Need your opinion... Does this wife owe him more?

[VoraciousReader]

I missed this thread on the first go-round. Interestingly enough, katy, I've seen a similar problem...the other way around.

Specifically, I went to college with a couple that fell in love freshman year, and after a brief breakup post-graduation, reunited and wed while they were both in graduate school. She stopped at a master's degree and took a private sector job, while he continued and earned his Phd. The PhD ended up taking him 7 years post-college (so long, in fact, that he was in danger of being booted from the program the year he finally finished). He did receive a small stipend from the program he was in during this time. Under the terms of their agreement, that was his discretionary spending income and was not used for joint expenses.

She worked a job that paid extremely well, but didn't particularly like.

Upon receiving his doctorate, he told her didn't want to be a researcher or a professor, but wasn't sure what he did want to do. He told her he was thinking of taking a creative writing internship...unpaid.

The wife was extremely well compensated in her field, and she could easily continue their current standard of living without adding his income to hers.

She didn't take it well, and I didn't blame her.

So, for the "support your partner's happiness" contingent:

1 )Does going from "small income" to "no income" change your opinion?

2) Does the fact that it is the husband, not the wife, make a difference?

[madnak]

My father did a similar thing. He got his JD as my mother supported him, and then decided he didn't want to practice law and went for his PhD. She divorced him over it.

A lot of it depends on shared expectations. Anything more than $30,000 annually isn't really a "small" income. My mother was working many hours (and trying to be a mother simultaneously) to support my father. He got his act together, but not until he was about 35 (years after the divorce).

Is this the same as the situation in the OP? No. In fact, if Dad had gotten a legal clerkship Mom would have been pleased. And they had two kids.

There is a huge difference between one partner living off the other (who has to work very hard for her money) and one partner contributing $40,000 while the other contributes $150,000. In the first case the relationship is very unequal and realistic expectations haven't been met. In the second, there's plenty enough money and the wife is doing her part. The man may have expected to become a millionaire or something, and he might have been frustrated to find out he wouldn't. But I don't think that's valid. I don't think having more expensive dinnerware should ever be worth more than the partner's happiness.

[katyseagull]

Hi V.R.,

It's an interesting topic because it almost seems like whichever partner gets settled first in a stable job ends up sort of supporting the other and having to sacrifice. Meanwhile the other one gets used to being a student (or mother) and having freedoms and possibly milks the situation a little too long.


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He told her he was thinking of taking a creative writing internship...unpaid.


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Oh man I would have killed him. 7 yrs of graduate school and then he says this?!


I find the topic interesting because I bet we underestimate our expectations of other people and probably don't communicate them well to our significant others. And let's face it. Even though some of the people on these forums are mature and supportive, there's a bunch of us who actually have real, monetary expectations of our partners.


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So, for the "support your partner's happiness" contingent:

1 )Does going from "small income" to "no income" change your opinion?

2) Does the fact that it is the husband, not the wife, make a difference?


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1. For me, yes. Anyone who works full time at a job even for a small salary gets my respect. Shows they are making the effort and they are doing the daily grind like everyone else. But "no income"? Wow, I just have a hard time respecting that. I still don't know what to think of one of my friends who doesn't work. But that guy in your story above! Man I would just go crazy if my guy ever pulled that on me. Did he ever get a job, the husband you know?


2. I confess I have more gender bias then I want to admit. I think I'm more understanding of the wife taking a low-paying, easy job, or taking months to even find a job, then I am of a husband doing this. I don't know why I expect so much from you guys!

[Blarg]

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Even though some of the people on these forums are mature and supportive, there's a bunch of us who actually have real, monetary expectations of our partners.


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No contradiction between the two.

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2. I confess I have more gender bias then I want to admit. I think I'm more understanding of the wife taking a low-paying, easy job, or taking months to even find a job, then I am of a husband doing this. I don't know why I expect so much from you guys!

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Because it's the cultural norm both to do so and to think absolutely nothing of it. It's even politically and culturally incorrect to admit alternatives, much less seriously examine them.

In a lot of ways, we're still really in the dark ages culturally.

[Neil S]

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I think it’s her life

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If she wants to live her life just for herself, why did she marry him?

[katyseagull]

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If she wants to live her life just for herself, why did she marry him?

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oh no, she doesn't want to live her life for herself, she just wants to be in charge of her own career. Would a man like it if his woman tried to tell him what kind of job to take? That seems like kind of a personal thing to me. Maybe I'm completely off on this. Hell I don't know.