Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

Just three days ago I moved back into my old flat. Well, I'd lived there for six months last year on a short-term let. Now the third flatmate's left for good so they invited me to come back. I'm sharing with a Frenchman in his early 30s, and a 36 year old Italian. I became good friends with the Italian, and found we got on better after leaving the flat. He is a compulsive note-leaver and quibbler. Along with a text message I got this classic passive-aggressive email this morning; I enclose my replies. So because he starts work at 9.30, he demands that the flat is silent between 11pm and, say, 8am? As he knows, as he knew when he asked me back to the flat, I work 2.30pm to 10.30pm so am likely to be up when he's asleep. I got up at 6am this morning to cycle to an all-night Internet cafe to play poker, since the wireless in the flat is down and the Frenchman who's in charge of it hasn't sorted it out. In doing so, I woke up the Italian. He seems to like to sleep with his door open (together with putting pans of tap water on top of every radiator since he says the air in the flat is too dry). So who's being unreasonable here?

C wrote:

Dear Jimm
I've already communicated yesterday to M the fact
that internet wasn't working and he called the company
that provide us the service.
After double checking again,yesterday evening I told
him again to call them back to make sure that it'll be
working again asap.
I'd like to remind you to please strive to be as
silent as possible in the evenings and at night as a
good night sleep is really important to me!
If you could please avoid to use the kettle and flush
the toilet at 6am in the morning I'd be happy.
I understand that especially working those late shifts
we have completely different schedules, and obviously
we have different needs, but again I'd be grateful if
you could be a bit more silent.
Have a nice day,
Regards!
C

______________________________

Jimm wrote:

Sorry for waking you up, but I didn't even realise you were in. At 11pm when I got back there was no sound from you, and your door wasn't closed, so I thought you were out.
But please let's not communicate by text, email or written note - I find it rude, and it ends up like this:
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/
Let's always talk in person - after all we live in the same flat.

______________________________

C wrote:

Excuse me, but most probably I won't see you this week
as I'm gonna go to bed early every night. From
tomorrow I start to work every day at 9.30.
Claudio

______________________________

Jimm wrote:

Okay, I understand - but why don't you close your door? If you need air, open a window a little. If you won't close your door, of course you'll be disturbed by anyone moving between 11pm-8am!
I always wake up around 6-7am (even when I start work late!) and need the bathroom. . There's not much I can do about that.
But, yes, I'll make sure not to use the kettle or bang around etc.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

your roommates suck. don't use the toilet, wtf? next time just piss on his door.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

he is gonna chop you up into little pieces, mix your blood with tomatoes and sell it as home made spaghetti sauce.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

Although Claudio's request is pretty unreasonable (don't use the toilet? lol), I don't think his note is really that passive aggressive. It actually seemed pretty polite, imo.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

I don't see what you can do. Flushing the toilet is kind of necessity. You basically need to ignore him and eventually find a new lace to live. The relationship won't improve.

Roommates suck. If you can afford a place on your own I would suggest that.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
I don't see what you can do. Flushing the toilet is kind of necessity. You basically need to ignore him and eventually find a new lace to live. The relationship won't improve.

Roommates suck. If you can afford a place on your own I would suggest that.

[/ QUOTE ]


But I just moved in on Saturday!

Dang, I'd forgotten how he is great to have as a friend, but a pain to live with.

Oh well, beats living with my parents. I think.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

maybe you should drop a stinky deuce and he can flush it in the morning

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

jimm, he doesnt sound passive-aggressive at all. he's pretty direct w/ his request unless there's some unspoken information to interpret. i thought he sounded rather nice in doing so and your initial response strikes me as passive-aggressive since you say "sorry" and the essentially tell him he needs to change and youre not going to do anything different.

other than the bathroom request, it sounds reasonable and a nice note. i wouldnt have a problem w/ it.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

It's never too late to pass it off like you're illiterate and can't read his notes.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

Buy him earplugs?

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
jimm, he doesnt sound passive-aggressive at all. he's pretty direct w/ his request unless there's some unspoken information to interpret. i thought he sounded rather nice in doing so and your initial response strikes me as passive-aggressive since you say "sorry" and the essentially tell him he needs to change and youre not going to do anything different.

other than the bathroom request, it sounds reasonable and a nice note. i wouldnt have a problem w/ it.

[/ QUOTE ]



Yes, I see your point. But why does he need to make a big deal about me apparently waking him up when he's had 7+ hours sleep and has chosen to sleep with his door ajar?
Does every flatshare really have to follow the dictat of the longest-sleeping member?
He has a dead-end job and isn't studying for anything, so what does it matter?

If he and the Frenchman had, in the last week, bothered to get the Internet connection fixed (I think there's a problem with the line) then I'd not have needed to noisily get up at 6am and cycle across town in the rain to play PLO in a 24 hour Internet cafe, since I could have done it on my laptop from the warmth of my bed. So I was more inconvenienced than he was.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]

Yes, I see your point. But why does he need to make a big deal about me apparently waking him up when he's had 7+ hours sleep and has chosen to sleep with his door ajar?
Does every flatshare really have to follow the dictat of the longest-sleeping member?
He has a dead-end job and isn't studying for anything, so what does it matter?

If he and the Frenchman had, in the last week, bothered to get the Internet connection fixed (I think there's a problem with the line) then I'd not have needed to noisily get up at 6am and cycle across town in the rain to play PLO in a 24 hour Internet cafe, since I could have done it on my laptop from the warmth of my bed. So I was more inconvenienced than he was.

[/ QUOTE ]

people dont like to be woken up no matter what kind of job they have. as far as the internet goes, i would guess they havent done anything about it because it's not as pressing an issue to them as it is to you. maybe you should offer to take over that chore.

the ideas in your responses to him seemed reasonable. they just lacked the usual charm that your 2+2 posts have.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
maybe you should drop a stinky deuce and he can flush it in the morning

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

In my first year of Uni, I shared a 5-person flat. Because I'd taken a gap year (year out between school and uni), I was put in with 3x 3rd year exchange students from other countries and another fellow 1st year who'd gapped.

Our 5th wheel, as it were, was a Swiss guy who left the very same passive aggressive notes. It was comments like "be quiet" when he'd gone to bed, "shut the door quietly", if one of us put something in the [communal] fridge that wasn't totally cling-filmed (saran wrapped?) he'd wrap it and write in sharpie marker "do it yourself next time", etc. etc.

It was annoying, but it didn't stop me not wrapping my crap in the fridge. When he kind of freaked out about how unfair it was we didn't submit to his demands, I pointed out that I was a domestic first year student, and that kind of meant i was gonna a) stick my food in the fridge without high concerns for covering it, b) stay out all night drinking and come back at 3am, perhaps shutting the door a mite louder than usual, c) have friends round playing old school NES games whilst we smoked weed and that if he didn't like it, as the 3rd year foreign exchange he surely had every right to request a transfer to another flat.

Of course, you don't have that luxury, exchange is off. So, I would suggest the following compromises.

1) Lavatory - agree on a "if it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down" rule for any time of day. I'm cool finding piss in the toilet in the morning, but someones turds they can flush themselves, even at the risk of rousing me at 4am.

2) Get a kettle to put in your room, man. Fill it from any old sink, but hey, why not.

3) He shuts his door when he is sleeping. Not only does this a) let you know he's asleep and can vary your noise accordingly, it's b) more sensible for both of you in terms of noise allowances

4) He gets pans of water off all the goddam radiators in the house except in his room unless the other flatmates agree to it. wtf is with this weirdness, if i wanted to live in a steam room I would.

I think if he shuts his door (totally acceptable) and you boiled water in your room, and you had a flat policy on toilet flushing protocol, you'd be pretty tip top.


edit: oh, hey yeah that site reminded me, he freaked out about us not washing up straight away either. Even though I provided nearly 100% of the crockery and utensils for the flat.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

I could never live with a nitty roomate

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

While nothing annoys me quite like people waking me up by being unnecessarily loud, it is also the responsibility of the sleeper to take steps to avoid being awaken. Earplugs is a good one. Personally, I use a fan. I actually find a complete lack of noise to be loud in itself - "the silence is deafening", as the saying goes. And of course any noise that breaks this silence is that much louder. With a fan set to medium speed most sound is drowned out and I am almost never awaken (well, it doesn't hurt that I live alone, the walls are thick, and the old broad who lives above me lives in a bedroom that isn't directly above so I don't hear walking around).

In short, tell the roommate to take steps to avoid you waking him up. The burden shouldn't fall entirely on you.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
I could never live with a nitty roomate

[/ QUOTE ]

thank god now i only live with a permissive wife.

(yes she's mine)

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

He's not passive-aggressive, he's just an anal nit who thinks the world revolves around him. There is something slightly passive-aggressive about leaving a note instead of just saying something, but this is mitigated by the fact that he probably wouldn't see you otherwise.

Earplugs + door closed = no more bitching from roommate.

WTF at no kettle in the morning, what does he want you to do, heat your tea with a [censored] candle? Just try to take it off before it whistles.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
Jimm wrote:

Okay, I understand - but why don't you close your door? If you need air, open a window a little. If you won't close your door, of course you'll be disturbed by anyone moving between 11pm-8am!
I always wake up around 6-7am (even when I start work late!) and need the bathroom. . There's not much I can do about that.
But, yes, I'll make sure not to use the kettle or bang around etc.


[/ QUOTE ]

I want to hear what his response was to this.

Although some of his requests are outrageous (no toilet and door open) I agree that it's not passive aggressive... it's pretty straightforward and polite.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Most definitely you should take a gigantic dump and he can flush it in the morning

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]

Then he'll really have some dirty air to complain about.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Jimm wrote:

Okay, I understand - but why don't you close your door? If you need air, open a window a little. If you won't close your door, of course you'll be disturbed by anyone moving between 11pm-8am!
I always wake up around 6-7am (even when I start work late!) and need the bathroom. . There's not much I can do about that.
But, yes, I'll make sure not to use the kettle or bang around etc.


[/ QUOTE ]

I want to hear what his response was to this.

Although some of his requests are outrageous (no toilet and door open) I agree that it's not passive aggressive... it's pretty straightforward and polite.

[/ QUOTE ]


No reply yet! We'll see.

He is 36 years old, no girlfriend though good at getting one night stands, over-educated, underemployed, but charming and sociable most of the time. Fun to go out drinking and partying with. But he's just cranky at home.

The Frenchman is similarly over-educated, under-employed, and last time I lived there spent his time watching / falling asleep in front of the TV, smoking a little dope, and eating take-out. Also girlfriendless.

It's a pretty good flat for me to be in, all-in-all: non-threatening, clever people, not entirely dissimilar to me, though perhaps not as screwed up.

The Italian and I were pretty good friends in the 9 month period between now and the last time I lived there, so it's a shame to see this bickering come up so quickly.

I think he thought what the [censored] was I doing up at 6am anyway, since I don't start work to 2.30pm. And truth be told my reason for being up - wanting to go to an all-night Internet cafe to play with some money that had gone into my bank account in the middle of the night - was a bit bonkers. This also meant I had to wheel the bike across the flat from the balcony where it's stored to the front door.

When I lived there before, I spent all my free time in the nearby poker club, and I would come in at 2-3am every night and there wasn't ever any problem. So I'm not sure why he's bringing it up now.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
In my first year of Uni, I shared a 5-person flat. Because I'd taken a gap year (year out between school and uni), I was put in with 3x 3rd year exchange students from other countries and another fellow 1st year who'd gapped.

Our 5th wheel, as it were, was a Swiss guy who left the very same passive aggressive notes. It was comments like "be quiet" when he'd gone to bed, "shut the door quietly", if one of us put something in the [communal] fridge that wasn't totally cling-filmed (saran wrapped?) he'd wrap it and write in sharpie marker "do it yourself next time", etc. etc.

It was annoying, but it didn't stop me not wrapping my crap in the fridge. When he kind of freaked out about how unfair it was we didn't submit to his demands, I pointed out that I was a domestic first year student, and that kind of meant i was gonna a) stick my food in the fridge without high concerns for covering it, b) stay out all night drinking and come back at 3am, perhaps shutting the door a mite louder than usual, c) have friends round playing old school NES games whilst we smoked weed and that if he didn't like it, as the 3rd year foreign exchange he surely had every right to request a transfer to another flat.

Of course, you don't have that luxury, exchange is off. So, I would suggest the following compromises.

1) Lavatory - agree on a "if it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down" rule for any time of day. I'm cool finding piss in the toilet in the morning, but someones turds they can flush themselves, even at the risk of rousing me at 4am.

2) Get a kettle to put in your room, man. Fill it from any old sink, but hey, why not.

3) He shuts his door when he is sleeping. Not only does this a) let you know he's asleep and can vary your noise accordingly, it's b) more sensible for both of you in terms of noise allowances

4) He gets pans of water off all the goddam radiators in the house except in his room unless the other flatmates agree to it. wtf is with this weirdness, if i wanted to live in a steam room I would.

I think if he shuts his door (totally acceptable) and you boiled water in your room, and you had a flat policy on toilet flushing protocol, you'd be pretty tip top.


edit: oh, hey yeah that site reminded me, he freaked out about us not washing up straight away either. Even though I provided nearly 100% of the crockery and utensils for the flat.

[/ QUOTE ]


Great post! Thanks. I'm tempted to email it to him, only I think that'd aggravate things further.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

Oh, at 10.30am tomorrow I've got a girl coming over. A girl of the does-stuff-for-money type. I've known her a long time and she's entirely trustworthy. But let's hope he has a good night's sleep and please God doesn't take the day off sick.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
Great post! Thanks. I'm tempted to email it to him, only I think that'd aggravate things further.

[/ QUOTE ]

Cheers Jim, just been in a similar predicament, though thankfully it was university, not real life.

I wouldn't email him, I'll just wait for a time to chat and say "hey, I'm cool not flushing the loo in the mornings, but maybe if one of us does a crap it's better to flush?" and you can start the negotiations from there.

thank you for the link, I'll enjoy trawling through some of those puppies.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

inviting a hooker over could lead to awesome things

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Great post! Thanks. I'm tempted to email it to him, only I think that'd aggravate things further.

[/ QUOTE ]

Cheers Jim, just been in a similar predicament, though thankfully it was university, not real life.

I wouldn't email him, I'll just wait for a time to chat and say "hey, I'm cool not flushing the loo in the mornings, but maybe if one of us does a crap it's better to flush?" and you can start the negotiations from there.

thank you for the link, I'll enjoy trawling through some of those puppies.

[/ QUOTE ]


I only know that link because Dids posted it to his blog. It's a great site.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
inviting a hooker over could lead to awesome things

[/ QUOTE ]

She's not really a hooker. Just, well, very liberal. And we both have needs.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

i stayed in a house with a guy for two months that would email you anything that could be the slightest bit confrontational, even when you were home. It was really annoying when he would be talking to you like everything was cool and then you check your email and see that an hour earlier he sent an email bitching at you an hour prior that you hadn't seen yet

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
i stayed in a house with a guy for two months that would email you anything that could be the slightest bit confrontational, even when you were home. It was really annoying when he would be talking to you like everything was cool and then you check your email and see that an hour earlier he sent an email bitching at you an hour prior that you hadn't seen yet

[/ QUOTE ]


Yeah, exactly. This is what I object to. Talk to me, don't email, text or write notes for me. I doubt it's so important it can't wait till you next see me.

I am really pissed off they haven't sorted the Internet out - they have a contract with some company, but it's gone down and they haven't got it fixed. But when I got back last night and saw it still wasn't working, and I saw the Frenchman was in his room (the light was on), I didn't bother knocking on his door to ask him about it. Because, well, why make a scene? So part of being a good housemate is not complaining about every little thing that pisses you off, or every way in which your housemates are different.

His text by the way read: "Hi Alex, I've spoken w/M about internet. Could you please try to be as much silent as possible at night? Thank you! C"

Text AND email is much annoying!

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
inviting a hooker over could lead to awesome things

[/ QUOTE ]

She's not really a hooker.

[/ QUOTE ]

What is "not really a hooker"? Kind of seems like a "you are" or "you are not" kind of thing. No real grey area.




[ QUOTE ]
A girl of the does-stuff-for-money type.

[/ QUOTE ]


Puts her firmly in the "you are" category, imo.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

i hate to sound weird -- put my wife needs to pee about 3 times
a night... since the stupid flushing wakes me up --- we've agreed
to chill on the flushing until the morning.

it's really no big deal. in fact -- for the ecology-minded
eco-freaks, it's SOP. ( standard operating procedure )

btw -- the note didn't sound too bad...

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

Unbelievable that a certain thread has not been mentioned yet.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
I could never live with a euro roomate

[/ QUOTE ]

seriously. flatmate? it just sounds lame.

never have a roommate that talks like that and most problems would be solved.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
Unbelievable that a certain thread has not been mentioned yet.

[/ QUOTE ]

Too soon?

http://img123.imageshack.us/img123/9427/lathe1bv6.jpg

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

Perfect

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
inviting a hooker over could lead to awesome things

[/ QUOTE ]

She's not really a hooker.

[/ QUOTE ]

What is "not really a hooker"? Kind of seems like a "you are" or "you are not" kind of thing. No real grey area.

[ QUOTE ]
A girl of the does-stuff-for-money type.

[/ QUOTE ]

Puts her firmly in the "you are" category, imo.

[/ QUOTE ]


Anyways damn she just cancelled

I can't even buy sex

Sucks to be me

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

ditched by a hooker lol

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

jimm,

Take all your hooker moneys and spend them on surgery to make yourself three points hotter. You may have blueballs for awhile but ultimately you won't have to pay for hookers.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

[ QUOTE ]
jimm,

Take all your hooker moneys and spend them on surgery to make yourself three points hotter. You may have blueballs for awhile but ultimately you won't have to pay for hookers.

[/ QUOTE ]

Set aside some money after surgery for some HGH too.

Re: Passive-aggressive notes from my flatmate
 

fwiw, i think its perfectly fine to not flush the toilet if you do number one and somebody is sleeping.