Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

I am sorry for your loss I've never read anything on the internet to bring me to the point of tears until now. I am new father myself as of 6 months ago. I hate to take something out of this but this post made me go and hug my wife and kiss my daughter I always tell my wife we have no idea how good we have it. I believe you and your wife are strong it's been six weeks and you had the strength to write this post and I know you guys will fight through this I hope the best for you man.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

Wow, that amazes me.

Not once in my pregnancy did the doctors bring up the possibility of stillbirth at 40 weeks. Went to 2 different OB/GYN's and was never mentioned. I delivered at just under 42 weeks, and thought "ohhh, she just needs to bake a little longer"... Never during the 2 weeks did they mention anything about possible complications. Nor was it mentioned in the magazines I read, the websites I was registered at, NOTHING!!!!

Thanks for educating me. Duly noted for the future.

Question: When a patient chooses to be induced at 39 weeks, have you ever had any complications with the baby's lungs or anything?

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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This is the saddest post ever written on 2+2. I cried uncontrollably.


I am extremely sorry for your loss.

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Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

My wife is going to hit 39 weeks on Wednesday. The doctor will induce next weekend if the baby doesn't come by then.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine doing everything you did afterward if that happened to us.

I think I need to go to bed now and hug my wife.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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:(

My deepest sympathies

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Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

P,

its not the same thing, but my wife had a miscarriage the 1st time she was pregnant. My wife had a folder with "Peanut" (her name for the fetus) written on the front with all the information and ultrasound pictures and everything and its still in the same drawer we left it in when we found out there was no heartbeat. We can't or won't open it anymore.

you should know this: Allan Frederick Lerner for certain knew his parents loved him so much. i used to think this sort of talk was emotional fluff and just said to make people feel better, but i am a father now and now i know better. they don't know anything when their life begins, but loving their parents and knowing their parents love them is less something that is "known" and more of something that is just instinctively wired in.

i can say with unabashed honesty that i wasn't a kid guy before we had my son. truthfully, i didn't fully understand what i was getting into or why, but if you decide to try again (i don't know what medical things may be of issue) i'll tell you honestly that there isn't a joy that exists that fills you the same way your child does.

best of luck with everything to you & your spouse.
--oj.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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:(

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Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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Question: When a patient chooses to be induced at 39 weeks, have you ever had any complications with the baby's lungs or anything?

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There is no neonatal complication for which there is a greater risk due to induction at 39 weeks vs. induction at any time later than 39 weeks. This includes respiratory distress syndrome and transient tachypnea of the newborn. No, I have never seen a complication of prematurity following an induction at 39 weeks.

Conversely, once you get past 40-41 weeks there is a greater risk for meconium stained fluid, abnormal fetal heart rate patterns, post-maturity syndrome, and cesarean section compared to induction at 39-40 weeks. Oh yes, and STILLBIRTH.

It is frustrating. Surprisingly, upon hearing of these potential risks and complications, many patients still opt for delaying delivery for fear of doing something "unnatural."

I think to myself (but never say out loud), "Stillbirth is natural. Nature sucks sometimes."

Irieguy

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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This post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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:(

My deepest sympathies

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all the best for you and your wife in the future.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

My deepest sympathies on your loss.

While I don't have any children, my sister lost her 3 year old son in a car accident in 1991.

I can still remember vividly the phone call from my mother, and the overwhelming feeling of grief that I felt at that instant.

My wife at the time and I flew to where my sister and family were living for the funeral. Those were probably the 3 or 4 most difficult days of my life. I tried to be there for my sister, but of course I couldn't do or say anything that would make her feel better.

At the time of the accident my sister had two sons (the older one survived the accident relatively unhurt), and now that son is 19 and has a 13 year old sister who was born not long after the accident. She would not be here today if not for the accident, as they hadn't planned on having more children.

My sister and I talk about Spencer once in a while, and even though time is a very good healer, it's not something you ever get over. I'm happy to say that my sister and brother in law are still together, because the divorce rate in such cases is extremely high. From what you have written I get the sense that you and your wife will grow much much closer because of what happened.

I hope that you and your wife do have more children. It won't make up for the loss of your son, but it will probably help in terms of the healing process.

I'm not sure if it's worse losing a child that you never got to know, a 3 year old, or an adult. I assume that all of the situations are equally unbearable.

I wish you and your wife all of the best. Take things one day at a time, and I'm sure you'll have many extremely happy times in your lives that you have to look forward to.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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This post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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Yeah just about here too. Had to post after reading that, that post really hit me hard. Just wanted to say my heart goes out to you and your wife and try to stay strong while you guys get through this.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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This post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

Poincaraux,

I am another member of this sad fraternity. My first son, Joshua Alexander, was stillborn almost ten years ago. His eulogy is posted at http://sids-network.org/fp/migdol.htm .

Every January 17th, my wife and I look through his baby book and grieve together, along with Joshua's younger brother and sister who are a very healthy 6 and 8 respectively.

Best wishes for the future for you and your wife. Please feel free to PM if you would like to discuss further.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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Maybe they won't be able to figure out what happened to him, but maybe he can be some data point on some graph somewhere that helps someone figure something out, helps save some other baby.

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This sentence made me feel worse than I have in years. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

This is terrible, and though I've never met you I offer my deepest condolences.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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its not the same thing, but my wife had a miscarriage the 1st time she was pregnant.

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My wife had two. I thought that would prepare me for the OP, but I was quite wrong about that.

I knew absolutely nothing about stillbirth before opening this thread. I now know that I will never say "miscarriage" and "stillbirth" in the same breath ever again.

OP: Get right back up on the horse. Knock her up again. Put that nursery to use. You'll like it.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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This is the saddest post ever written on 2+2. I have goosebumps.

Sorry, man.

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I am so very sorry for your loss. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

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Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

I hardly ever read OOT, but I decided to read it tonight. Even if I'm another generic condolence, I just wanted to echo everyone's feelings and sorrow.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

I don't know how you mustered the strength to write this, and I hope that doing it helped you in some way. It feels out of place and inconsequential to compliment you on your writing, but this is one of the most powerful things I've ever read.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

I'm so, so sorry. I couldn't imagine what you've been through.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

Be Strong

You'll make it through

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

OMFG...

This puts everything into perspective...I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

Vava

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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This is the saddest post ever written on 2+2. I have goosebumps.

Sorry, man.

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I am so very sorry for your loss. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

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My deepest condolences. I hope you the very best in getting through this ordeal...

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

P:

sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how horrible it must feel.

Sorry man.

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Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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This post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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I'm sorry I can't offer anything more than my sympathy. My heart goes out to you and your wife.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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This post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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my deepest condolences, i cannot even begin to imagine how you feel - i hope sharing this with us helped you, even just a little. i wish i had something more to offer you.

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Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

poin,

I struggled to get through all of this. I am typing this with a big lump in my throat. Deepest sympathies. I will keep you and your wife in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that sharing your loss helps with the grieving process.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

I'm so sorry. I promised my mom I'd never cry at work, too.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

Things will be okay, and I'm sure you will have a happy, healthy family.

I hope your transition from wound to scar goes as smoothly as possible.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

wow - what can you say when you want to offer support and sympathy in a horrible situation without sounding shallow or glib?

I have no idea how that must feel and wouldn't wish your situation on my worst enemy.

They say everything happens for a reason but it's [censored] hard to see what reason there could be for something like this to happen at all.

Deepest sympathies - I hope you and your wife get through this become stronger and go on to have healthy kids in the future.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

I can only imagine the terrible pain the two of you are going through, giving birth knowing the child has passed has to be one of the most terrible and horrendous things a mother has to do.

I hope the both of you can get past your grief, not forgetting but moving on, bury any feelings of guilt (there should be none), use this to make you stronger to start again and child you so wish for and that will be so loved and cherished by the both of you.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

I am very sorry for your loss and I just want you to know that although I haven't prayed in years, I will be sure to say one tonight for you and your wife.

I pray that you two end up stronger for this tragedy and it only causes you to be all the better loving and caring parents in the future should you decide to try again.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

My heart is just throbbing for you, Poin. I don't know if this helps at all, but fwiw, my mother delivered my older brother in 1971. She and my father wanted one more child. She suffered through three miscarriages, and she said it was so emotionally destructive that she would give it one more chance.

Her pregnancy was going well, and she says she went to the hospital on Valentine's Day, 1979, for a regular visit. That's when her doctor told her she would be having twins.

On her way out, she excitedly shouted at another pregnant woman, "I bet you only got one in there, honey!"

My twin brother and I were born healthy that May. My mother and father tell me that as much pain as they felt during the miscarriages, they feel blessed to have three healthy children.

I hope better days are similarly ahead for you and your family.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

I will hold my pregnant wife a little longer tonight.

Our deepest sympathies.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

Thank you all so much.

I'm at work now, and crying, and I can't respond to everyone right now, but thank you.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

This is the first thing I've ever read on the internet that has brought tears to my eyes. Very powerful stuff.

I've never met you, but if there is anything I or my wife can do for you don't hesitate to ask.

You sound like you'll be a great parent. Keep trying, God has a plan for us all.

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

This makes all of our normal, everyday concerns and worries seem so petty and unimportant. I can't imagine what you and your wife must be going through now, and I certainly hope I never understand what you went through those horrible two days.

However, it does sound as if you and your wife and the rest of your family are strong and supportive of one another, and that can make all the difference. Thank you so much for sharing your tragedy with us, I know that while it was certainly cathartic for you, it couldn't have been easy to write all this down. You're bravery and strength are an inspiration and I wish you and your wife both a speedy recovery and whatever blessings you wish for in the future.

Good luck,

Dominic

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

poincaraux,

It may seem that this grief is all consuming, but realize that you have the resolve and you have every reason to hope.

We lost a son mid-term and I could not even bear to lay eyes on him in the delivery room, let alone hold him. Your strength is bringing tears to my eyes as I write.

But every pregnancy is different. We had a miscarriage before that pregnancy, so I began to have misgivings about even trying again and putting ourselves through it. We did try, though, and although we were uneasy the entire 40 weeks, we now have a healthy baby girl.

Certainly, many others are telling you likewise, and if not for how 2+2 skews to younger adults, this thread would be filled with other accounts to anchor you.

You sound like a thoughtful, caring man. From your post, it is clear you have good neighbors and a supportive family.

You can look forward to healthy children.

-Steve

Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

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This post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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Re: Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)
 

I am truly sorry as well. My son turns 2 on Oct 25th and we almost lost him right after birth. He was born just after midnight on the 25th, my then wifes birthday as well, and everything seemed like it was going perfectly. I then went home to take care of my 2 1/2 year old daughter. I then let her stay at her grandparents the next evening while i went to help my wife and new son.
From the get-go we noticed that my son was breathing really fast and the nurses/doctor said we were still good-to-go well after i left them at the hospital that night i went home to sleep. The home phone wakes me up at 3:15 am and my wife is hysterical and says i have to get down there ASAP! I was like wtf and i did 100 mph to hospital, i am not joking. Get to the room and no one is there, the nurses tell me to go to the nursery and there is my wife sobbing and my son is in one of those incubater (sp) things with all kinds of wires and tubes going every which-way. Then my wife says talk to the doc, I am freaking out at this point.
The doctor pulls me aside and its just like in the movies when they say "I need to talk to you". Apparently right after i left the previous night a nurse was worried that his erratic breathing hadn't subsided so they took some x-rays. The xray was right on the wall and the dr. walked me up there, I am no doctor but you could tell he only had 1 lung. Apperently right before birth he suffered a diaphramatic hernia and a hole formed in the diaphram which seperates the lung cavities and the lower areas. The intestines,and a bunch of organs were now where is lung should be. Freak-out factor was 12 on a 1-10 scale.
That hospital was unable to perform the surgery so he was taken by helo to Desert Sam which has a rockin' pediatric facility. I followed the helo (in my car) to the new hospital where they performed the surgery. The doctor said in his 20+ years he has only scene a baby live this long 2 times. Luckily the lung was fully formed prior to the diaphramatic hernia so the lung re-inflated once all the organs were put back into the right places and the hole was fixed.
There was a time when i was waiting during the surgery where i was thinking how small the casket would be, what do i do with all the stuff in his room we just fixed up, scary stuff you don't want to think about. He's doing fine now but it makes you think that no birth is without risks.
Again, I am truly sorry at your loss.