I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

Sorry for the emo post, but amongst other 2p2'ers I'm sure it's a fairly common problem. This is something I've dealt with for about 10 years since I was a freshman in college to now, when I'm applying to law school. Whenever I go out with people, I can never join in the conversation, and am usually just that wallflower who just sits on the sidelines while everyone else talks. It's gotten so bad, that I've even become uncomfortable with the only 2 people who are my friends.

I just hate being so awkward, and wanted to know how to fix this. I'm not overweight, or anything, on the contrary I'm in good shape 6'2 195, so that's not the problem. Anything that I can possible do to ameliorate this problem? Should I get a life coach, read the news more to become more interesting? Get more hobbies? Get a self help book? Sorry if this is long, I feel like I've just been in a rut for so long and there is just no way out of it [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

I'm interested to see replies; I'm not nearly as badly off as you but I see myself a little bit here

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

Force yourself to talk to strangers several times a day. It is irrelivent if you come off sounding like a boring idiot to a person you'll never truely know. Like everything, social skills take practice.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

start random conversations with strangers. start with ugly/old people who will be glad to talk with you. about anything. you can even say, 'how about this weather?'. it doesn't matter, this is just practice. start going to cafes and stores with overly friendly staff, have conversations with them too. more practice.

eventually, you can move on to talking to people you actually want to talk to. it'll be easy after you've spent a month or two getting used to talking to strangers.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

Try therapy?

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

do you have a gf? longest relationship?

Post deleted by Mat Sklansky
 

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

tmfsdjaflk;sdafmgdfsa

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

Therapy and medication can help.

WTF with posting that pic?

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

nsfw perhaps?

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

lol at the OP ruling out his weight as the problem, as if only fat people are shy.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

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do you have a gf? longest relationship?

[/ QUOTE ]

Actually yes I do have a girlfriend surprisingly enough, and my longest relationship is 7 months. Problem with both of those, is that throughout each of those there was a lot of awkward silences, and just cuddling on the bed watching tv. I never had anything really of substance to say after how was your day.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

[ QUOTE ]
lol at the OP ruling out his weight as the problem, as if only fat people are shy.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well it seems that most people who ask the questions that I have, are boring/ shy because of their perception of their physical appearance. Just wanted to throw that out, in case the first 3 pages were, "you must be ugly/ lose weight"

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

Sounds like depression more than anything. Go see your doc and get him to recommend a psych.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

View law school as a fresh start. Despite horror stories, there is plenty of socializing that goes on. Go to all the open bar/BBQ type things they have at the beginning of the year. Talk with a bunch of people and realize that many of them are probably looking for law school friends as well. If you don't have a gf, being so busy with law school, it can get real lonely.

Hell, target a few people that initially seem cool from talking and sit next to them during all the orientation events. Pick people from far away that might not have any established friends in the area, therefore looking for people to hang with.

This will lead to a group, which you can then attend law school get togethers with, branch out from there.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

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read the news more to become more interesting? Get more hobbies

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yes


also, if you don't ever do anything because you don't want to talk to people then you'll never have anything to talk about! self weighting strategy.

ie you never leave the house so nothing ever happens to you so you never have any stories to tell so you feel awkward so you never leave the house!

also, you might be depressed, but the fact that you see this as a bad thing and not a good thing means its less likely. most depressed people are happy to sit at home and never see anyone or do anything.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

It's hard to bring yourself out and want to talk to people until you feel really comfortable with yourself. Do you feel like a failure or someone who doesn't have a lot going on personality-wise or intellectually? If your passivity around people reflects a lack of involvement in your own life, maybe you could start to change that by doing more stuff and getting interested in more stuff. Then you'll have more to talk about and more people to talk about it with.

Post deleted by Mat Sklansky
 

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

I've seen some of the replies that say you should force yourself to be more outgoing. There is probably no harm in trying this but I think your big problem is not accepting yourself. Some people are extroverts and some introverts and a lot fall in between.

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert except the hate your bringing on yourself. You need to stop that. You will find that over the years you will become as part of maturing and life experience more outgoing. I don't necessarily think you need to force it.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
read the news more to become more interesting? Get more hobbies

[/ QUOTE ]

yes


also, if you don't ever do anything because you don't want to talk to people then you'll never have anything to talk about! self weighting strategy.

ie you never leave the house so nothing ever happens to you so you never have any stories to tell so you feel awkward so you never leave the house!

also, you might be depressed, but the fact that you see this as a bad thing and not a good thing means its less likely. most depressed people are happy to sit at home and never see anyone or do anything.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, hobbies would be great, even if its just a cooking class or something (everyone likes to talk about delicious food) and most guys like to talk about poker. In the meantime, I suggest becoming an alcoholic. Just don't get a DUI.

Edit: Is your problem that you are a low talker? 'Cause there is voice therapy for that. I read about it on here, ELDGF i think.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

You don't have to talk to people all the time to be a worthwhile human being. Have you heard of the strong and silent type or whatever?

But, if you want to learn how to talk to people better, talk to people more. I'm no expert, but I decided at about 18 that it was a good idea to go out and practice, so out I went. It's the same as anything else, nobody comes with these things inbuilt, you gotta learn it.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

The following advice is designed to give you an instant
socially acceptable, semi-universal conversational topics.

Asking people about their interests and family is a good
start. Being able to discern their interests and have at
least enough knowledge to ask intelligent questions helps.

Start following the big sports teams in your area. If no
NBA, NFL, MLB or NHL, then whatever college basketball
program is nearby. 90% of all men can relate to sports.

Start seeing the most popular movie during the week.
Follow up by watching old classics that you can get
from your library. This way, you have conversational
topics that will interest at least 90% of all females.

So there you go. Start with something safe and easy.

Family. Someone ELSE'S interests. Sports. Movies.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

Do you think it's possible you just don't find yourself interesting? Do you have anything to say that you yourself find interesting? Opinions, facts, favorite tv shows, political views, your theory on why tennis balls are yellow... doesn't matter, but if you suspect it's interesting someone else will as well.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

Okay, what have you done for the 5 or so years between undergrad and applying for law school? Did you have trouble during undergrad finding people to hang with? Depression/anxiety are actually really good possibilities for you and you should be really careful about these. (Disliking hanging solo probably means you don't have schizoid personality disorder, but doesn't actually make depression less likely) Make sure you see your family doctor before you start law school. Going into a high stress environment like that with any sort of untreated psych stuff going on is gonna be bad.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

Mason really made a great point earlier.

I find that the more I go out, and the bigger my social group is, the easier it is to talk to people.

It gives you all kinds of new stories, and mostly, PEOPLE to talk about. I noticed that lately I haven't been going out as much, and it's been a little harder for me to BS with people.

It's one thing to be a good listener, but to initiate conversation you really need to have some interests of your own that you can get excited talking about.

OP, how would you answer the question, "So what's up with you?"

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

[ QUOTE ]
your theory on why tennis balls are yellow

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tennis balls are green, dawg [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

Lol ya.... OOT should provide you tons to talk about with your friends.

I think my roommates are now just used to me saying something like, "So I was reading this poker forum and I heard a story about....."

Obviously you can just change this to, "I was reading an article about...." and look slightly less degenerate.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

[ QUOTE ]
It's hard to bring yourself out and want to talk to people until you feel really comfortable with yourself. Do you feel like a failure or someone who doesn't have a lot going on personality-wise or intellectually? If your passivity around people reflects a lack of involvement in your own life, maybe you could start to change that by doing more stuff and getting interested in more stuff. Then you'll have more to talk about and more people to talk about it with.

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree with this. I'm mostly an introvert, but I'm very outgoing once I'm comfortable with my situation. Since I moved to a new city I've gone through bouts of sucking at life and not doing much at all. To fix it, I find activities to do and as a rule I become more social. Just recently I started playing basketball, working on my game and my conditioning. I've met a few cool dudes down at the court as a result, and find I'm more social than I give myself credit for.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

http://img297.imageshack.us/img297/9933/mysteryjt3.jpg

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

Give therapy and meds a shot

You dont gotta read the news or pick up hobbies to be more interesting, the key to socializing is just asking people questions that allow them to talk about themselves, because thats all anyones main goal is in a conversation anyway.

But do get some hobbies you enjoy tho just cuz its good for you, and its also a good way to meet people with similar interests

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

[ QUOTE ]
Give therapy and meds a shot

You dont gotta read the news or pick up hobbies to be more interesting, the key to socializing is just asking people questions that allow them to talk about themselves, because thats all anyones main goal is in a conversation anyway.

But do get some hobbies you enjoy tho just cuz its good for you, and its also a good way to meet people with similar interests

[/ QUOTE ]

oh yeah, no one actually cares what you have to say, they just want someone to listen to what THEY have to say

95% of people view a conversation as waiting for their turn to talk

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

Seriously, just be one of those people who finds girls' and other outgoing males' stories fascinating. People will always want you around as a foil. Then after a while they may start to rub off on you as well.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Give therapy and meds a shot

You dont gotta read the news or pick up hobbies to be more interesting, the key to socializing is just asking people questions that allow them to talk about themselves, because thats all anyones main goal is in a conversation anyway.

But do get some hobbies you enjoy tho just cuz its good for you, and its also a good way to meet people with similar interests

[/ QUOTE ]

oh yeah, no one actually cares what you have to say, they just want someone to listen to what THEY have to say

95% of people view a conversation as waiting for their turn to talk

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree with this to an extent, but people will always want to talk to you more if you have something to say. Picking up a hobby, just gives me something to talk about with other people. It helps in that way. For the same reason learning about investments helps with talking to people, it's just another facet you have. I've never been one who had a great story to tell, and developing raconteur skills are somehting that take a while to develop.

I mean I guess this has been a long term problem, but has specifically flared up this weekend, with the girl I'm seeing. For the first 36 hours we were together it was great. We talked about her law school orientation, about my quitting my job, how the LSATs were coming, but eventually it just got flat, and we couldn't talk about anything. We went out to a bar, and I just had nothing new to add, besides what was on the TV there. It's just frustrating

And FWIW, yeah, I'm pretty badly depressed, had to leave college 2x for suicide attempts, and am heavily doped up on lithium and prozac.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

[ QUOTE ]
Seriously, just be one of those people who finds girls' and other outgoing males' stories fascinating. People will always want you around as a foil. Then after a while they may start to rub off on you as well.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah, if you're disinterested in what people have to say they're not going to want to talk to you very much.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

I think everything will get better if you start wearing a Jack Cust jersey to the bars.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

The problem with some of this, IMHO, is that there is something debilitating about engaging in hobbies for reasons other than genuine interest, and in superficially dabbling in certain topics for the sole purpose of generating conversation.

The problem with my problem, IMHO, is that these things are the catalysts for the more meaningful interactions. Much of life is in the details and there is a lot of subtle value in small talk and simple interaction. So, if it doesn't come naturally, any effort to instigate it would be beneficial. I think there is a general malaise that we are becoming a nation of misanthropes, and this causes some people to shut down socially.

OP, I think a lot of people can sympathize. I can. I have been blessed with a close group of friends that have remained in touch from high-school through college. We engage in tons of activities, get togethers etc. and there are still moments where I feel somewhat disconnected.

Anyhoo, GL.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
And FWIW, yeah, I'm pretty badly depressed, had to leave college 2x for suicide attempts, and am heavily doped up on lithium and prozac.

[/ QUOTE ]

doesn't the medication help?

FWIW, I don't really think you can change personalities a whole heck of a lot- everyone's genetically hardwired in different ways. I think you can be more social and outgoing, but you're going to have put a lot more effort into it than someone who is extroverted.

It would be like Arnold Shwarzenegger(sp?) who could simply look at weights and get huge vs. someone who has a tough time putting on lean muscle mass must follow everything to a T just to put on one pound of muscle..

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

Ask lots of open ended questions then if you can't think of anything to say just repeat the last few words they said in a questioning tone. This cue's people to go into more details, I think its called parroting.

IE. you "oh hi, how do you know dave"
scary stranger "oh we met in college"
you "..in college??
scary stranger "oh yada yada, fun college story here"

People mostly just want to talk about themselves, so if you ask them lots of questions they usually wont shut up.. you can add in when you feel more comfortable.

You should talk to new people the very first time you meet them, if you say something within a few seconds of seeing them at a party or whatever it makes it a lot easier. If you are with friends have them introduce you to others etc..

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

After I left university I did nothing but watch sports, write sports and talk about sports. I was pretty worried I'd become boring (like 1994 Knicks-Rockets NBA Final boring).

I ended up taking some classes (Spanish at the local university and a music class at the local conservatory). That worked well I found.

Re: I have no social skills, am incredibly boring, and want to end it
 

Well, my problem is frequently the opposite.
I go through my introverted or don't-really-give-a-crap-about-anyone-here phases.

But mostly I'm pretty well known for being stupidly over-talkative. Voted 'most ralkative' of my high-school class. Worked previously in radio where all I did was talk, talk, talk. etc etc.

So I'll shed my somewhat opposite perspective on it.

1. The fact that I talk (I've cut it down somewhat though) more than other people does not make me any more interesting at all.
I know plenty of introverts who are pretty damned interesting IF you can get them to open-up a bit.

But I don't care if I'm not as smart as others around me and what I have to say might not really be that interesting in the grand scheme of things. I make observations anyway.


2. I get going the most when I'm more caffeinated.
I'll make stupid, random observations about the stupidest things. Look at the world like a little kid. It's fun.
Ask questions, make observations, whatever.
In general, activate your mind somewhat so that your conversational stuff doesn't just revolve around what is on TV.
But even then, whatever is on the TV at the bar can still be your spark if you want it to be and it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Commercials are getting weirder and weirder these days. Discuss.

This song sucks...why is this idiot singing like this?
or this song is awesome...these guys officially kick-ass.
Discuss.

Hobbies are nice too. But I don't think you need a ton of hobbies to develop opinions on some things or be able to have a conversation.

Even just making eye-contact and being somewhat friendly/smiley can get people to open-up and when other people open-up then that can get contagious on you as well.

I think there's some potential for OP to make more friends in a somewhat social-setting like law school.
There will be a ton of work involved too obviously but you'll be working some in group settings I would think.

Instead of complaining about always being tired or about how boring this stuff is I think purposefully being a more positive person about "we can do this. It kind of sucks right now to be studying and reading 20 hours a day but I feel like I can make it" can rub off positively on other people as well.

I tend to complain a bit more than other people I think and am really concious of that so that's why I guess I'm go much into recommending positivity.

Good luck. Hope some of this gave you some kinds of ideas.