New to OOT. Have custody of my nephews. LONG

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Wife >>>>> Nephews. Not even close.

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As cold-hearted as it sounds, I agree with this. Don't let these kids destroy your marriage. You have extended yourself overwhelmingly to accommodate them and they have hardly been appreciative. Very tough spot.

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developmentally speaking, these are adolescents dealing with a major trauma. based on what OP has told us so far, they have been a LOT more resilient than a lot of kids in foster care. i am not trying to minimize the difficulties OP and his wife are facing, but, unfortunately, in terms of how they stack up to the system on average, these kids are not doing too bad.