Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

Let me preface this by saying that, as a dealer, I feel my job is to shut up and deal, appropriate to the level and game. My goal is not to antagonize, but to assist.

That said, what are some effective (or at least amusing) responses to problem players/situations? I'm hoping fellow dealers will help me out here, as I'm a better writer than quick-witted orator... feed my stockpile, as it were.

What prompted this was this morning I was dealing to someone who kept talking about the board. When asked pointedly not to, he said, "all I'm doing is saying there was a straight and now there's a full house." Yes, exactly right, that's what you're doing, that's the problem.

Anyway, right after that and right before I had the floor come over to explain it to him, he said one of those "I've been playing longer than you've been alive" type of comments, which I ignored. Five minutes too late, I thought: "I'd have thought in all that time you'd have learned to behave like an adult."

The table also didn't like this guy, so I think that'd have helped a lot (or at least gotten me a talking-to by my boss), so I gotta remember it for the future. Anyone have other situations/comments they've seen or would like to? How well did it work to actually diffuse the situation?

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

Something I say sometimes when I'm sure I won't offend anybody when people get all "ooh, if only he had had a pocket pair and you had a better kicker and another ace fell, it'd have been a jackpot!" and keep going on about it:

If my sister had a dick she'd be my brother.

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

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I'd have thought in all that time you'd have learned to behave like an adult."

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BAAAAaaad plan for a dealer to get lippy. I understand letting fly in the heat of the moment, but if a player takes offense you could easily get reported for it. Dealers are supposed to remain professional. PLAYERS...now we get to do verbal battle with each other (up to some hopefully pre-blow-up limit).

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If my sister had a dick she'd be my brother.

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Another example of something any player could say and get away with, but if said by an employee could generate paper reports. Probably a one in a hundred shot some chick at the next table will hear it and be offended and care to report it, but just not a good plan for job longevity (though it may add to job satisfaction for the duration).

If you want to move beyond simple professional responses, you need to be aiming for clever, cute, clean, funny quips that are not insulting.

Sucks to sit in the box and have to put up with crap, but that's a sad part of the job.

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

I definately agree Bav, but I'm looking forward to seeing what people have in their arsenal for when I'm sitting at the table with one of these types.

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

funny this subject came up, as i was playing in a MTT this past weekend where the dealer at my table kept doing the same thing. this guy was really good at dealing, following the action, and generally keeping the game flowing very efficiently. unfortunately, he kept commenting on the board. for example, flop is 67T, he would say, who has the 89. i tried to get him to stop by subtly saying things like; "easy there" or "be carefull", but it didn't stop him.
any way, at the first break i take him aside and tell him i thought he was a very good dealer but he needed to watch his comments about the board, as he might be giving out to much info. his only response, "most of these players are too dumb to know what i was talking about."

i just had to walk away.....

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

Agreed, bav, which is why I'm not on high alert to think of witty put-downs. At the same time, at the micro-limits, it surprises me how some of the obnoxious people will get right in line and even start being friendly and tipping well if you talk down to them and put them in their place. Some kind of masochistic thing. I've only had to really scold and borderline insult someone a couple of times, and I felt very weird and dirty doing it, especially when they got all sugar and spice afterwards. Helllooooo childhood issues. I can't imagine EVER saying anything like that to a player at anything above 3/6, and even at that level I don't want to do it. Also why I'm asking for better responses to things, as mine aren't so good. I'm hoping to get a dealer venting thing going on, too. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

As to the sister line... I've only softly muttered it twice. Tho' keep in mind we have dealers who outright swear at players, so there's some context here. But c'mon, it's funny! Sadly, I didn't make it up.

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

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Something I say sometimes when I'm sure I won't offend anybody when people get all "ooh, if only he had had a pocket pair and you had a better kicker and another ace fell, it'd have been a jackpot!" and keep going on about it:

If I had a sister and she had a dick she'd be my brother.

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I'm not a dealer - but as a player I'd appreciate it if a dealer did say that (either yours or mine). F**k 'em if they can't take a joke.

The first one wasn't funny enough to take a chance with though...

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

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At the same time, at the micro-limits, it surprises me how some of the obnoxious people will get right in line and even start being friendly and tipping well if you talk down to them and put them in their place.

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ok. You're a big boy. But I've heard a couple tales of dealers who thought they had a read on a table and thought they could get away with something who found themselves with a writeup in their personnel folders. And I've seen a lot of close calls where the floor or fellow players managed to talk a player down. So tread lightly.

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F**k 'em if they can't take a joke.

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An excellent personal philosophy. Which doesn't work AT ALL in very many places of employment.

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

In a MTT...

Guy in seat 3, ALWAYS asks "How much is it?" and then sits there for a god awful long time before acting either way on any AI or any raise other than a mini raise.

The dealer is frustrated, hell we are all frustrated at this tard. The guy in the 4 seat, which is about 3 times the size of the guy the 3 seat is really getting frustrated...

Seat 1 goes AI for (1) yellow chip, (3) blue chips, and (2) black chips...

Seat 3: "How much is it?"

Seat 4: "If you could count you would know!"

Seat 3: "I CAN COUNT!"

Seat 4: "So you cant do simple math then..."

Seat 3: "YES I CAN!"

Seat 5(me): "So you are one of these guys that cant walk and chew gum at the same time then..."

Whole table: Silence...

Whole table 5 seconds later: Giggles to rowdy laughter!

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

Best one I ever heard happened at the next table over. I'm certain that the dealer deliberately spoke loudly enough to be heard at the next table over. This was the first week the MGM Grand was open:

"Sir, please don't throw the cards. We don't do that here."

I looked up and saw that the dealer had stopped the action, placed his hand on the table in front of the offending player, and was leaning across the table to deliver the message as face-to-face as possible.

You had to hear the guy say the word "here" to get the full context. The way it was spoken, the word "here" was an entire paragraph:

"Look, pal, I don't know where you usually play. And I don't know what kind of disruptive nonsense that place allows to occur at the tables. But right now, you're sitting in a place that has some class, so get with the program. Do I make myself clear?"

This was what, 10-15 years ago? I still remember it word for word. It was that awesome.

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

When you bust someone, (Preferably in a tourney, but it works in cash too - particularly if they're not gonna rebuy.) and they start trashing you, a la 'I can't believe you called with A9, you fish!' or whatever. The best reply, in a normal, quietish voice, and not directed at the offender....

"I hear dead people."

Guarenteed to get the whole table laughing at the guy.

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

Haha, that's fabulous. Here on the coast, we don't have the luxury of a cardroom in every building, so we have to allow players to get away with a lot more.

A friend who dealt at a now-blowed-up casino says his old brush used to say this about players who caused problems: "If they don't want to play poker, fk 'em, deal around them."

And, y'know, dealing somebody out for a hand REALLY works. I've only done it twice, because it's so completely against our rules, and I get a lot of crap from above (with all sorts of slippery slope arguments about why we can't do that with notoriously problem players getting out of line again)... but I tell ya, denying an addict his fix is a wonderful way to simply, efficiently, and quietly calm a situation. That is, if the room backs the dealers making that judgment. It works a lot better than, "don't do that, or I'll tell you not to do that again." Our players know we're powerless and that the floor is unwilling to kick them out.

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

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If my sister had a dick she'd be my brother.

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Love it!! I'll have to remember that one. Even if used against me, I'd love it. Unfortunately, not everyone appreciates a good whiticism and I can see the morons complainng to management. Stupid people don't like it when their stupidity is made obvious.

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

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If my sister had a dick she'd be my brother.

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Love it!! I'll have to remember that one. Even if used against me, I'd love it.

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I always heard it as "If my Aunt had balls, she'd be my Uncle."

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

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If my sister had a dick she'd be my brother.

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Love it!! I'll have to remember that one. Even if used against me, I'd love it.

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I always heard it as "If my Aunt had balls, she'd be my Uncle."

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Yes, thank you.

Saw a t-shirt the other day that read "I am that man from Nantucket."

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

Here's one the players can use:

To the whiny guy at the table who's been complaining about how he can't get any cards, he can't win a hand, the flop never hits him, he's losing so much money etc, etc...


'I'll get you a phone so you can call someone who cares.'

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

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Here's one the players can use:

To the whiny guy at the table who's been complaining about how he can't get any cards, he can't win a hand, the flop never hits him, he's losing so much money etc, etc...


'I'll get you a phone so you can call someone who cares.'

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Howard in the old days of pay phones we'd toss the guy a dime and tell him to call someone who cares. With inflation the joke has now become too expensive. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Jimbo

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

Totally random here....

BEST dealer I have EVER had was at the Borgat in AC. I don't remember his name...someone may know it. Black guy with a messed up thumb...he makes jokes about it a lot.

Anyway, EXCELLENT dealer, follows the action to perfection and his personality has to net him TONS in tokes. Every time I have him as a dealer he gets tips for his jokes as well as his dealing.

Someone help me out with his name...

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

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Anyway, right after that and right before I had the floor come over to explain it to him, he said one of those "I've been playing longer than you've been alive" type of comments, which I ignored. Five minutes too late, I thought: "I'd have thought in all that time you'd have learned to behave like an adult."

The table also didn't like this guy, so I think that'd have helped a lot (or at least gotten me a talking-to by my boss), so I gotta remember it for the future. Anyone have other situations/comments they've seen or would like to? How well did it work to actually diffuse the situation?

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I think you're just screwed here. From your other posts I think you deal on the Gulf Coast? Old southern white guys just don't respond well to "whippersnappers" telling them what to do, right or wrong. I don't think I've ever seen this situation work out well from a player perspective since the old guys who blow this kind of smoke are always donators. From a dealer perspective, I suppose getting the guy 86'd might work if the players don't get pissed about you running off a donator.

Hopefully the players carry the dipstick's toke weight when you run into this BS through no fault of your own. I know the BR and NO regulars do at 2/5 and above.

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

Forever ago I made a similar post in the Psychology forum, requesting smartass comebacks to table coaches. I got some decent responses but the thread got hijacked, so I summed up the decent responses in another thread. Took some digging but I found it in the archives:

Shutting up the table coach summary

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

"Shut up, man!" repeated as needed, by a player, not the dealer. esp if it is a hand I am involved in. I am a pretty friendly guy so no real aggression, just persistence.

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

Slightly off topic, but I had a buddy who was tilting away in a local cardroom. After he had dumped his fourth buy in, I tossed him a $1 chip and asked if he minded running down to the store and get me a lottery ticket. He gave me a funny "WTF" look. I told him after he bought it to call the 800 number on the back. (GA hotline)

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

I just use the "Shhhh!!!, don't read the board." Over and over again until it is obviously so redundant, the players will usually start in on the player as well.

Also for "I've been playing cards longer than you've been alive," the obvious retort for me is... "Well, then if anybody knows that you don't read the board aloud, it should be you, sir."

Re: Funny and/or Effective Quips to Problem Players
 

To a guy who is constantly tossing his chips into the pot to the point where one always rolls to the otherside of the table...

Dealer "Please Sir, flat side down"