Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

Ok I know this is probably a subjective decision but I wanted to get input from other smart people on this forum.

If you love a girl and are extremely compatible with her, it is then fair to say that she is "marriage material?" But here is the dilemma, she has an STD. Therefore, if you do commit to sexual relations, which almost everyone does if two people are in love. You will inevitabley get the STD that she has, do you still proceed?

I know that true compatiability is very rare, therefore I do not take this question lightly. Is an STD for the rest of your life worth a "chance" to find someone that you could spend forever with?

Let me also note that I have never been more attracted to someone and I have met a decent amout of girls. I am leaning towards the commitment with the possiblity of getting an STD and having her break up with me in a year or so, but that is the calculated risk.

If you were in a similar situation how would you proceed?

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

Eh, no big deal. Marital problems are even worse. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
Ok I know this is probably a subjective decision but I wanted to get input from other smart people on this forum.

If you love a girl and are extremely compatible with her, it is then fair to say that she is "marriage material?" But here is the dilemma, she has an STD. Therefore, if you do commit to sexual relations, which almost everyone does if two people are in love. You will inevitabley get the STD that she has, do you still proceed?

I know that true compatiability is very rare, therefore I do not take this question lightly. Is an STD for the rest of your life worth a "chance" to find someone that you could spend forever with?

Let me also note that I have never been more attracted to someone and I have met a decent amout of girls. I am leaning towards the commitment with the possiblity of getting an STD and having her break up with me in a year or so, but that is the calculated risk.

If you were in a similar situation how would you proceed?

[/ QUOTE ]
I dont know how I would proceed - but are there not ways to avoid contracting the disease yourself? My first instinct is lifetime partnership including safe-sex (and a hope that a cure will be discovered). This seems better than resigning yourself to getting sick too (additionally - does she feel the same way if she is happy for you to risk getting her disease? If I was her, I think I'd be insisting my true love not get infected also).

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Ok I know this is probably a subjective decision but I wanted to get input from other smart people on this forum.

If you love a girl and are extremely compatible with her, it is then fair to say that she is "marriage material?" But here is the dilemma, she has an STD. Therefore, if you do commit to sexual relations, which almost everyone does if two people are in love. You will inevitabley get the STD that she has, do you still proceed?

I know that true compatiability is very rare, therefore I do not take this question lightly. Is an STD for the rest of your life worth a "chance" to find someone that you could spend forever with?

Let me also note that I have never been more attracted to someone and I have met a decent amout of girls. I am leaning towards the commitment with the possiblity of getting an STD and having her break up with me in a year or so, but that is the calculated risk.

If you were in a similar situation how would you proceed?

[/ QUOTE ]
I dont know how I would proceed - but are there not ways to avoid contracting the disease yourself? My first instinct is lifetime partnership including safe-sex (and a hope that a cure will be discovered). This seems better than resigning yourself to getting sick too (additionally - does she feel the same way if she is happy for you to risk getting her disease? If I was her, I think I'd be insisting my true love not get infected also).

[/ QUOTE ]

Condoms CAN prevent the STD but it is hit or miss. Sometimes it can still go through the condom. Would the best approach to remain abstinent or to just say f.ck it and have sex knowing that I will ultimately get an STD. There is no cure for herpes at this time.

I know that relationships are not all about sex but showing physical affection for each other is definitely an important
aspect especially if you sleep in the same bed.

Remaining abstinent while "waiting for a cure" seems unreasonable.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

Could always seal it in Durex, pinhole it. Um.

I dunno, man. Do you love the woman?

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
Condoms CAN prevent the STD but it is hit or miss. Sometimes it can still go through the condom. Would the best approach to remain abstinent or to just say f.ck it and have sex knowing that I will ultimately get an STD. There is no cure for herpes at this time.

I know that relationships are not all about sex but showing physical affection for each other is definitely an important
aspect especially if you sleep in the same bed.

Remaining abstinent while "waiting for a cure" seems unreasonable.

[/ QUOTE ]
Abstinence while waiting for a cure would probably be tough. I dont know if it's pertinent/rude to ask or not, but I'd repeat the question - is she happy with you risking infection?

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
Could always seal it in Durex, pinhole it. Um.

I dunno, man. Do you love the woman?

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah I do. She gave her only boyfriend herpes before she found out she had it. So now he has it and she stayed with him for 3 years until I met her. I told her she shouldn't stay with someone because of guilt, she eventually broke up with him.

My deepest fear is that I am with her and get the disease, then a few years down the line we break up and I am left physically and emotionally f.ucked.

I am still strongly considering being with her though.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Condoms CAN prevent the STD but it is hit or miss. Sometimes it can still go through the condom. Would the best approach to remain abstinent or to just say f.ck it and have sex knowing that I will ultimately get an STD. There is no cure for herpes at this time.

I know that relationships are not all about sex but showing physical affection for each other is definitely an important
aspect especially if you sleep in the same bed.

Remaining abstinent while "waiting for a cure" seems unreasonable.

[/ QUOTE ]
Abstinence while waiting for a cure would probably be tough. I dont know if it's pertinent/rude to ask or not, but I'd repeat the question - is she happy with you risking infection?

[/ QUOTE ]

She said it is my choice but that she would be with me regardless of sex or not.

My problem is I want sex and I know she does too. It is hard to resist the urge especially because I know I am at the age when my sex drive is at its strongest.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

Give each other hand jobs while you figure it out.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

Depends on the STI I suppose. HIV might make me blink a few times and have a long conversation, everything else either treatable or fairly inconsequential.

STIs are still way overly stigmatized for something so friggin common (HPV for example is now commonly put at 30-50% of all sexually active people 15-25 in the US).

Besides, unless you're a virgin there's a decent chance that you are already an asymptomatic carrier for HPV or herpes (no test for HPV in males, herpes tests fairly unreliable). The majority of males with the two STIs above (and I'm guessing you are talking about one of those since gon/chla/syph are all treatable) are asymtpomatic.

If you "love" someone, and yet you are considering dumping them because they have an STI, then you should probably go back and look at what you think love and commitment are about.

Now if you just want to have a one night stand and you find out your sex partner has an STI, there's perhaps reason to move on to another pasture, but that's another story.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

I'll do a little bit of "science" part:

A) While people believe that "true compatibility" is very rare, most people who describe that they have met someone that is compatible with them will meet several people that they believe they are "compatible" with throughout their lives.

B) Most relationships that are considered excellent by the participants prior to year four are viewed as considerably less excellent after year four (on the rare occasions that they still exist).

C) Obviously what STD it is is important. If it's treatable or minor...

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

so herpes then-

what's the worst case scenario - you're with her, you contract it, you break up.

So maybe for the rest of your life you are a little itchy a couple times a year, or quite often, you get a few outbreaks and then spend the rest of your life symptom free.

Herpes prevalence is estimated at between 10-25% of all sexually active people between the ages of 15-25 (only about 10% know it) so it's really not all that uncommon and really not all that big of a deal.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
I'll do a little bit of "science" part:

A) While people believe that "true compatibility" is very rare, most people who describe that they have met someone that is compatible with them will meet several people that they believe they are "compatible" with throughout their lives.

B) Most relationships that are considered excellent by the participants prior to year four are viewed as considerably less excellent after year four (on the rare occasions that they still exist).

C) Obviously what STD it is is important. If it's treatable or minor...

[/ QUOTE ]

QFT.This is probably your best post ever.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

Since you've clarified that it's herpes - if you use a condom only when she has a visible outbreak, your chances of contracting it would actually be very low.

But even if they weren't, it's just not that big a deal. If it's a serious relationship I say just don't worry about it. I'd live with contracting herpes in a long-term relationship, and certainly in a marriage - it's better than the alternatives.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
Depends on the STI I suppose. HIV might make me blink a few times and have a long conversation, everything else either treatable or fairly inconsequential.

STIs are still way overly stigmatized for something so friggin common (HPV for example is now commonly put at 30-50% of all sexually active people 15-25 in the US).

Besides, unless you're a virgin there's a decent chance that you are already an asymptomatic carrier for HPV or herpes (no test for HPV in males, herpes tests fairly unreliable). The majority of males with the two STIs above (and I'm guessing you are talking about one of those since gon/chla/syph are all treatable) are asymtpomatic.

If you "love" someone, and yet you are considering dumping them because they have an STI, then you should probably go back and look at what you think love and commitment are about.

Now if you just want to have a one night stand and you find out your sex partner has an STI, there's perhaps reason to move on to another pasture, but that's another story.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah herpes is treatable. As far as considering dumping I wasn't really considering it at all I just wanted to hear other people's opinions about it.

Thanks for the information.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]

Since you've clarified that it's herpes - if you use a condom only when she has a visible outbreak, your chances of contracting it would actually be very low.

But even if they weren't, it's just not that big a deal. If it's a serious relationship I say just don't worry about it. I'd live with contracting herpes in a long-term relationship, and certainly in a marriage - it's better than the alternatives.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah I tend to agree. I think finding a mate that stimulates you both physically and intellectually is worth the price of any treatable disease.

Alternative is lonliness.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

Unless you are ugly as sin with a 1" micro-penis, you should leave her and find someone else. There is no such thing as "the one", there are many "the ones". Further, no matter how much in love you are today, I guarantee that you will not feel the same way 5-years from now and you will regret and very likely resent her for the "gift" that she is about to give you.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
Unless you are ugly as sin with a 1" micro-penis, you should leave her and find someone else. There is no such thing as "the one", there are many "the ones". Further, no matter how much in love you are today, I guarantee that you will not feel the same way 5-years from now and you will regret and very likely resent her for the "gift" that she is about to give you.

[/ QUOTE ]

While I agree their is no such thing as a "soulmate," I must concede that the probability of me finding someone as good looking,smart,funny,understanding etc, and that feels the same way about me as I do her is very low.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]

Since you've clarified that it's herpes - if you use a condom only when she has a visible outbreak, your chances of contracting it would actually be very low.

But even if they weren't, it's just not that big a deal. If it's a serious relationship I say just don't worry about it. I'd live with contracting herpes in a long-term relationship, and certainly in a marriage - it's better than the alternatives.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah I tend to agree. I think finding a mate that stimulates you both physically and intellectually is worth the price of any treatable disease.

Alternative is lonliness.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't disagree. As to whether I'd make the same decision, well. It depends on the woman, really.

But if you love her enough to take those kinds of risks, I can't imagine that'd be a love that'd disintegrate in a few years, so.

Good luck.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]

B) Most relationships that are considered excellent by the participants prior to year four are viewed as considerably less excellent after year four (on the rare occasions that they still exist).

[/ QUOTE ]

Humans are probably best described as "serial monogamists" [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

I don't think "soulmate" discussions even enter into it. We're not talking about a suicide pact here, we're talking about a mildly annoying and very common STI.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
Unless you are ugly as sin with a 1" micro-penis, you should leave her and find someone else. There is no such thing as "the one", there are many "the ones". Further, no matter how much in love you are today, I guarantee that you will not feel the same way 5-years from now and you will regret and very likely resent her for the "gift" that she is about to give you.

[/ QUOTE ]

Congrats on the worst post in the thread. Taboo as it may be...ITS FREAKING TEH HERP. Who cares? Its not that big of a deal, honestly, and yes, you can just use condoms until you are married/dont want to anymore/are committed. The whole time I was reading this thread I was thinking "This had better be HIV" and then I find out its herpes. I guess thats better than like syph or the clap or something, but seriously, theres a good chance you are gonna get herpes anyway. I wouldnt let this impact your decision in any real way.

Edit: You cant get herpes from SIIHP. ITS A MEDICAL FACT.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

In all seriousness, please recognize that you will not feel this way about her after X-years. Also, I do believe that there are soul mates, tons and tons of them.

Your reply raises a question that I think highlights some very real concerns. Where do you rate yourself, where do you rate her and where does she rate herself and you in your relationship? At or near equal has to be the answer for all, otherwise the unequal dynamics will overwhelm one of you.

How old are you? If you are over 27 and you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman, I would consider disregarding the std. But, if you are under that age, I would let her go. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

Do you care about her?

I mean, Propertarian's post was great, but screw the science.

Are you looking at her as a rare prize or do you care about her?

Anyhow, just have very safe sex and it's entirely possible you won't contract it any time before you break up.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
Do you care about her?

I mean, Propertarian's post was great, but screw the science.

Are you looking at her as a rare prize or do you care about her?

Anyhow, just have very safe sex and it's entirely possible you won't contract it any time before you break up.

[/ QUOTE ]

No I care about her a lot. I think I'm going to go for it and just wear condoms until I feel ready.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
In all seriousness, please recognize that you will not feel this way about her after X-years. Also, I do believe that there are soul mates, tons and tons of them.

Your reply raises a question that I think highlights some very real concerns. Where do you rate yourself, where do you rate her and where does she rate herself and you in your relationship? At or near equal has to be the answer for all, otherwise the unequal dynamics will overwhelm one of you.

How old are you? If you are over 27 and you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman, I would consider disregarding the std. But, if you are under that age, I would let her go. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[/ QUOTE ]

Why do ages even matter? That seems a bit arbitrary to assign some random age as the cutoff as to whether I stay with her or not.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

I would post this in OOT if I were you.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
Are you looking at her as a rare prize or do you care about her?

[/ QUOTE ]

Have to admit I was thinking the same when reading the OP. But I think the answer on the herpes question is the same regardless.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Are you looking at her as a rare prize or do you care about her?

[/ QUOTE ]

Have to admit I was thinking the same when reading the OP. But I think the answer on the herpes question is the same regardless.

[/ QUOTE ]

She's in "my league." If that's what you're getting at. But yeah I posted it in the OOT forum, thanks for your replies.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

That's not what I meant. And I doubt it's what mad meant - but he can clarify that I'm sure. The point is you didn't once mention or register how she feels or might feel in your OP, you just presented a value decision in terms of what you get out of it.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
That's not what I meant. And I doubt it's what mad meant - but he can clarify that I'm sure. The point is you didn't once mention or register how she feels or might feel in your OP, you just presented a value decision in terms of what you get out of it.

[/ QUOTE ]

Oh I see. Yeah she feels similar but feels insecure about her std etc. I would definitely make sure the feeling was mutual before I took the relationship to the next level.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

Thanks. I agree that I may have been crass. But, the point is valid. If the op doesn't believe that he has any potential for future prospects than he could factor that into his decision. Although, that would raise several other issues. Other than that, he should move on.

Genital herpes is serious and is definitely a big deal.

http://www.femail.com.au/genitalherpes.htm http://a248.e.akamai.net/7/248/430/2...tes/p164_2.gif

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
Thanks. I agree that I may have been crass. But, the point is valid. If the op doesn't believe that he has any potential for future prospects than he could factor that into his decision. Although, that would raise several other issues. Other than that, he should move on.

Genital herpes is serious and is definitely a big deal.

http://www.femail.com.au/genitalherpes.htm http://a248.e.akamai.net/7/248/430/2...tes/p164_2.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

Well I definitely believe I can get other girls but I find it hard to believe any would be as the one I have now. Let alone even if I did find a girl that is as good, that she would be into me as much as I'm into her. All of that needs to be in the equation.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

Speed:

Go to several herpes 2 sites and research the disease. There is little to no accurate info in this thread. After you fully understand the price you will very likely pay, you can at least make an educated and informed decision.

Regarding my original reply, I apologize if I was flip in any way. I honestly thought you were screwing around and that other people responding were just fueling the joke.

But, please note that I stand behind my post. If you leave this girl and move onto others, you will find another girl who is as good or better than who you are with now. I would only consider disregarding the std if I were going to spend the rest of my life with this woman and I was so in love with her that I couldn't live without her.

If you contract this std, you will be affected for life. If you then break up with this girl, you will be left with the consequences of this disease for the rest of your life. New relationships, jobs, insurance will all be affected by your std.

I would not make this decision lightly.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

thanks for ambushing us with the inline pic [censored].

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

Most of the replies are dismissing herpes as a minor inconvenience and are encouraging the OP to disregard the disease. There are many serious consequences if infected, the least of which, imo, is represented in the picture.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
Speed:

Go to several herpes 2 sites and research the disease. There is little to no accurate info in this thread. After you fully understand the price you will very likely pay, you can at least make an educated and informed decision.

Regarding my original reply, I apologize if I was flip in any way. I honestly thought you were screwing around and that other people responding were just fueling the joke.

But, please note that I stand behind my post. If you leave this girl and move onto others, you will find another girl who is as good or better than who you are with now. I would only consider disregarding the std if I were going to spend the rest of my life with this woman and I was so in love with her that I couldn't live without her.

If you contract this std, you will be affected for life. If you then break up with this girl, you will be left with the consequences of this disease for the rest of your life. New relationships, jobs, insurance will all be affected by your std.

I would not make this decision lightly.

[/ QUOTE ]

While I agree I will definitely be affected, I don't know if you can accurately make a statement that I would find a better girl. As for now I will research the disease more thouroughly so I know exactly what I am dealing with.

Either way this is a big decision because A. I have herpes, but am with the girl that I want to be with forever. B. I break off the relationship and run the risk of never finding an equal.

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
If you contract this std, you will be affected for life. If you then break up with this girl, you will be left with the consequences of this disease for the rest of your life. New relationships, jobs, insurance will all be affected by your std.

I would not make this decision lightly.

[/ QUOTE ]

BPA: WTF are you talking about?

jobs? insurance?

Ever heard about HIPAA? There's no way anyone at your job is going to find out your medical information legally. Insurance? At most herpes is a minor pre-existing condition and if someone was currently taking antiviral drugs for it they might not be covered for like 6 months but most cities have sliding scale sexual health clinics anyway.

FACT: HSV2 infection rates are estimated at between 1 in 6 and 1 in 4 of sexually active people in the US.

FACT: Many people infected with HSV2 never have any symptoms, or only have outbreaks when sick/stressed (if you get cold sores, same thing)

FACT: HSV2 is extremely common since most people don't know they have it and it can be spread without ever having symptoms

FACT: Most people with herpes find out that it doesn't affect their relationship/sex lives near as much as they thought it would.

--

It's always a personal issue when it comes to comfort zones around level of risk, exposure, etc and it sounds like OP is in the process of thinking through a lot of those things. There's no right or wrong answer, people decide to be in or not be in relationships for all kinds of reasons that other people would have no problems with (socioeconomic status, race, relatives, appearance, not liking poker, substance use, etc, etc, etc) But for the vast majority of people herpes really isn't that big of a deal once they learn about it and live with it for awhile.

(and yes, I volunteer as a sex educator for teenagers)

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

Fairly standard questions:

Is the disease going to cut decades off your lifespan?

Do you love her enough that even if this was a consequence, you'd be happier spending your life with her rather than finding someone you don't love as you do her?

Re: Love a girl but there is a dilemma
 

[ QUOTE ]
Fairly standard questions:

Is the disease going to cut decades off your lifespan?

Do you love her enough that even if this was a consequence,you'd be happier spending your life with her rather than finding someone you don't love as you do her?

[/ QUOTE ]

No it would not cut any length of my lifespan. The disease in question is herpes.

It depends on how many decades? 5 decades, probably not(but not 100% on this). 3 decades, yes.