A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

I've been playing poker for 6 or so years now, only 2 or so very seriously, and now that I've spent weeks in Las Vegas for WSOP and what not, this problem/mentality has become more apparent than ever.

I am almost afraid to play. I always try to find reasons not to go to the strip to play live, though I took the vast majority of my roll offline to do so. Even online, its like I have an innate fear of losing. To be honest, this hasn't stopped me from making money in poker; quite the contrary, I NEVER play scared money no matter if I'm playing overrolled or taking a big shot. I always play my best and if anything am sure to always try and make the very best of decisions once I do decide to sit down.

I just can't figure out why I feel this way. Once I sit im fine, and I play fine, but before this point I just skirt around the idea of playing. WHAT THE [censored] IS WRONG WITH ME?

Does anyone else ever experience this feeling with anything? This happens with things outside of poker as well...its like I innately dread doing it, but once I do it I'm happy and fine.

I love poker and love it being my primary source of income. I believe I have every quality in approach to the technical aspects of the game and mentality in terms of my emotions at the table, online etc.... but I just can't figure out why I always experience the feeling of skirting around playing until I force myself to sit down.

What say you, psych forum?

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

Is it just butterflies or is it adrenaline? If it's live play you're worried about, don't be. Nobody plays perfect so don't be afraid of looking like an idiot. Even some of the big name pros admit getting antsy before a big tourney.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

it happens a lot in sport, some porfessional players admit they hate the gameday and preparing for a game ... but

you have to remember that once you take your seat or put your name on the list... that you are trained for this, you work ahrd on your game and the only thing you should be worried about is if there will be enough racks in the poker room for you to get your chips to the cage....
i know it sounds a bit far fetched, but when youre preparing or thinking of a session, and you start getting this 'fear'.. then just take a breath and tell yourself that you have an edge in your games that you play and the reason you play.. isnt because you 'hope' to win.. it's because you are prepared in every situation and you have a massive advantage.

also.. maybe a pump up song of some sort. linkin park i like to listen to ...

anyway gl, hope this helped in some way

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

I feel the exact same thing and contribute it to a subconscious fear of failure.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

Alex,

This was basically me last year. Eventually I figured out that deep down, the pain of losing was greater than the joy of winning. I expected to win everytime I played (I miss you, Party. Come back), so it was a pretty big letdown when I didn't, even though logically I understood the concept of variance. I had a personal attachment to losing, like a bad session was a failure.

1- Stop caring about money. You don't need that much, and you have some. Whatever happens on that single day won't make a difference in your life and will likely be forgotten within a week.

2- Realize that everytime you play, you're there to make decisions, not make money. It's not enough to just say "okay, yeah I understand ev, don't be results oriented, blah blah..." You actually have to convince yourself 100%.

3-

4- Profit!

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

i would recommend making a play list of music that amps you up. listen before playing. it will help get over the gitters and get you excited about playing.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

[ QUOTE ]
I feel the exact same thing and contribute it to a subconscious fear of failure.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thank god for this thread and responses I know exactly how you feel.

Good luck to everyone trying to overcome this fear.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

thanks all, I think a lot of the suggestions here are good ones. I don't use music that much at the table for fear of losing focus but I think I should, at least at the beggining of sessions more often.

I'm going to make a conscious effort next time to vocally walk myself through what it is I'm feeling and suggestions such as bones' on making sure I don't focus on the money. Though I do feel I always try to make the best decisions, the money is inevitably an underlying factor that I should just get out of my head. Thanks for the replies, if anyone has anything else feel free to chime in, I could use all the help I can get [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

I get the same way when I am winning. Typically it helps me play better. But if I am on a hot streak I get scared of the cards breaking the other way.

Usually once I start playing, things get very natural and I have fun.

Fear use to really bother me, but then I changed my perspective of it. Now I view it as a sign of readiness.

When I was in college, I use to get nervous before a big test. However, if I knew I wasn't ready for a test I was totally calm because I already knew the outcome.

Usually when I don't feel that nervousness it is because I am tired, depressed, or tilty and shouldn't be playing.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

I made almost this exact post a few days ago in the psych forum.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

I have a fear of losing money, which has caused me to procrastinate playing poker for real money. I have been using some self help techniues with some success which I think might help u out. I use mainly 2 methods one are "affirmations" and the other I use while I am playing for fear and also to get rid of tilt that is called the "sedona method". Google it and check it out, it will prolly help if ur consisent with it.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

this is an everyday problem with me [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

This is a new problem with me, I was a freeroller that moved from two dollars to being overrolled for six dollars in a couple months. Recently I tried to move up to twelve dollar sngs and I fell flat on my face. I lost like a quarter of my bankroll in one day.
I wasn't the best player at the table, but I did get my money in good at least half the time and I was running really bad.
I swallowed my pride and dropped back down, and I moved back up like two days ago. I have been profitting, and running pretty good, but now I don't want to play because I don't want to find out I suck at these levels and have to drop back down again. I recently started playing micro cash games too, and while I am winning almost every session, I am afraid to buy back in. I'm not familiar with cash games as opposed to STTs and MTTs so I am playing lowest limit and trying to learn the differences.
I think it's just fear of running bad, running into better players, and either breaking even or losing.
Breaking even isn't the worst thing in the world, you can always make enough to play tournys at least and make that one lucky score some day.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

[ QUOTE ]
Alex,

This was basically me last year. Eventually I figured out that deep down, the pain of losing was greater than the joy of winning. I expected to win everytime I played (I miss you, Party. Come back), so it was a pretty big letdown when I didn't, even though logically I understood the concept of variance. I had a personal attachment to losing, like a bad session was a failure.

1- Stop caring about money. You don't need that much, and you have some. Whatever happens on that single day won't make a difference in your life and will likely be forgotten within a week.

2- Realize that everytime you play, you're there to make decisions, not make money. It's not enough to just say "okay, yeah I understand ev, don't be results oriented, blah blah..." You actually have to convince yourself 100%.

3-

4- Profit!

[/ QUOTE ]

Bones, great advice! Thanks! The problem OP and others have talked about in this thread applies very much to me as well.

Your point about "Whatever happens on that single day won't make a difference in your life and will likely be forgotten within a week." is spot on and is pretty easy for me to implement.

Your second point is more difficult to implement. I fully understand logically about EV decisions, and bad results are often really good in the long run if I got my money in good, etc. But how do you "convince yourself 100%"? I am convinced 100% logically, but there is an emotional or some other level that brings the fear/anxiety/tilt when results don't go my way.

I'm also curious how you were able to achieve these insights? Has your fear/anxiety gone away entirely?

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

ive been playing for 3 years. the last 200K hands have been straight upwards, only one noticably downswing which i reversed. barely any 10K breakeven streaks. i sat down and always ran well (in 2007 something like $19K up than i should be on my all in hands).

last 50K hands now breakeven. i've lost all confidence and motivation. i sit down, play, sometimes win some, then i quit after losing a few buyins, regardless of how the hand played.

anytime i lose a 2 buyins i feel gutted, and wonder what i have done to deserve this.

i wish i could offer advice, but im probably in the top 1% of sufferers from this. ask anyone in msnl who has to put up with my moaning posts.

i'm now playing 2-4nl on a 375 buyin roll. how [censored] up is it that i get so frustrated by losing 2 buyins.

all about each day progressing to a more financially secure future. any day i lose, is a day wasted (unless i havent played and had fun going out etc)

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

Exact same problem. I have no problem pushing all in on a stone bluff in nl, or 4 betting with nothing if I have a hunch the other guy will ignore pot odds and fold at limits much higher than I should be playing. But before I sit down, even if it's a $10 buy-in cash game, I get this dumb fear. I think it's a fear of failure, and it pretty much pervades my life, but it is understandably more pronounced with poker.

I don't know how to get rid of it, or even if there is a genuine way to, but thinking about how well I'm capable of playing and all the hard work I've put in (convincing myself I'm better than the other guy, and he should be afraid) oftentimes lifts me up.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

I have the same problem whigh got worse lately even though i am winning.I absolutely hate to lose and everytime i am up a few buyins i force myself to stay and play if the games are soft.Since i don't want to stay, i play worse and scared and eventually have to quit by myself.

I don't know, how to get rid of this bs, i play hugely overrolled, i am a steady winner at the games, but for some reason, everytime i play i am afraid to lose.This usually doesn't prevent me from playing reasonably well, i bluff my fair share etc but the fear just keeps on.

I think, it's because all of those losing sessions where i got few bad beats, then few bad plays, then tilted a buyin or 2 away and felt just disgusted afterwards.Those sessions are rare but everytime they happen i just feel so bad i don't want them ever to happen.

I logically understand the idea of variance, but still those losses are usually hunting me for days.
I cashed out like 3/4 of my roll and i am still overolled for the games i play at, so there is no danger whatsoever of going bust and i have a lot of money in the bank yet i still have this irrational fear all the time during my play.
For some reason though, when i was in Vegas recently and played live a lot, i didn't have that fear...

Looking forward to helpful responses in this thread...

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

[ QUOTE ]

For some reason though, when i was in Vegas recently and played live a lot, i didn't have that fear...

[/ QUOTE ]

while i'm lucky to play 500 hands online a day, i don't have a problem playing 8-12 hour sessions live! it's absolutely bizarre and depressing. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Alex,

This was basically me last year. Eventually I figured out that deep down, the pain of losing was greater than the joy of winning. I expected to win everytime I played (I miss you, Party. Come back), so it was a pretty big letdown when I didn't, even though logically I understood the concept of variance. I had a personal attachment to losing, like a bad session was a failure.

1- Stop caring about money. You don't need that much, and you have some. Whatever happens on that single day won't make a difference in your life and will likely be forgotten within a week.

2- Realize that everytime you play, you're there to make decisions, not make money. It's not enough to just say "okay, yeah I understand ev, don't be results oriented, blah blah..." You actually have to convince yourself 100%.

3-

4- Profit!

[/ QUOTE ]

Bones, great advice! Thanks! The problem OP and others have talked about in this thread applies very much to me as well.

Your point about "Whatever happens on that single day won't make a difference in your life and will likely be forgotten within a week." is spot on and is pretty easy for me to implement.

Your second point is more difficult to implement. I fully understand logically about EV decisions, and bad results are often really good in the long run if I got my money in good, etc. But how do you "convince yourself 100%"? I am convinced 100% logically, but there is an emotional or some other level that brings the fear/anxiety/tilt when results don't go my way.

I'm also curious how you were able to achieve these insights? Has your fear/anxiety gone away entirely?

[/ QUOTE ]

The insights came from really working to figure out the root of my problems. I'm naturally introspective and when I feel like I have an irrational fear or problem, I try to get to the source of it and work it out.

I've been intending to write a semi-long post in this forum, but here's the very abbreviated version. Basically all of my poker playing friends are significantly better than I am. It's become both frustrating and disheartening. The money doesn't really mean anything to me anymore, both on and off the table. I care much more about my development as a player than whether I win or lose in a particular session. That's opened up a whole new set of problems, but for the time being, it's helped me get over the "don't play out of fear of losing" mentality.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

[ QUOTE ]
I've been intending to write a semi-long post in this forum, but here's the very abbreviated version. Basically all of my poker playing friends are significantly better than I am. It's become both frustrating and disheartening. The money doesn't really mean anything to me anymore, both on and off the table. I care much more about my development as a player than whether I win or lose in a particular session. That's opened up a whole new set of problems, but for the time being, it's helped me get over the "don't play out of fear of losing" mentality.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm looking forward to this post.

OP:

This is a difficult thing to overcome, I have definitely struggled with it before.

You said it yourself: You just have to start a session. Yes, this is much harder said than done. Think of your self-control as a muscle, you have to train it to make it stronger.

The next time you experience the problem, really try to just start a session. You can even tell yourself "OK, I will fire up X tables (assuming you play cash), and I can quit after as little as one orbit."

I would guess you play for a lot longer than just that first orbit. If you do quit after one orbit, you lose a few minutes, no big deal. But it is certainly better than screwing around all day, dreading play.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

[ QUOTE ]
Is it just butterflies or is it adrenaline? If it's live play you're worried about, don't be. Nobody plays perfect so don't be afraid of looking like an idiot. Even some of the big name pros admit getting antsy before a big tourney.

[/ QUOTE ]

this may have been said already, but butterflies/adrenaline (one in the same to me) is exactly what i want to feel before any big event. before a big golf tourny, a live poker tourny, and in college before all baseball games. i just learned early in my life that those feelings are supposed to be there. my dad would tell me, that they let me know that i am focused and ready to depend on my instincts. sometimes, tho, folks may misinterpret those feelings as feelings of inadequacy/fear/failure. i say try to reassociate those nervous feelings with a winning experience/attitude, etc...you'll come around...

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

[ QUOTE ]
this may have been said already, but butterflies/adrenaline (one in the same to me) is exactly what i want to feel before any big event. before a big golf tourny, a live poker tourny, and in college before all baseball games. i just learned early in my life that those feelings are supposed to be there. my dad would tell me, that they let me know that i am focused and ready to depend on my instincts. sometimes, tho, folks may misinterpret those feelings as feelings of inadequacy/fear/failure. i say try to reassociate those nervous feelings with a winning experience/attitude, etc...you'll come around...

[/ QUOTE ]

I may try this. I learned a similar lesson through playing baseball. I used to momentarily "see stars" (spots of white light) before a game I was gonna pitch. At first it freaked me out, but I then welcomed it as a sign that I was gaining the focus I needed for the game.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
this may have been said already, but butterflies/adrenaline (one in the same to me) is exactly what i want to feel before any big event. before a big golf tourny, a live poker tourny, and in college before all baseball games. i just learned early in my life that those feelings are supposed to be there. my dad would tell me, that they let me know that i am focused and ready to depend on my instincts. sometimes, tho, folks may misinterpret those feelings as feelings of inadequacy/fear/failure. i say try to reassociate those nervous feelings with a winning experience/attitude, etc...you'll come around...

[/ QUOTE ]

I may try this. I learned a similar lesson through playing baseball. I used to momentarily "see stars" (spots of white light) before a game I was gonna pitch. At first it freaked me out, but I then welcomed it as a sign that I was gaining the focus I needed for the game.

[/ QUOTE ]

that's right whangarei...i was a freshman starter at third base and in the clean up spot in college, and i know its exactly the same for pitchers (probably to a larger extent). i call it being in the zone (i didn't originate this saying, obviously) but it's what i force myself to associate the butterflies with, even if it is a little fear...but a little fear is not bad...if there was no fear, how would there be any courage?...anyhoo....

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

I feel like that sometimes whether im running good or bad. I look at it as a minor form of Stage Fright. I just force myself to load up a few tables and im good after less then 10 minutes.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

[ QUOTE ]

i'm now playing 2-4nl on a 375 buyin roll. how [censored] up is it that i get so frustrated by losing 2 buyins.


[/ QUOTE ]

... are you serious? you have 160k in your br and you cringe at losing 1k? you do realize thats the same as losing $1 if your br is $160.

also, move up, not down, to 5/10 NL at least. you're not going to feel the wins unless it's significant to you.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

I'm slowly realizing that this problem that I outlined in the OP is a direct reflection of how I feel that I handle/approach life: I feel that I am good at certain things, and that I can work hard at them, but that it is never enough, and never quite where I want to be.

I think this also ties into people. I'm sure this is the same with a lot of you, but when people hear what I do for work, they go on the rant, either condemning it or in fascination of it. Those in fascination/awe seem to have an effect on me as blowing up what it is to me. In my mind, playing poker as my means of making money isn't such a big deal; its just another job, but most people don't see it as such, and I feel that as a result, I need to live up to a certain point to gain the acceptance and/or confirmation of success from others....I simply never feel that I've lived up to this point.

I feel that I should be making more money, playing more hands, making better decisions, etc... to achieve this acceptance as I translate it to myself, and every time I don't, or any time I screw something up (according to my own standards I suppose), I feel like there is just an insurmountable life letdown happening and I simply don't want to experience it, so by avoiding it I feel that I don't have to. By avoiding it I can talk the talk but I don't have to walk the walk [and face the failure or lack of acceptance], parse.

Finally, even though I feel that it stems from these people and these environments, I think it is really me in the end who just has some empty hole about whats being done, or lack thereof.

To clarify it really isn't anything about the actual games, I've lost 5x my current bankroll before I knew anything about 2+2 or poker in general, I think its just the place that the world seems to put me in....or the place that i'm putting myself in. And of course, it is further compounded after losing days.

Hope this helps anyone else who says they have similar thoughts, I'm not sure if any of it actually relates. This was actually a really big rant, and I'm not sure any of it makes sense. At least it functions as a blog for the night [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

[ QUOTE ]
I'm slowly realizing that this problem that I outlined in the OP is a direct reflection of how I feel that I handle/approach life

[/ QUOTE ]

As I read through your OP and your last comments I can't help but think you've hit the nail on the head with your admission that fear (anxiety, apprehension, etc)is part of your general approach to life.

There are a few aspects of this realization that I'd like to comment on.

The first thing I'd like to tell you is that fear is not just a feeling that you need to deal with or overcome. I felt many of the same feelings you've described for the first 30 years of my life. I was confident, successful, stable, and deep down always a little afraid, cautious, and apprehensive. I still am. The difference now is that I know that fear is not part of me, it is me. I am, in a phrase "fear based". This realization came to me while reading a book about enneagram personality typologies. This is a fascinating and growing study of human personalities that divides us into 9 energies/personas and serves to explain basic drives that people have. I discovered that fear is not a feeling to be dealt with so much as an intrinsic part of who I am as a person. I'm loyal, dependable, and risky. I'm cautious and I'm wary.

I've got to tell you I think it was the greatest revelation of my life to know that the fear was beyond OK. It is important and most of all useful. I play poker and win because of my cautiousness. It's the same with life. I anticipate problems and so I prepare. I deal well with tragedy because I partly expect that life is a bitch sometimes. I’ll spare you further descriptions of what it is to be me. My point is that I hear you saying you’re kind of scared sometimes and I’m telling you that it may well be part of your core personality. So much a part that it will always be a part and you will always be a little scared or apprehensive of upcoming situations. My next point is that it is the very realization that this is permanently you that will set you free to rise above emotion and live a better life.

I skirt around things as well. The difference these days is that I know why I’m doing it. So I catch myself and understand myself and give myself a bit of a break.

I just hope I helped you more than not?

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

I feel the same way, but when I sit down it usually disappears after a few minutes.

It's like everytime I sit down to play I perceive everyone at the table to be total sharks that are going to destroy me. What I continually find shocking is that often times the majority of the players are downright awful.

I played in a $125 sit n go at the WSOP and when I first sat down, I was nervous and perceived all my opponents to be great, after a few hands, I was in awe.

Sample:

Under the gun raises 3xBB, next player reraises all in (50BB), button goes all in, under the gun calls.

Under the gun has Ah5h???, next player has QQ and Button has aces. Of course, the queens won. I was shocked to see it wasn't even as tough as my $3 STT on Stars.

Next hand I'm in the cutoff with QQ and the guy to my right raised 3BB, I reraised to 9BB and he pushed on me. I was thinking I had ran into a cooler when I made the call for all my chips. He turned over Qd10d...WTF?

I saw the same crap when I played in the main event of the WSOP in 2006.

Sometimes I get that nervous feeling when I've won a few pots in a row and then I keep getting good cards and start to fear a suck out coming because people are going to think I'm raising with junk.

I also feel this way when I have had a pretty good win. I guess I fear losing it all back.

I've been thinking I need to start doing crazy S.hit like sky diving and bungy jumping so playing poker will feel like a walk in the park.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

i am seriously amazed at how accurately OP's current approach to poker reflects my own.

during march i was crushing msnl and was on top of the world. i didnt brag about it but i didnt mind letting anyone who criticised me for leaving my job to play poker know how well i was doing. but then in may i went through a horror stretch from which i have not recovered psychologically. i used to love playing, but now i make any excuse i can to avoid it. its not like im always losing, but i get way too affected by a few bad beats and im scared of the feeling of losing. its a helpless feeling and i think it primarily stems from a fear of feeling like [censored] from a loss and also a totally illogical fear of going broke (i am way overrolled for 2/4nl and i still live at home rent free). also, i think its the same for me that i feel by avoiding playing i dont have to feel like a failure, esp when i discuss my job with other people.

i honestly believe that this thread may be the most useful one i have ever read. if nothing else it has shown that there are others like me. i am currently in the process of going through and trying every technique suggested. im already feeling better about a few things so far. i will be sure to post anything that i think might be useful to others who are in a similar predicament.

thanks heaps to OP and everyone who posted useful replies. i hope we can all be crushing with confidence again soon [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

[ QUOTE ]
i am seriously amazed at how accurately OP's current approach to poker reflects my own.

[/ QUOTE ]

Me too, it's really uncanny. Especially OP's third post, where he discusses the need to confirm to others that he is indeed successful, but never quite lives up to his own standards for success. Even though I currently 'do better' than most of my friends, this description fits me perfectly.

I also have the same irrational fear of going broke. I grind STTs for a living and currently have 200 BIs in my BR. my fear of going broke is so intense that I don't think i could operate on anything less than 200 BIs. How retarded is that?

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
i am seriously amazed at how accurately OP's current approach to poker reflects my own.

[/ QUOTE ]

Me too, it's really uncanny. Especially OP's third post, where he discusses the need to confirm to others that he is indeed successful, but never quite lives up to his own standards for success. Even though I currently 'do better' than most of my friends, this description fits me perfectly.

I also have the same irrational fear of going broke. I grind STTs for a living and currently have 200 BIs in my BR. my fear of going broke is so intense that I don't think i could operate on anything less than 200 BIs. How retarded is that?

[/ QUOTE ]


Perfectly understandable for STTs [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

For some reason though, when i was in Vegas recently and played live a lot, i didn't have that fear...

[/ QUOTE ]

while i'm lucky to play 500 hands online a day, i don't have a problem playing 8-12 hour sessions live! it's absolutely bizarre and depressing. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

Playing live is so diferent than playing online. Live is a social experience that you can feel and see and touch. There's a table and chips, real people, cocktail waitresses [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]. Live is sterile and cold and technical. I have a computer repair shop and work on computers all day. I prefer live play.

My problem is that I do better in games that don't mean much (I play in a free bar league, and win many tournaments and gain lots of points during the quarter.) But when it comes to the finals I play way to tight. When I play in cash games my fear of losing money makes me play way too tight, but when I get short stacked and loosen up I start winning again. I think the answer is to have fun where ever you play and don't take the games so seriously. All we can do is play our best and accept the results. Fun is the ultimate goal. The money will follow. I'll let you know how self diagnosis turns out. [img]/images/graemlins/crazy.gif[/img]

ps. I'm glad I found this forum. Just starting to explore the psychological part of my game. Very interesting! [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

This is cool, I thought I was the only one.

Re: A unique \"fear\" of playing
 

People expect that success will make everything perfect, but when you are successful, especially in a competitive endeavor, you become more worried about failing than you were before success. You now have something to lose.

I would suggest to treat poker like a job, in every way possible. Create a regime you go through when you go to play, and only do it when you play. Play a required number of hours in a week and a month. Do everything possible to investigate where the best games are, and know your competition. Learn anything about poker you can, shore up your weakness whatever they are and exploit your strengths, and find a groups of talented poker friends to talk them over with all the time. Tell yourself, I am a great player, I am working harder than anyone else, I deserve to win. Just force yourself to play, do not allow it to be a decision each time because you will wear yourself out. If you can just make some kind of schedule for yourself, and argue yourself into agreeing to follow it, then if you can manage it for two weeks it will have formed a habit, and you will no longer be really thinking about whether you should play or not.

I have some of the problems here, I tend to stay rather over bankrolled, but don't obsess about day to day variance. I really dislike losing, am insanely competitive, and this can influence me wait longer to mimize bankroll risk, when I see others shot-taking and sometimes winning that way. Everyone has to plan for their own tendencies with poker, it just touches on too many aspects of your personality, (this includes making allowances for our failings).