the most inappropriate thing you've ever said/heard

[Low Limit Loser]

1 have 2.

I was a groomsman at a friend wedding. This was his second marriage. I am at the main table and the speeches start. The bestman makes his speech, the maid of honor has a few words, the brides father says something and then the rest of the table asks me to say a few words. I have nothing prepared so i stand up and say something generic about wishing them love, long life and many children. I had forgot that he had a vasectemy during his first marriage. You could tell immediately who knew in the audience.


number 2

I was in first grade and sitting at a table with 3 other kids.

Kid one - girl I had a fierce crush on
Kid two - girlfriend of kid one
Kid three - Freddy A. GOD, I hated this kid. He was vile from an early age. My mother would chaperone on field trips and would get assigned just one kid - Freddy A. - He would say stuff about her that ..... well, I got in fights with him infront of my mother.

anyway, he was reaching across the desk trying to touch girl two's chest (yes, this is 1st grade). Girl one is getting upset. Being a decent gentleman, I told him to stop. He didn't. I took my fat pencil and the next time he reached across the table, i tried to stick his hand to the desk. It went through the fleshy part between his thumb and pointer finger. The tip (of fatty pencil) broke off on the desk. He is jumping around screaming like a Howler Monkey. My teacher freaks out and screams (in front of Freddy A.). "If he dies of lead poisoning, you're going to jail!" Freddy A. now goes ballistic. "I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die!". Good times.

LLL

[hoyasnaxa]

A friend of a friend came into the city where I go to school to go out for Halloween. He was dressed like Adolf Hitler; swastikas, mustache, the whole get up. Everywhere we went, people literally cheered for him, saying things like, "Yea, kill those [censored] jews." It was disturbing, and he eventually got punched in the face a bunch of times by a girl at a bar. The kid was also Jewish which was his reason why he could do it.

[terrapin314]

Years ago, I worked in an ER and was taking this one legged guy back to his bed. The guy was pretty mobile, otherwise, so when we got to his room, I said, "Go ahead and hop up into bed."

He just sorta scowled at me.

[aggie]

We were at Denny's and my obese friend asked for his homefries smothered and covered (covered with country gravy cheese and bacon). We all laughed at him and called him a fatass. The waitress smiled. When she returned with his food she goes "here's you're food fatty." Dead silence. She got an 11 cent tip.

[ChipsAhoya]

[ QUOTE ]
We were at Denny's and my obese friend asked for his homefries smothered and covered (covered with country gravy cheese and bacon). We all laughed at him and called him a fatass. The waitress smiled. When she returned with his food she goes "here's you're food fatty." Dead silence. She got an 11 cent tip.

[/ QUOTE ]

That sounds absolutely disgusting.

-ChipsAhoya

[Uethym]

Mild but funny stories:

1. My gaming group has just finished playing a German board game. We're putting it away, and it has one of those trays where every piece fits precisely into its own slot. We finish, and one girl says, "How wonderful is that. Those Germans. I think they may be the world's most perfect people." Host is Jewish. The girl never quite figures out why everyone else is laughing.

2. My officemate in graduate school was Chinese. There was a speech mannerism that he and the other Chinese graduate students shared. When you were talking to them, they would say "Yes yes yes yes yes...", but that didn't mean "I understand". It meant "I'm listening". They might not understand a word.

So one day (pre-9/11) we both had to fly to the same conference in NY, and he's in front of me in the ticket agent line. The agent asks him, "Are you carrying any kind of explosives onto the plane?" "Yes, yes yes yes," he says. She looks disconcerted, then angry. "Sir, I ask again, are you carrying any kind of explosives onto the plane?" "Yes yes yes", he says. The ticket agent starts looking around frantically for the nearest security guard.

I lean in behind him and whisper very slowly, "She's...asking...if...you...have...a...bomb." "OOHHH, NO no no no no!" he says.

3. Ever play the Penis Game? The goal is to see who has the guts to say "penis" the loudest in a public place. Particularly fun and effective in a restaurant with slow service.

Anyway, a group of us are in Disneyland of all places, and somebody suggests the Penis Game. We're all duly afraid of the Disneyland Secret Police (one of our group used to work there), so nobody will say it above a whisper. "Why don't we switch to a similar-sounding but less offensive word, like, I don't know...'pancreas'?", I say. "Well that's boring", says one guy, who then leans back and yells "PAAAAAAANNNCCCCCRRRREEEEAAAASSSS!!!" at the top of his lungs right in the Space Mountain line. We are given a wide berth for the rest of the wait.

[Uethym]

4. It's the last day to drop classes at Caltech, and Joe can't find his advisor anywhere to sign his drop card. "(@#&$, he should know better! Next time I see him I'm gonna kick his [censored * infinity]!" And on and on, to anyone who would listen.

Later that day we found out that the previous evening, his advisor had attacked his wife and children with an ax, and when they fled the house (they all survived), he burned it down, killing himself inside. True story. Stressful school, that Caltech is.

[mpslg]

I was in college and a bunch of us are drinking in my friends room. He had a microwave and somebody came in wanting to pop some popcorn in it. My friend said he could, but be careful because it's the "Aushwitz" model. My friend forgot about the jewish girl sitting right next to him. There was complete silence until she left the room.

[jstnrgrs]

[ QUOTE ]
Mild but funny stories:

1. My gaming group has just finished playing a German board game. We're putting it away, and it has one of those trays where every piece fits precisely into its own slot. We finish, and one girl says, "How wonderful is that. Those Germans. I think they may be the world's most perfect people." Host is Jewish. The girl never quite figures out why everyone else is laughing.

2. My officemate in graduate school was Chinese. There was a speech mannerism that he and the other Chinese graduate students shared. When you were talking to them, they would say "Yes yes yes yes yes...", but that didn't mean "I understand". It meant "I'm listening". They might not understand a word.

So one day (pre-9/11) we both had to fly to the same conference in NY, and he's in front of me in the ticket agent line. The agent asks him, "Are you carrying any kind of explosives onto the plane?" "Yes, yes yes yes," he says. She looks disconcerted, then angry. "Sir, I ask again, are you carrying any kind of explosives onto the plane?" "Yes yes yes", he says. The ticket agent starts looking around frantically for the nearest security guard.

I lean in behind him and whisper very slowly, "She's...asking...if...you...have...a...bomb." "OOHHH, NO no no no no!" he says.

3. Ever play the Penis Game? The goal is to see who has the guts to say "penis" the loudest in a public place. Particularly fun and effective in a restaurant with slow service.

Anyway, a group of us are in Disneyland of all places, and somebody suggests the Penis Game. We're all duly afraid of the Disneyland Secret Police (one of our group used to work there), so nobody will say it above a whisper. "Why don't we switch to a similar-sounding but less offensive word, like, I don't know...'pancreas'?", I say. "Well that's boring", says one guy, who then leans back and yells "PAAAAAAANNNCCCCCRRRREEEEAAAASSSS!!!" at the top of his lungs right in the Space Mountain line. We are given a wide berth for the rest of the wait.

[/ QUOTE ]


I once yelled "Testicle" at the top of my lungs at Disneyland, so apparently, this isn't that uncommon.

[Big Steve]

Standing outside of a Wal-mart while I finished my cigarette an older man with the wrap around glaucoma glasses looks at me and says loudly....

"Didn't your mother ever tell you that smoking will kill you?"

I finished my puff and replied...

"Didn't your mother ever tell you that masterbating would make you go blind?"

Big Steve [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]