Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

I hate ask me threads, but I thought this might be helpful for people who find themselves in a similar situation as I was recently. The moral of the story below.

The short story (EDIT - tried to do the short story, but it's just too long. If it doesn't interest you, move on): I'm 26. I moved in with my girlfriend very quickly after we started dating in September '05, despite having major doubts about the relationship. The bottom line was that we got along so well - she was smart, funny, attractive. We had different tastes in music and movies (unimportant stuff), and as documented in a previous thread, I always found her friends to be sort of tacky and stuck in their college days. But overall, she had a lot of qualities that I've never really found in a girlfriend.

The problem for me was that from the beginning of our relationship, I never felt passionately toward her. Our sex life was OK - not mind-blowing, but it existed - but for some reason, I just wasn't attracted to her in the way you need to be in a serious relationship. I understand that with time, these feelings fade, but they were never there with her.

I convinced myself that it was unimportant, because she had so many qualities I admire. So we moved in together, lived together for about a year and a half, and in June I proposed. Throughout our entire relationship, I was never honest enough with myself to admit how important this missing piece was.

So we start planning the wedding, and all of a sudden all these feelings start enveloping me. I start to realize how wrong this wedding would be - that I've just stuck myself in this relationship of comfort and convenience because I don't have the balls to break it off.

I meet someone new. I start spending time with this person. I have feelings toward this person that I'd never had toward my fiance. This troubles me. Even if this new woman is just an infatuation, it made me realize how important this raw, physical attraction is.

I become depressed. I tell my fiance I don't know why I'm having the feelings that I'm having, but that I'm questioning the engagement. Again, I understand my reasons, but I'm too much of a pussy to admit them to her. I tell her I need to take some time off. I stay at my friend's house for a week, and I don't miss her a bit. I love her as a person, but as a partner there's just nothing there.

I come back a week later and tell her that the relationship is not right for me. She starts crying, and it's terrible and difficult, but I'm calm and composed at this point because I understand it's the right decision. She packs up one bag of luggage and says she's going to her parents'.

We talk over the next week. She bobbles back and forth between wanting the apartment and not wanting the apartment. Eventually she opts to take her name off the lease. I'm now paying more than half my take-home to rent. I couldn't feel better and more relieved about my decision.

The moral: If you're in a floundering relationship that you know has no future - BREAK IT OFF NOW. Staying in it will only make things more complicated and hurtful when you finally have the balls to do what you always knew needed to be done. Many, many people find themselves in these situations and don't know what to do. The doubt, uncertainty, etc. prevents them from making the right decision. But when you make the right decision, you'll know almost instantly.

Sorry for the blog post.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

Good.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

nevermind

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

Needed Pics.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

you'd think that it would be so rare to meet the perfect person.. so why does almost everyone get married? people just don't want to admit they made a mistake i guess. pretty common phenomenon

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

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I stay at my friend's house for a week, and I don't miss her a bit.

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Wow. Looking at this from my perspective, if my gf or fiance ever went at stayed at another guy's house for a week and I knew about it, I wouldn't ever consider being with them again. And her stuff would be on the street.

Did she know about where you were? Did she know what was going on with the other girl? How did she react to each of those if she did?

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

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I just wasn't attracted to her in the way you need to be in a serious relationship.

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I was never honest enough with myself to admit how important this missing piece was.

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But do we really *need* this for a successful relationship? Or is it our balls yelling at us and telling us to go out and be promiscuous?

I recently broke up with a girl for very similar reasons. And while I don't regret it. I am confused about the role of sex and if it's really as important as I was making it out to be. i.e. maybe it *shouldn't* be important and we just suck at life. Hopefully not... Interested in hearing more of your thoughts along these lines. You even said yourself that the infatuation with your new person would probably go away. So then what? On to the next girl? That is how our cousins in the jungle roll but I am not sure that is a good thing.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

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I stay at my friend's house for a week, and I don't miss her a bit.

[/ QUOTE ]
Wow. Looking at this from my perspective, if my gf or fiance ever went at stayed at another guy's house for a week and I knew about it, I wouldn't ever consider being with them again. And her stuff would be on the street.

Did she know about where you were? Did she know what was going on with the other girl? How did she react to each of those if she did?

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You've never heard of taking time off in a relationship? Not saying this to be a dick, but I thought this was a fairly common concept (which usually ends in a permanent break).

She knew where I was. I told her I needed time alone to get my head together and really think about everything. She had no idea about the other girl. I didn't start seeing her until after the relationship was over, but we did hang out a few times while we were on the weeklong break.

EDIT: I stayed with my GUY friend - an old friend of mine.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I stay at my friend's house for a week, and I don't miss her a bit.

[/ QUOTE ]
Wow. Looking at this from my perspective, if my gf or fiance ever went at stayed at another guy's house for a week and I knew about it, I wouldn't ever consider being with them again. And her stuff would be on the street.

Did she know about where you were? Did she know what was going on with the other girl? How did she react to each of those if she did?

[/ QUOTE ]

He doesn't say anything to indicate that he was staying with a girl.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

[ QUOTE ]
But do we really *need* this for a successful relationship? Or is it our balls yelling at us and telling us to go out and be promiscuous?

I recently broke up with a girl for very similar reasons. And while I don't regret it. I am confused about the role of sex and if it's really as important as I was making it out to be. i.e. maybe it *shouldn't* be important and we just suck at life. Hopefully not... Interested in hearing more of your thoughts along these lines. You even said yourself that the infatuation with your new person would probably go away. So then what? On to the next girl? That is how our cousins in the jungle roll but I am not sure that is a good thing.

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I would say it's very important. When you find yourself preferring to jerk off to internet porn than make the effort to initiate sex with your girlfriend, there are problems.

If things end with this girl, I'm single. I don't have a problem with that at all. Yeah, it's hard to find someone that you get along with on every level, but I still know I made the right decision. You have to balance your priorities in a relationship, I guess, and for me sex is a pretty big priority.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

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you'd think that it would be so rare to meet the perfect person.. so why does almost everyone get married? people just don't want to admit they made a mistake i guess. pretty common phenomenon

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Social anxiety? I am really not sure. I feel like a lot of my married friends made mistakes (small ones though), but they will all talk until they are blue in the face about how they "can't even imagine being with anyone else." I am starting to think it's all a big delusion that our brains put on to make us pump out babies, but I am open to being wrong.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

Eh, why did you ever propose to her, then? I mean, where did this urge to get married come from? Why not just keep pedalling along nicely in a kind-of-sucks but kind-of-okay relationship? Then one day you coulda broken up with no big deal.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

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But do we really *need* this for a successful relationship? Or is it our balls yelling at us and telling us to go out and be promiscuous?

[/ QUOTE ]

We're physical creatures, we live through our bodies, physical intimacy is the most explicitly restricted behavior in monogamous relationships... yeah we need it, it's way more important than we're willing to admit, because our society is full of this BS puritan guilt and shame over lust, sexuality, etc. Whether we "should" or "shouldn't" is irrelevant... you might as well ask whether we "should" get angry when we get punched, or need to eat food.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

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Eh, why did you ever propose to her, then? I mean, where did this urge to get married come from? Why not just keep pedalling along nicely in a kind-of-sucks but kind-of-okay relationship? Then one day you coulda broken up with no big deal.

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Because I have serious issues with compulsion and making irrational, impulsive decisions. In this case, it served sort of as a false reinforcement: If I propose, then I know I love her.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

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So then what? On to the next girl? That is how our cousins in the jungle roll but I am not sure that is a good thing.

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nm, post deleted dont want to get banned.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

I start to realize how wrong this wedding would be - that I've just stuck myself in this relationship of comfort and convenience


I'm starting to think that this is all marriage is. Finding someone that you don't hate to be around too much. Any thoughts from the married OOTers?

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

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So then what? On to the next girl? That is how our cousins in the jungle roll but I am not sure that is a good thing.

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nm, post deleted dont want to get banned.

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that's it. you are soooo banned.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

my brother has you beat, he broke up with his gf for another gf, is paying for the house he had with his ex, also pays for an apartment he doesnt live in because he lives with the new girl, where he also pays rent. He is paying rent on 3 places, and lives in only 1 of them.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

if by "has you beat" you meant "is a much larger idiot than you" then yes your brother has him beat.

(not that OP is an idiot)

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

Yes, I guess I am beat.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
But do we really *need* this for a successful relationship? Or is it our balls yelling at us and telling us to go out and be promiscuous?

[/ QUOTE ]

We're physical creatures, we live through our bodies, physical intimacy is the most explicitly restricted behavior in monogamous relationships... yeah we need it, it's way more important than we're willing to admit, because our society is full of this BS puritan guilt and shame over lust, sexuality, etc. Whether we "should" or "shouldn't" is irrelevant... you might as well ask whether we "should" get angry when we get punched, or need to eat food.

[/ QUOTE ]
This is a good answer and probably how I feel if I really thought about it. By no means did I want to imply we should lock ourselves up with chastity belts. But, given this, should we enter into monogamous relationships at all?

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

my question is, you had to propose to her, how could you bring yourself to do that? you have mixed feelings about her and dont feel passionate about her, yet you are able to get down on 1 knee and ask her to marry you?

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

well at least you didn't have kids w/ her to save the relationship. i feel like lots of people do that.

also, i'm not sure why you proposed to her.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
We're physical creatures, we live through our bodies, physical intimacy is the most explicitly restricted behavior in monogamous relationships... yeah we need it, it's way more important than we're willing to admit, because our society is full of this BS puritan guilt and shame over lust, sexuality, etc. Whether we "should" or "shouldn't" is irrelevant... you might as well ask whether we "should" get angry when we get punched, or need to eat food.

[/ QUOTE ]
This is a good answer and probably how I feel if I really thought about it. By no means did I want to imply we should lock ourselves up with chastity belts. But, given this, should we enter into monogamous relationships at all?

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I don't think monogamy and a healthy sexual life are mutually exclusive. If you have an unhealthy/utterly absent sex life in your relationship though, it probably isn't going to work in the long run. Monogamy is also pretty normal and healthy (or can be, at any rate) as long as you don't neglect the physical side of things. Physical intimacy can also produce/maintain emotional intimacy, not just the other way around. So I don't think monogamy is necessarily bad unless it leads to the denial/repression/neglect of physical needs/desires.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

Do you and the ex still talk? I assume she's pretty bitter about the whole thing. Does she know about the other girl? Did you have difficultly splitting up the mutual assets?

Speaking from personal experience, breaking up with a serious girlfiend/fiance can be one of the most difficult experiences of your life. Although you likely should've broken it off long before the proposal, it still takes balls to finally be honest with yourself. The safe, conservative option does not always equal the correct option in terms of your own happiness.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

Actually, your the pussy. Balls is not running away. Balls is staying in a loveless marriage, having 24/7 access to a smart, funny and hot chick and then cheating on her during your 15 year marriage. Then getting divorces, dumping the rugrats on here and dating your secretary.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

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Do you and the ex still talk? I assume she's pretty bitter about the whole thing. Does she know about the other girl? Did you have difficultly splitting up the mutual assets?

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We don't talk. She's probably very hurt and angry, but has taken it remarkably well. We've communicated over e-mail and txt a few times to straighten things out. Doesn't know about other girl. She basically left everything behind of our mutual assets. I told her that was silly, but I guess she just didn't want to move anything.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

these threads get retarded fast. our beliefs about relationships are a combo of our nature and social conditioning. its always the way things should be vs the way things are. guys who cheat on their wives are the biggest scum on earth, unless they are famous or very rich than its both predicatable and acceptable. women should be attracted to nice guys but they aren't etc etc etc.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

[ QUOTE ]
these threads get retarded fast. our beliefs about relationships are a combo of our nature and social conditioning. its always the way things should be vs the way things are. guys who cheat on their wives are the biggest scum on earth, unless they are famous or very rich than its both predicatable and acceptable. women should be attracted to nice guys but they aren't etc etc etc.

[/ QUOTE ]
wow, qft and ftw.

Any ideas on how we can break out of the "should"s? Probably impossible as it would take like a hundred generations of social reconditioning, but can't we at least sponsor a national "It's OK to cheat on your spouse" day? Maybe if everyone got a taste we could shed some of the puritanical "should" shackles.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

A relevant strip from one of my favorite web comics: http://xkcd.com/310/

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

howd your parents/other relatives react? that would be the funniest thing to me as i have a larger than average extended family that is much closer than most. so going from getting dozens of congratulations to dozens of awkward exchanges would probably suck...

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

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going from getting dozens of congratulations to dozens of awkward exchanges would probably suck...

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I would imagine this is one of the reasons more people don't make the tough (and correct) choice to break things off. So many other people's lives get wrapped up... hard to be the person responsible for everyone else's disappointment in a family situation(?)

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

I don't see why this is an 'ask me' thread, rather than a 'I broke off my engagement' thread, but I'll play along:

OP,

You're spouting off a lot of cliche about commitment, human nature and talk-radio type relationship advice. I think it's pretty obvious you're doing all this, especially before the receptive to these ideas primarily young male OOT community, to deflect personal responsibility for profoundly and repeatedly lying and disrespecting another person who trusted you and whom you continue to try and make a fool of while also just being a general dbag. Agree?

Isaac,

xkcd owns.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
these threads get retarded fast. our beliefs about relationships are a combo of our nature and social conditioning. its always the way things should be vs the way things are. guys who cheat on their wives are the biggest scum on earth, unless they are famous or very rich than its both predicatable and acceptable. women should be attracted to nice guys but they aren't etc etc etc.

[/ QUOTE ]
wow, qft and ftw.

Any ideas on how we can break out of the "should"s? Probably impossible as it would take like a hundred generations of social reconditioning, but can't we at least sponsor a national "It's OK to cheat on your spouse" day? Maybe if everyone got a taste we could shed some of the puritanical "should" shackles.

[/ QUOTE ]
social conditioning comes and goes depending on society but our three million year evoled nature stays the same.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

wha?

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

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[ QUOTE ]
going from getting dozens of congratulations to dozens of awkward exchanges would probably suck...

[/ QUOTE ]
I would imagine this is one of the reasons more people don't make the tough (and correct) choice to break things off. So many other people's lives get wrapped up... hard to be the person responsible for everyone else's disappointment in a family situation(?)

[/ QUOTE ]
My parents and siblings haven't taken it so well. I haven't had any awkward exchanges with anyone yet.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

how haven't they taken it well?

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

[ QUOTE ]
I don't see why this is an 'ask me' thread, rather than a 'I broke off my engagement' thread, but I'll play along:

OP,

You're spouting off a lot of cliche about commitment, human nature and talk-radio type relationship advice. I think it's pretty obvious you're doing all this, especially before the receptive to these ideas primarily young male OOT community, to deflect personal responsibility for profoundly and repeatedly lying and disrespecting another person who trusted you and whom you continue to try and make a fool of while also just being a general dbag. Agree?

Isaac,

xkcd owns.

[/ QUOTE ]
The "ask me" aspect was sort of supposed to be a joke, but I also thought it might be helpful for people who find themselves in a similar situation and want to know about reactions, fall-out, etc.

The rest of your post - although you're clearly trying to assert your position as the brutally honest guy, which is super-douchey and almost comically over-aggressive - I agree with a lot of it.

Things I disagree with:
(1) I'm spouting cliches. You might be referencing some of the posts that followed my OP (?), because I was being about as sincere and honest as I could be. I made a lot of horrible decisions which caused a lot of pain and discomfort. I wish I could change things, because I realize now how much easier everything would have been for everyone if I had just been honest with myself and my girlfriend/fiance a long time ago.

(2) I'm continuing to try to make a fool of my ex-fiance. Please explain this to me. If you're referring to this thread, this is an anonymous forum, isn't it? I don't really get this part. I feel terrible for the way I handled things, but I am glad I ended things when I did, rather than waiting until marriage. I don't understand how I continue to make a fool of her, though.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

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you'd think that it would be so rare to meet the perfect person.. so why does almost everyone get married? people just don't want to admit they made a mistake i guess. pretty common phenomenon

[/ QUOTE ]
Social anxiety? I am really not sure. I feel like a lot of my married friends made mistakes (small ones though), but they will all talk until they are blue in the face about how they "can't even imagine being with anyone else." I am starting to think it's all a big delusion that our brains put on to make us pump out babies, but I am open to being wrong.

[/ QUOTE ]

The flaw here, in my opinion, is the assumption that you need to find the perfect person to get married to. You don't, and the expectation that that's how it should be seems deeply problematic to me. Overly romantic conceptions of "soulmates" and "The One" and effortless eternal passion mostly seem like sources of unhappiness to me.

I would probably agree that if you're not interested in children, there's not much point in marriage. I want children, but if I didn't I think I probably wouldn't wed.

Re: Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)
 

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how haven't they taken it well?

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My sisters and parents like her a lot and think she was good for me in a lot of ways (which she was). My parents think I make the same mistakes over and over again (which I do) and that this is another one (which it isn't). My sisters are disgusted by how quickly I've gotten over the relationship. I can't seem to make them understand that breaking things off was liberating, not debilitating.