Re: Being there for the Birth.
 

As an obstetrician I see this situation 25-30 times a month. The father is rarely missing from the room.

Personally, I long for the "old" days because the father in the room is rarely helpful and often does something to make an ass of himself or pissoff his wife/gf. But it has just come to be expected and I can honestly say that that is the primary reason why the dude is there... he is supposed to be.

I think that what most men describe as the the most amazing experience of their life has mostly to do with having a child, and not specifically to do with being in the room for any particular portion of the labor and/or delivery.

I would side with Dr. Drew on this issue and say that if you are not comfortable with the idea, you should be in the waiting room. Your wife will have to be pretty cool for her to be "ok" with that plan, though.

I think it is better overall if the father is not in the room, but I am definitely used to it and would recommend that each couple just do what they personally think is best for them. Unfortunately, the social custom and expectation is weighted so heavily toward the dude being there that it is not really even possible for each couple to objectively decide for themselves.

I would deliver my own children if I decided to have children, so I would obviously be in the room. But if there were high-risk factors that would take the fun out of doing the delivery I would have a colleague care for my wife and I would be in the waiting room.

As far as the sex-related concerns:

Couples frequently experience dramatic changes in their sex lives after the birth of their first child, but the reasons behind that are complex. Whether or not witnessing your wife giving birth would affect your sexuality in a detrimental way is a very individual and personal issue. I would say that it is not a huge factor for most, but can certainly be for some.

One suggestion would be to talk openly to your wife about this concern. You can explain to her that while you understand that she may want you there, you have some concerns about how the experience may negatively affect your psyche and potentially your future sex life together. Most people wouldn't admit that, and it could make for an uncomfortable converstation. But open, honest discussion is the foundation of any successful relationship so I always think that is the best way to go.

Irieguy

Re: Being there for the Birth.
 

I was present during the cesarean section birth of my daughter. I saw the whole thing, the deep incision, dredging a human being out of the living flesh of another. It was amazing.

adsman, it's not about you, be there for her, knucklehead.

Re: Being there for the Birth.
 

[ QUOTE ]
An NO, I do not want to cut the cord, okay??? As Bill Cosby says, "Don't you have more qualified people to do that?"

[/ QUOTE ]

I hadn't thought about cutting the cord (despite N being in labor for 12 hours) and when the doc offered, I thought "why the hell do I want to do this when there is a Johns Hopkins doctor with the instrument in his hand already?"

It was really great to hold the baby, though, and hand her to her mother for the first time.

Re: Being there for the Birth.
 

Okay I am gonna pipe in here as a labor nurse.

I agree that if its not your thing its okay, its not for everyone. Just make sure that mom knows this way ahead of time because she should have someone there. It can be a very overwhelming experience for women and unfortunately as much as the nurses want to be able to be in the room as much as possible to support her, esp. if she is alone its just not always possible.

I agree with JoseRijo about having a secondary support person there if you know you cannot be in the room.

I have had a lot of dads that are very squeamish and we can accommodate this. Having him step out at certain times, giving him a heads up as to what is coming next.

Irieguy, I am curious as to your thought on lots of people in the room. I come across this a lot.

I will also say that as a mom I loved having Utah in the room and would have not wanted anyone else there. He stayed at the head of the bed, did not cut the cord, but he was there.

Re: Being there for the Birth.
 

I'll chime in and repeat that you should be there for your wife, you don't have to watch. I'm not particularly squeamish, but I really didn't need to watch the birth, nor did my wife want me to. She did want me in the room talking to her though. Not to be there for her I think is particularly wrong. That should be the minimum, unless she kicks you out. Anything beyond that, and it's up to each individual couple, but you have to be there.

Re: Being there for the Birth.
 

I was there for the birth of my daughter. Best moment in my life? Not in a long shot. I had more fun this morning, playing catch with her for 10 minutes than I did in that hospital room. There's nothing "fun" about childbirth. When people say that it's the best moment in their life, they're talking about the symbolism of the birth. E.g., I couldn't have played catch with my daughter without her going through the birth process first.

But, after seeing so many ultrasounds and hearing the heartbeat, there was nothing that would have prevented me from being in that room the first time my daughter took a breath. I was just really looking forward to holding her and being there for her (and the mother, of course). As for not cutting the umbilical cord, it's not like you're being asked to stitch up a head wound. Cutting the cord is easy and can be done by anyone. The symbolism is that the father is cutting the last physical tie the child had to the mother.

Re: Being there for the Birth.
 

I was there, and it was [censored] amazing. And I was much more involved than I expected. The labor nurse had me hold a leg during the final pushing. I enjoyed the huge connection with my wife, the huge connection with my new daughter, and just seeing the birth of a new human.

I definitely don't get squeamish around blood/guts, though, and I recognize some people do. Also, I don't think I would've wanted to view a cesarean delivery. Not because of the blood/guts, but because I wouldn't want to see somebody gutting my wife. But you can stay behind the curtain and not see that.

For what it's worth, despite my expectations, I was not struck with lightning bolts of love when I first glimpsed my daughter. I mean, I definitely loved her and it was very powerful, but it wasn't some overwhelming Life-God force of LOVE. It took a couple months to reach that magnitude.

Also, the non self-centered reasons for attending a birth listed in the above posts are dead on.

Re: Being there for the Birth.
 

I always thought it was an overused cliche when I heard athletes say after winning the Super Bowl, World Series, etc. it was second only to the birth of their first child until I was there in the delivery room with my wife and she delivered the first of my two sons.

I've had this discussion with many other guys whose wives were pregnant for the first time and as I told them there is no athletic or artificial high that compares to being in the delivery room for the birth of your child. I don't even remember my feet hitting the ground when I carried my son who was all of about 15 minutes old from the delivery room to the nursery for his first bath.

With my second son there was a little bit of "been there done that" but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Hell, the women have the tough job. The least we can do is be there to support them.

Re: Being there for the Birth.
 

Lots of interesting and honest responses, great stuff everyone. I do think that Irieguy's response is the most interesting. I always love to hear what someone thinks who works on the inside on any subject - they usually have a lock on the true situation. Mrs Utah as well had some interesting points.

It really does seem that men are 'expected' to do this, when years ago we were not expected to do it. What both of these do is not give men a real say in the matter, and I think that sucks. If you want to go in then that's great and I admire you for it. But you should be able to say that it's not your deal as well.

FWIW, I'm not expecting any children. That I know of.

Re: Being there for the Birth.
 

Not being there seems crazy to me. Its your child! Seems like a very important moment in my child's life and I wouldn't want to miss it just like I wouldn't want to miss a birthday party or little league game.

I saw a live birth on tape in 6th grade and it was pretty nasty. Mucous bubble, hair, blood, a head coming out of a vagina... all this stuff is pretty gross but in no way traumatizing. I am certain that seeing that would have little to no future effect on me.

And the whole considering natural phenomena gross... that's just something I think we need to get over in general. Pooping, vomiting, blood, dead people, whatever you think is gross, these things are all just part of life. In my opinion, you've got to be pretty prissy to let that stuff effect you.

And besides, your wife is going through a lot. At the very least you should be there to support her. I can't imagine any woman being OK with their husband not being there if he can.

The very fact that if I were the woman and I were giving birth, I'd want my husband to be there is enough for me to be willing to be there for my wife even if I didn't like the idea of seeing a birth.