My first contract hit
 

So I had my first life coaching session this afternoon. That'll be another thread if I get around to it. It was a free sample, and I'm going to do it again in a month or so.

One issue that came up was what makes me happy. Sleep! When I get enough sleep, I feel great. Ok, what causes you not to sleep? Right now, it's a woodpecker.

I am not a morning person. For the past week and a half, every morning at 6am a yellow-bodied orange-headed woodpecker tries to drill a hole in the drain pipe at the corner of the house that's right above my bed. It's really loud. Drives me nuts. Second time I looked out the window and saw him, yelled, he flew away. More yelling on subsequent days. No good. He comes right back. Now he shifts his body around the corner of the house so I can't see him.

Life coach says can you wear earplugs? Well, sure, yeah, guess I'm stupid for not doing that. But, my plan has been to buy a wood owl and put it up there, or better buy a BB gun and shoot him, then gloat over his rotting carcass and possibly eat his head. I just haven't got around to going to Wal-Mart, and it's unrealistic anyway because I won't get up at 6am to wait for him. Also, I don't have a long enough ladder to put an owl up.

Coach asked the magic question. Can you hire someone to buy an owl and put it up there? Well, sure. I'll just call Chad. Chad's a good ol' boy and does some fixit work for me here and there. Nice guy. Met him playing poker. Paints a fence well too. The coaching session ended, I called Chad, and me and Chad got to talking. I said I'd give him $100 for the carcass of that woodpecker.

Chad: "I'll be there tomorrow."

Chad will kill him a woodpecker at 5:45am, unless his painting job goes over, in which case he'll come Friday morning.

I will keep 2+2 posted.

Re: My first contract hit
 

pictures please

Re: My first contract hit
 

I'm interested in the life coaching thing. I might need some coaching.

Then again, if being a life coach consists of advising my clients to put a contract out on a woodpecker, maybe I should become a life coach myself.

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]

I'm interested in the life coaching thing. I might need some coaching.

Then again, if being a life coach consists of advising my clients to put a contract out on a woodpecker, maybe I should become a life coach myself.

[/ QUOTE ]

If you have showtime check out the penn and teller bullsh*t episode where they discuss life coaching. Freaking hillarious.

Greg

Re: My first contract hit
 

find another way.

no charge.

chez

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]

I'm interested in the life coaching thing. I might need some coaching.

[/ QUOTE ]

There's a waitress at the Venetian who would agree with you.

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

I'm interested in the life coaching thing. I might need some coaching.

Then again, if being a life coach consists of advising my clients to put a contract out on a woodpecker, maybe I should become a life coach myself.

[/ QUOTE ]

If you have showtime check out the penn and teller bullsh*t episode where they discuss life coaching. Freaking hillarious.

Greg

[/ QUOTE ]i didn't like their argument that much. I mean, life coaching isn't some profound art, but it's just like having a good motivational secretary to stay on top of you and some people that really lack in this department can really benefit.

Re: My first contract hit
 

Put tinfoil over the hole. Problem solved.

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

I'm interested in the life coaching thing. I might need some coaching.

Then again, if being a life coach consists of advising my clients to put a contract out on a woodpecker, maybe I should become a life coach myself.

[/ QUOTE ]

If you have showtime check out the penn and teller bullsh*t episode where they discuss life coaching. Freaking hillarious.

Greg

[/ QUOTE ]i didn't like their argument that much. I mean, life coaching isn't some profound art, but it's just like having a good motivational secretary to stay on top of you and some people that really lack in this department can really benefit.

[/ QUOTE ]


yeah that seems to be the biggest benefit. i'm highly motivated and already have plans for the next few years for money/better health/less stress/working towards work being optional, and for doing things that interest me, so the long-term benefits of life coaching aren't clear. however, first session she got me to fix two annoyances immediately. i figure life's annoying enough that next month she'll point out a couple more. after that who knows.

the general concept appears to be solution-oriented problem solving. identify it, fix it, next problem. i like that approach. no excuses. just suck it up and get it done. in my case, outsource vaporizing a woodpecker.

Re: My first contract hit
 

tape a bunch of cap gun caps that go off on impact up around where the little pecker likes to bang away.

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
tape a bunch of cap gun caps that go off on impact up around where the little pecker likes to bang away.

[/ QUOTE ]

this would be awesome because it would seriously tramatize the woodpecker. It would probably have to find its own life coach to work thru its emotional issues and finally be able to woodpeck again.

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
For the past week and a half, every morning at 6am a yellow-bodied orange-headed woodpecker tries to drill a hole in the drain pipe at the corner of the house that's right above my bed. It's really loud.

[/ QUOTE ]
This is mating behavior. The correct solution is to get the woodpecker laid.

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
For the past week and a half, every morning at 6am a yellow-bodied orange-headed woodpecker tries to drill a hole in the drain pipe at the corner of the house that's right above my bed. It's really loud.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is mating behavior. The correct solution is to get the woodpecker laid.

[/ QUOTE ]


he is definitely going to get screwed.

Re: My first contract hit
 

I was at my gym about 4 months ago, and I was overhearing a life coach type of session going on. It seemed interesting. From what i gather, it consisted of a guy who had his life more or less together, sharing his outlook on life to another guy.

It was really motivating me as I was working out.

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
find another way.

no charge.

[/ QUOTE ]


same

why don't you just put the wood owl/have someone else put up the wood owl instead of killing the woodpecker?

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
tape a bunch of cap gun caps that go off on impact up around where the little pecker likes to bang away.

[/ QUOTE ]


that would be YouTube worthy.


[ QUOTE ]
this would be awesome because it would seriously tramatize the woodpecker. It would probably have to find its own life coach to work thru its emotional issues and finally be able to woodpeck again.

[/ QUOTE ]


That's it I'm calling Chad. ;-)


The emo thing is more for college kids. Men have lawn envy and people they want dead. That's about it.

Re: My first contract hit
 

cmon matt, don't kill the cute little bird.

Re: My first contract hit
 

I used to have a mockingbird outside my window that would imitate car alarms from about midnight to 3 am every night. Incredibly no set of calls was ever the same. It was the craziest, loudest, hardest to ignore sound you could possibly imagine. It took me a couple nights to realize someone wasn't pulling some prank with a bullhorn or loud speaker. I just couldn't conceive that sound could come out of a living creature. Also it was the hottest summer ever in LA and I don't have AC, so closing the window really sucked.

I couldn't see the thing at night so all I could do was throw stuff in his general direction. I swear if I could have killed him right then I would have had no problem. Then I would see him during the day, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. Finally I just started spraying him with a hose and he moved down the street to torment someone else.

Save the woodpecker, save the world.
 

[ QUOTE ]
cmon matt, don't kill the cute little bird.

[/ QUOTE ]


Ok El Diablo forum, you have the chance to save a life. But you must be convincing.


Yeti: Do you eat chicken? If so, the chicken was killed for you. If you didn't eat chicken, chickens would live. Is the moral issue that it's ok to eat chickens because you don't kill the chicken yourself? If so, you outsource chicken killing and it's ok?

I ate chicken for lunch, and the chicken did nothing to me. This woodpecker is causing me to lose sleep, and if he breeds more will come. I may need to eat him to justify the kill though.

Re: Save the woodpecker, save the world.
 

[ QUOTE ]
Yeti: Do you eat chicken? If so, the chicken was killed for you. If you didn't eat chicken, chickens would live. Is the moral issue that it's ok to eat chickens because you don't kill the chicken yourself? If so, you outsource chicken killing and it's ok?

I ate chicken for lunch, and the chicken did nothing to me. This woodpecker is causing me to lose sleep, and if he breeds more will come. I may need to eat him to justify the kill though.

[/ QUOTE ]

If he breeds, it doesn't mean the whole family is all going to come bang on your house together.

Try the wood owl.

Re: Save the woodpecker, save the world.
 

Matt,

Obviously there is little way I can convincingly win this argument, haha.

I'm a big meat-eater. My lame excuse is that the chicken was raised to be eaten, whereas the woodpecker is just a defenseless wild animal.

Similarly, I don't agree with people shooting moose and deer for fun. Even if it is to eat them I feel really uneasy about it, as if they are somehow 'better' than a chicken or a cow. Obviously it doesn't make much sense, but no doubt it's a commonly held viewpoint.

Re: Save the woodpecker, save the world.
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
cmon matt, don't kill the cute little bird.

[/ QUOTE ]


Ok El Diablo forum, you have the chance to save a life. But you must be convincing.


Yeti: Do you eat chicken? If so, the chicken was killed for you. If you didn't eat chicken, chickens would live. Is the moral issue that it's ok to eat chickens because you don't kill the chicken yourself? If so, you outsource chicken killing and it's ok?

I ate chicken for lunch, and the chicken did nothing to me. This woodpecker is causing me to lose sleep, and if he breeds more will come. I may need to eat him to justify the kill though.

[/ QUOTE ]
Trip report of eating the woodpecker please.

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
For the past week and a half, every morning at 6am a yellow-bodied orange-headed woodpecker tries to drill a hole in the drain pipe at the corner of the house that's right above my bed. It's really loud.

[/ QUOTE ]
This is mating behavior. The correct solution is to get the woodpecker laid.

[/ QUOTE ]

More importantly, once he does get laid, he will stop. We had one of these a couple of years ago. It didn't take very long before he just went away.

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
For the past week and a half, every morning at 6am a yellow-bodied orange-headed woodpecker tries to drill a hole in the drain pipe at the corner of the house that's right above my bed. It's really loud.

[/ QUOTE ]
This is mating behavior. The correct solution is to get the woodpecker laid.

[/ QUOTE ]

More importantly, once he does get laid, he will stop. We had one of these a couple of years ago. It didn't take very long before he just went away.

[/ QUOTE ]
Won't that just make more woodpeckers?

Re: My first contract hit
 

Evan,

If one is against eating meat, but not abortion, then you could just have an omelet in a month or whatever and solve that problem, too.

Re: My first contract hit
 

Matt,

Kill the cute little bird. Sweet dreams.

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
Evan,

If one is against eating meat, but not abortion, then you could just have an omelet in a month or whatever and solve that problem, too.

[/ QUOTE ]
I have no idea why this is directed at me.

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

More importantly, once he does get laid, he will stop. We had one of these a couple of years ago. It didn't take very long before he just went away.

[/ QUOTE ]
Won't that just make more woodpeckers?

[/ QUOTE ]
Who will grow up to bother other people, if they aren't eaten by badgers first.

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

More importantly, once he does get laid, he will stop. We had one of these a couple of years ago. It didn't take very long before he just went away.

[/ QUOTE ]
Won't that just make more woodpeckers?

[/ QUOTE ]
Who will grow up to bother other people, if they aren't eaten by badgers first.

[/ QUOTE ]
So what you're saying is that Matt should get a badger? Where's he supposed to find time to hunt down a badger?

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]

So what you're saying is that Matt should get a badger? Where's he supposed to find time to hunt down a badger?

[/ QUOTE ]
He should have Chad do it.

Re: My first contract hit
 

i can't remember the last time i got mad at an animal for doing what i would do if i were in their shoes. i think it's cute if a canadian goose walks in front of my car, [censored] all over the street, and then hisses at me if i get out and try to get him to move because honking just isn't doing the job. i just think to myself, "if i were a goose i'd walk in front of their cars and hiss because you know what? eff them!!" i like that their program is working out for them.

and of all annoying animals with annoying traits, i might get the biggest kick out of woodpeckers. a friend had one at his house and i thought it was adorable. he didn't kill it, maybe he did the owl thing and it worked. maybe this handyman guy of yours will do the owl thing and then kill him if it doesn't work for the same hundo? tell him that your wife, gf, or some other weak-hearted person put you up to it but we all know it was me. i don't have a really compelling reason, but fwiw it would make me really happy if you at least gave the alternative a shot first. and just to cover the meat-eating hypocrisy test you issued earlier, i've cut my meat intake by about 95% over the last several months. i might post about it.

p.s. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life_coaching is revealing for those of us that had never heard the term

Re: Save the woodpecker, save the world.
 

use the bb gun, I had the same problem with a god damn woodpecker banging away at my fireplace vent, he doesnt fly off when i walk out the front door, so i shot him with my red ryder that i got when i was ten, it didnt kill him but i think it stung him and he never returned.

Re: My first contract hit
 

Matt,

You have termites.

Re: My first contract hit
 

I don't approve of killing the bird. But I do approve of the awesomeness of this thread.

Re: My first contract hit
 

is this OOT?

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
I am not a morning person. For the past week and a half, every morning at 6am a yellow-bodied orange-headed woodpecker tries to drill a hole in the drain pipe at the corner of the house that's right above my bed. It's really loud. Drives me nuts. Second time I looked out the window and saw him, yelled, he flew away. More yelling on subsequent days. No good. He comes right back. Now he shifts his body around the corner of the house so I can't see him.

[/ QUOTE ]

this is hilarious. i can barely see, but its really funny. bwahhaha i havent read the rest but i wanted to quote it and say lol.

Update
 

So I got woken up again today an hour later than normal by my little pecker. He pecked once, then stopped. No carcass left for me. However, I did find a beer can in the corner of the back yard. Standard. I started to do a slow and careful scan of all visible neighboring property in the line of fire, then remembered the cardinal rule - deny, deny, deny - and hightailed it back into the house.

If the little guy got laid, then problem solved for this year, and I move from contacting gansta to pimp playa, oscillatin' from the G to the P, Snoop Dog yo, etc., flash gang sign, etc.

I'm thinking of pardoning the guy. But Chad's not answering his phone. I may not be able to call off the hit. If Chad doesn't answer, I will need woodpecker recipes, preferably grilled. If Chad answers, I'll price out biologic warfare via capturing a badger.

Re: Update
 

Can't you just tape a rubber snake to the drain pipe & be done? If that doesn't work, then call Chad.

Re: Update
 

awesome thread. A+ for flynn, yeti, astro, and stuey.

Re: My first contract hit
 

[ QUOTE ]
I said I'd give him $100 for the carcass of that woodpecker.

[/ QUOTE ]It seems that this could get Chad and possibly yourself in trouble with the law.

From the link: [ QUOTE ]
Woodpeckers are a federally protected bird under the North American Migratory Bird Act. Do not use lethal control on woodpeckers without contacting your Federal Wildlife Officer. You will need to institute non-lethal control strategies before you will receive permission to implement lethal control.

[/ QUOTE ]