Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

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Ive been trying to get a standup routine written, and I know there is a joke in this somewhere, and that is a stupid one, but I cant figure out how to make it funny.

You just need to establish the opportunity to use the bit. Try this:

"So, open-mic night, you know. Pretty crazy in here. You guys having a good time? Yeah. It's good. Last time I was up here was, uh, 1992, but I think the act is finally coming together.

Let's see. Election coming up, huh? You guys following this whole Gennifer Flowers thing? I think those petals been plucked. Arkansas is "The Natural State", but I doubt her carpets match her drapes.

No, don't get me wrong, I think Bill Clinton's got a real shot. He's looking for a slogan to punch up his campaign, something better than "that guy from Arkansas." So: "No new taxes, and no fat chicks". Hey, you too lady.

Anyhow, you know what makes me go Hmmm? In Mexico, C&C music factor is like yes and yes music factory, cause their word for yes is pretty much our third letter of the alphabet. This is part of what makes bilingual education such an enormous hurdle for today's Hispanic youth."

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wtf you just wrote that for this post? that was awesome.

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Ya, I thought so too. I was going to steal it, but then I realized in 92, I was 10.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

have you ever done standup before?

No, and would be absolutely terrified. Best of luck dude.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

Knock knock

Who's there?

Interupting pirate

Interupting pira-?

ARGGGGH!

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

[ QUOTE ]
Knock knock

Who's there?

Interupting pirate

Interupting pira-?

ARGGGGH!

[/ QUOTE ]
There's a whole host of them: Interrupting Cow, Interrupting Sheep, Interrupting Retard, et cetera.

Personally, I like to do a bunch in a row, then Interrupting Mime. Unfortunately, that's more of a visual joke.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

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Why did the kid fall of the swing?






Cause he had no arms.

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Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

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why couldn't helen keller drive?

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I think this might be one of my all-time favorite jokes...

<font color="white">'Cuz she's a woman. </font>

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[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] hellen keller jokes

why couldn't helen keller masturbate with two hands?

<font color="white">she had to use one to moan</font>

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

that's my favorite helen keller joke ever

here's my new favorite nerd joke:

why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

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here's my new favorite nerd joke:

why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

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So this bar walks into a physicist...whoops, wrong frame of reference.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

What do you get when u mix Elton John with a Saber-tooth tiger?


I dno, but keep it away from my ass.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

So this reporter interviews Stevie Wonder, and asks:

"Mister Wonder, has it never really bothered you that you have been blind all your life?"



"Meh, I´d rather be blind than black"





Tuff thing is that knowing this board is being dominated by American posters, I actually thought 15 minutes about posting this joke. That is sad really.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day.

Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school.

As he gets outside he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police.

Panicking, the inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself.

Later on in the evening he wakes up in the inflatable hospital and sees the headmaster is in the inflatable bed next to him.

Shaking his deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones:

"You've let me down, you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've let yourself down"

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Ive been trying to get a standup routine written, and I know there is a joke in this somewhere, and that is a stupid one, but I cant figure out how to make it funny.

You just need to establish the opportunity to use the bit. Try this:

"So, open-mic night, you know. Pretty crazy in here. You guys having a good time? Yeah. It's good. Last time I was up here was, uh, 1992, but I think the act is finally coming together.

Let's see. Election coming up, huh? You guys following this whole Gennifer Flowers thing? I think those petals been plucked. Arkansas is "The Natural State", but I doubt her carpets match her drapes.

No, don't get me wrong, I think Bill Clinton's got a real shot. He's looking for a slogan to punch up his campaign, something better than "that guy from Arkansas." So: "No new taxes, and no fat chicks". Hey, you too lady.

Anyhow, you know what makes me go Hmmm? In Mexico, C&amp;C music factor is like yes and yes music factory, cause their word for yes is pretty much our third letter of the alphabet. This is part of what makes bilingual education such an enormous hurdle for today's Hispanic youth."

[/ QUOTE ]

wtf you just wrote that for this post? that was awesome.

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?

People would laugh at this?

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

http://i64.photobucket.com/albums/h1...492/konrad.jpg

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

what do women and KFC have in common?


once you're done with the legs and breast you've got a greasy box to put your bone in.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

A man looking to escape the troubles of modern life decides to join a monastery and live as a monk. To join the Order, the man is required to take a vow of silence. Each year, the man will be brought into the presence of the head of the Order and allowed to speak two words.

The first year goes by with the man trying to adapt to his new life. At the end of the year, the man is brought to see the leader of the Order and the man says to the leader, "Food cold."

So, another year goes by. The man learns to grow his own crops, studies the Order's religious texts and continues to try and fit in with the other Brothers. At the end of the year, when the man is allowed once again to speak to the Order's leader, he says, "Bed hard."

Yet another year goes by with the man becoming increasingly disillusioned with his new lifestyle. The food is bad, the beds are hard, and he isn't getting the great enlightenment he had hoped for. So, at the end of his third year, the man stands before the Order's leader and says, "I quit."

The leader looks down at him and says, "Well, that doesn't surprise me. You haven't stopped bitching since you got here."

SpaceAce

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

A Priest, A Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar, The Bartnerder Says " What is this a Joke?"

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

What did the zero say to the eight?






Nice belt.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

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what did the Spanish guy say to his term paper as it blew out the window?

<font color="white"> where you goin', essay? </font>

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I'm ashamed at how hard I laughed at this one.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

A guy calls the hospital in a panic.

"Hello hello, I need some help. My wife's gone into labor. The contractions are three minutes apart. I don't know what to do!"

"Calm down, sir, everything's going to be fine. Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot, this is her husband!"

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

A piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and says, "hey you, get out - we don't serve rope in here!" So the piece of rope goes back outside, ties himself into a knot, tousles up his hair, and walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "hey aren't you that piece of rope I just kicked out?" to which the rope replies, "nope, I'm a frayed knot..."

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

[ QUOTE ]
A piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and says, "hey you, get ou - we don't serve rope in here!" So the piece of rope goes back outside, ties himself into a knot, tousles up his hair, and walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "hey aren't you that piece of rope I just kicked out?" to which the rope replies, "nope, I'm a frayed knot..."

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So dumb but made me lmao for some reason!

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

People would laugh at this?

If you make it through the first two jokes, this:

"This is part of what makes bilingual education such an enormous hurdle for today's Hispanic youth."

is actually a laugh line.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

A clown is walking with a kid into the middle of a forest at night and the kid starts to cry. The clown looks at the kid and says why are you crying? You're not the one that has to walk out of the woods all by himself.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

Dog walks into a bar and says "How about buying me a drink for my Birthday?"

Bartender says "Sure thing, the toilet's down the hall on the right".

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

[ QUOTE ]
Knock knock

Who's there?

Interupting pirate

Interupting pira-?

ARGGGGH!

[/ QUOTE ]

Interupting completely uncalled for

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

Credit for this one goes to The Sopranos where I heard Ralphie tell it-

Mrs. Custer decides she wants a painting remembering her husband's (General George Custer) last stand. So she goes to an artist and tells him she wants something that displays his final thoughts in the battle during which he was killed.

The artist goes to work and comes back a while later with the painting. Mrs. Custer looks at it and says "What is this? This painting is just a bunch of cows with halos on their heads and several Native Americans fornicating".

The artist responds - "you wanted a painting of your husband's thoughts during that last battle right?"

A confused Mrs. Custer says "yes, I did..."

The artist says "that's what I gave you, your husband's thoughts. 'Holy cow, look at all those fu(king Indians!'"

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

what do you do with an Islamic dog?






muzzle 'im

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

WHAT DO YOU CALL 10000 MASTURBATING COWS?





Beef Strokinoff

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

[ QUOTE ]
what do women and KFC have in common?


once you're done with the legs and breast you've got a greasy box to put your bone in.

[/ QUOTE ]

There's nothing quite as vulgar as not being funny.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

A banana and a vibrator and sitting on a table. The banana turns to the vibrator and says, "What are you shaking for? They're gonna EAT me."

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

what's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?


<font color="white"> </font> not being a retard.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowthrower?









Buy her a shovel.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

A pedophile pulls his car up next to an eight year old boy and says "hey kid, if you come in my car I'll give you a piece of candy"

The kid looks at him and says "gimme the whole bag, I'll come on your face."

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

Why is 7 the most feared number?

Well, because seven eight nine.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

City slicker visits his cousin in the country, says "what do you do for fun here"? Farmer says, "We usually go down to the pen and have sex with a pig".

City slicker thinks it over, says "why not". Afterwards he says to the farmer, "I really didn't like that at all". Farmer says, "no wonder, you picked the ugliest one".

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and his drinking is tearing his family apart. HA!

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

What can you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she obv doesn't listen.

or (to stay on theme)

Did you know (insert your states name here) has 200,000 battered women in it?

And all this time I have been eating mine raw...

after telling both get punched by closest woman.

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

<font color="white"> It depends how hard you throw 'em. </font>

What's the best way to get a baby out of a blender?

<font color="white">Tortilla chips. </font>

Why can't Helen Keller drive?


<font color="white"> Cause she's a woman. </font>

Re: Post a stupid, yet funny, joke
 

A priest, a rabbi, and a doctor all walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and groans "Oh geez, not you guys again."