Ask My Neighbor about being a Ninja.

[adsman]

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PLZ tell me this ^^^^ is gimmick account, and not part of OP's scheme!

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That is most certainly a gimmick account. Eddie does not have internet access.

[kazana]

Looks like some unfunny person didn't get the memo stating that it takes skill to make a gimmick account entertaining.

[flo]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
PLZ tell me this ^^^^ is gimmick account, and not part of OP's scheme!

[/ QUOTE ]

That is most certainly a gimmick account. Eddie does not have internet access.

[/ QUOTE ]

Most?

[adsman]

So this morning I walked up the mountain through heavy rain and misty fog, until out of the gloom the shape of the ninjas house begna to emerge. Water dripped in small torrents from the low overhanging roof. There was a smell of fried chicken in the air. It was just after 9 in the morning. I had expected him to be doing handstands or something under the rain, but this was not the case. The door was open and I knocked on it hesitantly. I was told to come in after removing my shoes. This pissed me off a bit, I hit taking off my shoes to go into somebodies home. I made a mental note that if he came down to my house I was going to tell him to take of his shoes.

It was warm inside, even with the open door. The kitchen had one of those wood-burning stoves, and Eddie was indeed cooking some chicken. I asked him if he had caught and butchered it this morning. He looked at me in a strange way and replied that he had got it from the supermarket.

It was then that I realised that he was not wearing his mask. It was also clear that he was not Italian. He bade me to sit down and offered me some tea. Since I hadn't died a horrible death after yesterdays tea I accepted, even though it did taste like crap.

I put my little voice recorder on the table. He asked me why I had brought it. I explained that I wanted to make sure that I got everything down correctly.

"OOT can be very tricky," I said. "You say one thing that is just slightly inaccurate and they'll jump all over you."

"OOT? What the feck is OOT?"

I began to explain about internet chatrooms but he just waved me away. "All right, whatever you want. Just delete it afterwards. And what the hell is that?"

"My camera," I said sheepishly. "They asked me to take some photos." He gave me a look. A look of pure stone. It was if a curtain had dropped over his face. Before there had been this nice middle aged ninja dude, now he was very evil and tough ninja dude. "I suppose I'll just be putting that away," I said. He nodded at my good sense.

What follows is my first conversation with Eddie the ninja based on OOT's questions.

Me: "I think if you could start off with a rundown of your lifestory, that could put things in perspective."

Eddie: "Yeah, OK. Well, my grandfather was a high ranking officer in the White Russian army. He had to get the hell out of Russia after the commies won the civil war, so he headed down to China through Mancuria. He ended up in Nanking where he lived for a while in the foreign district. There he married a German woman and they had a daughter, my mother. The three of them moved to Japan in the early 1930's. My father had assumed some sort of diplomatic position there, but I can't tell you any more than that. Both of my mothers parents were killed in the war by the firebombing of Tokyo.
After the war my mother had to survive. She become the mistress of an English officer who was there during the occupation. They had twins, my sister and I."

Me: "So how did you get into being a ninja?"

Eddie: "I joined a dojo. My mother made me do it when I was very young. I was picked on by the other children for being a half caste. I had to learn to look after myself."

Me: "So what are you doing in Italy?"

Eddie: "My sister married an Italian. We were twins, we were very close. I moved here to be near her. She died of cancer some years ago. I cannot leave this place now. I am retired anyway."

Me: "So there is no point in avenging your sisters death?"

Eddie: "That would be fairly pointless, yes."

Me: "Is it true that you can remove your shadow if need be?"

Eddie: "A ninja who has to remove his shadow has already made a grave error. We move so that our shadow is a disguise - it is always part of something else."

Me: "Do you actually use shuriken, or do you just keep 'em around the house to look cool?"

Eddie: "How old are these people in OOT?"

Me: "I think some of them will be reaching puburty fairly shortly."

Eddie: "OK, I suppose they want to know about hira shuriken. I don't use those. I use Bo shuriken. Right now they're holding up my tomato poles."

Me: "Yeah, you've got nice tomatoes."

Eddie: "Thank you."

Me: "So this was your career?" (Eddie nods here, he doesn't reply.) "How many people have you killed?"

Eddie: "You're a rafting guide, right? How many people have you taken rafting?"

Me: "A lot."

Eddie: "There you go."

Me: "What weapons are you proficient in?"

Eddie: "All of them. I particularly like using a rolled up magazine. Vanity Fair is very effective. Just jab it quickly into their throat."

Me: "Right. Who would win out of a grizzly or a hippo?"

Eddie: "This is what they want to ask me? Um .... a hippo?"

Me: "How many five year olds could you take out?" (Here I had to spend some time explaining all the rules.)

Eddie: "That is a very interesting philosophical question. Let me get back to you on that one. I'll need to do some calculations."

Me: "Is it easier to run up walls or stand on the edge of a sword?"

Eddie: (Looks at me as if I'm an idiot). "Run up walls, what do you fecking think?"

Me: "Oh, don't shoot the messanger, OK? Is there a special ninja language?"

Eddie: "No. We have a lot of terminology though. And we only speak in Japanese."

Me: "Best ninja movie?"

Eddie: "Enter the Ninja."

Me: "Whatever happened to Sho Kosugi?"

Eddie: "No idea."

Me: "What's the most dangerous situation you've ever been in?"

Eddie: "The fall of the Berlin Wall. Talk about crap timing."

Me: "Is a ninja really all that effective these days given that there are a lot easier and probably more cost efficient ways to kill someone than through ninjutsu?"

Eddie: "People pay us for the terror factor. You know, don't mess with that guy, he knows ninjas."

Me: "How do we not know that you're not just a crazy old man that bought a ninja costume one day and decided he was a ninja?"

Eddie: "You've mistaken me for somebody who gives a feck."

Me: "Was my tea poisoned?"

Eddie: "Today or yesterday?"

Me: "Both."

Eddie: "One or the other."

Me: "um.....yesterday?"

Eddie: "No."

Me: "Mr Eddie, thank you very much. I might have some more questions for you later, would that be cool?"

Eddie: "Fine. Bring me up some beer next time, OK?"

[illeagle]

This is like a [censored] up version of Carlos Castaneda's The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge. If Eddie doesn't take the OP under his wing and teach him ninjutsu I'll feel ripped off.

[GuyOnTilt]

This is pretty awesome if it's real.

Has he ever been part of a sweet ninja clan?

[solids]

Please ask him what is the best ninja weapon: a katana, a bo, numbchucks, or sais?

[imitation]

If not for gimmic account eddie this could be the greatest thread ever.

[hoyasnaxa]

More gimmick account posts please.

[gumpzilla]

[ QUOTE ]

Me: "Do you actually use shuriken, or do you just keep 'em around the house to look cool?"

Eddie: "How old are these people in OOT?"

Me: "I think some of them will be reaching puburty fairly shortly."

[/ QUOTE ]

My testicles have descended, let's just put it that way.