Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

Hi OOT,

I don't really know where to begin with this. The short story:

I'm 26, and I'm engaged to get married with my girlfriend of two years next July. We moved in together pretty quickly, and have been living together for about a year and a half. There was no pressure to get married whatsoever, so it's not like she was pushing for a rock or anything. It just seemed like the natural move, and I felt great proposing.

I also recently started a new job. I work in a young, creative industry (it might be stupid, but I don't want to give too many details), and I've met a lot of very interesting people at this new job.

Just last week I became friendly with a girl at work, and I think now that I have a ridiculous crush on her, so much so that it's making me rethink this engagement. Basically, I'm starting to wonder: if I can have intense feelings, like real sparks, with someone that's not my fiancé, is my fiancé really the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? I love her, and we connect on so many levels, but I get this sinking feeling that maybe there's someone else out there...

OK, here's the sticky part. I've always been the type who wants whatever's on the other side. Whenever I'm in a relationship, I always wish I were dating, and vice versa. So I can't really tell if I feel like I'm sort of falling for this girl because I "can't" have her, or if I genuinely have feelings for her. The other thing is that I feel like she flirts with me, and we click on a lot of levels, but maybe she's just a flirtacious type.

I think I might get blasted for this sounding too much like a blog entry, but I guess I'm looking for feedback from people who've been in a similar situation. Is the fact that I might conceivably have feelings for someone else enough to call off an engagement? Or am I just idealizing what I can't have? We haven't planned anything yet for the wedding. What if I suggest waiting another year? [censored], I don't really know what to do now...

I've probably left out a lot of pertinent information in this post.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

I got married the first time after dating for 3 years, because it was the "next step" so to speak.

marriage lasted two years officially, but was really over after about 6 months.

I consider my divorce one of the best days of my life.... banged a ton after divorce, found a great woman, dated 4 months, got engaged, married for almost 8 years now with 2 kids. Waaaaay better the second time thru.

Based on your post, I would advise to break it off or at least slow it down. Imagine yourself with her in 10 years... imagine yourself with her if she gets fat, imagine if lots of things. If you still are dedicated, go for it.... but sounds like you already want to stray.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

Dude, everyone has this problem.

Fact: there are more than one person you can be attracted to - that's [censored] life. The hard part is to choose if you want peace and stay with one woman or excitement and fool around.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

[ QUOTE ]
Dude, everyone has this problem.

Fact: there are more than one person you can be attracted to - that's [censored] life. The hard part is to choose if you want peace and stay with one woman or excitement and fool around.

[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah, the thing is that the girl at work – I feel like we have a connection that's beyond physical. But we haven't known each other long, so I don't really know.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

[ QUOTE ]
Based on your post, I would advise to break it off or at least slow it down. Imagine yourself with her in 10 years... imagine yourself with her if she gets fat, imagine if lots of things. If you still are dedicated, go for it.... but sounds like you already want to stray.

[/ QUOTE ]
How do I slow it down? I tell her I'm just not ready now? I need more time to consider? I figure that's going to set off some bells with her...

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

if you don't want to have children right now don't get married as that's really the only point in doing it as a male.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

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I feel like we have a connection that's beyond physical.

[/ QUOTE ]

It wont be the last time you feel that way, married, committed, or single, your life will be filled with that, see how you feel about her(girl at work) in 6 months, and, do yourself a favor, find out how she feels about you now. If she has feelings for you and is willing to express them, does she know you are living with your fiance?

Just my .02

tobdog

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

My wife read this, and wanted me to tell you that she thinks you should postpone the wedding. It's not fair to her, or either of you for that matter, to make a "life-long commitment" if you're having serious doubts.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I feel like we have a connection that's beyond physical.

[/ QUOTE ]

It wont be the last time you feel that way, married, committed, or single, your life will be filled with that, see how you feel about her(girl at work) in 6 months, and, do yourself a favor, find out how she feels about you now. If she has feelings for you and is willing to express them, does she know you are living with your fiance?

Just my .02

tobdog

[/ QUOTE ]
This makes me feel a little better... She knows I'm engaged, but doesn't expressly know we live together (mentioned my fiance, but thought it was implied that we lived together. Maybe not.)

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

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My wife read this, and wanted me to tell you that she thinks you should postpone the wedding. It's not fair to her, or either of you for that matter, to make a "life-long commitment" if you're having serious doubts.

[/ QUOTE ]
This is sounding more and more like a good idea. I don't see anything wrong with staying engaged for an extra year anyway, but she might... She'll at least wonder why, and I don't want to explain it.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Based on your post, I would advise to break it off or at least slow it down. Imagine yourself with her in 10 years... imagine yourself with her if she gets fat, imagine if lots of things. If you still are dedicated, go for it.... but sounds like you already want to stray.

[/ QUOTE ]
How do I slow it down? I tell her I'm just not ready now? I need more time to consider? I figure that's going to set off some bells with her...

[/ QUOTE ]

See... even the ladies agree with me. Pokerbobo knows, Pokerbobo is wise. Slow it down means your wedding is 11 months from now. tell her you love her, but are having some issues you need to work out. Ask her not to pick out a hall, or invitations or dress yet, and to give you some time.

She may get upset, may freak out, may be rational and actually ask what the hangup is or how long you think you will need. Be honest as you can... I do not recommend comparing her to the work chick, or even letting her know about that. (nothing has happened, really its just a crush)

Have your talk, and tell her you are willing to set a date of decision if she wants you to, but if she does, and you are still unsure in any way, you will error on the side of caution and not commit.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

"Baby, everyone gets married in July. I want to have our wedding in December so we can melt the frozen earth with our fiery passion."

foolproof.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

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Pokerbobo knows, Pokerbobo is wise.

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

You're not ready, simple as that.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

I'm 32, been divorced 2 years, was married 3. My situation similar to yours, and I offer you one piece of advice:

Do you know why divorces are expensive?













They are worth it.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

[ QUOTE ]
Dude, everyone has this problem.

Fact: there are more than one person you can be attracted to - that's [censored] life. The hard part is to choose if you want peace and stay with one woman or excitement and fool around.

[/ QUOTE ]

I vote this. Just read THIS

Dude the new chick is always gonna be appealing, until you find out shes bat [censored] crazy also.

FWIW I'm also 26, just had my two year anniversary and my life is way better now then it was pre marriage.

But if you do hit it with the new chick do THIS

Whatever you do good luck.

Ken

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

Your situation is not unusual at all. Everyone feels this way.

I agree with bobo. Be frank. Tell her you are confused and need to work things out. Tell her you don't want to break up and there is nobody else in the picture. Tell her that probably ten or twenty times because she won't believe it. And there isn't anybody else in the picture, there is some chick at work that you kinda like. Once you have been in a relationship for a long time you realize how much work and sacrifice and day-to-day personality stuff affects the way it goes. There are hundreds of women out there that you could date for six months and have a romance with. There are very few that you can be with for years and still have that same thing.

I have been with my girlfriend for almost five years, living together for four of those, and I used to think all the time about other chicks that I was compatible with, or interested in. At this point I can't imagine finding a woman who is actually happy to live with me day in and day out, who always wants me around, and who makes my day better even when I'm [censored] sick of her and she's sick of me.

When you're together for a long time you have some bad times. It doesn't sound very romantic, but I think the bad times tell you whether it's something that can last a lifetime or not. I'm trying to describe the process and I just can't, but I think most anyone who is in a 5+ year (happy) relationship kinda gets it.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

[ QUOTE ]
Your situation is not unusual at all. Everyone feels this way.

I agree with bobo. Be frank. Tell her you are confused and need to work things out. Tell her you don't want to break up and there is nobody else in the picture. Tell her that probably ten or twenty times because she won't believe it. And there isn't anybody else in the picture, there is some chick at work that you kinda like. Once you have been in a relationship for a long time you realize how much work and sacrifice and day-to-day personality stuff affects the way it goes. There are hundreds of women out there that you could date for six months and have a romance with. There are very few that you can be with for years and still have that same thing.

I have been with my girlfriend for almost five years, living together for four of those, and I used to think all the time about other chicks that I was compatible with, or interested in. At this point I can't imagine finding a woman who is actually happy to live with me day in and day out, who always wants me around, and who makes my day better even when I'm [censored] sick of her and she's sick of me.

When you're together for a long time you have some bad times. It doesn't sound very romantic, but I think the bad times tell you whether it's something that can last a lifetime or not. I'm trying to describe the process and I just can't, but I think most anyone who is in a 5+ year (happy) relationship kinda gets it.

[/ QUOTE ]

Seems many are agreeing with me, yet the OP still has doubts about my advice. NT can I get a special * for my great insight into relationships. Maybe we should start a "dear pokerbobo" column for the confused and committed 2+2ers out there.

Dear Abbey kiss my A**

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

You will always run into this "problem" married or not as your existence comes at the pinnacle of zillions of years of evolutionary genetic fine-tuning that results in this exact feeling when any slightly attractive female of your species says hi back to you.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

[ QUOTE ]
Your situation is not unusual at all. Everyone feels this way.

I agree with bobo. Be frank. Tell her you are confused and need to work things out. Tell her you don't want to break up and there is nobody else in the picture. Tell her that probably ten or twenty times because she won't believe it. And there isn't anybody else in the picture, there is some chick at work that you kinda like. Once you have been in a relationship for a long time you realize how much work and sacrifice and day-to-day personality stuff affects the way it goes. There are hundreds of women out there that you could date for six months and have a romance with. There are very few that you can be with for years and still have that same thing.

I have been with my girlfriend for almost five years, living together for four of those, and I used to think all the time about other chicks that I was compatible with, or interested in. At this point I can't imagine finding a woman who is actually happy to live with me day in and day out, who always wants me around, and who makes my day better even when I'm [censored] sick of her and she's sick of me.

When you're together for a long time you have some bad times. It doesn't sound very romantic, but I think the bad times tell you whether it's something that can last a lifetime or not. I'm trying to describe the process and I just can't, but I think most anyone who is in a 5+ year (happy) relationship kinda gets it.

[/ QUOTE ]

Has the topic of marriage come up? 5 years is a long time.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

yeah we will probably get married in a year or two. we are both very comfortable with our relationship, we are committed to each other long term, have made major career / housing / financial commitments, etc. we are more married than a lot of married people i know.

we are both only 24 so it's not like all our friends are rushing to get married either.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

[ QUOTE ]
At this point I can't imagine finding a woman who is actually happy to live with me day in and day out, who always wants me around, and who makes my day better even when I'm [censored] sick of her and she's sick of me.

[/ QUOTE ]
NT!,

Thanks for the advice. This quoted part hit home the most, because this is exactly how I feel about my fiancé. I can't imagine there's anyone else in the world that would put up with all my neuroses and [censored]. We're very alike in a lot of ways, but also not in others. I tend to think we're alike in the ways that matter. Thanks, though, it does help me to make sense of the situation.

Bobo, I don't disagree with your advice. I wasn't asking rhetorically how to suggest a slow-down. I was seriously looking for tips.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
At this point I can't imagine finding a woman who is actually happy to live with me day in and day out, who always wants me around, and who makes my day better even when I'm [censored] sick of her and she's sick of me.

[/ QUOTE ]
NT!,

Thanks for the advice. This quoted part hit home the most, because this is exactly how I feel about my fiancé. I can't imagine there's anyone else in the world that would put up with all my neuroses and [censored]. We're very alike in a lot of ways, but also not in others. I tend to think we're alike in the ways that matter. Thanks, though, it does help me to make sense of the situation.

Bobo, I don't disagree with your advice. I wasn't asking rhetorically how to suggest a slow-down. I was seriously looking for tips.

[/ QUOTE ]

I hope we helped... I was quite hammered last night, after re-reading it sober turns out I gave some decent advice, as did NT. Good luck.

Re: Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.
 

i dated for a year before i got engaged, hen was engaged for 3 months.The college i attended first was 8 to 1 women to men. Just incredible, when people heard i was engaged they came out the word works wanting a chance.
It came down to this for me....
I know i could have something else,
1) would it be better? its really hard to say, cause people change afer six months, a year. You leave one for the other you barley just know, they mght be batshit crazy in six moonths, andthen you have thrown a good thing away.
2) if you jus sex them up, and get caught, or fill guilty, you just throw away the las year or however long you put into it for a couple minutes, hours, maybe a day.
3) in wome i think the best principal to have, is if your gona cheat, cheat up. So you have to ask yourself like nt said, if she will put up with my [censored], and i can bear hers, and we both still enjoy it and want to continue it....i think it would be really hard to find someone thats better, just because she might be a bit prettier, and have better taste in usic an movies