When you have a daughter....

[4_2_it]

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Of course, consensual sex is one thing. If anybody physically harms her, they are going to be in a wheelchair for a couple months while their kneecaps heal.

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I would not be able to show that much restraint. Of course, my prison sentence would be much longer than yours.

[Los Feliz Slim]

My daughter just turned one. My first line of attack is to raise her to be a strong-willed, intelligent, independent decision maker. I think most young girls get in trouble because society tells them not to think for themselves and let the boys decide what to do, and we all know what happens then. Second, as others have mentioned, I plan on my wife and I staying as involved as possible in her life so she's not sneaking around (my wife is good cop, I will have to be the disciplinarian so it'll be a little more difficult for me).

I don't expect my daughter to never have any fun, and I'd feel awful if I bullied her into being a doormat or a sneak and a liar (like I was when I was a teenager). I'm sure she'll drink, smoke pot, etc, I just don't want her to be a [censored] idiot about it.

[Mrs. Utah]

I don't expect my daughter to never have any fun, and I'd feel awful if I bullied her into being a doormat or a sneak and a liar (like I was when I was a teenager). I'm sure she'll drink, smoke pot, etc, I just don't want her to be a [censored] idiot about it.

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I agree with this. Utah and I have 2 daughters 7 and 9(our 9 year old has already started puberty and is boy crazy)
Kids are savvy and have access to so much information all the time.
My plan is to teach everything I can-no sugar coating. I am a labor and delivery nurse and have delivered many teenage girls-I also worked as a sexual assault examiner and did way too many forensic rape kits on too many teenage girls that got in over their heads. Alcohol was always a contributing factor.
Dating is one thing...drugs, alcohol and the need to be independent will all be present.
Keep it open, honest, and educate them. Remember girls may not always be comfortable talking to their dads...get moms, aunts, girlfriends involved.

I will leave it to Utah to put the fear of god into the boys, after all he was a teenage boy once too.

[Gunny Highway]

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My daughter just turned one. My first line of attack is to raise her to be a strong-willed, intelligent, independent decision maker.

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I agree. This is absolutely the right way to think about this. Also, be close to her. It has been shown that girls who don't have close relationships with their fathers tend to be more promiscuous, among other things. By the way, mine is two and I'm scared shitless.

[Hopey]

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It has been shown that girls who don't have close relationships with their fathers tend to be more promiscuous, among other things.

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My father is a very cold, authoritarian type of parent. He was too over-protective and restrictive, while not building a relationship with his children so that we would respect his authority. As soon as his children became older, we all rebelled, and his only strategy was to try to come down harder on us. Eventually this stopped working altogether, as we soon discovered that it wasn't worth trying to live up to his high standards in order to retain a few privileges here and there (that could be taken away for the smallest of infractions). He showed no respect for us, so we showed no respect for him.

I have two sisters. One became pregnant at 15 and now has a six year old son. The other became pregnant twice, but lost one of the babies and gave up the other for adoption. They both barely graduated from high school. One now works for minimum wage in a book store, the other finally became a hairdresser after working at McDonalds for years.

I'm convinced that had my father acted more like a parent rather than a drill sergeant, things would have turned out differently for my sisters.

Get to know your kids, and be reasonable in how you deal with them. Give them some credit for being able to make decisions and respect them. Otherwise they'll eventually turn on you and your ability to have a positive impact on their lives will be gone.

[diebitter]

Thanks for sharing that Hopey. I certainly feel I've learned something from it.

[2Fast]

yikes - note to self - don't be obsessive/dictatorial parent....

[Blarg]

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It has been shown that girls who don't have close relationships with their fathers tend to be more promiscuous, among other things.

[/ QUOTE ]

My father is a very cold, authoritarian type of parent. He was too over-protective and restrictive, while not building a relationship with his children so that we would respect his authority. As soon as his children became older, we all rebelled, and his only strategy was to try to come down harder on us. Eventually this stopped working altogether, as we soon discovered that it wasn't worth trying to live up to his high standards in order to retain a few privileges here and there (that could be taken away for the smallest of infractions). He showed no respect for us, so we showed no respect for him.

I have two sisters. One became pregnant at 15 and now has a six year old son. The other became pregnant twice, but lost one of the babies and gave up the other for adoption. They both barely graduated from high school. One now works for minimum wage in a book store, the other finally became a hairdresser after working at McDonalds for years.

I'm convinced that had my father acted more like a parent rather than a drill sergeant, things would have turned out differently for my sisters.

Get to know your kids, and be reasonable in how you deal with them. Give them some credit for being able to make decisions and respect them. Otherwise they'll eventually turn on you and your ability to have a positive impact on their lives will be gone.

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You're talking extremes that you went through, but I don't think your particular situation is as analogous to what the OP is talking about as you seem to think it is.

I had an authoritarian father too, by the way, probably more authoritarian than yours, who built up zero relationship with me, so I know where you're coming from on that. And I've got my own set of very real problems from that. But whereas his mistakes taught me some things to avoid, that doesn't mean I have confused having strong standards or being strict with a lack of respect, or love, for your children, nor do I find giving kids whatever they want, or whatever other kids have, to have the slightest bit to do with how much you love them.

All fanaticism is bad, but reacting to it by pulling too far in the other way isn't the opposite thing, but the SAME thing. How many people hated their fathers or thought their parents were stupid when they were younger, maybe "rebelled" a lot, but then grew up to be them? They may have thought they went far out of the loop, but they never took a single step outside it; even their rebellion was completely of a piece with it.

Balance is nearly always somewhere in the middle. And it's rarely reacting against something or burning it down; nor is it fearfully stepping back from the whole ordeal. It's usually scrapping the easy comforts of fixed, rigid ideas and trading them in for moderate, clear, humane thinking, and actually listening to the world and oneself instead of rejecting both and chosing prejudices and certainties instead.

Neither excessive authoritarianism nor permissiveness are going to result in a happy life or particularly well-adjusted kids. Nor is fear of being either authoritarian or permissive to different degrees at different times a healthy attitude. Life, and parenting problems, won't be solved by dashing fearfully into the rabbithole of either extreme, but comes down to honestly evaluating individual situations day by day. And, unfortunately, not always making the choices most desired by our kids, or anybody else.

Heck, someone's got to be making the decisions in a family. And they should be adult decisions. The family should not be run by the kids, or, god forbid, the knucklehead ideas or enthusiasms of their friends.

[Gunny Highway]

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You're talking extremes that you went through, but I don't think your particular situation is as analogous to what the OP is talking about as you seem to think it is.

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I wasn't talking about the OP's thing at all. The thread had kind of gone off on a parenting tangent so I just further hijacked. I was just curious what people thought.

[Blarg]

I was responding to Hopey's post, not yours.