college essay help
 

1st draft, anything appreciated, thanks in advance.

Describe the world you came from and how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

The world I came from was diverse. Family, friends, traveling, learning, growing, and now, reflecting. While contemplating this mess that was my history, I realized two parts of my life had, for some reason, had an extremely significant impact on shaping my dreams and aspirations for life. They were my experiences with Magic: The Gathering and Musical Theatre.
Games were part of my life for as long as I can remember. Board, video, strategy, chance, I’d play anything with whoever I could get to play with me. Most significantly, was Magic: The Gathering. When my family returned to Southern California after living in South Carolina for three years, I never truly connected with anyone at my new school. I wasn’t socially inept or exiled or anything, I had always had people to talk to and hang out with at school, but I never made any good friends. I found a local card shop and picked up an old game my brothers had taught me, Magic. It grabbed me instantly and wasn’t letting go. A card game, Magic combines chance with resource control, micro managing, strategy, and bluffing. Unfortunately, as with many games of chance, in Magic sometimes you make every correct decision and still lose. It’s easy to second guess yourself in situations like these, but to be successful in Magic, I learned you must be ready for any situation, think ahead multiple steps the consequences of your decisions, adapt, have patience and control, and above all; be confident in your decisions. My dream is to always go through life with the same approach. Thinking about the consequences of my actions, knowing I did what I thought was right, and gaining confidence through this, even if the out come isn’t what I had hoped.
Musical Theatre also acted as constant in my life. I did musicals every summer, and the experience was unforgettable. The performing aspect wasn’t what attracted me, I never minded being in front of people but I never found it that rewarding. However, I could never get enough of the experience. Theatre naturally attracts the outgoing type, and the people I met were the most interesting and diverse group I had ever been a part of. Meeting and watching all of these people interact showed me how people really should be treated. People in theatre always seemed to be open to each other, rejecting childish stereotypes and not passing judgments as I had been exposed to for so long in society. I believe the way you treat people is one of the most important aspects of your values or morals, and theatre first exposed me to that idea.
Though games and theatre are minor pebbles in the mountain of my life, they truly shaped my dream of how I want to live my life. Like a game of magic, evaluating decisions and committing, and like theatre taught me, always open minded, and never juding.

Re: college essay help
 

Opening paragraph is bland and bad. You aren't getting anyone's attention with it.

You dont need to (and shouldn't) mention that you didn't have any good friends. The reason Magic is important to you is it taught you things on life, not friends.

Try to relate theater and Magic. Theater gave you the personal side of life whereas magic gave you the managing side or whatever.

Your dream you say with magic isn't really a dream, but a philosophy on life. You never say what you want to do with your life. If you are undecided; thats perfectly fine. Just say something about it instead of dancing around it.

You have a frame work, but itll be a few more drafts before this is ready.

Re: college essay help
 

Second Draft:

The world I came from is Magic… Magic and theatre.
Games were part of my life for as long as I can remember. Board, video, strategy, chance, I’d play anything with whoever I could get to play with me. Most significantly, was Magic: The Gathering. When my family returned to Southern California after living in South Carolina for three years, I found a local card shop and picked up few packs of Magic cards, an old game my brothers had taught me. It grabbed me instantly and wasn’t letting go. A card game, Magic combines chance with resource control, micro managing, strategy, and bluffing. Unfortunately, as with many games of chance, in Magic sometimes you make every correct decision and still lose. It’s easy to second guess yourself in situations like these, but to be successful in Magic, I learned you must be ready for any situation, think ahead multiple steps the consequences of your decisions, adapt, have patience and control, and above all; be confident in your decisions. I have many dreams and aspirations for my life, and my path has many forks ahead. Magic taught me far more than just a way to play a card game, Magic shaped my dreams in a way that no matter which path I follow, I know I’ll be ready, thinking about the consequences of my actions, knowing I did what I thought was right, and gaining confidence through this, even if the out come isn’t what I had hoped.
Musical Theatre also acted as constant in my life. I did musicals every summer, and the experience was unforgettable. The performing aspect wasn’t what attracted me, I never minded being in front of people but I never found it that rewarding. However, I could never get enough of the experience. Theatre naturally attracts the outgoing type, and the people I met were the most interesting and diverse group I had ever been a part of. Meeting and watching all of these people interact showed me how people really should be treated. People in theatre always seemed to be open to each other, rejecting childish stereotypes and not passing judgments as I had been exposed to for so long in society. I believe the way you treat people is one of the most important aspects of your values or morals, and theatre first exposed me to that idea. My experience in musical theatre taught me many things about my self, and showed me how much I enjoyed simply interacting with people.
Theatre directly shaped my dream of interacting with the most people possible, no matter how they may appear; and like Magic, taught me a way to live my life. Though games and theatre are minor pebbles in the mountain of my life, they truly shaped my dream of how I want to live my life. Like a game of magic, evaluating decisions and committing, and like theatre taught me, always open minded, and never judging.

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It seems like I may be skimming the prompt to much, but I really like the general idea of what I'm saying. Is it to far from what the question is asking or does it not matter much in app. essays?

Re: college essay help
 

The way you write about Magic the Gathering is almost creepy. Many reviewers wouldn't read this as being a positive aspect of your life. I like the part about musicals. I'd recommend dropping the Magic and keeping the Musical part.

Also, use paragraphs more frequently. It's easier to read.

Re: college essay help
 

This is not good.

First on a technical note, you have some pretty long run-on sentences in there (a few with 5+ commas in them!). This is not good, make your sentences more concise. Also if you reread your paper, you probably can avoid misspellings like "out come" and dubious statements like "I did musicals...".

Your topics aren't terrible, but there is no structure, no meaningful conclusion, and overall this paper is pretty worthless. You are now going to have confidence and be open-minded? How does this make you different from anybody else? I don't mean to hate on your paper, but the topic mentions dreams and aspirations and all you have given me is not judging others and making decisions.

If I were you, I would throw this away and start all over again. However before you write a single word you should make a complete outline of every point you are going to make in your essay. This will help you make clear and concise sentences and paragraphs when you finally write your essay, because this is something you are struggling with.

Re: college essay help
 

[ QUOTE ]
The way you write about Magic the Gathering is almost creepy.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think the fact that I didn't read the essay made this particularly funny

Re: college essay help
 

Ummm, what's the point of this paper? Seriously, I just don't see what exactly this paper is about. It lacks a clear focus and proper organization of critical ideas. Your into and conclusion paragraph are bland and short.

This might be a C in a college course. I would re-write it and then take it to a campus writing center.

Re: college essay help
 

[ QUOTE ]
This might be a C in a college course. I would re-write it and then take it to a campus writing center.

[/ QUOTE ]

There is absolutely no way this paper would get a C in a college course. For this not to fail would be a miracle.

But luckily it is a draft, and there is a lot of time to rework it.

Re: college essay help
 

Third draft, dropped the magic stuff and focused more on theatre. Shortened it some but really need to shorten more of my sentences. What else? Thanks everyone.

The world I came from was in the Moonlight. The Moonlight Amphitheater.
A local semi-professional theater, the Moonlight was my sanctuary for years. Musical Theatre always acted as constant in my life. I performed in musicals every summer, and when I wasn’t performing I was volunteering - selling raffle tickets or ushering, staying involved somehow. The experience was unforgettable.
The performing aspect wasn’t what attracted me, I never minded being in front of people but I never found it that rewarding. However, I could never get enough of the atmosphere. Theatre naturally attracts the outgoing type, and the people I met were the most interesting and diverse group I had ever been a part of. Meeting and watching all of these different people interact showed me how people really should be treated. People in theatre always seemed to be open to people, rejecting childish stereotypes and not passing judgments as I had been exposed to for so long in society.
The summer entering my senior year, I was hired at Moonlight’s restaurant and concession stand. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I started as the cashier for the stand, and slowly started to truly enjoy what I was doing. The work itself was generally bland and unexciting, but the constant interaction with strangers and co-workers was both enjoyable and enlightening. I realized how much I enjoy simply interacting with people.
My experiences performing and working at the Moonlight directly shaped my dream. To always interact with as many people as possible. To not only accept diversity, but to seek and embrace it. To constantly surround myself with new people, and to show everyone the respect they deserve.

Re: college essay help
 

I'm going to edit right in the text, my edits will be in bold.

[ QUOTE ]
Third draft, dropped the magic stuff and focused more on theatre. Shortened it some but really need to shorten more of my sentences. What else? Thanks everyone.

The world I came from was in the Moonlight. The Moonlight Amphitheater.this sentence is really bad, needs to go
A local semi-professional theater, the Moonlight was my sanctuary for years. Musical Theatre always acted as constant in my lifeacted is a poor choice of words, and it is in the past tense, you no longer think of musical theater as an important part of your life?. I performed in musicals every summer, and <u>when I wasn’t performing I was volunteering - selling raffle tickets or ushering, staying involved somehow</u>rewrite that. The experience was unforgettable.this is a wasted sentence, we know you didn't forget because you are writing about it. Come up with a better finish to this introduction
<u>The performing aspect wasn’t what attracted me, I never minded being in front of people but I never found it that rewarding.</u>rewrite this, it seems more logical the other way. Even though I never minded being in front of people, it was the other aspects.... However, I could never get enough of the atmosphere. Theatre naturally attracts the outgoing type, and the people I met were the most interesting and diverse group I had ever been a part of. How were they interesting and diverse? give me something tangible Meeting and watching all of these different people interact showed me how people really should be treated. People in theatre always seemed to be open to people, rejecting childish stereotypes and not passing judgments as I had been exposed to for so long in society. what specifically about theater makes people open minded and accepting? this is where you need to shine
The summer entering my senior year, I was hired at Moonlight’s restaurant and concession stand. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I started as the cashier for the stand, and slowly started to truly enjoy what I was doing. you had mentioned earlier you loved doing stuff like this, and now you are slowly starting to enjoy it? The work itself was generally bland and unexciting, but the constant interaction with strangers and co-workers was both enjoyable and enlightening. give me an example I realized how much I enjoy simply interacting with people. examples. everybody loves interacting with fun people, why is this different
My experiences performing and working at the Moonlight directly shaped my dream. <u>To always interact with as many people as possible.</u>This underlined sentence really should just be deleted. I don't entirely agree with the premise of the conclusion, but at least it flows. It needs to be longer though To not only accept diversity, but to seek and embrace it. To constantly surround myself with new people, and to show everyone the respect they deserve.

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Re: college essay help
 

pokergrader, thanks a lot. I finalized that one, i'll post if you're curious

last essay, first draft:

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

When it comes to a matter of importance, nothing can be more important than yourself. Nothing is more significant to me than my ability to overcome the challenges presented to me, especially those inherent in myself. Living with, facing, and overcoming my learning disability was a hard-fought battle, but victory was thrice as rewarding.
I excelled through the beginning of my education, up until middle school. I began to struggle in certain areas, and classmates started to catch up to my level. I wasn’t necessarily bad in those areas, yet comparatively, I was much worse. I still mastered verbal tasks with ease, but was average at nonverbal processing and visual motor coordination. I couldn’t comprehend why I was amazing at some things and average at others. Frustration set in, I lost motivation, stopped trying, and my grades suffered. I managed to get by, but was doing the bare minimum. This continued into my first two years of high school. My mom had been hearing more and more about ADHD, and the next summer scheduled testing for me.
To be tested for ADHD I participated in a psychodiagnostic evaluation, conducted by Amy Ellis (Psy.D.) and Christina Zampitella, (Psy.D.). The results were unexpected, but are logical in retrospect. On the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale I scored a verbal IQ of 150, greater than the 99.9th percentile, however, I scored a performance IQ of 110, the 75th percentile. Similarly, my verbal comprehension and working memory were both greater than 99.7 percent, while my perceptual organization and processing speed were in the 68th and 82nd percentile. To quote the summary of the report, “Cognitively, his (Mr. Gorham) overall level of functioning is in the Very Superior range. However, there were significant discrepancies within his abilities which indicate a non-verbal learning disability and ADHD.”
I began to understand the cause of my educational struggle. With a verbal IQ well into genius and a performance IQ just above average, I was embarrassed to put in effort and only be average. I felt like I should be better than I was, so I rationalized not trying. “I could do it if I wanted to.” I would tell myself, but always avoided doing it. The test raised my confidence in my strong areas, and illuminated the areas I need to focus on. It was the first time I admitted to myself the fact that I’m simply worse at some things, and the first time I began to do sometime about it.
I went into school the next year extremely optimistic. I developed a system of note taking to help my perceptual organization. I understood my weaknesses and stayed vigilant; the frustration I had always experienced started to disappear. Most importantly, I changed the way I think, not valuing the result, but the effort. It was hard at first, the subconscious self restraints I had built were reluctant to come down, but there was only improvement ahead. As I started to see improvement I gained confidence, and worked better because of it. I overcame it almost completely, and even have begun to embrace it.
Overcoming my learning disability allowed me to achieve the potential I had subconsciously been restraining for years. I changed my outlook on life, focused on improving my weaknesses, and kept trying. It changed the person I am today, opened doors, and gave me insight into myself unique from anything else.

Re: college essay help
 

Who needs a writing center when you have 2p2?

(In all honesty though, you probably pay some fee to use the writing center and don't even know it...so use it.)

Re: college essay help
 

OP,

pls include a pic with your essay. i'm thinking something along these lines

http://www.slapyo.com/wp-content/NintendoNerdLord.jpg

Re: college essay help
 

http://www.nioutaik.fr/images/dossier19/bodyguard3.jpg

Re: college essay help
 

i think you should go in that costume, complete with the little league catchers gear

Re: college essay help
 

haha that's just mean.... but funny indeed. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img])

Re: college essay help
 

Noah, if you'd like. I'm the one on the left.

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/c...007/MECDK2.jpg

Here's what I ended up submitting:

The Moonlight Amphitheatre, a local semi-professional theater, was my sanctuary for years. Musical Theatre always acted as constant in my life. I performed in musicals every summer, and when I wasn’t performing, I was volunteering. Either selling raffle tickets or ushering, I stayed involved however I could. The experience revealed my want to embrace and seek out diversity as I pursued the future.
The performing aspect wasn’t what attracted me; I never minded being in front of people, but I never found it that rewarding. However, I could never get enough of the atmosphere. Theatre naturally attracts the outgoing type, and the people I met were of the most interesting and diverse group I had ever been a part of. Many roles were profile specific, which led to a constant flux of different people. Meeting and watching this ever-changing mass interact showed me how people really should be treated. People in theatre always seemed to be open to people, rejecting childish stereotypes and not passing the sort of judgments I had been exposed to for so long in society.
The summer entering my senior year, I was hired at Moonlight’s restaurant and concession stand. It was one of the most gratifying experiences of my life. I started as the cashier for the stand and absolutely enjoyed what I was doing. The work itself was generally bland and unexciting, but the constant interaction with strangers and co-workers was both enjoyable and enlightening. I learned how to play off of aggressive personalities, how to react to timid ones, and how far being polite and having a smile can go.
My experiences performing and working at the Moonlight directly shaped my aspirations. To not only accept diversity, but to seek and embrace it. To constantly surround myself with new people, and to show everyone the respect they deserve. I now know that no matter which way my life goes, I’ll be content as long as I’m perpetually searching for, learning from, and embracing different people, different activities, and different ideas.

edit- thanks everyone who actually took some time to offer constructive criticism. I really appreciate it

Re: college essay help
 

You're not a very good writer man.

Don't use so many colloquial phrases in formal writing ("I never minded", ""not passing..judgments", "found it that rewarding" etc)

Don't use passive voice, ever. Stick to Subject-Verb-Object

You shouldn't have any sentence fragments. That looks really bad.

You're using words awkwardly (it was a constant in my life/it revealed my want)

No contractions

Don't end a sentence in prepositions

Verb-parallelism needs to be improved

Thesaurus is your friend. Use more interesting adjectives and verbs.

NEVER USE Object-Verb-Subject. You're not Klingon, nor are you Yoda.

Structure your paragraphs. Topic sentences.


My Advice: Retake senior year. Pay attention in English. Volunteer and have something more interesting to write about.