Why the [censored] are weddings so [censored] expensive?!

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Next time, I'm getting married by Elvis at a drive-thru.

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Every year I try to talk my wife in to renewing our vows with The King officiating. She has yet to acquiesce.

OP, eloping is a solid option. You will come out ahead and most likely her family will want to throw you a welcome back party which will basically be a wedding reception without the wedding and won't cost you a dime.