 of them |
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night? Crib death. Why do jews have such large noses? Air is free. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img] |
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A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?” the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing." |
Re: post a joke
good one illinilou
How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowblower? . . . . Give the bitch a shovel |
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A nurse says to the doctor "Do you realize youre writing that prescription with a rectal thermometer?" The doctor says "Yeah....Some a-hole has my pen".
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a [censored] on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. |
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A priest, a rabbi and a black guy walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?" |
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A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a Bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says,"Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night. The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the Bottle.
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<anti-semetic>
What happens when a jewish guy with an erection walks into a wall?? He breaks his nose! </anti-semetic> |
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What do you get if you cross a [censored] with a [censored]?
Custard. |
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A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks for a tattoo of a salmon on his penis.
Tattoo guy: "Wow thats gonna hurt, why do you want a salmon on your penis?" Guy: "My wifes catholic, she wont take meat on a friday" |
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What's the difference between a priest and acne?
acne doesnt come on your face until you're twelve. |
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How can you tell if your roommate's gay?
His d*ck tastes like sh*t. |
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A guy is driving across the Golden Gate Bridge. He's dressed like crap, hair is messy, but he's got a really sweet car. He's speeding, and a cop pulls him over.
The cop tells him he was going a little over the speed limit and he's going to write up a ticket. As the cop is writing up the ticket, he takes a good look at the guy and the car and says "Wow, it doesn't look like you can afford this car...what do you do for a living?" The guy replies "I'm an a$$hole stretcher." The cop is obviously confused and looks at the guy like he's nuts. "What exactly does an a$$hole stretcher do?" the cop asks. "Well, I stretch a$$holes. I start by sticking one or two fingers in, and then work my way until I have a whole fist in. From there, I stick my arm in and strech the a$$hole till it's about 6 feet big." The cop is even more confused. "What would you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" "Give it a badge and tell it to pull over speeders on the Golden Gate Bridge." |
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What do you get when you cross n Agnostic with a Dyslexic Insomniac?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog. |
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Why do brides wear white?
'cause the diswasher should match the fridge |
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How do you get 24 jews in a car?
In the ashtray. |
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Why are women's feet smaller than men's?
It's a genetic thing that allows them to stand closer to the sink... |
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A baby harp seal walks into a club...
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Did you hear about the dyslexic rock star who partied too hard?
He choked on his own Vimto (Vimto is a drink in the UK, ingore this if it isn't one anywhere else) Why did the dyslexic hate Christmas? Cos he heard Satan came down the chimney. |
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What happens when [censored] does [censored] and [censored] goes [censored]?
[censored]! |
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[ QUOTE ]
What happens when [censored] does [censored] and [censored] goes [censored]? [censored]! [/ QUOTE ] The Aristocrats? |
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what's the best part about having sex with a four year old?
hearing the pelvis crack |
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a grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
and the grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?!?" |
Re: post a joke
[ QUOTE ]
What happens when [censored] does [censored] and [censored] goes [censored]? [censored]! [/ QUOTE ] I [censored] love that [censored] [censored]! How about this [censored]-- How [censored] long does a [censored][censored] have to [censored][censored] before the [censored][censored]? [censored] |
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[ QUOTE ]
http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/9648/551347462ec.gif [/ QUOTE ] This is better with sound. Or in person I bet; my friend was actually there and he said these guys got a standing-O. |
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb??
(wait for it... wait for it...) None. Everyone knows Feminists can't change anything. |
Re: post a joke
[ QUOTE ]
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a [censored] on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. [/ QUOTE ] This is the worst joke ever. There's no punchline. I can't imagine telling this to someone. I liked your other effort in this thread, however. -McGee |
Re: post a joke
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance" Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them. Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance? A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!" Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum? A: An elephant is grey. Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance? A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind) Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge? 1. Open door. 2. Insert elephant. 3. Close door. Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge? 1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Insert giraffe. 4. Close door. Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one? A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge. |
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Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk A hooker went in for an appendectomy but the doctor sewed up the wrong hole. Since then she's been forced to make money on the side. There once was a young man from Kent Whose dick was so long that it bent. To save him the trouble He put it in double and instead of coming, he went. Q: What's the difference between mashed potatos and pea soup? A: Anyone can mash potatos. A friend who's in liquor production Owns a still of astounding construction The alcohol boils Through old magnet coils She says that it's proof by induction. |
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