When you have a daughter....

[MrMon]

Knowledge is the best defense. So just let them read OOT for a month before dating to let them know what guys are really like. They will learn the following lessons:

1. All teenage and twentysomethings guys are obsessed with sex.

2. Aforementioned guys will lie and/or say/do anything to get sex.

Once girls learn this lesson, they need to apply economics. Since the most valuable thing they have is sex, make it a rare commodity. The rarer it is, the higher a price they can charge. You don't even need to sell it, just the mere temptation will often get them what they want. Anyone not willing to pay the price is not worth it.

Girls just need to realize that if they're confident, smart, and independent, there's no reason to put up with guy behavior they don't find acceptable. Raise a smart, confident, independent girl and you'll have a lot fewer problems. OOTers may call her a few names, but you know it's just because they can't have what she has. She owns you.

[spamuell]

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I want my daughter to learn how to build relationships. This requires more interaction than AIM can give.

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True, but with kids today, IM/SMS is an excellent way to fortify relationships. If you don't have them, you're out of the loop.

[Jay.]

I don't see why you are against it. Totally blocking it will def. be counter to your wish of 'i want her to build relationships'. All her friends will do it this way. So you are blocking that time with her friends, unless you expect her to call her friend so she can ask what's being said in the 5 way AIM chat.

I could see why you are against internet chat rooms leading to AIM etc, so block those and let her only add people to AIM that she knows from school.

Or if you are worried about her going brain dead from sitting there doing nothing all day just set a time limit on it.

[spamuell]

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I think a lot of this my point of view comes from the fact I had huge problems at school, that made my life hell and my parents were totally unaware of what was going on and as such able to give any support or assistance.

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Dave, I can see why you'd be concerned, yeah, and I'm coming at it from a different perspective as I've never really had a problem getting my parents to stay out of my interactions with my peers and to be honest, I've done some things that if they found out about (and they would have found out about them if they'd been keylogging my computer or something) then they'd have been incredibly angry/worried about me.

But I mean, you've gotta let teenagers have privacy and make mistakes. It's too idealistic to say that you should be close enough to them that they're not going to hide stuff from you, I know I love my parents tons and have hidden tons. But can't you trust your son enough to be sure that he's unlikely to do anything absolutely idiotic? So what if he is meeting girls or even drinking, who wasn't? If it gets to the stage where it becomes a serious problem, you won't need to sneak around to know about it.

[4_2_it]

You guys are missing the point. The kids I am talking about are all 13 or so. The boys (for the most part) are not interested in girls yet. She has not asked about AIM and her friends are not using it. I am sure when she brings it up, we will be able to work out something reasonable.

What I am doing is forcing her to justify why she needs it. It's same thing if she wants a new bike or a new pair of jeans. She knows I am very generous by nature and not unreasonable. If she can make a case, then we can usually come to an accommodation.

If she can't justify why she needs something, then why is it necessary?

Just allowing kids to do/have something because everyone else is doing/has it the first step down a very slippery slope.

[spamuell]

So now you're saying you will let her use IM provided she justifies it? OK, will you accept the justification, "I want to chat to several of my friends at once, as well as have the opportunity to converse with some of my more casual friends who I wouldn't call up but still quite enjoy speaking to"?

And for SMS messaging, will you accept, "it's just much more informal than calling people, I want to be able to communicate briefly with people at a fairly relaxed pace who I wouldn't necessarily feel close enough to phone and have a conversation with"?

I suppose that's why im/sms are so popular amongst teens, because they let us chat to more people from our own homes than we would otherwise have an excuse to.

[slickpoppa]

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You guys are missing the point. The kids I am talking about are all 13 or so. The boys (for the most part) are not interested in girls yet. She has not asked about AIM and her friends are not using it. I am sure when she brings it up, we will be able to work out something reasonable.

What I am doing is forcing her to justify why she needs it. It's same thing if she wants a new bike or a new pair of jeans. She knows I am very generous by nature and not unreasonable. If she can make a case, then we can usually come to an accommodation.

If she can't justify why she needs something, then why is it necessary?

Just allowing kids to do/have something because everyone else is doing/has it the first step down a very slippery slope.

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But the argument that she doesn't really NEED text messaging is stupid too. 99% of the technology we use we don't need to survive. It's all merely a convenience.

I think the solution to the problem is moderation, not prohibition. I believe there are some plans that still charge per text message or put a cap on them. Force her to pay for her text messages and she will probably start using them more wisely.

When she was starting to date at 13, I scared the fellow silly. Partly because I was angry with her because she knew my wife and I had said no dating until high school. She mostly towed the line and struck a reasonable deal. No real dates, just group dates at the roller rinks and other very public places.

She's now 15 and has dated for a year or so.

The real solution has been that we gave her a lot of personal freedom to make decisions starting at a young age. We'd guide and suggest, and say no to some things we didn't feel she could decide intelligently, but for the most part we raised a very self-confident girl.

Consequently, at this point, it's her choice to make. I feel confident whatever she chooses to do, it'll be on her terms and that's all I can really feel happy about as a parent. Her mom and I have told her we hope she'll wait a while, but to talk to her Mom if she needs protection and we'll go see the doctor, no questions asked.

If she dated someone I was concerned about, someone with classic manipulation signs she might not see, I'd speak up. But for the most part, she surrounds herself with people that are like her, so we don't have to step in.

[4_2_it]

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I think the solution to the problem is moderation, not prohibition. I believe there are some plans that still charge per text message or put a cap on them. Force her to pay for her text messages and she will probably start using them more wisely.

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That is where I expect we get when the time comes. If it becomes that important to her, I am open to that. The cell phone bill will contain the number of messages so it will be easy to see if she is abusing it.

Do kids really just sit in their rooms all day IMing each other? That seems boring and not very stimulating. I guess I am just getting old [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[esad]

[ QUOTE ]
I think the solution to the problem is moderation, not prohibition. I believe there are some plans that still charge per text message or put a cap on them. Force her to pay for her text messages and she will probably start using them more wisely.

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I know someone that got her 14 year-old neice a cell phone for her birthday. She was going to pay for it. The bill for the first month was over $100 because of all the text messages. Needless to say the 14 year-old didn't have the money to pay for it. My friend then told her she wouldn't pay for the text messages any longer. Next month the bill was even higher and she had to eventually cancel the phone.

Girls (and boys) at that age don't really know where money comes from, so how can you expect them to be responsible for something like that. They know that someone else will eventually pay for it.

And to answer your question about where they use it 4_2. They use it at school...all day long. Their friends are in another class and they spend all their time text messaging each other hoping that the teacher doesn't see them.