Infidelity

[slim]

[ QUOTE ]
Slim,

First things first. I think you're a genuinely good guy and your heart is in the right place, however I'm not about to coddle you.

Why do you continue to make allowances for your wife? Dude, she has been banging another man for two damn years! What else does this selfish harlot need to do to prove to you that she doesn't love you? It's over. Stop justifying her betrayal and MAN UP. Why are you excusing the fact she is an adulterous two-timer? Where is your dignity and self-worth? And why are you waiting around for her to *hopefully* come back to you? Dude, you should be leaving her!

I get the impression you are an acquiescent person. And for what it's worth, a large majority of women detest passivity in men – it's the antithesis of being a man. Were you ever a challenge in your marriage? Challenge is the most important reason why a woman is attracted to and chooses to stay in a relationship with one man over another. This is probably why she is leaving you. Your accommodating behavior is precisely what is turning her off! Show this woman that you will not tolerate such a lack of respect - not just of you, but of your marriage vows before God. Forgive her, but let her go!

[/ QUOTE ]

Why is everyone saying that I am excusing her behaviour??? Because I am saying it is an addiction? I don't think any of you actually went through all the sources that I referenced. You guys just see me say it's an addiciton and automatically think "he's delusional bc I have never heard of this before". Read my sources and prove to me that these professionals are wrong.Tell me what aspect of affair relationships do not correlate to other forms of addiction.

As for your second paragraph, I have read all about that before, how women want a challenge etc etc. My wife is the most complacent person in the world......she says so herself. She is queen of "sweeping things under the rug" and that is one big reason our marriage failed. She didn't come to me to tell me what was naking her unhappy. She took the easy way out in letting someone else into her life. The funny thing is, she told me her boss is even more complacent than her. She cites that as a big reason why she has a better relationship with him than me. So in my case, a challenge is the last thing my wife was looking for. But you are right about me being a pleaser....I did whatever I thought would make her happy.

And I am not "waiting for her to come back". Just because I am sure that her realtionship will die does not mean that I am hoping it will die. I listed my reasons for believing so in a previous post. When it dies, she will either stay single, find someone else or try to come back. If she chooses the latter, then I will have to decide then whether I believe she understands what she did and whether she is truly remorseful. If she is, I may have to reconcile for the sake of the kids AND for for a potentially stronger relationship than we ever had. I got sources to show that that is defineitly possible as well. But I am sure no one will trust the professionals who have witnessed thousands of reconciled post affair marriages either.

[slim]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
wow you have the reading comprehension of your avatar.

[/ QUOTE ]
OH YAH WHO IS THE RACIST NOW!?!!1

[/ QUOTE ]

YOU bc I was referencing the stoned out guy in the avatar. You assumed that I was referencing his skin color.

[highlife]

slim,

I agree with much of what you say here, accept for when you say that infidelity should be a crime.

I don't get the hate in this thread.

[tuq]

slim,

By implying that stoned people can't read, you just alienated half this board.

[slim]

[ QUOTE ]
slim,

By implying that stoned people can't read, you just alienated half this board.

[/ QUOTE ]

but they can play poker!

[slim]

[ QUOTE ]
slim,

I agree with much of what you say here, accept for when you say that infidelity should be a crime.

I don't get the hate in this thread.

[/ QUOTE ]

If you aren't levelling me, can I ask why you agree? Is it just based on what I wrote and referenced or have you been in the same boat and did your own research.

[leehrat]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
He says it in his post:

[ QUOTE ]
We had the typical marriage....basically on autopilot and taking each other for granted. Not many fights just raising the kids and no romance.

[/ QUOTE ]

While he may think this the "typical" marriage, it's certainly not a healthy one. OP has yet to explain why this is all her fault (which it might be if she's a yambag like my wife).

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes we had a typical marriage which is pretty crappy. In other words, we worked, raised the kids and didn't spend a lot of alone time together. The things we did always included the kids and/or other members of the extended family. We always looked at all the other couples we knew and compared ourselves to them and always thought we had a better marriage than all of them bc we hardly fought and had no money problems. However, I can say we didn't appreciate each other. Sad to say, that to me is a typical marriage at least from what I saw of others we knew. After the honeymoon period is over, it is easy to slip into the autopilot mode.

As for me as a husband, I can say that although I am nowhere near perfect, I am FAR from being a bad husband. I did all of the "manly" house stuff (cutting grass,fixing things etc) as well as many of the "wifely" stuff.....changed diapers, cooked,groceries ,vacuum etc. I have never even come close to physically abusing my wife, don't smoke, drink or ever even tried drugs.


As far as this affair being my fault, there is no way I am taking any blame for this. BEFORE I found out about her affair, I talked to my wife on 4 occasions about how we needed to change our relationship for the better, I bought and read a book about relationships which I also asked her to read (she read 1 chapter and stopped), and I wrote her a letter in which I took responsibility for pain that I had caused her in the past. So although I agree that the root cause of the affair stems from a less than satisfying marriage, that in no way justifies an affair. Everything I have read on affairs says to never blame myself just like an abuse victim should not blame themselves ( but they tend to).

[/ QUOTE ]

hot, freaky, kinky sex. romance. this isn't [censored] you can read in a book and "apply" to "fix" a relationship. i know from my own experience that relationships can get boring-it's up to you to fix it up. alright i'll read the rest now...

[highlife]

[ QUOTE ]

If you aren't levelling me, can I ask why you agree? Is it just based on what I wrote and referenced or have you been in the same boat and did your own research.

[/ QUOTE ]

Because I am the same as you, in that I like to find out why people act the way they do. It definitely helps me get past difficult times in my life, as long as I don't dwell on it for very long.

I've been cheated on by a serious girlfriend before, but certainly that doesn't begin to compare what happened to you.

[leehrat]

also, is your wife white, or asian?

[J.A.K.]

[ QUOTE ]
If she chooses the latter, then I will have to decide then whether I believe she understands what she did and whether she is truly remorseful.

[/ QUOTE ]

So your paralyzed until you see how it plays out?

Her father's disowned her.
She has to look at her children every day and know there will be lifetime consequences.
She knows she devastated your life.
She knows she's partly responsible for a 2nd family's break-up.
In between her ears at the end of the day she knows she is a liar and a cheater.

AND SHE DOES NOT CARE!! SHE IS INCAPABLE OF REMORSE!!

You think she's [censored] up now...wait until that little piece of heaven with Kojak falls apart and she shows up in the back seat of Taxicab Confessions with meth mouth and an eye patch, trying to keep her tube top up over her milk dud t itties, on her way to do some underground porn where they actually try to drive a car through her vagina.

Maybe she'll snap out of it then.