Infidelity

[slim]

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Doesn't all of this just have to do with a lack of communication?

You mentioned that you tried to get her to read a book on relationships and attempt to patch up your marriage. I sympathize with you if your wife had communication problems.

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Definitely communcication was a problem. It is in many marriages and so is the blame game.

[slim]

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Are you taking any accountability for this? Surely you can't think that you are not at fault in some way here. I'm not condoning your wife's actions but what about the things you could have done differently?



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What? How is this his fault? His wife's carrying on a 2 yr affair with her boss while he's probably home watching the 3 yr olds and making dinner. I don't see how this is his fault in any way.

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It's not about fault but unless his wife is somehow damaged then it's probable that the relationship developed problems which led to her unfaithfulness and these problems are a result of both people not tending the relationship. Assuming he wants to have healthy and happy relationships in the future he should at some point (it's probably too soon now) examine things and learn what he can.

And no this doesn't excuse her poor and hurtful decisions but like other's pointed out, it doesn't mean his decisions were perfect either.

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Remember, I was in the same marriage as my wife. So whatever problems we had in our marriage goes both ways. I didn't go out and have an affair when I saw our marriage crumbling......I took the initiative to read up on relationships and tried to talk to her. Some people like to take the easy way out I guess.

[Full-Metall]

Basically anything enjoyable can be called an addiction.

[Tweety]

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Are you taking any accountability for this? Surely you can't think that you are not at fault in some way here. I'm not condoning your wife's actions but what about the things you could have done differently?



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What? How is this his fault? His wife's carrying on a 2 yr affair with her boss while he's probably home watching the 3 yr olds and making dinner. I don't see how this is his fault in any way.

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It's not about fault but unless his wife is somehow damaged then it's probable that the relationship developed problems which led to her unfaithfulness and these problems are a result of both people not tending the relationship. Assuming he wants to have healthy and happy relationships in the future he should at some point (it's probably too soon now) examine things and learn what he can.

And no this doesn't excuse her poor and hurtful decisions but like other's pointed out, it doesn't mean his decisions were perfect either.

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Blaming oneself in any way for a spouse cheating is weak and wrong. She broke wedding vows and went behind his back for two years. That is a disgrace, and she is to blame. End of story.

All the posts calling for OP to be accountable and somehow take responsibility for his wife's philandering are ridiculous.

He married a bad apple. That's it. Divorce her and move on. Tough beat, but don't blame yourself and don't listen to the jokers who are trying to say you should.

[Tweety]

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Are you taking any accountability for this? Surely you can't think that you are not at fault in some way here. I'm not condoning your wife's actions but what about the things you could have done differently?

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QFT.

No one is excusing her behavior, but if that is all that you focus on you are going to get nowhere.

Too many people focus on the infidelity part and don't look beyond that to see what the root issues are that caused it to happen. There is a lot more beneath the surface going on than just her going off trying to get some strange dick.

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Maybe, but that's her problem, not his. Nailing your boss for 2 years is kind of suspect to begin with. Doing it as a married person is 100 times worse obviously.

Brooding over why this happened is a waste of time. Life is too short for that crap. Cut your losses and move on.

Go out and get laid. Don't sit at home, sulk, and try to figure out what you did wrong.

[slim]

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Im honestly surprised you are not very pissed off at the notion that it is.

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Agreed- sounds like an excuse, not a medicial condition

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Letr's look at the typical pattern of addiction. There is a void or some kind of pain the the person's life, they seek comfort in a chemical or activity, they lie and live double lives to cover up their shameful actions,when confronted they lay blame on others,when the source of addiction is removed they go through withdrawal and depression. Tell me how affairs do not fit this pattern

I think the problem is that when people who have no knowledge about infidelity think of affairs, they think of sex and one night stands. They think that people who carry on affairs just go meet somewhere and have sex. The type of affair I am referring to is the most common type....the ones that grow out of friendship. They are called emotional affairs. They are becoming more and more prevalent with men and women working for long hours together. They have very little to do with the sex, although the secret,illicit sex makes the sensations heightened which causes the participants to believe that they must have found their "soul mate". Perhaps the article below explains it best.

Emotional Infidelity

When flirting turns into risky business


By JOANNE RICHARD, Special to the Sun




CASUAL FLIRTING can lead to much more if strong emotions come into play. -- Silvia Pecota, SUN files
You don't have to take your clothes off to commit adultery.

So says leading adultery expert Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil. "The greatest betrayals to a relationship can happen without any touching. Most people mistakenly believe infidelity isn't infidelity unless there's sex involved."

Eaker Weil, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, calls it an "affair of the heart," when the heart and mind are involved, and everything is shared but sex. Eaker Weil sees it as "emotional infidelity" and it can actually be more dangerous and destructive to a marriage than a strictly sexual affair.

"Most married people do not leave their partner for someone they're just having good sex with, but affairs of the heart will drive them to leave," says Eaker Weil. "The emotional entanglement is much more powerful than the physical one. You can always stop the sex, but you can't stop the emotions."

Experts agree it can start innocently enough: Daily flirt fests at the water cooler, lunch at the local diner, drinks with a group of colleagues after work -- but soon platonic friendships turn into risky business as intimate information, once the exclusive territory of the spouse, gets shared with that cute colleague.

'Intense camaraderie'

"There's intense camaraderie, a connection. You spend at least eight hours a day together, share similar goals, pressures and deadlines, and feel this person understands you," she says. "Emotional lovers see one another only at their best. How can a spouse compete with that?"

According to Eaker Weil, involved participants rationalize that it's a platonic bond because they're not having sex, but by withholding intimacy from the spouse and sharing it with another, the emotionally-attached duo form an intense connection that drives a wedge between spouses, adds Eaker Weil, also author of Makeup, Don't Breakup.

"It's never innocent when you give more time, energy and attention to someone other than your spouse," she says.



Peer relationships = sexual liaisons

Therapist Heather McKechnie agrees. "They become dangerous because people start to depend on the emotional support from someone other than their partner, which can erode the marital relationship," says the registered marriage and family therapist.

'A listening ear'

"They can fool themselves all they want but friends don't have deep conversations about not making love," adds Eaker Weil.

Experts agree this type of infidelity is becoming more and more common. Troublesome triangles that develop first as a friendship flourish in the workplace today as increased opportunities for wandering eyes lead to wandering hands.

Dr. Eileen Alexander says, "Colleagues are appealing or we feel more connected for a variety of reasons, but usually because of similarities -- in tasks, location, job interests -- or even because both persons have the same complaints/gripes about the boss, job, co-workers, spouses, in-laws, financial problems etc.

"Having a listening ear, in a colleague with whom we are spending six, eight or more hours a day, sometimes in very close quarters seems so natural. In many instances, we are spending more time with others than with our loved ones," adds Alexander.

Most sexual liaisons originate as peer relationships: "People ... unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Eighty-two percent of the unfaithful partners I've treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, 'just a friend,' " says Dr. Shirley Glass, in her book, Not Just Friends, Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity and Heal The Trauma Of Betrayal.

According to Glass, in a love affair, the unfaithful partner has built a wall to shut out the marriage partner and has opened a window to let in the affair partner. "Well-intentioned people who had not planned to stray are not only betraying their partners but also their own beliefs and moral values, provoking inner crises as well as marital ones," writes Glass.

Safeguard your special relationship with your primary partner by dating regularly, advises Dr. Eileen Alexander, in order "to have some time to feel special to and for one another, to talk, re-acquaint yourselves with one another, get away from the house, kids -- even for a bit -- and look for what is similar and pleasant."

Something's brewing

If you find yourself saying... "but we're just friends," then beware. There could be a lot more brewing than the coffee you're sharing at lunch. Experts agree we're all susceptible to emotional infidelity.

"All relationships have highs and lows and it is often when a person feels that they are in a low period that they begin to seek support outside of the relationship,' says McKechnie.

"If someone feels drawn to a colleague, then they should take a moment to ask themselves, why? What is it about this person that attracts their attention and what is it that is missing in their marriage?" she says, adding that it is natural to be drawn to someone other than your partner at different times in your life but acting out that attraction can lead to murky waters.

"Sex is not the primary factor for most affairs ... Most people get involved with emotional affairs because they feel something is lacking in their current relationship that they need. It could be respect, recognition, being listened to, love, attention," she says. "More often, it is being made to feel special."

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil states, "women want attention and admiration; men want someone who listens to them, doesn't criticize them and makes them feel 10 feet tall," and affairs provide all of that and more.

Eaker Weil says despite the heartbreak that comes with infidelity, couples can rebuild shattered marital bonds. "Recovery from adultery is possible," she says. By confronting issues that led to the affair, couples can "learn valuable lessons and build a healthier, more intimate relationship than before. Remember that by getting rid of the person, you don't get rid of the problem."

[membersclub]

I'm not married, but I think it's safe to assume that in the majority of marriages, arising problems are inevitable. So when they do occur, it's the responsibility of each party to explore and solve these problems together in a healthy and constructive manner. This is the responsible, mature thing to do.

Having said this, I can't believe some of the advice I'm reading. I'm sure the OP could have done things differently in the marriage (nobody is perfect), but it is totally unfair to suggest that the OP somehow drove his wife to the arms of another man and is to blame for her adulteration. Ya, like someone held a gun to her head and said, "Screw your boss' brains out for 2 years." I don't care who you are, there is no justification for an adulterous affair. If she was that intent on saving her unhappy marriage, she should have done the right thing and openly and honestly communicated her thoughts with her husband, giving them both a chance to talk about ways they can rebuild their marriage together as a couple in a positive and beneficial way.

Just my 2 cents worth.

[Tweety]

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Jesus, some of the posters in this thread should be banned for being such complete jackasses.

The OP is pouring his heart out on these boards, and we're getting [censored] like, 'cliff notes, op can't lay the pipe.'

Give the dude a break. Try to help a fellow 2+2er a lift up in a down time in his life.

You could be in his shoes someday.

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[slim]

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Are you taking any accountability for this? Surely you can't think that you are not at fault in some way here. I'm not condoning your wife's actions but what about the things you could have done differently?

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QFT.

No one is excusing her behavior, but if that is all that you focus on you are going to get nowhere.

Too many people focus on the infidelity part and don't look beyond that to see what the root issues are that caused it to happen. There is a lot more beneath the surface going on than just her going off trying to get some strange dick.

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Maybe, but that's her problem, not his. Nailing your boss for 2 years is kind of suspect to begin with. Doing it as a married person is 100 times worse obviously.

Brooding over why this happened is a waste of time. Life is too short for that crap. Cut your losses and move on.

Go out and get laid. Don't sit at home, sulk, and try to figure out what you did wrong.

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agreed. However, my original intention for starting this thread is to wake people up to the reality that infidelity is a serious problem. It destroys many lives including the children of the involved families. What are my 3 yr olds going to think one day when they come into my wife's bed and there is a new guy with my wife? 10 yrs down the road, when they ask my wife or myself why we split up, what are we going to say? If they find out the truth, when they get into their own marriages, will they be more likely to think affairs are ok? My kids are going to be moving in with 3 other kids who are 10 years older than them....it is a trainwreck waiting to happen.

[Lottery Larry]

Slim, I'm confused- where are you going, with all of this "affairs are an addiction/let's learn about affairs" information?

Are you trying to educate those of us less informed? Are you exploring/agonizing over why it happened? Is this part of a process where you try to fix your relationship for real and save it? Are you grasping at some reason to justify/excuse her behavior?

It seems to me that you're really starting to get lost in all of this. It doesn't seem like a healthy path