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Two Plus Two Newer Archives (http://archives1.twoplustwo.com/index.php)

- Poker Beats, Brags, and Variance (http://archives1.twoplustwo.com/forumdisplay.php?f=56)

- - Bookstore Beat (http://archives1.twoplustwo.com/showthread.php?t=259746)

My day began when I woke up (O RLY?), rolled out of bed, and ate a full half pound of pepperoni for breakfast. Washed down with a glass of milk, of course. Not quite standard, but not storyworthy by any means. I then went to my first couple classes, slept through them, and otherwise went about my day. Little did I realize a vile, uncontrollable beast was fermenting inside me.

http://img209.imageshack.us/img209/8...shiteh0qs5.jpg

Fast forward to midday, when I'm browsing my local bookstore. A cute employee, 21ish, 7/10, walks up to me and asks if I need any help. I say no, and move out of her way, but she follows me down the aisles inventorying as she goes. Now as many of you know, I have a girlfriend, but I'm not immune to flirting for a quick self-esteem boost. Unfortunately, by this time I was well aware of the trouble brewing, so I had to proceed with caution.

http://images.ibsys.com/2004/0618/3435722.jpg

I stop meandering and crouch down to look at a book on the lower shelf. She stops too, and I look up to catch her smile.

"Whatcha looking for?" she asks. A thousand thoughts run through my mind at once.

What the hell AM I looking for?
Hey, she has a nice smile.
Wait a second, is my small intestine trying to tell me something?
How the hell does she get her teeth that white?
I'm looking for a comedy book.
Christ, what the hell is wrong with my stomach?
Oh no...
...[censored]...
...it's coming.
Whatever I do, I can't stand up right now.

"Books." Smooooth one, pennpal. "Well, I mean, funny books. Ehrmm..."

I have no idea what I'm saying. Something about an author maybe, or the weather, or poker, or socks. I don't even care, I'm just clenching my asscheeks together as well as I can and praying she loses interest. She smiles again. [censored].

"Let me help you up." I grab her hand, and against all my best instincts, slowly rise. "I don't normally talk to customers like this... My name's ________."

I dont remember what her name was, nor do I ever want to remember. Because at that exact moment, it happened.

http://www.paloverde.org/hales/Chem_...room_cloud.jpg

To call it a fart would be like calling Hiroshima a firecracker. I actually felt this incredible heat eminating from my ass - it was like someone had just taken a hotpocket straight from the microwave and shoved it right up there. For all I know that's what it looked like, too; I sure as hell wasn't about to check.

Her face was priceless. Wide eyed shock followed by an incredibly disguested gasp- then, surprisingly enough, a small smile? Could I salvage the situation? Unfortunately, that's when the smell hit us.

We both reeled, eyes watering, faces scrunched. I think she even started to gag. Now I've smelled a lot of things in my life. Week-dead birds, burning flesh, getting hugged by homeless people--Yet I have never smelled something this horrible. I would rather be skull-[censored]ed with a barbed wire baseball bat than ever smell it again, and I'm sure she had similar thoughts. She turned and walked - no, ran - in the opposite direction, while I sat and basked in all my rank-ass glory.

"Well," I thought, "at least I still have a girlfriend." Only then did I look down at the book I had absentmindedly picked up to browse.

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/15...CLZZZZZZZ_.jpg

I ended up buying it - if I'm going to keep the girl I've got, I need all the help I can get.

Re: Bookstore Beat

I knew this story was really headed somewhere when I read:

[ QUOTE ]
and ate a full half pound of pepperoni for breakfast.

[/ QUOTE ]

PS--Please make Dickshit picture bigger, weees can't seees.

Re: Bookstore Beat

Any story that includes the phrase "that's when the smell hit us" is pretty much guaranteed to be funny.

Re: Bookstore Beat

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha, brilliantly told.

Re: Bookstore Beat

Fantastic story! It brought tears to my eyes.

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POTM

p.s. dikshit: "this development has exciting implications" if u cant see it

Re: Bookstore Beat

nh sir. well played.

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You're a pretty good writer bro

Re: Bookstore Beat

Pennpal's threadcat photoshop plus this thread is leading me to believe we have a rising BBV star on our hands.

Re: Bookstore Beat

[ QUOTE ]
You're a pretty good writer bro

[/ QUOTE ]

Thanks, always good to hear. Along these lines, I'm not sure if this is the best place to post this, but I'm trying to figure out how to create a website to host a lot of my writing. I ran a blog in high school that was hotlinked by collegehumor.com a few times, and have a smattering of stories, anecdotes, scripts, etc. that I'd like to put in one place. However, I know nothing of copyright law or website hosting. Is there anyone here with experience in this?

Re: Bookstore Beat

you have a flair for doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, while holding the wrong book. cultivate this and you will do well

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Pennpal for mod! [censored] awesome story.

Vig

Re: Bookstore Beat

wow great read dude. please, more stories.

Re: Bookstore Beat

[ QUOTE ]

We both reeled, eyes watering, faces scrunched. I think she even started to gag. Now I've smelled a lot of things in my life. Week-dead birds, burning flesh, getting hugged by homeless people--Yet I have never smelled something this horrible. I would rather be skull-[censored]ed with a barbed wire baseball bat than ever smell it again, and I'm sure she had similar thoughts. She turned and walked - no, ran - in the opposite direction, while I sat and basked in all my rank-ass glory.

[/ QUOTE ]

classic

Re: Bookstore Beat

I laughed out loud. Awesome read!

I'm waiting for a new story... [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

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wow lol i just droppedoff my dad at the airport at 5 in the morning, and this is definately a great morning read lol

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pennpal, i dont know if you are an old poster under a new account, but so far my only memories of you are great ones. threadcat was awesome, and this post stuck out. keep it up.

Re: Bookstore Beat

[/ QUOTE ]

Thanks, always good to hear. Along these lines, I'm not sure if this is the best place to post this, but I'm trying to figure out how to create a website to host a lot of my writing. I ran a blog in high school that was hotlinked by collegehumor.com a few times, and have a smattering of stories, anecdotes, scripts, etc. that I'd like to put in one place. However, I know nothing of copyright law or website hosting. Is there anyone here with experience in this?

[/ QUOTE ]

Great story. Have you looked at blogger.com?

Re: Bookstore Beat

Talk to Gildwulf about setting up the Mod Playground for yourself. We can make it the Pennpal forum and move the Threadcat thread there. I know I'll be visiting it.

Re: Bookstore Beat

One of the best stories I've heard. I started smiling when I read about the pepperoni and milk breakfast. I hate reading [censored] this funny in class!

Re: Bookstore Beat

Grat read.
More stories appreciated.

Re: Bookstore Beat

[ QUOTE ]
Great story. Have you looked at blogger.com?

[/ QUOTE ]

I thought about it, but was thinking that I could generate more traffic using my own site, which might be more conducive to hosting things like scripts. Not having to use a template would also help. Thanks for the suggestion, though- after reading up on it I might decide to set up an FTP connection with it.

Also, I'm not one for whoring my own threads, but if you liked this story, I was always partial to this one

Re: Bookstore Beat

Pennpal for president

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Seriously funny stuff man.

You should go to the bookstore and see if she remembers you.

Re: Bookstore Beat

[ QUOTE ]
Seriously funny stuff man.

You should go to the bookstore and see if she remembers you.

[/ QUOTE ]

You should go the bookstore and see if it's still open.

http://www.asuwebdevil.com/images/issues/oxoj0imq.jpg

Re: Bookstore Beat

[ QUOTE ]
One of the best stories I've heard. I started smiling when I read about the pepperoni and milk breakfast. I hate reading [censored] this funny in class!

[/ QUOTE ]

Same , at work at though. getting stranger looks than normal from office staff.