My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

This will probably be the longest post i have ever made on this board. I intend to be entirely honest as i believe this is the only way i can get the exact feedback that I want.

There are four main points I want to address and I will give background for all of them.
I) My Drug Use
II) My Poker Playing
III) My Emotions
IV) Relationships
V) Where now?

I. For the first 21 years of my life, i was completely straight edge. I never took a sip of alcohol or smoked anything. I went away to college, made an aim name that had an x in it, hung out with kids who listened to punk/hardcore music. My freshman year of college was spent at the University of California-Santa Barbara. This was one of the worst years of my life, i felt completely alone and like i was the only person on the planet who didnt want to drink until vomit. After this year, I transferred home to UC-Santa Cruz. My junior year I lived with 3 of my best friends. One day, they coaxed me into smoking weed with them. I felt like i was going to die and went to sleep. This was about 4 years ago...In the 4 years since then I have smoked weed almost nonstop except for a short break when I moved out of the friends I lived with and another break when I made a bet with another 2p2er in this thread. Since the bet ended, I started smoking again in March, promised myself i would only use a vaporizer so as to not damage my lungs so much. Well, wouldnt you know it, last weekend I went out and bought a [censored] 50 dollar bong because i missed smoking out of one so much. I had kind of a mini nervous breakdown tonight(what prompted me posting this) and in the middle of said breakdown i decided i needed to dispose of the bong. So i went out to my condo complex's trash can and broke the bong into pieces and threw it away, hopefully I never use one again. I am considering throwing out my vaporizer as it is the last piece of smoking stuff I have. I have no weed as I ran out today and tried hard to reach someone to get me more.

I want to talk a little bit about how weed makes me feel. My normal day goes something like this: i wake up, get ready for work, go to work, work out, and then get home around 6. Since all my friends moved away from our hometown and I plan to be moving away in a month or so, I really have no one to hang out with, so i just come home, get really stoned and play poker. Now, for awhile, this wasnt too unhealthy. However, 2 weeks ago, my girlfriend and i broke up. Since then, i have gotten myself high enough to the point that I just dont feel emotions anymore because i want to die when i think about our breakup. This causes me to hemmorage money and get ridiculously depressed, which i feel hurts the chances of our relationship being worked out.

I know what you must be thinking, well hey rj, why not just quit? hey, good idea, i totally agree! I would love to, here is the problem. I go to work all day, when i am leaving, all i think about is how much want to relax and stuff. when i get home, if i dont smoke i get a kind of tingley feeling and just feel really nervous. If i make it until bed, i just feel kind of sweaty and tingley and have a hard time falling asleep. My lungs feel really heavy and my brain is just racing, like it needs something to slow it down. I do that thing where i just go "omg omgomgomgomg sleep" and it never happens. Many nights where i tried to quit smoking I just never fell asleep and felt like [censored] the entire next day. I think I have covered this section. I plan to try to ease off a bit at this point with the intention of quitting eventually.

II. Poker Playing
I started playing poker in 2002, in a small 20nl game in my dorm at uc santa barbara. occasionally i would go to chumash and play limit, but i was terrible. Pretty shortly after, I found 2p2, started posting. Started playing 4 tables of 50nl(back when party was 50bbs) and did quite well, i remember i was winning 9ptbb/100 for awhile. I 4 tabled all the way up to 200nl and had a real nice roll. I did some casino whoring, did well in that too. Between the casino whoring and poker, i paid for my final year of college. I actually quit my summer job after junior year because i was making so much more playing poker. I always played within my bankroll and never even had an interest at taking shots. then, in early 2005, i just stopped being into poker, i didnt play for months and barely read 2p2. I dont remember what i was doing, but it wasnt poker.

In July of that year, I got a PM from user Guyontilt, asking me where to get a good sandwich in santa cruz, because he and fellow poster evan happened to be spending a summer here. We started talking and they both came to my friends homegame and we had a good time. They were both really good limit players, so i had them coach me and i moved up quickly from 2/4 to 5/10, keeping a full roll and winning 2bb/100. not bad. anyway, they moved away, i played limit awhile longer and then withdrew my whole roll after party shut down. I got a full time job at nasa which i have to this day and which i use to support myself.

Ever since party has shut down I have been everything I have always prided myself on not being. I now deposit a couple hundred bucks at a time, play a bunch of tournaments im not really rolled for, take some beats, go on tilt, complain to the ones i love and my friends(which im sure annoys them). I find myself complaining in irc to people who dont care, or to my girlfriend, who i feel like i am dragging through hell when i tell a bad beat story, yet i cannot stop doing it.

to me, poker has become a game of ego. i no longer care about the money, i want to win tournaments. i want that big score and to say HEY I WON. I WAS THE BEST IN THIS TOURNAMENT. i dont care about my bankroll, cashing for small amounts, or making conservative plays. I have been pushing as hard as i can to win and failing miserably, which has been a massive blow to my ego. i need to stop spewing money this way. i have much more important things to be using it for.

III) Emotions.

I sometimes try to imagine what people on twoplustwo must think of me. The way I handled the OOT survivor situation was piss poor and was a pretty shining example of how my temper can turn me into a logicless, ranting retard when i get frustrated or angry. In real life, the translation is more that when i get frustrated i just get depressed, whereas online it comes off as anger. Everyday when i am commuting an hour, i am miserable because any mistake another driver makes i just want to blow their head off. When i am at work, on the other hand, peoples mistakes dont really bother me. On this board, I tend to take things that people say way too personally or be too "snarky" with others. I know many people think im a complete POS, but many who once thought that now consider me a friend. I really make a horrible first impression in that way, but i consider myself to be a loyal, loving person. Tilt is def up there in terms of my emotional problems and causes me to feel the need to tell the nearest person how unlucky i am, how depressed i am and i guess(not intentionally, but maybe subconsciously intentionally) attempt to garner some sympathy from the person. More often i think i am just annoying them and not helping either of us. After that, I just stop playing optimal poker and tilt off a tournament buyin or two after i lose to some two outers. I used to not know the meaning of tilt, and now a single 90/10 loss will throw me to the point of inconsolable maniac tiltwise. I really wish i knew how to fix this. I am thinking drugs must be involved if i have changed over time to do this.

Mostly with emotions, i just want to pinpoint the cause of me going into tilt/depression/anger mode and put an end to it. Tonight i was telling my girlfriend how sick the beats i were taking are, and the response i got was pretty much "shut up". which i think i totally deserve, but at the same time scared me into realizing that my idiotic emotional problems wrt poker may be hurting my relationships with other people more than i had previously thought...

leading us into...

IV) Relationships.

Last August, I met a girl from twoplustwo. We both had talked in #sstakes and posted in small stakes holdem and oot and whatnot. She lives in texas, but her family lived near mine. The first time we met, i picked her up in Santa Clara for our date to the Monterey Bay aquarium. It was about a 2 hour drive, and since she had just taken such a long flight, she fell asleep. The whole drive, she held my hand while she was asleep and i will never forget how beautiful she looked and how much fun we had that day. We went and saw all the fish(sunfish being the awesomest), we went and had pizza on fishermans wharf and then came back to santa cruz, looked out at the sun setting from the cliffs and had our first kiss. The next day, I took her to her family's house before her flight home. As I left, i told her i would miss her and how excited i was to see her again, i cried as soon as she was out of eyesight, I missed her already. For 10 months after this, we each flew back and forth, her coming to california, staying with me for a week and me coming home from work the happiest guy ever, or me flying to texas for a weekend to see the girl i loved, things were amazing. In the back of my mind, i was thinking about how i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, she was amazing, her laugh, her smile, all of it just made every [censored] day of work worth it. i knew that the money from my paychecks would make us able to see each other more often and this made me very happy.

Then, I made the biggest mistake i have made in a relationship. Last month, my girlfriends horse had a baby. It was completely amazing and so cute it made me smile. Even better was how happy it made stacy, listening to her talk about her baby made me the happiest guy alive. Then, the day before stacy was supposed to come visit, there was a freak accident and the baby had to be put down. I was legitimately crushed and cried myself to sleep knowing how deeply hurt the person i cared most about was. When she got here, we held each other, i tried my best to comfort her and make her smile, but i wasnt helping and it just felt more and more like i could do nothing to help things at all. The second night she was here, i said the thing i regret saying more than anything i have ever said. After I came home from work, i was holding her, cuddling her and listening and all of a sudden i felt completely scared and helpless and said it, "baby, i dont know if i am okay with the distance in our relationship anymore."(it still makes tears come just thinking about it). Immediately i just lost it, i knew i had made a mistake, i knew i had hurt the person i loved more than anything who was already crushed.

The rest of her visit, it was obvious things had changed, we both had trouble talking and were both extremely sad. Since she flew home 2 weeks ago, we pretty much immediately broke up, she said she didnt trust me anymore, and i figured we were done, i had never been this unhappy in my life. Through a single moment of scared insecurity, i managed to lose the person who has made me the happiest guy alive for the past year. Ever since, I have been trying to make things right but I feel as though i lost the trust and love of my favorite person on earth. i simply hate myself for what i have done. Here is why i feel like i have been a horrible boyfriend:

-i allowed myself to start doing drugs again which made my love show through less than it should have
-i got lazy and allowed myself to get fat. the girl i love deserves better and i am now going to work my ass off to get back into the shape i once was in.
- i started taking what we had for granted. from the getgo, our plan was to be together as soon as possible. as such, when i took the GMAT exam, i submitted my scores to 2 schools in texas. I did poorly on the GMAT, plan to retake them this year and start grad school next fall. But since we have been together i feel like i have had a tough time holding up my side of the bargain and going to texas since i have few vacation days and have to take a friday night after work flight, then take a flight home early monday morning, go directly to work and feel super tired/sick all week. after doing this a few times, i got lazy and just had my girlfriend come here more. i do miss her family and stuff and think i should be holding up my end a bit better.

the only bad thing about the relationship is that i felt myself being alienated from many of my friends. 3 of my 4 best friends moved away, the other one is on a yearlong biology study in canada. All 4 of them are amazing, loyal an loving people. My friends who remain here have gotten girlfriends or are either too stoned to be functional or too drunk to enjoy their company. Since they have changed, we have stopped being friends. So in the past 2 weeks, not only have i lost my girlfriend, i have realized that i really have no one to talk to about how i feel. The only person who i really open up to and have to thank them listening, is mrkilla, who has been awesome, but even he isnt around much of the time when i am lonely. I have always been the type to have few, very close friends, as opposed to many friends who are less close. I tend to avoid making new friends because i always thought "hey, i love these friends, why meet new ones?" Well now that I realize i could use some friends to be with, it is a little late, but i am moving in the next month or two anyway, so i guess its just temporary woes, but still, a lesson i should remember.

V) Where now?

Currently, I have a job at NASA in mountain view. It pays okay and the work is somewhat enjoyable and rewarding. My commute is currently about 45 minutes each way, which is what makes me completely hate my day, and is why i am trying to move to mountain view to shorten my drive to 10 minutes or so. Now, I have about 13k in the bank and paychecks coming, I should be able to afford to move, but i do need to keep saving money if i want to go to grad school. However, there are a few problems. First, my rent will go up about 400 bucks a month, which while not fatally damaging, will make me save even less money than i already am. Anyone who is familiar with the bay area housing market knows that I probably cant afford a house. So while money isnt a "concern" the fact that i wont be able to save much money certainly IS a concern.

The other thing is, my girlfriend is in texas, I am in california, she wants me to be there, i want to be there, we might be able to afford a house there, but i have no job there, no friends there, no family there and no idea what kind of jobs/pay i could get there. While it would be crushing to move so far from my friends and family, if i had a good job, could buy a house and could start saving for school i would be a very happy guy.

I dont know how many people will read ALL of what i just wrote. If 5/20000 do it than i guess it is worth the two hours in the middle of the night after i ran outside in my sweatpants to smash my bong that i spent writing this. I really would like some advice. Maybe you feel like youre unqualified to comment on the situation as a whole but have various suggestions for one of the many subpoints I made, if that is the case, please do, i would love some guidance/suggestions. Especially anyone with long distance romances. I really want to know how you went from long distance to together. I have a lot of problems, but i think that admitting them with the intention of fixing them in an honest manner was the best first step i could make. I hope no one takes offense for any of the personal stuff i have shared about them(mostly my girlfriend). But i love her to death and want the best for us, and i thought getting help this way would eventually end up benefiting her, so why not?

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

Solution ?

That's a long and good post. I actually feel for you.

1) Dopes got to go
2) Do whatever you can to make amends with your woman
3) Quit playing poker

If you can't sleep at night take a few nytols or sominex's the doximine succanate will knock you out in like 20 min. It will help yo uget over the weed.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

I don't get why the "not comfortable with distance between us" comment led her to not trust you? You're obviously depressed due to the "break up" have you talked to her since, it seems from your post it was just a little squabble and you should make up with her soon.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

[ QUOTE ]
The other thing is, my girlfriend is in texas, I am in california, she wants me to be there, i want to be there, we might be able to afford a house there, but i have no job there, no friends there, no family there and no idea what kind of jobs/pay i could get there.

[/ QUOTE ]
Love has no boundaries dude...true love that is...if it is true love (from both sides), do whatever it takes. But make sure it is love and not just the empty feeling of loneliness...a big sacrifice for loneliness will be hollow and bitter...a big sacrifice for love will only bring joy.

As far as not having anyone around, then take the time to be just you for a while...sounds like you could use that...just work on things you want to do for yourself and do them...sometimes solitude can help you find your center so use this time wisely. Be you and make a better you as you go along.

The great thing about life is you can always change things...nothing is static...so take a relaxing breath and set your changes in motion. Best wishes.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

Wow. Thats a long ass post. I've gone through similar situations to what your goingthrough. Where in Texas does she live? Have you thought about transferring? Nasa has a base in Houston, depending on the type of work you're in, you may be able to transfer. It seems like you're trying to fix everything in your life at once. That never works for me. I'd suggest setting weekly goals for yourself. This week, start getting back into studying for the GMAT and working out a bit. Next week start exercising and getting back into shape. You may even be able to get GMAT study CDs that you can listen to in your car for the hour commute.

Try cutting the smoking to a once a day occurence. If you try to change everything at once, chances are you'll stick to it for a week, maybe two, then slip back into your old ways.

Hope this helps.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

Stop the drugs, stop the poker, lose weight, get in shape - all good ideas.

Schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and see what they recommend. Probably the best idea.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

Join the armed services.

1) Will get you off drugs
2) No poker in basic
3) You will lose weight
4) You will get in shape
5) Maybe you can get stationed in californa near your girl.

Seems +EV to me

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

It seems like you make bad decisions with your life.

The first priority is to get off the dope. If it means you go on little sleep for a couple of nights, so be it. I would not replace the dope with any sleeping agents. It's a tough deal, it will not be easy, so I'd make sure you destroy any tools of your trade.

This next thing I'll say will not make you happy. But, the truth is, if you can't be happy with yourself, you will not be able to make this woman happy. Uprroting and moving for a woman is a bad idea. Fix yourself first.

So,

1) get clean
2) work on yourself - get fit, lose weight, gain mental strength. The women will come

For what it's worth,


good luck.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

That tingly feeling is called life. Don't reject it; it's the basic energy of living. Also of madness. You can either find some way to direct it, or kill it. The first way, you'll have a great life full of accomplishment, but you'll still feel anxious and jumpy sometimes. The second way, you'll live in a blur, probably mess up your health, and not even really feel what you do accomplish; and if you don't kill yourself first, you'll eventually wind up very regretful, missing how much of your life force you drugged or drank away.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

to be clear, i dont drink more than once every other week. To say i could "drink my life away" is false. i think my main problem with everything is that i just dont handle frustration very well. When i get frustrated, at some point i just turn off all logic and just think about how angry i am and cant focus on anything else. it sucks.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

re: your pot smoking.

Do you even enjoy smoking anymore? How much do you smoke for a session and how many sessions a week to you think you have?

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

I read it all. Very good post.

I don't have advice per se, but I'm in the area and if you ever want to chat, hang out, get an outside point of view, or just ramble on to someone who'll listen, drop me a PM.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

[ QUOTE ]
re: your pot smoking.

Do you even enjoy smoking anymore? How much do you smoke for a session and how many sessions a week to you think you have?

[/ QUOTE ]

i smoke every single day. probably once or twice. but its just when i come home from work i feel sooo tense and stressed out and the second my lungs are full i feel completely relaxed and at peace. its pretty much the definition of an addicting feeling.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

kurt,

thanks a lot dude, stuff like that really means a lot. hopefully we can meet up at a bay area homegame soon. I will drop you a line if i need to talk. thanks,

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

1. If you want to be with your woman, move to Texas.
2. You can find work there.
3. You can quit dope there.
4. You can retake hte GMAT there.
5. You can go to school there.

Good luck.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

I read the whole post, not really sure what you're looking for? Seems like you've got it pretty figured out what you want/need to do, just apply yourself and quit smoking/get back in shape/get over the girl or find a way to live near each other.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

Hey Pitt, anyone that is a normal and semi decent person has gone through similar times as you, so dont worry you, you are not alone. As for everyone saying you need to stop smoking I disagree, because if it is something that you want to do you should do it. However, given the way that you have talked about smoking weed it sounds like you are doing it in a destructive manner, and you should try to avoid doing that. Maybe just take a break from smoking, get things more even, and then decide if you want to again.

Poker - Not a good thing to be doing while in a difficult emotional state, especially with a temper. Every poker player knows the feelings you are talking about, and every losing player reacts the way you appear to be reacting. Again, just take a break from it.

Emotions - You realize some of your emotional problems, which is a big step, now act on that knowledge. Realize when you are getting unjustly pissed, like when driving, and then ask why am i doing this? It will get better in time.

Relationship - Most long term, long distance relationships have episodes like this. Be careful posting like this on here, because she is probably going to read this. Everyone does similar things when they have girl problems, like leaving really sad away messages on IM and [censored], and all it does is make the two people in the relationship feel worse. It sounds like you really care about her, and it doesnt have to be over if you want it bad enough, at least thats what I think.

When people are at their lowest points, their actions and feelings define what kind of person they truly are. You sound like a good guy, so now act like it. If you know smoking and poker is making you unhappy and you are doing it foolishly, then stop. You will be fine though, and good luck.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

[ QUOTE ]
to be clear, i dont drink more than once every other week. To say i could "drink my life away" is false. i think my main problem with everything is that i just dont handle frustration very well. When i get frustrated, at some point i just turn off all logic and just think about how angry i am and cant focus on anything else. it sucks.

[/ QUOTE ]

Pot, booze, it's all the same thing. It's a retreating, defensive action. That uneasiness you have when alone at the end of the day can be your friend or your enemy, but by looking to escape, you're turning your basic life force into your enemy.

It's natural to feel ill at ease or a little antsy when you don't have positive things taking up that energy. But stifling it with dope every day until you can stand being in the world or with yourself alone isn't the best solution. If you're really busy doing something that matters to you, you won't have that feeling, and the time will fly. Maybe you need to find something positive to do, so you can use your energy up in a good way instead of stifling it or ignoring it. That way, free time becomes profit, instead of threat and grim reminder.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

[ QUOTE ]
I sometimes try to imagine what people on twoplustwo must think of me.

[/ QUOTE ]

lol... wait, what? why? This is an internet forum. Who cares what anyone thinks of you. Your real friends and family are all that matters.

When someone is like "Oh no I got banned from 2+2", big [censored] deal. Get a life.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

some grunch:

I like the suggestion of changing things a little at a time.

Your girlfriend misconstrued your remark. Clear it up by
telling her you'd like to move closer to her. Make sure
she understands your remark was not because you have the hots for
a closer look-alike girlfriend. We've all hurt the ones
we love. The good relationships persevere.

My contribution to the din:

What is your diet like ?? Someone with these types
of problems ( emotional swings and outbursts, depression, sleep
difficulties, weight gain ) probably eats terribly.

Too much caffeine and sugar probably for starters.

Get the book "Fit for Life" by Harvey and Marilyn Diamond.
It's the Bible for fixing food issues.

Meanwhile, I recommend:

Reduce the caffeine and sugar intact as much as possible.
Eliminate as much cheese and dairy stuff as possible.
More fresh fruits.
More fresh salads.
Less pigging out.

See if that doesn't help the sleep and emotional discipline.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

[ QUOTE ]
I read the whole post, not really sure what you're looking for? Seems like you've got it pretty figured out what you want/need to do, just apply yourself and quit smoking/get back in shape/get over the girl or find a way to live near each other.

[/ QUOTE ]

i think i needed to write this so that i could put all of the things that are going wrong together and analyze them. Writing it out was incredibly therapeutic and i have let some people read it so that they can better understand how i am feeling. now, as you said, comes the difficult part, application.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

I have just a couple of points to make:

(1) Smoking marijuana (especially everyday) will raise your estrogen levels markedly while reducing your body's testosterone levels. This is a major issue, especially given your current depressive state. If you can quit smoking and perhaps occasionally lift weights, you'll probably notice yourself beginning to feel more optimistic and confident.

(2) I really don't think any of this is a huge deal, and you'll probably be laughing about it a few months down the road if you address the weed problem. Obviously you love the girl very much, but your mindset might well change once your hormones reach homeostasis. Your relationship reminds me a great deal of my first "serious" relationship that I had when i was 18-19, and I look back now and laugh at how immature and ridiculous I was. And I don't mean that in a pejorative way at all, just remember there are many fish in the sea.

You're in good financial shape, have a good job, etc. You'll be fine, just straighten out the drug issue. Good luck.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

Whenever I feel down or whatever, I love reading articles from www.stevepavlina.com

Lots of self improvement articles, spanning a zillion subjects. I can give you some of my favorites if you're interested.

FWIW, I love the headphones you recommended to me a while ago.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

[ QUOTE ]
This causes me to hemmorage money and get ridiculously depressed, which i feel hurts the chances of our relationship being worked out.

[/ QUOTE ]

Screenname/Stakes?

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

Read the whole post. One positive that you fail to mention is that you still care. If you didn't you wouldn't be writing this post. Quit the dope while you still care. Once the dope has you quit caring, you are too far gone. You seem to know what you need to do. You also need to think of why relationship trouble gets you so depressed? There might be other factors in your self esteem that need to be addressed, as you might be basing your own worth on her affection. Again I am not in the relationship so I dont know, only you do. Im in Norcal, PM me if you want to talk or hang out sometime.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

You need to see a counselor/psychiatrist. You probably won't need to see a full-blown psychiatrist, there's a level beneath that called.. I forget the exact title but they do just as good of a job with less cash outlay. Psychs are there to diagnose serious weirdness. You're just depressed and you need someone direct to talk to.

There's nothing wrong with going to seek professional help. It's what they do for a living. I've talked to them and I'm sure most people here have at one stage or another. Contact your local mental health provider (get past the name, it doesn't mean you're crazy) and tell them you need to speak to a counselor.

Once you get there, they will probably tell you the following things. Don't take this as an excuse to skip going to see them because they're going to help you do these things far better than any dumb internet post will.

a) They're going to tell you to kick the weed. Weed is stupid and obviously it's affecting you. You're going to need help for this probably, and they can give it to you.
b) They're going to give you some direction and a fresh perspective. You need this as well. You're kind of isolated and very dependent on your girlfriend. You don't have a lot of self-reliance and it's painfully obvious. You need to be -capable- of living on your own.
c) They're going to help you sort out why you feel the way you feel, and maybe help you change it. You need help on this, because you feel miserable.

Go to your phonebook RIGHT THIS INSTANT, flip to the Government section in your phone book and dial the mental health help line. They'll direct you to where you need to go from there. You need to get back on course. Being a man isn't about handling these problems all by yourself; it's by doing the best, most effective thing to get you straight regardless of whether you think you're a wimp for seeking help. You aren't going to be able to get over this by yourself. Go get help.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

IMHO you are an addict. I know, embarrassing to be addicted to weed, but there it is. Until you fix that, you can't fix anything. I think you need to join a support group and get real about getting away from the weed.

If you love your poker, and if you love this girl, then you need to get your head straight. You don't need to be a functional alcoholic (weed-aholic?) who comes home every day, immediately gets high, and is messed up everywhere in life except on the job. It sounds like NASA is getting the best of you, and you're short-changing your interests in poker, your own health, and your relationship. Why don't you deserve for YOU to get some of your best? You've got something going for you or you'd be screwing up on the job too. Build on that something.

As far as your emotions, tilt, and so on, hard to control your emotions when you are wasted most of your non-working waking hours isn't it? Honestly, I think you would have a whole lot going for you if you just got the weed out of your life now. Something in your soul spoke to you and told you to break up the bong. Listen to your inner knowledge. Weed is fine for some people. But it isn't fine for you. Walk away.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

My girlfriend of 6 years left me a couple months ago and my game has suffered severly. I feel obligated to go out and try and get pussy or find a good new girl. Finding a girl takes time and so does poker and you ain't gonan find a girl while playing poker. I figure I should have a couple booty calls lined up shortly and my mind will be a little more clear. i had a hooker come over the other day and I played my best session in a while after she left. I guess I didn't give much advise but just lettin ya know your not the only one that's gotten taken by them heart breaking girls.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

well at least you dont have to eat ramen because youre broke

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

I think it important that you get your head on straight. Whether that means finding professional help ( there shouldnt be anything shameful about this) or having enough will power to cut the things out of your life that you know you should. It seems like you recognize the problems, and it seems like you are at a tipping point. You can let things continue like this and most likely manifest into something worse or you can take the problems youve identified and channel that into something positive.

I hear some of what you are talking about. I am starting my 5th year at school and it seems like everyone I know has graduated and moved on. I just got back from Spain and my gf and I broke up the very first month there. I spent too much time drinking in my room especially since this was supposed to be the experience of my life. eventually I stopped this and really got to know my host family. I had kind of taken them for granted the first couple months and it was great and they turned me around 110% RJ I think if you look you can definitely find some positive things that you have taken for granted as well. I hope this makes sense as I am just typing off of the top of my head but I hope you get everything straightened out. I am glad you made this post. There are a lot of people who would not have thought to seek out the help, and I think there are a lot of people here who would be willing to talk if you needed it.

John

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

i read it, and i think it was good to write it out.

as cts said, nothing anyone says will make a big difference, but I think it was still good to write it out so that you can come to understand it and make a better decision on your own.

just realize that as [censored] up as your life might seem, you're really doing fine, and you just have to find something to replace your ex in your life.

all of your problems seem to stem from a sort of depression post-breakup. but life goes on, and it could always be worse

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

It takes a little strength to put your thoughts into written words. It takes a lot of strength to subject these words to people you care about. And it takes immeasurable strength to subject yourself to the opinions of complete strangers. With this strength in hand, you are in a state where you can accomplish anything you want.

I can't tell you what it is you should do, but I certainly can tell you that I have complete faith in the fact that you can accomplish it.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

PITTM,
I read it all - as cts said you actually seem to have a good idea yourself what needs to be done. However you may not be able to "just do it", so I would strongly advise listening to ruken's advice - solid. Best of luck with everything.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

i've smoked weed my whole life, only stopping here and there briefly to pass tests...so i'm not one to preach...

to me, you gotta quit. emotions like that are only tripled by smoking. i've been in the same boat, depressed about this or that, smoke a joint by myself, and it only makes me think about things even more.

clear your head out for a month or two. you'd be surprised how clear everything seems when you haven't gotten high in a couple weeks.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

Good post.

I'll only advise you on the dope area as thats where i have the best knowledge.

1st. Dope as we all know f.cks u up in the end. That anxiety and depression is certainly at least slightly due to the psychoses effects of it.

2nd. To quit youll need to actually realise that you dont need weed. You can say you dont but its literally not until your thinking - i dont care if i smoke or not - that youve realised you dont need it.

3rd. In order to do this you NEED to detox.
This is HARD but try it for just a week. Il say again to put perspective on it JUST 1 WEEK! This will seem hard at the time but remember its 1 week for the rest of your life.

4th. After the week im pretty sure your perception of weed dependance will change.
When i used this method i admit i tried it for 5weeks, but by the 5th week my own body was making me happy enough without drugs... And i didnt want to break my 'sucess' so kept off it till about 8 weeks where i just thought i can take it or leave it, a nice treat but definetly a bad habit.

5. Please try this im 100% sure it will help.
Remember just 1 week.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

I've recently been through something similar with regards to a chick. Shortly before we split, I was having some serious issues. I was always fairly emotionally stable enough to never really lose it. Then when I just felt like things were going to hell and that it was all my fault (even though it wasn't), I just felt like I couldn't handle life anymore. This just got worse and worse. I didn't have a breakdown, but I guess this is the direction of what it would be like. I just couldn't really deal with anything. Small problems seemed so huge and everything just seemed so overwhelming that I couldn't deal with anything. After we split, all the other problems (probably similar to how you mentioned your weight, as well as things that I can deal with in a week or a month or 3 months like non-urgent money issues) seemed to be so unimportant again.

I'm still kinda on life tilt (people don't really get what that means when they use the phrase). I just kinda quit everything after breaking up. I don't go anywhere or do anything. I spent most of my spare time with her when we were together and didn't have time for other things, so steadily stopped doing lots of stuff. Then when it all went to hell, not only was I severely depressed, but I had nothing left in my life. And no motivation to do anything because everything seems so pointless in the greater scheme of things when you aren't with the person who you feel is the point of existence.

I am also the type who prefers a few close friends rather than lots of friends who are not so close. I have (or rather had) a few close friends here. One very close one moved away a couple of months ago and will be back in 3 months. Another very close one is 6 hrs drive away, but comes down every couple of weeks, but that's about it. Another is a good person but not quite as close. One other one moved away too. So I'm also in the same boat with regards to being quite isolated.

Anway, I did find that she obv didn't have the same feelings as I did because she met someone so soon after. This hurt like a kick in the nuts that lasted for hours on end for chunks of most days, but also helped me be really angry at her for lying about saying she cared which led to me allowing myself to care for her so deeply. Until I heard about this I really couldn't do anything. I guess I don't do much yet (still don't go out hardly ever), but I am moving towards a dull emptyness that I had before I was with her instead of the intense pain of thinking I ruined my possibly only chance to be really happy.



I guess if I was to give any advice, it would be that I think what you really need first is to sort things out with your woman. This really made me emotional. I suspect your anger is due to relationship issues. I would suggest meeting up with her and asking her blatantly if she cares for you enough to commit to being with you through problems. It will be horrible if the answer is no, but you need to find this out. Until then you will continue to be an emotional wreck. I just can't see how it can improve until you have the peace of mind of knowing that she will try to make things work when it gets tough. While I never tried drugs other than alcohol, I suspect that your anger is related primarily to this emotional situation than to drugs. Obv I can't comment on the drugs though. Once you get something with your woman sorted, you will see that everything else is not as overwhelming as it seems right now.




[ QUOTE ]
Here is why i feel like i have been a horrible boyfriend:

-i allowed myself to start doing drugs again which made my love show through less than it should have

[/ QUOTE ]

This is normal man. It hurts so much that just about anything that makes it stop is a completely understandable. Don't be hard on yourself for this. Obv it is bad for YOU, but has no bearing on being a bad bf.

[ QUOTE ]
-i got lazy and allowed myself to get fat. the girl i love deserves better and i am now going to work my ass off to get back into the shape i once was in.

[/ QUOTE ]

This has nothing to do with anything. If the relationship was real on her side then this means nothing. But often we don't really know exactly how the other person feels, and we are totally oblivious to this while we are high as a kite in love. Really - being fat is a non-issue.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

Sometimes its better to get things out of your head and write them, or talk to someone about them. You pretty much answered all of your questions in your OP and if you read through what you have written then you will probably understand more clearly what you have to do.

Try starting a journal so your thoughts aren't always in your head, because the difference between writing what goes on in your head and just thinking it is huge.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

I read the OP and all your posts in the thread but nothing else.

Okay, so the truth is that I hate f***ing hobby-psychiatrists and therefore I hate myself at this point, but I somehow feel that I can relate to you in some manner. Not because I have ever been crazy in love like you are now, so I skip out that part, but everything else.
My two cent of worth:

1. The poker thing. Quit it for now! Remember that you have been winning, and think of that instead of fighting for a stupid donkament win. Be proud of the fact that you are winning, and you play poker better then 90-99% of the players out there.
Maybe you'll get back to poker later.. in a year or something.

2. The weed. Just because I hate it so much, I say it again: I hate f***ing hobby-psychiatrists and therefore I hate myself at this point, but anyways I'll type something down.
So I think that you should see someone for this, because they know what they are doing, no matter what you think. But ask yourself if it's really because you need the weed or because it has become a habit of yours to be smoking when you come home? The thing is that before I go to bed I need to have a glass of milk or cocacola or orange juice. I need to have it between my bed and drink a little before I go to sleep, I also have to watch some kind of tv-show on my computer while lying down. If I don't do this, I feel insecure and have a hard time falling asleep. Doing this really helps me get a routine, it feels like my body knows that "now I can take it cool and relax".
So I think that you maybe should find something instead of the weed to make you feel secure in where you're at? I must admit, I do a lot of crazy stuff without thinking about it, but if I do, I realize that they are all habits that I do to make myself feel good. So think about it one minute, what makes you feel relaxed, apart from your weed?

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

Lay off the weed, I stopped 3 weeks ago after 7 years of getting wasted everyday. The benefits are starting to shine through. I won't write out a whole tl;dr post but smoking all the time frys your brains.

Re: My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.
 

I read the entire thing and all of the replies up until now.

ruken said pretty much what I was planning on saying. Please follow that advice. You need help, and fortunately you are in a position where you can get it.

The only thing I want to add to ruken's advice is that you should also look up your local Narcotics Anonymous meetings and start going to them. You will be in the company of other people who have experiential understanding of what you have gone through and are going through, and that kind of support is something that money cannot buy.

You might also want to call up the gf, point her to this thread, and explain to her that you are in the process of improving yourself and getting to where you want to be, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Let her know how much you love her, and be direct with her about all of this, and your intentions.

Best of luck to you.