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A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks for a tattoo of a salmon on his penis.

Tattoo guy: "Wow thats gonna hurt, why do you want a salmon on your penis?"

Guy: "My wifes catholic, she wont take meat on a friday"

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What's the difference between a priest and acne?

acne doesnt come on your face until you're twelve.

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How can you tell if your roommate's gay?



His d*ck tastes like sh*t.

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A guy is driving across the Golden Gate Bridge. He's dressed like crap, hair is messy, but he's got a really sweet car. He's speeding, and a cop pulls him over.

The cop tells him he was going a little over the speed limit and he's going to write up a ticket. As the cop is writing up the ticket, he takes a good look at the guy and the car and says "Wow, it doesn't look like you can afford this car...what do you do for a living?"

The guy replies "I'm an a$$hole stretcher." The cop is obviously confused and looks at the guy like he's nuts.

"What exactly does an a$$hole stretcher do?" the cop asks.

"Well, I stretch a$$holes. I start by sticking one or two fingers in, and then work my way until I have a whole fist in. From there, I stick my arm in and strech the a$$hole till it's about 6 feet big."

The cop is even more confused. "What would you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?"

"Give it a badge and tell it to pull over speeders on the Golden Gate Bridge."

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What do you get when you cross n Agnostic with a Dyslexic Insomniac?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

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Why do brides wear white?


'cause the diswasher should match the fridge

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How do you get 24 jews in a car?





In the ashtray.

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Why are women's feet smaller than men's?


It's a genetic thing that allows them to stand closer to the sink...

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A baby harp seal walks into a club...

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Did you hear about the dyslexic rock star who partied too hard?

He choked on his own Vimto
(Vimto is a drink in the UK, ingore this if it isn't one anywhere else)

Why did the dyslexic hate Christmas?
Cos he heard Satan came down the chimney.