Two Plus Two Newer Archives - Never Trust Anyone

Who needs a crazy fix?
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Back in Action and Loving Life!!!
I finally have enough money to start playing!!! I had taken a promotional modeling job for the Consumers Electronic Show which paid $700 for three days. It ended yesterday. So I took the money and got back on the tables.
Because I'm not drinking this year, my head feels clear and I feel great. I jumped in a hot game last night (after I got my money from the job). It was a 2-4 game and I bought in short stacked for $200. The action was sick! I ended up cashing out for over 1200. Then got a few hours of sleep ~ Went shopping for the first time in MONTHS! ~ and played at the Venitian. Such an easy game and so many bad players!! Cashed in for $200, cashed out for $800... only played a couple hours.
My goal for the end of this month is to have 10k and I'm already ~ in only 1 days time ~ one fifth the way there!!!!

It feels so good to be back!!! I feel alive for the first time in months. Only now, I'm wiser. The good news about being so broke, is that you really learn how to manage your money. I finally am over the bitterness aspect of what happened. I've learned a lot these past three months and feel confident that I'm going to kick ass this year. (I [censored] creamed them last night and today!!!)

I'm also excited about another thing... Since I have some money now, I can come back to LA for a few days. I'm catching a ride back with Nancy on Saturday!!! I really miss you all and hope we can get together. You're my heart.
In fact, that's the only downside to my life... I don't care as much anymore. I look at some of the other women playing poker and some of them are bitches, the others are just tough. That is what has happened to me. I'm not the sweet innocent girl I was in my initial interviews. I'm hardened. There are so many scumbags in poker... there are so many bad and evil people... or dirty men... I have to be tough. I throw the attitude right back at them nowadays. A "take no [censored]" kind of a demeanor.
You guys are the only ones that get to the heart of me... that softer side. I love you all.

But ~ it's not all play and no work this trip.... On Monday, I've got a meeting with some writers that want to do some kind of show around me? I put a question mark there because I don't really know the details. Only that my agent set it up and they are very interested in meeting me.
And I'm also planning to work while I'm there. I may go to either Commerce or the Bike. I've got that 10k goal for the end of the month. (Next month it's 30k and the month after that, it's 100k ~ then I'll have more than enough to get back on the tournament circuit.)

Anyway, there will still be plenty of time for fun and Pink Berry. Call me if you want to go. It's a daily LA ritual.

I'm also getting a tattoo done! It's going to be on my back. Art is designing it for me. I'm so excited... what's better than having your best friend create something that you will have for life! It's like I get a piece of that love with me, always.

On another note... I may also have dinner with someone while I'm there. I was worried that my dinner invite would be declined ~ there's a lot of water under the bridge ~ but I think it has been accepted. I'm really looking forward to that. This past year, I've gone through so many changes, in many ways... I'm not the same girl I was a year ago. I made a lot of mistakes and hopefully that part of my life is coming to an end and I can start doing things right.

The biggest mistake I made was not believing or caring about myself. That didn't change with success or anything that's happened in the past few months... but it did happen a few months ago... It all stems back to when I had my heart crushed out of me. It's a long and personal story, but to say the least... I believed something so much that that is what I became. And what I believed was that I was worthless. It wasn't until this past summer that I saw the truth and realized that was a lie.
Because I felt like I was worthless and defective, I sabotaged relationships and pushed people away. Now that I've seen the truth and looked at my actions, I would like to apologize to those I hurt during that time... as I've already apologized for hurting myself.

Everyone needs a clean slate... Even though these past few months have been very difficult, it gave me a lot of time to think ~ which I would not have had otherwise. I've thought about my life and what I want. I've thought about the past and the things I've regretted. I've thought about the people who are important to me and the type of person I would like as a friend or have a relationship with. Right now, I've created my own clean slate... despite the slew of internet crap, I really do feel like I am starting over from the beginning again. Perhaps it's my bankroll and watching it grow. Or perhaps it's healing and re-establishing relationships with those I've hurt (especially myself) or perhaps spending the past few months away from my friends and those I love, I realized how important they are and how excited I am to now be able to be a better friend. Either way, I'm loving life and happy. A true inner happiness.

Sat, January 13, 2007 - 1:47 AM permalink - 1 comment

Okay [censored] It!

Yeah, it's weird and creepy. And sometimes annoying. Not to mention a complete invasion of my privacy....
If it keeps up ~ I'm just going to have to start a new tribe account. No biggie.

Perhaps it's just exhaustion speaking today (I started and worked yet another job today ~ that makes 3!) or perhaps I just had a much needed reality check. Honestly, I can't get upset over something like this: SOOOO MANY PEOPLE give such a whopping [censored] about me.
I get much more fan mail than I do hate mail and some people get no mail at all. What gives me the right to be bitchy or sulky?

I've just got to deal with it. Thanks though for those who responded to my listing. There's not much else I can do though... And I'm starting to reallize that it's not that serious of a thing. At least most of my stalkers hide behind computer screens. I can be thankful for that. And this year is all about being thankful and not being dramatic. I've just got to change my mind set. Be thankful I have a slew of random internet stalkers and hundreds of people who are so interested in my life...

Besides ~ isn't imitation the highest form of flattery? Shouldn't I be flattered that someone has put up a my space account in my name and is legitimately pretending to be me??? Once again... I reallize that I need to change my attitude.

Because of all the attention, I'm in negotiations right now to help launch an new online magazine ~ which will be a mix between Card Player and Maxim. I'll be writing a column. Not to mention, working with an LA based company who is very interested in the start up of my own site. Which will include video blogs and pictures. So maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I can deal with this. And maybe I shouldn't refer to my fans as "weirdos"....

I love capitalism. These very people who have creeped me out, are soon to become my bread and butter. That means I gotta be nice. Not snarky. With over 13,000 initial views for every new photo of me that is released online... and with as many views and responses (and topics dedicated to my nipples) I've garnered on the poker sites, well... that means lots of money that I can make every month without really having to work. It's all in the advertising revenue, baby.

Right now ~ Despite being a work mule ~ My mind is a million miles away... Or maybe that's BECAUSE I am a work mule... Thinking about a yacht and the sun in my face. Sometimes a boy I once knew... The World Series of Poker in the summer... Or the LA Classic which I may be able to play next month... In fact it is these things that keep me up at night. The things I'm working for.

Thank God I've got someone to help me with all the rest and good friends to keep me sane.

Tue, January 9, 2007 - 8:02 PM permalink - 2 comments

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